Mair

Ive not been in contact with my xab for over two weeks now, it's been really hard but i feel ive come a long way with all your help here. The story so far is i wrote him a letter it was a nice letter telling him that i loved him but could not be there for him any longer due to his drinking. I found out later that he'd told his family that he suspected me of seeing someone else. now my reaction to this was a mix of being upset and angry and it put me back a few steps.

Its my daughters birthday today and i had the biggest shock when the postman deliverd a card from him, inside the card was another envelope addressed to me. My heart was thumping i read the letter and this is what is says.

"Hope you are doing ok, you are right what you say in your letter!!! although it was horrible to read. And i can understand your choice, it's been a difficult couple of months and i suppose its for the best for you and the children.

We did have a great time and some very very special moments. i cant see myself ever having a serious relationship again. it hurts to much to get involved. but i dont see why we cant still be friends, Thats up to you. Tell the girls im asking for them . All my Love. P

Ouch Ouch my first instinct was to ring him and say i love you so much lets try again. Please help me stop doing this because i know its the wrong thing to do.

what should i do should i respond. You'll notice he hasnt tried to say the "I'll stop drinking bit is that good or bad . why is this hurting so bad. i thought i was getting stronger but im obviously not am i.

M

minnie

Amidst all the BS that is spouted, sometimes a nugget of truth is revealed and it is those times that listening hard can reap massive rewards. He's telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship, with you or anyone. That doesn't mean that he will be alone for ever, of course, but it is clear that he has no intention at this stage to put in the effort required to make a true committment. Unsurprisingly, though, there is a nice hook in there about being friends just to sweeten the pill and keep you dangling.

Hon, he has given you no indication that he is willing to try again. So unless you want to go through the same experience a few months down the line, then keeping on your path is probably the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

What's your definition of a friend? That might be a starting point to see if you are able to make the transition. Personally, it is very hard for me to be friends with an ex until there has been a significant period of time has elapsed, even when the split is amicable.

(((hugs)))

And (((hugs))) to mini-mair on her birthday

dollydo

I wouldn't respond, he is not working a program, if he ever gets sober and can stay sober for a year or more, perhaps you can re-explore this relationship.

There is no hurry to jump back in feet first, what's the rush?

Let him get his marbles all in one bag, if that's what he wants, in the meantime keep working on you

Mair

Hon, he has given you no indication that he is willing to try again. So unless you want to go through the same experience a few months down the line, then keeping on your path is probably the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Thank you minnie, i know you are right and i know which path to take, it just hurts, it seems to me that he's finally given up the fight for me and to continue his affair with larger.

as for being friends i dont think so, being a codie would mean that i would still be active with his habits and that's what i am escaping.

Mini Mair is 8 today and we are going to eat cake!!!!!!

Mr. Christian

Do not respond. He made his choice, he will continue his drinking behavior.


You and your Daughter deserve better.
Move on.

parentrecovers

keep the focus on you and your kids. blessings, k

hbb

Hi Mair, i so agree with Minnie. I think about the months down the road that IF things were to work out for a little while that they would go right back to how they were and it would be that much harder. The other night my dad said to me it's best to try to get better now than when it happens again. My ex said the exact words to me "i hope we can be friends" .... my reaction was like are you nuts, nope, i'm not going to be "friends" with someone who treats other's that bad, i'd rather nothing than "friends" for his own clearing of his conscience. You definately are sounding strong these days. Take care, you are doing the right thing, no contact and happy birthday to Mini Mair !!

denny57

It helped me to accept (not necessarily understand) that the addict in denial doesn't believe there is a choice. The idea of not having the alcohol ever again is terrifying to AH.

Once I quit taking it personally - that I could not "win" over alcohol, I was able to take care of myself.

Hang in there - it does get better. ((()))

ARealLady

Hi Mair...I don't think there is anything you have to respond to in that note your xBF sent to you. Remember....you sent him a letter explaining your feelings and many people here told you to have no expectations about him changing as a result of that letter. Now the ball IS back in your court but you can let it sit there and sit there and sit there....that is probably the best thing for YOU!

Happy birthday to little Princess Mair from way over the oceans!

Take care of YOU.

ARL

lostnfound1961

All I can say is I have gone back again and again and so meny times I think (I could have an entirly differant life by now if I hadn't) Try your best to keep that clean break. No contact is the best, because it gives you time to gain stringth and perspective.
D

Mair

Thank you so much all of you, you are all very special people. There will be no contact from me to my xab. im back on step one on this ladder but definately going up. It scares me the reaction i had from a letter, thank god i dont have to see him face to face and I think of all of you people here who are not so lucky as me I applaude you for your strength.

Thank you again


M