Caught Off Guard........again.....
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
Caught Off Guard........again.....
So tonight the cable guy is here...(yes, really..) and the phone starts ringing...it is about 7 pm. My 7 y/o son answers the phone...he comes into the living room and hands it to me and says I think it is someone from your work...well, it wasn't....it was XAF!!!! GRRR!!! Now I am hearing his voice on the phone - we chatted for just a minute or two and he said we have never really had any closure and it has been bothering him and he wants to maintain "the connection". I explained that right now, I can't be his friend...I just can't...
So now that he is not getting what he wanted, guess what happens next?? I am sure you all can....
He tells me how immature it is that I can't be friends, etc etc and goes through his whole mental rolodex of buttons to push - unfortunatley he did push a couple (grr! stupid me for reacting!!!). Needless to say, the call did not end well.
Even though I reacted, there is some good news...I am OK right now. Just got confirmation that nothing has changed...music playing, he was not drunk but was obviously not sober...trying to blame and project everything onto me...still not accepting responsibility for his part in the demise of our relationship. Yes, I did contribute by continuing the dance, however, nothing I did was intentionally hurtful....
Anyway, after taking a seat on the emotional rollercoaster, I was smart enough to jump off this time before it started going up. Thank God. I am going to go to bed, read something that is good for ME to read right now, and go to sleep.
Unfortunately, I suspect he will continue to call for a while again now that he got a "reaction" from me. I have asked my son to please not answer the phone for a while unless I say it is OK. I made sure to also tell my son he did not do anything wrong by answering the phone.
Hope I can stay strong - thanks for listening to the latest installment....
So now that he is not getting what he wanted, guess what happens next?? I am sure you all can....
He tells me how immature it is that I can't be friends, etc etc and goes through his whole mental rolodex of buttons to push - unfortunatley he did push a couple (grr! stupid me for reacting!!!). Needless to say, the call did not end well.
Even though I reacted, there is some good news...I am OK right now. Just got confirmation that nothing has changed...music playing, he was not drunk but was obviously not sober...trying to blame and project everything onto me...still not accepting responsibility for his part in the demise of our relationship. Yes, I did contribute by continuing the dance, however, nothing I did was intentionally hurtful....
Anyway, after taking a seat on the emotional rollercoaster, I was smart enough to jump off this time before it started going up. Thank God. I am going to go to bed, read something that is good for ME to read right now, and go to sleep.
Unfortunately, I suspect he will continue to call for a while again now that he got a "reaction" from me. I have asked my son to please not answer the phone for a while unless I say it is OK. I made sure to also tell my son he did not do anything wrong by answering the phone.
Hope I can stay strong - thanks for listening to the latest installment....
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Nicely done!
It's amazing, the things he must be saying to himself to make it okay to pull this stuff...
I wonder...
If WonderWoman used her magic lasso to make him tell the truth what he would have said his reason for calling was?
It's amazing, the things he must be saying to himself to make it okay to pull this stuff...
I wonder...
If WonderWoman used her magic lasso to make him tell the truth what he would have said his reason for calling was?
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
Cage - I wondered the same thing...of course, when I asked him directly why he called he said now that I had been "snippy", etc, he didn't feel like talking to me anymore...hmmm....who exactly is being immature??
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
oh Kg, sounds like you were really strong 
good for you! My Xrabf said the same thing to me when we talked last, "i was hoping to be friends" YA RIGHT...i have enought "friends" thanks!!! Obviously it's for their own conscience and nothing more and i wasn't about to give into that crap, neither were you! Sometimes i wish he would call and show that he misses me but i guess in the long run it can bring you back instead of going forward. Sounds like you were ready for the call....stay strong kg
heather
p.s. GOO GOO DOLLS ROCKED AT THE TWEETER
good for you! My Xrabf said the same thing to me when we talked last, "i was hoping to be friends" YA RIGHT...i have enought "friends" thanks!!! Obviously it's for their own conscience and nothing more and i wasn't about to give into that crap, neither were you! Sometimes i wish he would call and show that he misses me but i guess in the long run it can bring you back instead of going forward. Sounds like you were ready for the call....stay strong kg heather
p.s. GOO GOO DOLLS ROCKED AT THE TWEETER
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I call it "alkie insanity",,,
I'm not gona talk about WHY he does what he does. Who freakin KNOWS!!!!
What I think needs to be focused on here, is the "break" in the cycle. KG, think about it? Had it been earlier in your recovery, how would you have reacted? I think there is a "balance" between normal reaction and being addicted to it. I would say, you had a normal reaction. The guys a DOPE!!!!
I can so relate to where your at. It's getting easier every day to "refocus" my attention and not obsess about why he does what he does, whats he doing, or who he's with. As time passes, I even have moments I don't think of him. GOD FORBIDE?!?!?!?lol.
Stay strong girl, play the tape through, and "refocus". He doesn't deserve any more space in that pretty head of yours,,,,
Peace
I'm not gona talk about WHY he does what he does. Who freakin KNOWS!!!!
What I think needs to be focused on here, is the "break" in the cycle. KG, think about it? Had it been earlier in your recovery, how would you have reacted? I think there is a "balance" between normal reaction and being addicted to it. I would say, you had a normal reaction. The guys a DOPE!!!!
I can so relate to where your at. It's getting easier every day to "refocus" my attention and not obsess about why he does what he does, whats he doing, or who he's with. As time passes, I even have moments I don't think of him. GOD FORBIDE?!?!?!?lol.
Stay strong girl, play the tape through, and "refocus". He doesn't deserve any more space in that pretty head of yours,,,,
Peace
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Kglast good going for you! Being "OK" is a great start! I have learned by actually engaging in a conversation with my XAB will get me no where. If I happen to answer the phone and it is him in the PAST which sometimes I would not know as he called restricted-I politely say I'm sorry but I cannot talk with you right now goodbye! Or my other approach just hang up the phone! This came in time! I use to do the same thing and speak to him-get sucked back into the dance ….quack quack!
I believe that just saying “hello” to them is reaction enough for them to start searching in the “rolodex of buttons to push” (Love this by the way Kglast) and then will continue to do so until we stop reacting or change our number whatever may have you. I feel in your case that your son answered the phone so you were getting those buttons push no matter what!
Your son answered the phone-so you had no idea who it was-when you did sometimes we fall back a few steps and it happens we TALK stupidly! It is great that you are at a point in recovery that you can recognize it! KUDOS!
As for "not hanging up the phone" well I must say this about that question Mr. C, when the phone is hung up-after they hear our voice-(remember she did not know who it was) if anything in most cases I have learned IMHO and experience that they will still continue to call! So I believe that we do what is right at the time-for ourselves-
If it is opening the mouth and speaking then that is what it is!
If it is hanging the phone up then that is the choice we make at the time.
I feel we all learn while in recovery in stages-it is a process! Some us are further along than others and some are still in the beginning and some in the middle. I can tell someone to hang up the phone-they can take my advice or leave it-until they can realize that they are just creating the same pattern over and over by having contact-and what the consequences are-until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired and learn the lesson that is right in front of us-we will not stop!
We stop just like A’s when we hit our bottom! And in this case I believe it is about taking a few tiny steps backwards which is ok it is part of recovery! Kglast you are aware of what happen and that is a GREAT STEP!
Baby steps one day at a time......
Women who love to much is a good book-Kglast
(((hugs)))
I believe that just saying “hello” to them is reaction enough for them to start searching in the “rolodex of buttons to push” (Love this by the way Kglast) and then will continue to do so until we stop reacting or change our number whatever may have you. I feel in your case that your son answered the phone so you were getting those buttons push no matter what!
Your son answered the phone-so you had no idea who it was-when you did sometimes we fall back a few steps and it happens we TALK stupidly! It is great that you are at a point in recovery that you can recognize it! KUDOS!
As for "not hanging up the phone" well I must say this about that question Mr. C, when the phone is hung up-after they hear our voice-(remember she did not know who it was) if anything in most cases I have learned IMHO and experience that they will still continue to call! So I believe that we do what is right at the time-for ourselves-
If it is opening the mouth and speaking then that is what it is!
If it is hanging the phone up then that is the choice we make at the time.
I feel we all learn while in recovery in stages-it is a process! Some us are further along than others and some are still in the beginning and some in the middle. I can tell someone to hang up the phone-they can take my advice or leave it-until they can realize that they are just creating the same pattern over and over by having contact-and what the consequences are-until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired and learn the lesson that is right in front of us-we will not stop!
We stop just like A’s when we hit our bottom! And in this case I believe it is about taking a few tiny steps backwards which is ok it is part of recovery! Kglast you are aware of what happen and that is a GREAT STEP!
Baby steps one day at a time......
Women who love to much is a good book-Kglast
(((hugs)))
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