respektingme

Tonight is my Al-Anon night. I knew AH was invited to play golf with his boss today. He knew I had Al-Anon at 8pm. He never said he'd be playing into the evening. I assumed he'd be home in time for me to go to my meeting. He never called and apparently left his phone in his car. So he never let me know he wasn't going to be home. There is no childcare at the meeting, so guess I'm just out of luck.

Shouldn't he have called? I think it's terribly inconsiderate. I'm still new to this Al-Anon thing. So, if I say something, he may sulk and who in the hell knows where that will end up. The damage is done. Soooo, I'm guessing I muster up a smile and say sweetly, "Honey, do you think you could call me next time you're going to be late, so I have a chance to find childcare for the kids? I'd really like to be able to make my meetings."

laurie6781

Yep but in my mind it is also SABOTAGE. Saying something won't change a thing. By now you should have it figured out that you cannot rely on him.

For your meeting nights, just go ahead and make arrangements for a 'sitter' for several hours and go to your meeting.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

dollydo

To be honest, he really doesn't want you to get healthy, that is a threat to a person with an addiction.

Laurie said it best, line up a sitter and go to your meetings. Do this for you.

respektingme

Last night he said some guy in his AA meeting said he hates Al-Anon. AH said to me, "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you are going, but I can see his point." I asked him why his friend believes Al-Anon is bad. He said it's because Al-Anon just tells the wives that they "don't have to put up with that crap" and they start acting up. Consequently, his wife is now calling him a "f*cking *sshole".

I told him that is not what Al-Anon is.

I just spoke with him. He said he completely forgot about my meeting and it won't happen again. We'll see.

best

Still have a babysitter on speed dial all the same.
Won't happen again was one of my famous most repeated saying as I remember.

best

No it isn't but it is a sign of her finding courage to speak up and for many a right of passage before they start on a journey called working on our own recovery.
That journey would be what Al Anon is about.

cagefree

My XABF said everyone in AA calls Al-anon the dark side.

Um...so if it's so dark, how come some of his AA buddies go to Al-anon meetings as well?

Respektingme - you asked a question..."is this rude?"

I was so spinning by my X and his actions and drama that I questioned every thought I had - every bit of informaiton that came at me had to be processed through others, cuz I thought I was going crazy. Go with your gut, girl.

Of course it's rude...you already knew that

(((respektingme)))

dollydo

My ex said it was a cult, and that "we" who attended the meetings were trying to sabatoge the alcoholics recovery....what?

denny57

When I hear these stories it reminds me of what happened in my case. I told AH I was "attending Al-Anon." First, he thought I said AA and extended his sympathy. I said no, Al-Anon, it's for people whose lives have been affected by alcoholism. He stopped speaking to me (that was almost 2 years ago). Shortly after that, I heard from his brother that AH was telling everyone "She's in Al-Anon; it's for people who are in abusive relationships with alcoholics." Very telling.

respektingme

Thanks for the info everyone. Now I know what he's hearing about Al-Anon. He used to say if I wanted to support his sobriety, I'd go to Al-Anon. Now I'm going and he may very well be scared. This weekend was the first time I've ever left and gone to a hotel.

I will have a backup planned for next Tuesday. I will say though, playing golf with the boss is a pretty rare thing. Most of the time he's either home by 6pm or in rehab. I did voice my disappointment. I didn't yell or curse. I said how I felt about it. He apologized and tried to change the subject, and I wasn't through talking about how important it is for me to attend. So, I redirected and we resolved the issue, this time. I don't think he's going to do it again.

best

You did good.
A soft voice is listened to even when you don't think we are listening.


and Denny...

Don't you just love it when we fink on ourself? *LOL*

GiveLove

I would try this first. There are many miscommunications between married folks (myself included) that happen because one person isn't aware of the importance of something to the other. Try giving him the benefit of the doubt first. I try to say such things WITHOUT a smile, because I want my husband to know how important it is, and I want to speak from a position of strength. That's just me.

Next time...if he does it again after this heart-to-heart, I'd assume sabotage. This time, who knows. I know the A's in my life have hated Al-Anon but there's no way for us to know that this is true for your husband.

Hugs,
GL

GlassPrisoner

I used to think I knew what motivations people had behind their actions. I was convinced my ex used to sabatoge things that she "knew" were important to ME.

My sponsor pointed out during my 5th step that "I don't even know what motivates ME, how in the *** am I to asssume what motivates others ?"

People do things. Period. Very rarely are they thinking of me when they do it.

It's rude, yes. And inconsiderate.

embraced2000

ahhhhhhhhh....the black belt al-anons, the al-anon robots, the al-anonians, the al-anoids.......beware of them, for they are surely from the dark side! lolololo

my xah used to sneer at the very sound of the words. when he was working his program, he was all for al-anon.....but when he was bingeing, he used it like a club over my head.

he was so sure the meetings were about him and i was informing the entire community about all the insanity in my life.

i would give the hubs one more chance at being on time, then i would forever after have an alternative solution that did not depend on him at all, so that i may attend my meetings.

GlassPrisoner

Makes sense to me.......

Rella927

I love what Laurie said and I say DITTO!

And Best did a DITTO too!

And Glass all I can say is WOW great post!

The famous line is above and taking advice from those in here if you want to head on the road to recover "have a babysitter" on hand!

All I remember hearing is that line and I cannot even begin to count that high how many times I heard it "Won't happen again" I quack quack quack....Me quack quack quack....But quack quack quack!

((((respektingme))))

sunshine321

I'm glad you resolved an issue together. It must feel like an accomplishment to resolve something without screaming and yelling. I need to learn to do that too. Thanks for sharing.

Jenny

Live

LOL My exabf went so far as to chain my car to an unmovable object one time to prevent me from going.

I almost walked the several miles. But....

which one of us was crazier?

It has taken me a long time to say THAT!