So this anger thing . . .
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
So this anger thing . . .
I'm not sure I'm getting this issue with anger in the program. I'm not sure I'm understanding what I'm supposed to do with it. If I keep it to myself, I'm harming myself internally. I learned a long time ago that for me it's not healthy to get angry and keep it in. I had to do that as a child and teen because my mother perceived any form of expression as talking back or being disrespectful. I was not allowed to express myself in any manner or suffer punishment. She was very controlling and strict. I became a very depressed adolescent and young adult and it took me many years to be able to express my feelings correctly. It was a lot of work through therapy. For instance when I would talk about something painful, I would smile. What is that? Or if my therapist directly asked me if I was angry about something we were discussing, I would not admit it directly. I'd use every other emotion, but not anger. I think I was afraid if I actually felt the anger, it would become rage and I wouldn't be able to control it. It was so many years of repressed anger that turned into depression.
Once I worked through a lot of it, the depression lifted and I didn't have a problem with long term depression. So that's how I know that it's unhealthy for me. Plus I believe not releasing anger can damage me physically. In the meantime, I am learning in Al-Anon, that it seems you are not supposed to release your anger. You are supposed to keep it to yourself and ask that it be removed by a higher power. Let go and let God. Hey I understand some things. I am a firm believer in the Serenity Prayer. I do believe that if something is not in your control, you need not worry about it and let it go. I've been a firm believer in that for many, many years. And I can practice it. What I don't understand is when my qualifer speaks to me in a rude or condescending manner, how am I not supposed to get angry about that. He knows I don't like it and I'm not going to simply listen to him say things that are unacceptable to me and not feel angry. I don't have to respond and engage him, I get that, but if I walk away and he has the last nasty word, what do I do with my outrage? Where do I go with that? Just keep it inside? That doesn't sound right to me. That sounds like the ostrich putting it's head in the sand. I get that he's not logical when he's drunk, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with him saying things that aren't true about me. It doesn't mean that I don't get angry that I am in this program because of him (meaning if I wasn't living with an alcoholic I wouldn't need to be in Al-Anon) and he is still having a merry old time drinking it up with the guys and getting sh*tfaced every night. Meanwhile I am the one working the program I need because of him. He is doing neither (working on himself or working a program). We can't move forward in our relationship if only one person is doing the work. I'm on one path to getting healthy. He is on the other path of self-destruction. We couldn't be going in farther directions. I don't get it. Anyone want to lend a voice? Help me with my anger and resentment. Help me to understand how I can release this anger in a healthy way? I am writing a letter to him here and it is helping a little. Of course he'll never see it but it's more for me than him.
Jenny
Once I worked through a lot of it, the depression lifted and I didn't have a problem with long term depression. So that's how I know that it's unhealthy for me. Plus I believe not releasing anger can damage me physically. In the meantime, I am learning in Al-Anon, that it seems you are not supposed to release your anger. You are supposed to keep it to yourself and ask that it be removed by a higher power. Let go and let God. Hey I understand some things. I am a firm believer in the Serenity Prayer. I do believe that if something is not in your control, you need not worry about it and let it go. I've been a firm believer in that for many, many years. And I can practice it. What I don't understand is when my qualifer speaks to me in a rude or condescending manner, how am I not supposed to get angry about that. He knows I don't like it and I'm not going to simply listen to him say things that are unacceptable to me and not feel angry. I don't have to respond and engage him, I get that, but if I walk away and he has the last nasty word, what do I do with my outrage? Where do I go with that? Just keep it inside? That doesn't sound right to me. That sounds like the ostrich putting it's head in the sand. I get that he's not logical when he's drunk, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with him saying things that aren't true about me. It doesn't mean that I don't get angry that I am in this program because of him (meaning if I wasn't living with an alcoholic I wouldn't need to be in Al-Anon) and he is still having a merry old time drinking it up with the guys and getting sh*tfaced every night. Meanwhile I am the one working the program I need because of him. He is doing neither (working on himself or working a program). We can't move forward in our relationship if only one person is doing the work. I'm on one path to getting healthy. He is on the other path of self-destruction. We couldn't be going in farther directions. I don't get it. Anyone want to lend a voice? Help me with my anger and resentment. Help me to understand how I can release this anger in a healthy way? I am writing a letter to him here and it is helping a little. Of course he'll never see it but it's more for me than him.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: nowhere, Wisconsin
Posts: 107
The baseball bat works well for me. Everytime I get pissed off at his behavior I go outside and smash a few balls into space...luckily I have our dog to retrieve them...he he he.
I looked up anger management online to help myself understand why I was so angry all the time...and why I couldnt just let it go. Im no angel....but at least I am trying to make things right for myself and our kids.
I have very few people in my life that truly understand. My family says to just give up on him...that I have lost him to alcohol. I guess when I reach that point I will know that is true, but I have not yet. My heart keeps pleading with God to please do something to save him from himself.
I looked up anger management online to help myself understand why I was so angry all the time...and why I couldnt just let it go. Im no angel....but at least I am trying to make things right for myself and our kids.
I have very few people in my life that truly understand. My family says to just give up on him...that I have lost him to alcohol. I guess when I reach that point I will know that is true, but I have not yet. My heart keeps pleading with God to please do something to save him from himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sunshine321 
Help me with my anger and resentment. Help me to understand how I can release this anger in a healthy way? I am writing a letter to him here and it is helping a little. Of course he'll never see it but it's more for me than him.
Others I know use exercise, or even just going out in the woods and screaming.
I think the reason writing worked for me is because I could periodically go back and review what I wrote. Eventually, the anger and resentment worked it's way into forgiveness. Both for me and my A. I still get pangs of resentment and I still turn to my journal when it happens.
Keep up the good work!
L
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Been there done that.
I was so ontrack with your thoughts.
Anger to me, means something isnt right. Usually, in my world, it means Im tolerating something I shouldn't be.
Working the steps helps with resentments some.
But, in all honesty, allowing myself to BE angry helped me.
Soemtimes I dont have to DO anything about my anger, just feel it.
Then try to put my finger on the reason Im angered.
Then, I try to establish a best case scenario resolution to myanger.
Then I make a list of what I can do to get to the resolution...also known as choices.
Releasing anger in a healthy way..working out helps, but so does an afternoon or evening out with a good friend.
Right, but I struggled with realizing that not everything was actually out of my control. Living with anger and a bad relationship is not somthing I intend to live with unde the guide of let go and let god. I believe I am not intended to live that way and part of my letting go, was letting go of the notion that I wouldnt have to do anything to fix my own life and that if I was kind and studious enough, God would fix my marriage. It didnt happen...instead I learned out to forge my own way..God let me do that and let me let go of unrealistic expectations...
I was so ontrack with your thoughts.
Anger to me, means something isnt right. Usually, in my world, it means Im tolerating something I shouldn't be.
Working the steps helps with resentments some.
But, in all honesty, allowing myself to BE angry helped me.
Soemtimes I dont have to DO anything about my anger, just feel it.
Then try to put my finger on the reason Im angered.
Then, I try to establish a best case scenario resolution to myanger.
Then I make a list of what I can do to get to the resolution...also known as choices.
Releasing anger in a healthy way..working out helps, but so does an afternoon or evening out with a good friend.
do believe that if something is not in your control, you need not worry about it and let it go
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Anger for me is a secondary emotion. There is always something underlying it - fear, rejection, frustration, sadness, hurt and much more.
Journalling is helping, as did counselling. Also, setting boundaries helps me to know that I have done all I can to deal with my side of the street. There aren't any people in my life who will speak rudely or abusively to me more than once.
Journalling is helping, as did counselling. Also, setting boundaries helps me to know that I have done all I can to deal with my side of the street. There aren't any people in my life who will speak rudely or abusively to me more than once.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
What worked/works for me is hitting the tread mill, running around the block or doing a few laps in the pool. Of course I'm cuzzing at M all the time.. LOL!! But it gets it out of my system. (OUT being the key word). Now if I could just give up the red meat I might loose some weight? NOT!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Holding anger in is detrimental physically as well as mentally. But letting the anger out directed at your husband/boyfriend is not helpful in many ways.
Personally, I beat up pillows while carrying on the angry conversation with myself. Or have that angry conversation with myself while drivign alone. Or go for a nice long walk and work some of the physical angst out. There are lots of ways to let the anger out safely and in a healthy manner.
Personally, I beat up pillows while carrying on the angry conversation with myself. Or have that angry conversation with myself while drivign alone. Or go for a nice long walk and work some of the physical angst out. There are lots of ways to let the anger out safely and in a healthy manner.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I think anger is a valuable emotion. It's recognizing when I'm not really angry, but hurt, afraid, etc. that helps. I was so angry 24/7 I took it out on everyone. There's much less of that now, since my true anger only appears sporadically.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
How I dealt with my anger in the beginning:
2 ft of snow in my drive
a snow shovel
a mantra
took me 4 hours of "I hate him" to clear the drive...
When I first REALLY took a look at my codependency, I had anger about my XABF, my mom's child rearing mistakes, my dad's absence, my dysfunctional family as a kid, myself...there was a lot of "stuff" I swept under the carpet to survive as a kid. It took me awhile but in order to get through the huge pile, I wrote in my journal, worked a lot, read codependency books, lived at home depot, ODAT, did home-work given to me by my counselor, did yard work for hours...until I had examined every bit of that mountain, worked through it and put it where it belonged.
It was a mountian of anger I had to get through. The whole thing took about 3 months, and it was real bad for about a month for me.
I do still get angry from time to time, but because I got throught the mountain, I can handle the pebbles of anger that show up with a jog, writing in my journal, venting to a friend, or puting a note in my "God" box to go to my HP.
2 Different kinds of anger (mountian and the mole-hill)...2 different approaches.
Take what you want - leave the rest.
2 ft of snow in my drive
a snow shovel
a mantra
took me 4 hours of "I hate him" to clear the drive...
When I first REALLY took a look at my codependency, I had anger about my XABF, my mom's child rearing mistakes, my dad's absence, my dysfunctional family as a kid, myself...there was a lot of "stuff" I swept under the carpet to survive as a kid. It took me awhile but in order to get through the huge pile, I wrote in my journal, worked a lot, read codependency books, lived at home depot, ODAT, did home-work given to me by my counselor, did yard work for hours...until I had examined every bit of that mountain, worked through it and put it where it belonged.
It was a mountian of anger I had to get through. The whole thing took about 3 months, and it was real bad for about a month for me.
I do still get angry from time to time, but because I got throught the mountain, I can handle the pebbles of anger that show up with a jog, writing in my journal, venting to a friend, or puting a note in my "God" box to go to my HP.
2 Different kinds of anger (mountian and the mole-hill)...2 different approaches.
Take what you want - leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Boy can I relate. You described my upbringing to a "T". I couldn't understand why I married an alcoholic. I've never even known an alcoholic in my lifetime. Never was directly related to one. So why did I end up with one?
My father was a flyer in the military. He probably screwed at least one woman in every country he visited. So, he was doing something my mother couldn't control. Consequently, she raged inside. There was nothing she could do to stop his behavior. So she screamed at me. One of her sisters recently told me that she still feels guilt for not stepping in when my mother would scream at me and I was two. My mother was extremely bitchy. I was never allowed to show emotion, never.
My parents divorced and my dad married someone who was made from the same mold as my mother. I was smothered. The stepmother ruled with an iron fist. Her son and I both grew up in fear of her coming home from work. It was really horrible, violently so.
Sooooo, I was raised that my opinion/feelings come last to everyone else's. I can't get mad, someone will get madder than me. I felt defeated.
So, when AH would get drunk, he would tell me how fat I am. He'd say, "You just don't understand, I DWELL on your weight. I can't think of anything else besides YOUR FAT." I absorbed all of his words as truth. Hey, I'm 5'9" and weight 190, but I felt much larger and oh so ugly. He'd get drunk and say, "You're so lazy!!!" I'm not either, but he could convince me that I was.
It was like reliving my childhood. Now through Al-Anon, I'm realizing the damage that has occured. I don't want to continue playing the game with him, where he blows up, I shrivel up and my self-esteem sinks even lower. The time before last when he got drunk, he started to talk to me and I raised my hand and said, "I'm not talking to you while you're drunk". I'm not giving him the opportunity to give me his crap.
And I don't think you have to eat crow either. Don't allow him to be abusive to you. Leave. Go stay in a hotel. I spent Saturday night in a hotel, it was fun. The bottom line is, you can't argue any point with an alcoholic. The point gets lost because he'll say whatever to get his way. Decide what you want, and then do it. If he doesn't like it, tough.
I used to plan for what I was going to say to my AH someday, like the next time he shoots me down personally. I used to dream about how bad my words would hurt him, like so bad that he'd never want to stay married to me anymore. I get juiced up just thinking about how bad I was going to lay him out someday. What wasted energy. I gave him too much power.
Maybe that's part of our problem, giving them too much power. Believing their words without realizing it's the bottle.
My father was a flyer in the military. He probably screwed at least one woman in every country he visited. So, he was doing something my mother couldn't control. Consequently, she raged inside. There was nothing she could do to stop his behavior. So she screamed at me. One of her sisters recently told me that she still feels guilt for not stepping in when my mother would scream at me and I was two. My mother was extremely bitchy. I was never allowed to show emotion, never.
My parents divorced and my dad married someone who was made from the same mold as my mother. I was smothered. The stepmother ruled with an iron fist. Her son and I both grew up in fear of her coming home from work. It was really horrible, violently so.
Sooooo, I was raised that my opinion/feelings come last to everyone else's. I can't get mad, someone will get madder than me. I felt defeated.
So, when AH would get drunk, he would tell me how fat I am. He'd say, "You just don't understand, I DWELL on your weight. I can't think of anything else besides YOUR FAT." I absorbed all of his words as truth. Hey, I'm 5'9" and weight 190, but I felt much larger and oh so ugly. He'd get drunk and say, "You're so lazy!!!" I'm not either, but he could convince me that I was.
It was like reliving my childhood. Now through Al-Anon, I'm realizing the damage that has occured. I don't want to continue playing the game with him, where he blows up, I shrivel up and my self-esteem sinks even lower. The time before last when he got drunk, he started to talk to me and I raised my hand and said, "I'm not talking to you while you're drunk". I'm not giving him the opportunity to give me his crap.
And I don't think you have to eat crow either. Don't allow him to be abusive to you. Leave. Go stay in a hotel. I spent Saturday night in a hotel, it was fun. The bottom line is, you can't argue any point with an alcoholic. The point gets lost because he'll say whatever to get his way. Decide what you want, and then do it. If he doesn't like it, tough.
I used to plan for what I was going to say to my AH someday, like the next time he shoots me down personally. I used to dream about how bad my words would hurt him, like so bad that he'd never want to stay married to me anymore. I get juiced up just thinking about how bad I was going to lay him out someday. What wasted energy. I gave him too much power.
Maybe that's part of our problem, giving them too much power. Believing their words without realizing it's the bottle.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
thanks for this post - i am dealing with a lot of anger too....and i agree with minnie - it is a secondary emotion for me....at least most of the time. no great advice to offer as i still have not figured out what to do with mine.
that is why i can't even be in contact with xaf.....i am still too hurt and angry...oh, that and he is still drinking....
that is why i can't even be in contact with xaf.....i am still too hurt and angry...oh, that and he is still drinking....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by sunshine321
It doesn't mean that I don't get angry that I am in this program because of him (meaning if I wasn't living with an alcoholic I wouldn't need to be in Al-Anon)
Meanwhile I am the one working the program I need because of him. He is doing neither (working on himself or working a program). We can't move forward in our relationship if only one person is doing the work.
Meanwhile I am the one working the program I need because of him. He is doing neither (working on himself or working a program). We can't move forward in our relationship if only one person is doing the work.
I also found that I couldn't move forward in my relationship either, therefore I had to make changes for my own well-being.
My anger started to lessen when I looked at the reality of what I was accepting.
I was more angry at myself for not taking care of myself sooner! Now I focus on what is best for myself and put my energy into the follow through with that.
When you are ready to let go of the anger, serenity will be yours. I journaled, posted here, read, and started living the life I deserve. My actions are most important now.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
These are the things that make me most angry. He says them when he is drunk and when he is agitated the next morning. We learned through an alcoholism specialist that he remains in an agitated/irritated state for 12 to 14 hours after he had his last drink. And if he goes on a binge for days, he can bombard his nervous system with so much alcohol that he can remain that way for days after he hasn't had a drink, which doesn't happen unless he is sick with a fever.
He tries to tell me that he needs me to do some things to give him comfort in our relationship before he can begin recovery (bargining). Wrong answer. I've already stated that's unacceptable to me.
He told me that I was in Al-Alnon to "cover my ass." Boy that burns me up. I'm in Al-Anon because I live with a drunk. I am sacraficing my time by learning about something I would never have a need to know if it weren't for him. I go on my lunch hours because I don't have the time or a way for anyone to watch my kids for night meetings and I certainly wouldn't leave them alone with him.
He says that if I want to have a meaningful conversation about anything I just need to let him know and he will refrain from drinking until we are finished. (my schedule has to revolve around his) I do not want to do this. I don't feel it's fair to me and it's BS.
If I can let him know if I want him to put our daughter to bed so he can refrain from drinking until that job is done. (again my/his baby's schedule has to revolve around his)
When he gets mad he sleeps wherever he feels like it, and if we have a fight, he can leave and stay out all night without a phone call. He also leave completely wasted and drives like that. (control) Of course if I ever did that, he'd freak out and state that I was abandoning the kids.
He now has made a valiant effort to stop being hurtful, mean and angry when we have a conversation that gets heated and he will either stop and leave the room, or just remain talking in a level voice but his words are still hurtful (as in above, cover my ass with Al-Anon, that was just this morning) But he wants praise for it. He has mentioned in the last week at least 3 or 4 times what a great effort he had made and how he doesn't want a pat on the back or anything. Yeah right.
He said he will not take responsibility for all of the problems and the walls that have been put up in this relationship. I will not take responsibility for my actions until he gets into a program or rehab and we see clearly what the problems are. I have no idea because we've never not been affected by his drinking. I can't really say for sure what the problems are. It's hard to separate them. His alcoholism seems to be the main focus because it affects so many aspects of him. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this as is evident by the fact that I'm so angry and I engage in conversations when he's drunk even though I know I shouldn't. But honestly, and I said this to him today, there is no time to talk because either he is wasted or coming down off it.
This morning he was angry that I didn't wake him up. He slept in another part of the house because he was angry with me last night and I don't feel it's my responsibility to wake him. He can set an alarm if it's so important. Besides I heard him around 7:00 a.m. talking to one of his workers on the phone so he was up at least once this morning. I told him as much and said it's not my responsibility. I refuse to contribute to his problem if I can control it. And it takes an effort to say no to myself. I was tempted more than once but said, no that's his problem, not mine. I have two kids to get ready and myself in the morning and he should be able to at least take care of himself.
These are just some of the things that make me so angry my blood boils. I'm going to Al-Anon for myself and in order not to lose my sanity while I'm still in this situation. I'm not going anywhere to cover my ass. I don't need to cover my ass. That's the thing, he projects his crap on to me. He needs to cover his ass all the time. I don't.
Jenny
He tries to tell me that he needs me to do some things to give him comfort in our relationship before he can begin recovery (bargining). Wrong answer. I've already stated that's unacceptable to me.
He told me that I was in Al-Alnon to "cover my ass." Boy that burns me up. I'm in Al-Anon because I live with a drunk. I am sacraficing my time by learning about something I would never have a need to know if it weren't for him. I go on my lunch hours because I don't have the time or a way for anyone to watch my kids for night meetings and I certainly wouldn't leave them alone with him.
He says that if I want to have a meaningful conversation about anything I just need to let him know and he will refrain from drinking until we are finished. (my schedule has to revolve around his) I do not want to do this. I don't feel it's fair to me and it's BS.
If I can let him know if I want him to put our daughter to bed so he can refrain from drinking until that job is done. (again my/his baby's schedule has to revolve around his)
When he gets mad he sleeps wherever he feels like it, and if we have a fight, he can leave and stay out all night without a phone call. He also leave completely wasted and drives like that. (control) Of course if I ever did that, he'd freak out and state that I was abandoning the kids.
He now has made a valiant effort to stop being hurtful, mean and angry when we have a conversation that gets heated and he will either stop and leave the room, or just remain talking in a level voice but his words are still hurtful (as in above, cover my ass with Al-Anon, that was just this morning) But he wants praise for it. He has mentioned in the last week at least 3 or 4 times what a great effort he had made and how he doesn't want a pat on the back or anything. Yeah right.
He said he will not take responsibility for all of the problems and the walls that have been put up in this relationship. I will not take responsibility for my actions until he gets into a program or rehab and we see clearly what the problems are. I have no idea because we've never not been affected by his drinking. I can't really say for sure what the problems are. It's hard to separate them. His alcoholism seems to be the main focus because it affects so many aspects of him. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this as is evident by the fact that I'm so angry and I engage in conversations when he's drunk even though I know I shouldn't. But honestly, and I said this to him today, there is no time to talk because either he is wasted or coming down off it.
This morning he was angry that I didn't wake him up. He slept in another part of the house because he was angry with me last night and I don't feel it's my responsibility to wake him. He can set an alarm if it's so important. Besides I heard him around 7:00 a.m. talking to one of his workers on the phone so he was up at least once this morning. I told him as much and said it's not my responsibility. I refuse to contribute to his problem if I can control it. And it takes an effort to say no to myself. I was tempted more than once but said, no that's his problem, not mine. I have two kids to get ready and myself in the morning and he should be able to at least take care of himself.
These are just some of the things that make me so angry my blood boils. I'm going to Al-Anon for myself and in order not to lose my sanity while I'm still in this situation. I'm not going anywhere to cover my ass. I don't need to cover my ass. That's the thing, he projects his crap on to me. He needs to cover his ass all the time. I don't.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Jenny,
I hear you repeating a lot of what he says. You are also acknowledging that he is irritable 12-14 hours after his last drink, which is when he is not on a several day binge. So, it sounds like you are absorbing what he is saying like a sponge.
If he wants you to listen to him, then he needs to be in the same ballpark, as in sober. That's what he needs to do in order to get his message through to you. Otherwise, Jack Daniels is doing the talking for him.
You are reacting to what he is saying. Something needs to change, and you're probably going to have to be the one to change it. My AH tried to talk to me the last time he was drunk, and I just left. Took the kids to a hotel. Before that, I raised my hand and said, "I'm not talking to you until you are sober". It takes two for this abuse to happen. His saying it, and your willingness to listen.
By now, you should realize that when you listen, you get very upset. Being upset is no fun.
You need to focus on how to stop being so angry, for your own health, happiness and sanity.
He's not stupid, right? So he decided to sleep somewhere else in the house, and there was no alarm clock there. He is mad at himself for not waking up. He KNOWS it's his fault. But you're an easy target. Do we ALWAYS make easy targets? Stop being an easy target. As soon as he starts his rant, say whatever you have to say to get him to shut up or simply leave the room. Someone suggested waving a hand and saying "I'm not talking to you about this right now."
When you engage in the accusation, you're now involved in the game. He blames you, you reject the blame, now he can build his arsenal of resentment towards you. Don't buy into it, don't allow it. Don't respond, if nothing else, don't listen to it.
I'm new to Al-Anon, but I can really see how I've been allowing myself to be played. My mother used to say, "It's the booze talking". I'm so glad you shared about the 12-14 hour later being irritable news. I couldn't understand it. I'd say, "No mom, he wasn't actually drinking when he said it, I think he means it." But he sure as hell drank the night before. Makes sense now.
I'm going to have to figure out boundaries now for my and my AH to have conversations. I'm so new, all I can do right now is stop the bleeding, and that means stop allowing his words to hurt me. Good luck.
I hear you repeating a lot of what he says. You are also acknowledging that he is irritable 12-14 hours after his last drink, which is when he is not on a several day binge. So, it sounds like you are absorbing what he is saying like a sponge.
If he wants you to listen to him, then he needs to be in the same ballpark, as in sober. That's what he needs to do in order to get his message through to you. Otherwise, Jack Daniels is doing the talking for him.
You are reacting to what he is saying. Something needs to change, and you're probably going to have to be the one to change it. My AH tried to talk to me the last time he was drunk, and I just left. Took the kids to a hotel. Before that, I raised my hand and said, "I'm not talking to you until you are sober". It takes two for this abuse to happen. His saying it, and your willingness to listen.
By now, you should realize that when you listen, you get very upset. Being upset is no fun.
You need to focus on how to stop being so angry, for your own health, happiness and sanity.
He's not stupid, right? So he decided to sleep somewhere else in the house, and there was no alarm clock there. He is mad at himself for not waking up. He KNOWS it's his fault. But you're an easy target. Do we ALWAYS make easy targets? Stop being an easy target. As soon as he starts his rant, say whatever you have to say to get him to shut up or simply leave the room. Someone suggested waving a hand and saying "I'm not talking to you about this right now."
When you engage in the accusation, you're now involved in the game. He blames you, you reject the blame, now he can build his arsenal of resentment towards you. Don't buy into it, don't allow it. Don't respond, if nothing else, don't listen to it.
I'm new to Al-Anon, but I can really see how I've been allowing myself to be played. My mother used to say, "It's the booze talking". I'm so glad you shared about the 12-14 hour later being irritable news. I couldn't understand it. I'd say, "No mom, he wasn't actually drinking when he said it, I think he means it." But he sure as hell drank the night before. Makes sense now.
I'm going to have to figure out boundaries now for my and my AH to have conversations. I'm so new, all I can do right now is stop the bleeding, and that means stop allowing his words to hurt me. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
If your husband died tonight of a heart attack, or in an accident, would the sun rise tomorrow? Would you be capable enough to get by? Taking the focus off the alcoholic - the king of all he rules - is priceless.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
One of the most important lessons I've learned is to base my decisions/choices/actions on the reality of WHAT IS, right now. I can always change my mind later if the reality changes. I also decide for myself the roles others are going to play in my life based on their ACTIONS, not their words. Especially when the two of them are not congruent.
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