respektingme

AH said his mother is coming. I argued. I shouldn't have. He said arguing about it made him want to drink. So, I guess she comes and I eat more crap.

Today he said she is now coming this weekend. He "asked" me my thoughts. WTF???? He knows my thoughts. I asked what he wants me to say. He said he'd love it if we could be one happy family. I told him he's been in AA long enough to know that my relationship with her is none of his concern. But that he should be concerned about his sobriety. If she comes and he drinks, then the problem is back between himself and I. So, he needs to see what he values more, his sobriety or hanging on to his mommy's nipple.

They both make me sick. One of her big reasons for coming was to show him support and attend rehab with him on Saturday. Oh yeah, and her AH has never been to AA, so she hoped to introduce him to it by attending (more control and manipulation). But now she's just coming Saturday, no mention of attending any meetings. No question as to the timing, just a voicemail to him with an announcement. And his supposed asking me what I think. That's like....."Honey, if you say no, you're going to make me drink. Give me what I want or I'll drink."

HA!!!! IT's so damned difficult dealing with my own feelings about both of them. I need more time in my program, I told him that. I'm not superhuman. 2 Al-Anon meetings isn't enough for me. I told him my boundary is that she is not in this house when he isn't home. So, don't bother showing up at 11am Sat. while AH is in a meeting until noon.

That, and if he gets drunk because she came, and he couldn't handle her psycho games, I'm leaving for the entire week. I need a break from him, more than just one night.

Barbara52

I'm sorry you are having to go thru this. Remember you can always go to a hotel for the day/night if you feel you are better off away from the situation.

lostnfound1961

Try your best to be strait with him and say how you feel. If he drinks, It's because he chose to. You have no power to make him drink and you have no power to keep him from drinking. Whatever happens, hold on to that.

As for the mother inlaw.... Yikes!
D

denny57

There are other choices. I never have just one.

I understand your anger, resentment and fear. If your relationship with her is none of HIS concern, then certainly his with her, or his sobriety, is none of YOURS. I had a very hard time with this concept, because I was certain I was right in my judgment of others.

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Keep posting - it helps.

((()))

HKAngel24

You do not make he want to do anything.
He had a choice. Do not let him push that off on you.
It is one of the most powerful tools of alcoholics and addicts- next to denial- the idea of saying of not taking responsiblity for their own substance abuse problems.

I admire you for your strength. Sounds like you've had enough and you know your boiling point. I'll be thinking of you.

LGLG07

It took me a long time to get to the point where I dont make my decisions on what I will do/say based on what I think my ah's reaction with be .
I packed up my kids 3 wks ago and left the house for 5 days because I had to get away from him for ME and my kids . Not in hopes that he would suddenly be so lost without us that he would sober up . That was the least of my worrys , he does what he wants , I do what I want .

You need to do what you want to do , dont worry about him , he has choices now . If you cannot stand your mother in law , I agree with the others , leave for the day or the night if she stays . Let him visit with her all he wants , you dont have to be a part of that . Oh and while your gone ... do something fun ! Call your girlfriends , visit your own family , dont waste your valuable time worrying about him or her !

Lots of luck !

respektingme

Thanks. I have 2 kids, age 10 and 7. She is coming to see them. She attempted to turn my stepdaughters against their own mother when they were young. She is all about gaining loyalty from those she sees as property and dismissing all who she sees as unworthy of her affection (me and AH's ex). She's such a manipulative witch, that often AH gets really ripped, like around bedtime. So, I'm not real comfortable going to a hotel for the night. He could likely be comatose and she'll be rescuer to my children if he is. Something I'm sure she'd love, to feel needed by my children.

Also, she has tried for years to get me to agree to leave my kids with her for a week or so over the summer, without AH and I being there. There's no way I'd leave her alone with my children. So, if I were to leave one night, that would give her the fuel to say that I left one night and everyone was fine, so she can take my kids.

I can let go in most areas, but I don't want my kids to be in the game.

Barbara52

So take the kids with you to a hotel if you feel it would be better for them and for you to not be there. So what if she is coming to see the kids? You are responsible for seeing they are not in a toxic environment. AH and MIL will not be happy with you but the important question is will you be happy with you and your decision? Will you be doing what is best for the kids? Thinking in those terms is what lets me see thing clearly.

LGLG07

I didnt realize children were involved . Then I dont blame you a bit . I have 4 kids myself , 11 , 9 , 7 & 1 and I cringe when my MIL is around them .

Keep your focus on your kids for the night . Have them help you with dinner and cleaning up afterwards , try to stay out of your ah & mils way . Make something that the kids love for dessert . Try to get them to bed as early as you can . Then grab a good book and retreat to your room !

I would do my hardest not to have too much conversation , less reason for you to bite your tongue!

denny57

Nothing changes unless something changes. I can't expect the changing to come from others if I'm unwilling to change myself.

Mr. Christian

I say you grab the kids and leave the house while she's there.
You got family?

Rella927

You have not failed .....as Denny stated so well "There are choices" finding the right one is not always easy but it needs to be done in order to create peace and harmony in your own life.


I can understand your anger, bitterness etc also... but it will not get better unless you are the one to change it. I know with my mother I had to change in order to live a happier life in that area of my life and with my A. I had to accept that they were not going to change! But I was!

I have learned over the years and started to apply it with regards to my mother-that what choices she makes in her life I may not agree with but they are her's and she owns them not me! When I make choices and she disagrees with them they are mine not hers and I can live for today with the choices I made without someone making me feel as If I did something wrong.

Start setting boundaries and sticking to them. And if they are not met follow through with the boundarie that you set.

Look out for yourself and start trying to understand that she is who she is and she will not change but, you can change.

Take the kids when she comes as others have said and go ENJOY yourselves! Forget about her and allow AH to make the choices he can only make. If they are against your boundarie with him then you take that as it comes....for now own your own choices and enjoy your life and those kids!

(((HUGS))))

respektingme

Thanks for all your advice everyone. About taking the kids..... that is why she is coming. I don't see how I can agree to her coming, and then say I'm leaving with the kids. If I didn't plan on her seeing the kids, I would have simply said no.

She has lived with 3 generations of alcoholics. She is super controlling. I am a threat. My kids aren't a threat. She plays with them like she's their age. I'm just going to stay away from her. I explained my boundaries to AH today. He is not to ask me to go with them, particularly in front of her. He is not to pressure me into doing anything with them. He is to pretend I'm not here. I will go about my business. He chose to bring her here, and I am trying hard to accept that. In exchange, I am asking that he accept that I don't want to have a relationship with her in any form. So, it's give and take, a compromise. Typically she is nice to my face anyway. It's not until she's been home a while that I hear back all the crap she's twisted about that I said. Her job is to alienate me from the family, so she is looking for things to put me down about. If I open my mouth, it's bait for her.

prodigal

Okay, just my opinion, respek, but maybe something worth chewing on for a little while. I'm "feeling" several common themes in your threads are (1) about a power struggle; (2) a love/hate "triangle," or what some psychiatrists term a "triad"; (3) your bringing up a subject, being intimidated by AH or MIL and then skulking off and shutting up. As I said, this is just my interpretation of what I'm reading.

As someone who has been known to be the world's best at biting-my-tongue-while-isolating-in-another-room, I can tell you that it works - to a point. At some point, my anger has found avenues in the past to come ROARING out. You're in a major power struggle with MIL, and one I doubt you're ever going to win. She won't allow it to happen.

Take your children and go to a motel if YOU so desire. Do it quietly and calmly. If she makes a fuss, remove yourself from her presence in any way possible. If she starts up in the presence of the children, send them to play with their friends, if that is a possibility. Start looking at ways to not be the odd-guy out that has to sneak away and bite your tongue all the time, while building more frustration inside.

I found that the surest way to get someone who was yelling at me and bullying me to back down was to speak quietly. They'd usually jerk their head up and suddenly realize I was talking. "Huh? Waddya say there? HUH??" Say it once and mean it. Then refuse to get sucked in.

It took me practice to learn how to do that, but it sure as heck got my AH to shut his mouth and quit fighting with me. Sure, he still calls me names on occasion, but I just walk away. If someone wants to fight and there is nobody to fight WITH, all the wind is soon knocked out of their sails.