I'm seeing a pattern, let me know if this is right
 

My mother-in-law grew up with an alcoholic father and a controlling mother.

She married a man she could push around. He was the son of an alcoholic, but choose not to drink. He died around 53 of cancer.

She remarried a man, who is an alcohlic.

Her son, my AH, is an alcoholic.

My MIL is absolutely the most controlling person I have ever met. She is extremely religious. Has to know everybody's business. She gives unwanted advice constantly. She talks bad about everybody to everybody. She fuels chaos, gossips, keeps family members at odds. She is a puppeteer and all the family members are her puppets. Inside I know she is really miserable. She view every woman my AH has ever been with as a threat, hated them all and that includes me. Last year she really crossed the line with me (long story). AH told her she needs to apologize. She said, "WHAT FOR!?!?!?!?!?" Then she said she absolutely would not. This woman has read the bible 500 million times, and will argue it with anyone. It's a weapon, her shield to always be right.

So, I see how I've become controlling since being married to AH. I make all the decisions. He's too busy drinking. I've spent years trying to control his drinking, to no avail. I have become a mini-version of her.

Is this how it always works????? I'm learning new ways through Al-Anon. I wish she would go. Until she ever admits she needs to work on herself, she's going to continue to make our lives hell.

AH and I fought yesterday. He said she wants to come, and my not saying that she should come made him want to drink. Finally, I told him I can't control what he or she does, that I have to find my own peace and I won't mention another word.

You say your MIL is "extremely religious." I don't know what particular religious sect she embraces, but I think "legalistic" is more appropriate in her case than "religious." Just my opinion, as someone who reads the Bible on a daily basis, but in the New Testament Jesus was constantly at odds with the legalistic Phairasees who wanted to stick to the letter of the law and argue a point to death.

Why let her or anyone else make your lives hell? Don't hang around her. Your AH wants to see his mom so much, suggest he go to her house to see her. As far as you not mentioning another word, that is your right. Just think about it. You are boiling mad inside. You are not saying anything. Sounds like a loose canon on the deck, doesn't it? Keep venting here if you need to and vent to your sponsor.

So what if she's read the Bible a zillion times? People who HEAR what the message is saying don't get argumentative. They respect other people's right to freedom of choice to believe or not believe as they so desire. I could sit down and read the Koran and get into a spirited debate about what it says, but it doesn't make me a follower of Islam. Whatever she claims to be is her right, but as I recall Jesus said "I am gentle and humble of heart." Your MIL sounds about as gentle and humble as a steamroller!

Frankly, your AH is blowing smoke up your wazoo and you know it. Making him drink by not allowing his mom to come visit - oh, puuulleeeezzzzeeee!

I found that finding my own patterns brought greater reward than figuring out those of others. Also, I was reading about a technique today for when someone is causing me a lot of pain - substituting the "she/he/them" for "I" and seeing whether any of the sentences hit any nerves within myself. So often what gets my goat about other people is what I dislike about my own behaviour.

It's a tough situation. And not a particularly comfortable one either. However, your MIL and husband seem to want the visit to happen, so perhaps this comes under the "accept the things I cannot change" part of the Serenity Prayer. The challenge for you is to find ways of finding peace amongst the chaos.

Oh, and your husband seems to have worked out which button to press to activate your fear. Wouldn't it be great of you could deactivate that button by being able to thrive whether he is drinking or not?

My ex=hubbys parents were very religious, his Dad was a baptist preacher for 60 years, his wife was a preachers wife, to a tee.

They did not like me because I was Catholic, plain and simple. They ignorned me, talked around me and made me miserable. My ex was a Mama's boy, and would never speak up, he would just sit there with this dumb look on his face.

So, I stopped going to visit them,(they never visited us) he went on his own. Worked just fine for me and them, I never saw them again.

Thanks all. I am trying to change myself, as I know it's the only way I can change this. When I'm away from her long enough, I am able to disengaged, realize she is a very small person with a very small mind. She has no formal education, was poverty level until her husband died, and he was insured heavily. So the money she got helped feed her control over others (not me, but others in the extended family). She's Baptist. So am I. But she represents what I never want to be in any faith, all show.

I think she may come, and I'll keep to myself. I need a sponsor. But I have only been in Al-Anon 2 weeks.

This morning I mentioned to AH that I was getting a quote to screen in the porch. He blew his lid! So I retreated and didn't say anything. He came to me and said, "I'm sorry, but you know that's one of my hot buttons." Hmmmm, so when his hot button is pushed, he gets his way. And when he pushes my hot button (insisting that his mother come right now), he gets his way. This stuff is hard to figure out.

Get his way? Does that mean you're not getting the screen? Why not? Looking back it has gotten more difficult for me to complain about what AH "wouldn't" let me do. I chose to accept the status quo, keep the supposed peace. Then I chose to change it.

I say pick your battles. That is the only way you can survive. If I let ABF get his way every time he pushed my buttons, it would always be his way or no way. There are times I get sucked in to the fighting though. It's a hard habit to break and I'm still working on it. I have been in Al-Anon for 6 weeks and I still don't have a sponsor yet either. I don't think it's that easy to pick one. Just remember you can't change people, your husband or MIL. Hope the visit goes better than you anticipate.

Jenny

So this anger thing . . .
 

wrong place