PLEASE HELP: she's destroying our family
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
PLEASE HELP: she's destroying our family
Hello,
I'm new to this forum and this is my first posting. My 40 year-old sister has been an alcoholic for over fifteen years now, in and out of treatment, with countless relapses, etc. She moved to my parent's house a year ago with plans to "get back on her feet" and get back out on her own in a few months. But a year has almost passed, and she's still living at home, and my parents are still having to pick up the pieces for her (they live in a different state). They've basically taken over for things that my brother and I had to do: taking my sister to the emergency room for her drinking, etc. (which I refuse to do anymore).
I am so sick and tired of seeing what she is doing to my parents; they are supposed to be retired, but are in essence taking care of her and all of her responsibilities. She recently crashed my mom's car after another relapse, so my parents are stuck driving her to work, to doctor's appts, etc. etc., which puts undue strain on my parent's pocketbooks and retirement.
My sister refuses to stop drinking and she refuses to get help. She and I used to be very close, but because of her drinking, I've begun to cut off ties from her because I am tired of seeing her destroy her life. I am now more concerned for my parents; they are enabling her by allowing her to live with them and continue to drink, but they will not ask her to leave their house or make her get a place of her own. They tell me that they don't have the heart to make her leave. I'm being supportive of them while informing them about what I've read about enabling, etc. But it's really affecting my mom's health--she has terrible insomnia now because of my sister's drinking.
I am getting married in October and I had asked my sister to be my maid of honor. She has been unenthusiastic from the get-go, but now that she is binge drinking and refusing to seek help again, I do not want her in my wedding. Is this selfish of me? I just have a feeling that she would get really drunk and make a spectacle in front of me, my family, the groom's family, and all of our friends. I don't want that to happen. I've also read about "setting consequences" for the alcoholic's behavior; is this an appropriate consequence?
I just don't know what to do for her anymore. We used to be very close, like I said, but she won't even talk to me anymore. I am tired of living with her problem and seeing it destroy our family. Any advice?
I'm new to this forum and this is my first posting. My 40 year-old sister has been an alcoholic for over fifteen years now, in and out of treatment, with countless relapses, etc. She moved to my parent's house a year ago with plans to "get back on her feet" and get back out on her own in a few months. But a year has almost passed, and she's still living at home, and my parents are still having to pick up the pieces for her (they live in a different state). They've basically taken over for things that my brother and I had to do: taking my sister to the emergency room for her drinking, etc. (which I refuse to do anymore).
I am so sick and tired of seeing what she is doing to my parents; they are supposed to be retired, but are in essence taking care of her and all of her responsibilities. She recently crashed my mom's car after another relapse, so my parents are stuck driving her to work, to doctor's appts, etc. etc., which puts undue strain on my parent's pocketbooks and retirement.
My sister refuses to stop drinking and she refuses to get help. She and I used to be very close, but because of her drinking, I've begun to cut off ties from her because I am tired of seeing her destroy her life. I am now more concerned for my parents; they are enabling her by allowing her to live with them and continue to drink, but they will not ask her to leave their house or make her get a place of her own. They tell me that they don't have the heart to make her leave. I'm being supportive of them while informing them about what I've read about enabling, etc. But it's really affecting my mom's health--she has terrible insomnia now because of my sister's drinking.
I am getting married in October and I had asked my sister to be my maid of honor. She has been unenthusiastic from the get-go, but now that she is binge drinking and refusing to seek help again, I do not want her in my wedding. Is this selfish of me? I just have a feeling that she would get really drunk and make a spectacle in front of me, my family, the groom's family, and all of our friends. I don't want that to happen. I've also read about "setting consequences" for the alcoholic's behavior; is this an appropriate consequence?
I just don't know what to do for her anymore. We used to be very close, like I said, but she won't even talk to me anymore. I am tired of living with her problem and seeing it destroy our family. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tennessee
Posts: 592
Get yourself another maid of honor.Thats not selfish,your concerns are justified.It should be your day dont let her turn it into her day.I would suggest telling her dont pull any punches get help or dont come.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Did you see the movie "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock which portrays your situation with a wedding, sister as maid of honor ? Rent it if you haven't seen it.
If you know your sister can't handle the role, don't put her in it. The maid of honor is suppose to support you on this special day. Maybe you should choose someone who you know can do that. Take care of yourself and make the wedding a day you don't have to be concerned w/ your sis's behavior. Acceptance of her capabilities + disease. I understand the loss you feel. This disease has hijacked the sister you had.
If you know your sister can't handle the role, don't put her in it. The maid of honor is suppose to support you on this special day. Maybe you should choose someone who you know can do that. Take care of yourself and make the wedding a day you don't have to be concerned w/ your sis's behavior. Acceptance of her capabilities + disease. I understand the loss you feel. This disease has hijacked the sister you had.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
That's a hard one. I watched my Grandparents take care of their daughter until they both passed away. Perhaps get your parents some reading material about alcoholics, and maybe some literature from Al anon. The more they know, the better off they will be. Do your parents have a computer? This is a wonderful site, and might help your Mom tremendously. As for the wedding, it's your day, no one else's! Hugs.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My Mom is the alcoholic in my life, she has been drinking for over 60 years.
I keep her an arms length away, that is the only way I can maintain my sanity. I pick and choose when and where I go with her, if she gets out of hand, I just walk away, no words, poof, I just disappear.
Most likely, your parents will not change, they will continue to enable her, they are set in their ways.
All you can do is, take care of you, and if that means getting a different Maid of Honor, do it.
Keep posting, it will help.
I keep her an arms length away, that is the only way I can maintain my sanity. I pick and choose when and where I go with her, if she gets out of hand, I just walk away, no words, poof, I just disappear.
Most likely, your parents will not change, they will continue to enable her, they are set in their ways.
All you can do is, take care of you, and if that means getting a different Maid of Honor, do it.
Keep posting, it will help.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((really fed up)))))))
Welcome! I want to comment on what you asked about setting consequences....
We set boundries in in doing so they may reap the consequences of their action.
Setting boundries might include not loaning money, not allowing them to borrow your car, anything that might protect you from their destructiveness....
I in the past have tried to orchestrate consequences for an A in my life only to have it blow up in my face. Let her meet her own consequences you set your boundary.
Welcome! I want to comment on what you asked about setting consequences....
We set boundries in in doing so they may reap the consequences of their action.
Setting boundries might include not loaning money, not allowing them to borrow your car, anything that might protect you from their destructiveness....
I in the past have tried to orchestrate consequences for an A in my life only to have it blow up in my face. Let her meet her own consequences you set your boundary.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, cut your losses, and get another maid of honor. Many parents see their children as forever THEIR CHILDREN. A sense of guilt, responsibility, need to hold the family unit together, whatever ... your parents may be coming from one of these perspectives.
If your parents want to enable, you can only suggest they give Al-Anon a try. It sounds like the stress and chaos of living with an A is starting to take its toll on them. If they want to continue what they're doing, then that's their choice. Just as you have to let your sister continue to drink, you have to let your parents continue to make the decisions their making.
I'm sure this hurts you a great deal, but all we can do is take care of ourselves and allow others the dignity to choose to do so or not.
If your parents want to enable, you can only suggest they give Al-Anon a try. It sounds like the stress and chaos of living with an A is starting to take its toll on them. If they want to continue what they're doing, then that's their choice. Just as you have to let your sister continue to drink, you have to let your parents continue to make the decisions their making.
I'm sure this hurts you a great deal, but all we can do is take care of ourselves and allow others the dignity to choose to do so or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR. There is so much valuable information in this forum - have you checked out the "Sticky" posts yet at the top of the forum? If you haven't, I highly recommend them.
As for your sister - well, I think I'd ask a very close and reliable friend or other family member to be in my wedding if I were you. It is not selfish of you to not want her to ruin your day. It's quite common to have alcoholics ruin special events - and sometimes stealing the spotlight. You have every reason to be concerned. I definately agree that you need to ask someone else.
As for your parents - it's unfortunate that they are allowing your sister to treat them this way. Many people enable without even realizing that they are causing more damage in the long run. Many of us here at SR have experienced that as well - it took a lot of giving and hurting and education before we realized that we were enabling and making things worse.
I can't imagine what it must be like to be a parent of an A - and hope to never know firsthand. However, I can only imagine that for a parent - it's hard to let go and allow their child to fall. In that scenario, I imagine that your parents will continue to enable your sister to live the lifestyle that she is living. While I understand your concern for your parents, I also understand your frustrations. But I remember well how I refused to see the truth about my xah - until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and finally had to face reality and accept it. It was hard. Until your parents reach that point though of wanting to change their role in the situation - it will probably continue.
Take care of you - allow others to make their own choices. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you sure can't cure it. You can only change your role in the situation.
Hope you stick around and share your journey with us.
As for your sister - well, I think I'd ask a very close and reliable friend or other family member to be in my wedding if I were you. It is not selfish of you to not want her to ruin your day. It's quite common to have alcoholics ruin special events - and sometimes stealing the spotlight. You have every reason to be concerned. I definately agree that you need to ask someone else.
As for your parents - it's unfortunate that they are allowing your sister to treat them this way. Many people enable without even realizing that they are causing more damage in the long run. Many of us here at SR have experienced that as well - it took a lot of giving and hurting and education before we realized that we were enabling and making things worse.
I can't imagine what it must be like to be a parent of an A - and hope to never know firsthand. However, I can only imagine that for a parent - it's hard to let go and allow their child to fall. In that scenario, I imagine that your parents will continue to enable your sister to live the lifestyle that she is living. While I understand your concern for your parents, I also understand your frustrations. But I remember well how I refused to see the truth about my xah - until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and finally had to face reality and accept it. It was hard. Until your parents reach that point though of wanting to change their role in the situation - it will probably continue.
Take care of you - allow others to make their own choices. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you sure can't cure it. You can only change your role in the situation.
Hope you stick around and share your journey with us.
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Thank you everyone
Hi everyone,
thank you so much for your comments and advice; they are all very helpful. I've decided to ask my sister-in-law to be my attendant instead and to let my sister know that because of her drinking, I don't think she is in the right place to be in the wedding, and neither of us need that pressure (she is incredibly shy, which is one of the reasons she drinks--at least, according to her it is).
As for my parents...I think I can't relate entirely since I've never been a parent; I just feel really bad for them because I lived with my sister for a few years and I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is to live with an alcoholic--to sit them up in bed so they won't choke on their own vomit, to rush them to the hospital, to call in sick to work for them--after we ceased being roommates I made the decision that I would not enable her to drink anymore. I still feel guilty and angry about it, but I can't help her. Only she can help herself.
I will recommend this site to my mom...the very sad thing is that my parents have been through this all before--with my oldest brother; he was a drug addict / alcoholic for MANY years--in and out of jail, too--and my parents finally stopped trying to take care of him...they let him reap the consequences for his actions...and it finally worked. He is now clean, sober, and married with a newborn daughter. He's committed to staying sober and goes to AA meetings regularly. So in short I think my parents know that they will have to let go of her....but because she's a girl and not a guy they have a problem with that (I think...a bit of a gender bias)....and she's very petite and they perceive her as being "fragile".
I just feel very saddened by this all; I don't think I'll ever really know the sister I used to know again. I think she is trying to slowly kill herself by drinking.
But anyway...thank you all for the advice; when I see how many other people are going through this, I don't feel so frustrated.
thank you so much for your comments and advice; they are all very helpful. I've decided to ask my sister-in-law to be my attendant instead and to let my sister know that because of her drinking, I don't think she is in the right place to be in the wedding, and neither of us need that pressure (she is incredibly shy, which is one of the reasons she drinks--at least, according to her it is).
As for my parents...I think I can't relate entirely since I've never been a parent; I just feel really bad for them because I lived with my sister for a few years and I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is to live with an alcoholic--to sit them up in bed so they won't choke on their own vomit, to rush them to the hospital, to call in sick to work for them--after we ceased being roommates I made the decision that I would not enable her to drink anymore. I still feel guilty and angry about it, but I can't help her. Only she can help herself.
I will recommend this site to my mom...the very sad thing is that my parents have been through this all before--with my oldest brother; he was a drug addict / alcoholic for MANY years--in and out of jail, too--and my parents finally stopped trying to take care of him...they let him reap the consequences for his actions...and it finally worked. He is now clean, sober, and married with a newborn daughter. He's committed to staying sober and goes to AA meetings regularly. So in short I think my parents know that they will have to let go of her....but because she's a girl and not a guy they have a problem with that (I think...a bit of a gender bias)....and she's very petite and they perceive her as being "fragile".
I just feel very saddened by this all; I don't think I'll ever really know the sister I used to know again. I think she is trying to slowly kill herself by drinking.
But anyway...thank you all for the advice; when I see how many other people are going through this, I don't feel so frustrated.
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Al Anon....yes, a good idea
Yes, I'm considering Al Anon, and my mom is, too. Apparently my sister was taken to AA last night by my dad, and she found it more relevant than she had expected. She is also apparently going to join a daily program...but it seems more to be on my parents' insistence than my sister's decision...
My sister has "started over" SO MANY TIMES that I can't help but feel cynical...she always starts these programs out with the best of intentions but goes back to drinking after a few meetings.
I think my brother has talked to her before about her drinking, but she didn't listen. Maybe he can try again; who knows....
I haven't breached the wedding issue yet, but was thinking of writing her a letter and explaining how I feel and why I believe it's best for her to not be in the wedding.
But I like this forum; thank you everyone for your advice; it's nice to know that I'm not alone.
My sister has "started over" SO MANY TIMES that I can't help but feel cynical...she always starts these programs out with the best of intentions but goes back to drinking after a few meetings.
I think my brother has talked to her before about her drinking, but she didn't listen. Maybe he can try again; who knows....
I haven't breached the wedding issue yet, but was thinking of writing her a letter and explaining how I feel and why I believe it's best for her to not be in the wedding.
But I like this forum; thank you everyone for your advice; it's nice to know that I'm not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Originally Posted by really_fed_up 
As for my parents...I think I can't relate entirely since I've never been a parent; I just feel really bad for them because I lived with my sister for a few years and I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is to live with an alcoholic--to sit them up in bed so they won't choke on their own vomit, to rush them to the hospital, to call in sick to work for them--after we ceased being roommates I made the decision that I would not enable her to drink anymore. I still feel guilty and angry about it, but I can't help her. Only she can help herself.
I will recommend this site to my mom...the very sad thing is that my parents have been through this all before--with my oldest brother; he was a drug addict / alcoholic for MANY years--in and out of jail, too--and my parents finally stopped trying to take care of him...they let him reap the consequences for his actions...and it finally worked. He is now clean, sober, and married with a newborn daughter. He's committed to staying sober and goes to AA meetings regularly. So in short I think my parents know that they will have to let go of her....but because she's a girl and not a guy they have a problem with that (I think...a bit of a gender bias)....and she's very petite and they perceive her as being "fragile".
I will recommend this site to my mom...the very sad thing is that my parents have been through this all before--with my oldest brother; he was a drug addict / alcoholic for MANY years--in and out of jail, too--and my parents finally stopped trying to take care of him...they let him reap the consequences for his actions...and it finally worked. He is now clean, sober, and married with a newborn daughter. He's committed to staying sober and goes to AA meetings regularly. So in short I think my parents know that they will have to let go of her....but because she's a girl and not a guy they have a problem with that (I think...a bit of a gender bias)....and she's very petite and they perceive her as being "fragile".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Heather 22,
Since this thread is several years old, many of the posters on this one have most likely moved on. Since you want feedback about your own situation, I would suggest starting your own thread - just copy and paste the relevant stuff.
That said, your situation sounds too familiar. You are in good company and SR is a wonderful place.
Since this thread is several years old, many of the posters on this one have most likely moved on. Since you want feedback about your own situation, I would suggest starting your own thread - just copy and paste the relevant stuff.
That said, your situation sounds too familiar. You are in good company and SR is a wonderful place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I created a new thread for Heather22 over here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...77-nephew.html (Nephew)
Mike
Moderator SR
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...77-nephew.html (Nephew)
Mike
Moderator SR
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker
Did you see the movie "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock which portrays your situation with a wedding, sister as maid of honor ? Rent it if you haven't seen it.
If you know your sister can't handle the role, don't put her in it. The maid of honor is suppose to support you on this special day. Maybe you should choose someone who you know can do that. Take care of yourself and make the wedding a day you don't have to be concerned w/ your sis's behavior. Acceptance of her capabilities + disease. I understand the loss you feel. This disease has hijacked the sister you had.
If you know your sister can't handle the role, don't put her in it. The maid of honor is suppose to support you on this special day. Maybe you should choose someone who you know can do that. Take care of yourself and make the wedding a day you don't have to be concerned w/ your sis's behavior. Acceptance of her capabilities + disease. I understand the loss you feel. This disease has hijacked the sister you had.
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