Starting over
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tennessee
Posts: 592
I couldn't to much history. However we did build on what we had and hope we still can.We were both happy once maybe we will be agin.It takes lots of work on both parts.I had few years before I went back so I really cant be trusted at any time in my soberity.I dont know why my wife is still here if shoe was on other foot I'd long been gone.I went on vacation with family last week an she said she could watch me keep me from hanging out with bad elements just cant make her understand it's me and I'm only one that can make me drink.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Good question.
My experience is actually kind of different than most of yours.
I'm, a recovering alkie, with just 9 months. But it's been a solid 9 months. I've "Done the Deal" and "Got with the Program" so to say.
My Ex told me to get the *** out 4 years ago. I was mid stage then, and the worst was yet to come. At the time, she was seeing our next door neighbor on the sly. She moved him in about 15 minutes after I left, and eventually ran away out of state with him. Ironically, she left me with my 2 beautiful teenage daughers. (Well, 15 and 20)
Anyway, my 4th, 5th, 8th and 9th steps have removed any resentment leading up to the point I left, as I know I was 100% responsible for my 50% percent of that mess. But, she's still the same woman, with the same problems. She's not an alkie, but definitely has an -ism of some sort.
I pray for her for the same things that I want. I hope she finds recovery.
That said, If she did find recovery, I guess the question is, would I still want a woman that had been sleeping in another mans bed for 4-5 years ? That hasn't called her children or never sees them ? That's never sent me a dime ? I accept these facts, because they "just are", but could I forgive them to the point to let her back in my life ?
Honestly, I don't know.
My experience is actually kind of different than most of yours.
I'm, a recovering alkie, with just 9 months. But it's been a solid 9 months. I've "Done the Deal" and "Got with the Program" so to say.
My Ex told me to get the *** out 4 years ago. I was mid stage then, and the worst was yet to come. At the time, she was seeing our next door neighbor on the sly. She moved him in about 15 minutes after I left, and eventually ran away out of state with him. Ironically, she left me with my 2 beautiful teenage daughers. (Well, 15 and 20)
Anyway, my 4th, 5th, 8th and 9th steps have removed any resentment leading up to the point I left, as I know I was 100% responsible for my 50% percent of that mess. But, she's still the same woman, with the same problems. She's not an alkie, but definitely has an -ism of some sort.
I pray for her for the same things that I want. I hope she finds recovery.
That said, If she did find recovery, I guess the question is, would I still want a woman that had been sleeping in another mans bed for 4-5 years ? That hasn't called her children or never sees them ? That's never sent me a dime ? I accept these facts, because they "just are", but could I forgive them to the point to let her back in my life ?
Honestly, I don't know.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I am sure it is possible. Indeed, there have been posters on here who have achieved happy and productive relationships in recovery.
I couldn't do it, though. Far too much water under the bridge and fences to be mended - I try and make my life a bit simpler than that. I believe people get together for a reason and there is no guarantee that those reasons are still there in recovery (and in the main, I would hope not!). I do believe that new reasons can be found, although I would suggest that it would require both parties to have a long, hard look at the dynamics of what went before and be at peace with the past. Recovery is not just for the drinker.
I couldn't do it, though. Far too much water under the bridge and fences to be mended - I try and make my life a bit simpler than that. I believe people get together for a reason and there is no guarantee that those reasons are still there in recovery (and in the main, I would hope not!). I do believe that new reasons can be found, although I would suggest that it would require both parties to have a long, hard look at the dynamics of what went before and be at peace with the past. Recovery is not just for the drinker.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i also am able to forgive but not forget quite as easily.
in my relationship, my A relapsed after a year and continues to drink now. i'd be afraid after another year of sobriety, the same thing could happen. or 5 years from now. or 10. i don't want to live a life of dread and fear.
too much has happened for me to want to get back together with my ex. a year isn't going to make me forget everything that happened or be naive enough to think it won't happen again at some point.
in my relationship, my A relapsed after a year and continues to drink now. i'd be afraid after another year of sobriety, the same thing could happen. or 5 years from now. or 10. i don't want to live a life of dread and fear.
too much has happened for me to want to get back together with my ex. a year isn't going to make me forget everything that happened or be naive enough to think it won't happen again at some point.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Well, being the eternal optimist (LOL!!!!!!), I'd say miracles happen ... We change and grow in our own recovery, as does the A. Sometimes we grow together, sometimes we wake up and realize we've grown in different directions.
Just my own experience speaking, but AH is an emotional trainwreck even when not drinking, so I decided to cut my losses. Absent a miracle - or about a zillion years of heavy-duty counseling combined w/AA - I don't see him returning from the "dead."
Just my own experience speaking, but AH is an emotional trainwreck even when not drinking, so I decided to cut my losses. Absent a miracle - or about a zillion years of heavy-duty counseling combined w/AA - I don't see him returning from the "dead."
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I believe that it's possible. I believe that with each person seeking recovery and working an active program of their choosing, and continuing to grow as a person, I believe that it's possible to re-connect and end up having a wonderful life together.
However...that being said, I'm also realistic enough to know that it takes a lot of dedication, work, and so much more to make that a reality. And I believe that it doesn't happen more than it actually happens.
For me, I'd have to say that if my xah found himself someday sober - and even was everything that I ever wanted and hoped he'd be, I wouldn't be able to go back. There is too much history and too much happened and I won't put myself back in that situation again. However - that is coming from MY situation. And alot of years that were not happy fulfilling ones.
No one can give you answers as we can't see in the future. No one really knows how you and your A feel - about yourselves or each other. And there are no guarantees about anything in this life so, I guess it really just comes down to the two of you in this relationship/situation.
I wish you well, and the very best if that is what you want and it really comes out the way that we all wish/wished that it could - but I hope you'll be realistic - and keep working your own program. It would be really tough.
However...that being said, I'm also realistic enough to know that it takes a lot of dedication, work, and so much more to make that a reality. And I believe that it doesn't happen more than it actually happens.
For me, I'd have to say that if my xah found himself someday sober - and even was everything that I ever wanted and hoped he'd be, I wouldn't be able to go back. There is too much history and too much happened and I won't put myself back in that situation again. However - that is coming from MY situation. And alot of years that were not happy fulfilling ones.
No one can give you answers as we can't see in the future. No one really knows how you and your A feel - about yourselves or each other. And there are no guarantees about anything in this life so, I guess it really just comes down to the two of you in this relationship/situation.
I wish you well, and the very best if that is what you want and it really comes out the way that we all wish/wished that it could - but I hope you'll be realistic - and keep working your own program. It would be really tough.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
I believe it's possible, but in my relationship I now know that it wasn't just my ex's use of alcohol that affected me. Now I know that I deserve more to share with a partner than I was getting.
I really think alcohol is not always the only problem. Through much self-reflection, I know my part wasn't helpful either.
I really think alcohol is not always the only problem. Through much self-reflection, I know my part wasn't helpful either.
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