respektingme

Someone who has been through this told me that slips are expected. AH was feeling empowered with 3 weeks of sobriety, so he "tested" himself to see if he could have just one. Obviously he couldn't. But this person said it's a sign of hope because he just learned a valuable lesson. She said he's beating himself up today. He hasn't tried to call me and I took the kids with me to a hotel yesterday. We're still there. He doesn't know where we are.

I don't know what to expect when we get home. I'm assuming he's going to be full of gloom and doom since he blew it? I know what my plan is, to not humiliate him, to not make it worse, to not attack. I would really like to just go home and spend some peaceful time in my own house.

What should I expect? What is he thinking? Will he be on the attack? He said he understood why I was leaving, because he brought it on himself. But I don't understand why he hasn't called. I am fearing the worse when I get home, although the rational side of me thinks I'm creating more worry for myself than I need to.

What if he's suicidal? What should I do? What did the slip mean? Is this normal during the recovery stage? I admit I'm disappointed as hell. But if it helps him realize he's an alcoholic, and it's out of his control, than I'm willing to appreciate the good out of this situation instead of dwelling on the bad.

Pick-a-name

Hi; my AH never actually tried to stop,so I am of no help. Your attitude sounds good,IMHO and I can not blame you for wanting to be in your own home;kids,too.

As for if he is suicidal;from time to time people on here have had to deal with it and most suggest that if he threatens that,to call 911. That sounds reasonable to me. Help from people who can give him the help,if he is serious and will stop that kind of manipulation,if he is just doing that to scare you. Either way it seems it would be another wake-up call about his need for some professional help,IMHO. I am sure others will be along that have more experience in this and will be able to shed some more light on the situation.

Best of luck to you all and I hope your day has less drama than you fear.

Keep us posted how you are doing.

laurie6781

Call 911 as said above. If its a 'manipulation' tactic he will soon cease and desist.

He still wants to drink, drink is still calling him, he's not ready yet.

Yes and no. Some never relapse, some do. Not a damn thing you can do about it.

Maybe, just maybe, it's time for you to set some boundaries that you can stick by, in other words 'say what you mean and mean what you say,' as in:

"If you drink, you leave this house and do not return, you can no longer make life a living hell for me and the children."

Before you can do that, you will have to sit down with you, and decide exactly what behavior you can and cannot LIVE WITH. That is where your boundaries will come from. Also, you have to fully understand that these boundaries are for YOU AND THE CHILDREN, they cannot be made in expectation of 'helping him get to his bottom.' They are strictly for the peace and serenity of you and the children.

Please remember the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

No, and he probably won't, he is either still drinking or drunk (alcohol at this stage of the game IS HIS FIRST LOVE) or he is coming down, feeling ill and guilty.

I know it's not easy, however, there is nothing wrong with walking back into the house and as soon as he opens his mouth, just hold up your hand in a stop motion and say "I don't want to hear it, it's not my problem it's yours." And go on about your business around the house. You can do that anytime he starts to say anything. If he starts to rant and become verbally abusive, pick up the phone and call 911 tell them he is getting abusive and you want him removed before he hurts you or the children.

It is your home and your childrens home also, and you have the right to a serene and peaceful home.

I do believe it is time for you to STAY OUT OF HIS RECOVERY or lack of it and work ON YOUR OWN.

Have you attended or are you attending Alanon, or getting some private therapy? Are the children getting some therapy? Alcoholism affects them greatly also!

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!!!!

Love and hugs,

GlassPrisoner

Relapse is optional. It's not a part of recovery. Some have to do it though, so they can see that they truely are powerless, and to gain some more of that tastey humble pie. Some, as Laurie stated, just aren't ready to quit.

I've never believed one can accidently get drunk, though. And, the danger is a "slip" can turn into a bender. I firmly believe that if I go back out, I may never return.

minnie

Wow, what a lot of questions about him! How on earth are we supposed to know the answers to them?! And I wonder how your friend knows the answers either - your husband is an individual and none of us know how he is feeling without him saying himself. I am always wary of making assumptions now - I have had my fingers burned way to often by assuming way wrong.

He is who he is and he will act how he acts. It is how YOU act and respond that is important for you and the kids. Setting boundaries is the cornerstone of my recovery - here's a useful link from the stickies http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

I slip all the time in my (non-drinking) recovery. Doesn't mean that anyone around me can't set boundaries at those times. Equally, they are perfectly entitled to say/think "I can't handle the fact that you keep having these slips, so I have to back off here". And perhaps they might leave my life for good because of my slips. That is their perogative. I hope they wouldn't, but I have no control over someone else - I can only keep doing the best I can with the tools I have at my disposal.

As the others have said - if he is suicidal then the best option is to call 911. If it was a bluff, he is unlikely to call yours again. If it wasn't, then he'll get the help he needs. Has he given any indication of being suicidal previously?

This is a fabulous piece if advice from Laurie. Detachment in a nutshell.

Good luck, hon. I know it's tough, but you have a lot of people alongside you, even if it is virtually.