Alcoholic bil and the enabling family....
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Alcoholic bil and the enabling family....
I am new and hope this is in the right place. Heck I'm not even sure where to begin on this one. But I am at my wits end with this situation. While my dh is an ah, he is in a bit more control than bil. I make no excuses for my ah, but when bil is around one's drinking behavior feeds off of the other. I'll writing a seperate post about ah.
My bil is an alcoholic and drug abuser. He is 35 years old and dh and I are 30, but acts like he is a teenager. Background includes but not limited to no liscense since age 16, to date 8 DUI's, various drug charges, a 2 year prison stint for B&E, domestic violence with 2 of his girlfriends. He was in prison when dh and I got together. Well lets just say I wish he had stayed. This world is not safe with him in public. He will drink and drive or drugs and drive. The only way that he stays sober is when he is in a controlled environment. To him life is a party and the rest of the world is expected to be his entertainment. He is a daily drinker. If you ask him not to or to slow down he gets defensive and claims to only be trying to have a good time.
His behavior has been affecting my kids from the time my son was a baby. He has shown up in the middle of the night running from the police. I was washing my hands after changing the baby when he knocked on the bathroom window. I was livid that he came to my house to hide out knowing he had warrants. I'm not willing to put my kid in jeopardy to hide him, and I made that loud and clear. Fell of deaf ears. I also have a daughter that he has yet to buy anything for, but gets things for my son. I know he doesnt have to buy them anything, but I'm not gonna have him starting stuff like that. I'd rather he not buy anything at all. He also likes to promise my son all sorts of things that he NEVER follows through with.
On to my mil and fil... I will say that they are nice people, but a bit dilusional in their views. What fil believes, mil agrees with no matter what. Fil has this belief that women should be silent about their opinions. Well I hold nothing back so we tend to disagree alot. In the case of bil, my ah, fil and mil all go out of their way to make sure what bil wants he gets. If bil needs money his parents give it to him. If he needs a place to go to drink (his parents dont drink and wont let him drink there) ah lets him come to our house. But I REFUSE to let him sleep in the house, so he sleeps in the camper. So my kids see his out of control ways of slurringly screaming and discussions not fit for kids. If he happens to drive himself somewhere and is drunk, his parents drop everything to go get him so hes doesnt have to drive. Good he's not on the road, but enabling none the less. His parents have also maxed their credit cards and possibly have put their house for collateral to get him lawyers and get him out of jail.
Everything came to a boiling point the week before last and tonight. I had to go have a mammogram done one Friday and had also had complications with my asthma. When I got hom from the mammogram, bil called and wanted to come over until a friend got home. Well turns out the friend bailed. Having had the emotional day I did, I wanted him to leave. But ah didnt want him to go back to his parents because he was fighting with fil. So I was stuck. When they got good and drunk and ran out of beer, bil badgered me to go get them more beer and cigarettes. I said no that I was not worried about someones nic fit when I can barely breath myself. Also told him I didn't want him staying. Bil tells ah that I made him wish that he was dead. Talk about some manipulation. Ah believed it. SO bil decides to leave and wants me to take him again I say no. SO ah's friend takes him, but ah didn't want him to have to go alone so he rode along. Now I'm the bad guy left home by myself, with 2 kids, and breathing trouble. All because bil wanted to leave and ah felt bad for someone else having to take him.
Tonight pushed me over the edge. I have a trash can that was nasty in the bottom where something leaked. I dumped a bit of bleach in there to soak. I hear bil opening up the refridgerator and cabinets. Knowing he was drunk I decided to investigate. As I'm walking into the kitchen he is working his way around the kitchen sniffing like a dog. When I ask what he is doing, he proceeds to tell me that he smells wiskey and is looking for it. Well we don't drink wiskey, ah included. But bil accused me of lying to hide it. So I get him a straw and the trash can and tell him if he really needs what ever is smelling like wiskey that bad then here you go. Drink up! I may not have thought twice about it, but my son managed to witness the incident. Luckily for me he went back outside to bed. But I am done. He is not my kid and Im not catering to him. I try to set limits when he comes over so my kids are not in the presence of the behavior, but I still end up the bad guy to the family for not being "pro family" Fil takes bil's side. Mil just sit back and sympathizes saying "Weeeeellllll I Know he needs to quit." Ah tries to keep neutral between me and bil, but usually sides with bil more. I dont know what to do any more. I'd appreciate any thought or help. I'f you have read this far THANK YOU!
My bil is an alcoholic and drug abuser. He is 35 years old and dh and I are 30, but acts like he is a teenager. Background includes but not limited to no liscense since age 16, to date 8 DUI's, various drug charges, a 2 year prison stint for B&E, domestic violence with 2 of his girlfriends. He was in prison when dh and I got together. Well lets just say I wish he had stayed. This world is not safe with him in public. He will drink and drive or drugs and drive. The only way that he stays sober is when he is in a controlled environment. To him life is a party and the rest of the world is expected to be his entertainment. He is a daily drinker. If you ask him not to or to slow down he gets defensive and claims to only be trying to have a good time.
His behavior has been affecting my kids from the time my son was a baby. He has shown up in the middle of the night running from the police. I was washing my hands after changing the baby when he knocked on the bathroom window. I was livid that he came to my house to hide out knowing he had warrants. I'm not willing to put my kid in jeopardy to hide him, and I made that loud and clear. Fell of deaf ears. I also have a daughter that he has yet to buy anything for, but gets things for my son. I know he doesnt have to buy them anything, but I'm not gonna have him starting stuff like that. I'd rather he not buy anything at all. He also likes to promise my son all sorts of things that he NEVER follows through with.
On to my mil and fil... I will say that they are nice people, but a bit dilusional in their views. What fil believes, mil agrees with no matter what. Fil has this belief that women should be silent about their opinions. Well I hold nothing back so we tend to disagree alot. In the case of bil, my ah, fil and mil all go out of their way to make sure what bil wants he gets. If bil needs money his parents give it to him. If he needs a place to go to drink (his parents dont drink and wont let him drink there) ah lets him come to our house. But I REFUSE to let him sleep in the house, so he sleeps in the camper. So my kids see his out of control ways of slurringly screaming and discussions not fit for kids. If he happens to drive himself somewhere and is drunk, his parents drop everything to go get him so hes doesnt have to drive. Good he's not on the road, but enabling none the less. His parents have also maxed their credit cards and possibly have put their house for collateral to get him lawyers and get him out of jail.
Everything came to a boiling point the week before last and tonight. I had to go have a mammogram done one Friday and had also had complications with my asthma. When I got hom from the mammogram, bil called and wanted to come over until a friend got home. Well turns out the friend bailed. Having had the emotional day I did, I wanted him to leave. But ah didnt want him to go back to his parents because he was fighting with fil. So I was stuck. When they got good and drunk and ran out of beer, bil badgered me to go get them more beer and cigarettes. I said no that I was not worried about someones nic fit when I can barely breath myself. Also told him I didn't want him staying. Bil tells ah that I made him wish that he was dead. Talk about some manipulation. Ah believed it. SO bil decides to leave and wants me to take him again I say no. SO ah's friend takes him, but ah didn't want him to have to go alone so he rode along. Now I'm the bad guy left home by myself, with 2 kids, and breathing trouble. All because bil wanted to leave and ah felt bad for someone else having to take him.
Tonight pushed me over the edge. I have a trash can that was nasty in the bottom where something leaked. I dumped a bit of bleach in there to soak. I hear bil opening up the refridgerator and cabinets. Knowing he was drunk I decided to investigate. As I'm walking into the kitchen he is working his way around the kitchen sniffing like a dog. When I ask what he is doing, he proceeds to tell me that he smells wiskey and is looking for it. Well we don't drink wiskey, ah included. But bil accused me of lying to hide it. So I get him a straw and the trash can and tell him if he really needs what ever is smelling like wiskey that bad then here you go. Drink up! I may not have thought twice about it, but my son managed to witness the incident. Luckily for me he went back outside to bed. But I am done. He is not my kid and Im not catering to him. I try to set limits when he comes over so my kids are not in the presence of the behavior, but I still end up the bad guy to the family for not being "pro family" Fil takes bil's side. Mil just sit back and sympathizes saying "Weeeeellllll I Know he needs to quit." Ah tries to keep neutral between me and bil, but usually sides with bil more. I dont know what to do any more. I'd appreciate any thought or help. I'f you have read this far THANK YOU!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wisconsin
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I'm sorry, wish. Your IL's sound just like mine. And I'm in the same boat...I guess I'm not "pro family" either, so that makes ME the bad guy too. The more I read here, the more I realize that I am not alone in this fight. You are not alone...there is help. Have you gone to alanon yet? I went to my first meeting several weeks back and when I walked out of there I felt sooo empowered. All we can do is take care of ourselves FIRST. It is a hard concept to grasp when you are in the midst of it all, but it is sooo true.
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