ARealLady

Pineapple....I am that person too and I guess every other person in a relationship with an addict believes he/she will "save" the addict through positive and supportive actions. And that so-called "positive and supportive" behaviour is also known as CO-DEPENDENCY. I haven't read all of this thread but a book which I highly recommend to you is Melody Beattie's "Co-dependent No More" where she explains why it does YOU no good to be in a relationship with an active addict.

If anything, your BF has understood that he is not good relationship material right now. Beattie also says in her sequel "Beyond Co-dependency" that it is unwise to be in a relationship with an addict until he/she has maintained sobriety for at least a year. The more I read on this forum and especially on the Alcoholism board the more I understand why this "one year" rule. I encourage you to read the posts on those boards because they allow you insight into what the recovering alcoholic is thinking and feeling. There was a thread on this board recently which commented on the fact that recovering As really say nothing about their SOs, spouses or partners during the intial stages of recovery. I guess that's because the newly sober A has to learn about having a relationship with him/herself. Makes sense!

ARL

pineapple2007

that is exactly what i did. I was upset.. sad/depressed... for a bit i didnt cry much. i was really focused on the vacation, i also dug myself into work aswell, and i had builtup tension + energy that needed to come out so i had urges all the time to bike ride. my feeling were not repressed, but it wasnt my main focus, there were bigger and better things to think about (Vacationing in Cancun Mexico!). and also when he initially broke up with me he didnt explain so much of what he was going through.. so i was just left guessing and that guessing ended after a short while.

i suppose it is harder now because he has recently (tuesday) explained everything he is going through throughly until i looked like I understood that day. and i suppose that is hurting me too but i gotta get over that. I hope this anger melts away quickly aswell.

so I guess i have lots of work to do. mainly on me controling my thoughts right now. and thats the bottom line..............

Rella927

Try to control how you "react" to things-
Reaction is key

ARealLady

Another book I recommend when I see this type of question....The Road Less Travelled by M.Scott Peck. Once you focus on your own happiness, you understand you can't control another person's happiness and you stop asking the question.

ARL

pineapple2007

ya i really have to knock that into my brain. ........ thank u so much..

pineapple2007

thank u all. honestly. I was trying so hard to get people to reply to my ******** life story and noone would (on that other board).

It feels good to know i am getting support from people who have been through/understand my situation and alcoholism.
I am so grateful for this wonderful place. I am a little embarrassed though. because u all have been through it...and i am here in it!

and (((((((((((Rella)))))))))), thanks so much for that link. that is really going to help me! I think sunday i will take a trip to the book store. i have heard of the book co dependency no more... i even looked through it (breifly), so i know what it looks like... i am eger to get to the book store now... !

Live

I am reading it again for the umpteenth time...and am with a wonderful husband now who does not have substance abuse problems. But I am still stuck with me.
I am working most on not letting my feelings rule how I act or what I do.
For instance I may feel like the slime of the earth, but I don't have to just sit here to do that, I can still go grocery shopping and etc....and I make be looking pretty gnarly too LOL but it gets it done and usually accidentally removes some of the slime.

I can understand how you were much better off before the long explanation. YUK

baggervance

I dont think there is but one person here who thinks you have a ******** life story and it's you.Stories help other people recover.through your pain we see ourselves and it helps or at least is it helps me.Thanks for sharing.

pineapple2007

thanks again. I will check out the book, seriously this time.

hi baggervance.. ur still awake? thanks for ur support.. everyone.... i really need to get back to me.. back to me, back to me... its all about *pounds keyboard keys* ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

pineapple2007

thanks for ur understanding on that one ^^^^...

baggervance

I'm awake,on vacation familys at disney world toooooooooooooo many people for me so I'm just waiting up for them.

pineapple2007

I actually read the book "Women who Love To Much" a few times.. that book helped me.... that was before the A-boyfriend.... :s

pineapple2007

ur on vacation right now? ur in disney world? or ur family is there and u are at home?

baggervance

No I'm with them in orlando just not at parks daughters are grown up dont need dad with them or so they think one 18 one 14.

pineapple2007

oh... i am forgetting u are / and probably most of u, are in a different time zone than me!

its 11:00 pm here where i live! ...

Live

Well, it sux. You don't want me..you need to recover...but then you come to me and play on my empathy....and with the one person you just hurt by breaking off from...so you could recover apart from that realtionship...and then explain your recovery. BS

Y'know...so yeah, with that....later on I would have wished I'd have not listened, said something smartass and walked off.
Hindsight is 20/20

You'll be in top form very soon! Cause yes, your life is all about YOU! And then YOU get to choose to be with people whom YOU choose.

Live

It's just about 11pm here.

I am about 2 hours south of you right now bagger, I am never to old for rollercoasters! But my back may beg to differ with me later. LOL

baggervance

I rode some kids thought I was too old boy did I show them.Had to stay home today back and neck so sore cant hardly move.SHHHHHH dont tell them kids lol.

Live

ROFLMAO....can't even sneak ice packs?

prodigal

Sorry to briefly hijack your thread, p-apple, but it's only 8:30 here. Arizona - gotta love the "land of the looney." Only state besides Indiana that doesn't go on Savings Time. So, guess what? I can drive 12 miles west into California and they're on a different time zone half the year and the same time zone the other half.

What it boils down to is this - I NEVER know what time it is here or in California. LOL!!!! P.S. - I'm a Bawlmer, Murland "hon" so my clock will FOREVER be on Eastern Time. GO RAVENS!!!!!!