I really really need advice
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Quote hbb: "It's like this....if i let it go in my head than it's really over but if i keep talking about him and tell the stories and the stuff i do know that he will remain in my mind and heart and he's with me. As crazy as it sounds. I just can't let go and free my mind. But i do agree that it can only make me a better person in the long run if he is doing his treatment like he claims he is, then possibly we will both be better."
i am so stuck in this exact thing
i am so stuck in this exact thing
Sav
Join Date: Jul 2007
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Withdrawal/recovery is one of the most destructive things towards a relationship. one of two things usually happens;
1: The person comes through fine, but has "too many bad memories" of that time, and associates the memories with the person they were with.
2: The person does/says terrible things that damage the relationship forever, and they later regret...but the damage is done.
Try to look at this in a positive light. Perhaps he senses the above...and is pushing you away so that he won't damage your relationship any further.
I'm tempted to move out when I go through this myself soom in a few months, for fear of the things I might say/do with my loved ones. Distance myself physically so I don't do something irrepairible. Then, when I'm *stable*, come back.
Perhaps in some months, when his body and mind have stabilized, he'll give you a ring. My advice would be to step back, be supportive and understanding, and be overall "distant". Anything else will put pressure and stess on you both that will just make it worse. Then, when he's feeling better, you can see about hooking up again, or at least being *shudder* friends!!! (I know, kiss of death, but still...)
1: The person comes through fine, but has "too many bad memories" of that time, and associates the memories with the person they were with.
2: The person does/says terrible things that damage the relationship forever, and they later regret...but the damage is done.
Try to look at this in a positive light. Perhaps he senses the above...and is pushing you away so that he won't damage your relationship any further.
I'm tempted to move out when I go through this myself soom in a few months, for fear of the things I might say/do with my loved ones. Distance myself physically so I don't do something irrepairible. Then, when I'm *stable*, come back.
Perhaps in some months, when his body and mind have stabilized, he'll give you a ring. My advice would be to step back, be supportive and understanding, and be overall "distant". Anything else will put pressure and stess on you both that will just make it worse. Then, when he's feeling better, you can see about hooking up again, or at least being *shudder* friends!!! (I know, kiss of death, but still...)
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okay, ladies, ask yourself, really do you think "he" is spending 1/4 of the time you are worrrying about you as you are about him.???????
Go ahead...get mad at me for saying it, I'd call it an improvement.
Said with, well....honesty.
Go ahead...get mad at me for saying it, I'd call it an improvement.
Said with, well....honesty.
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Originally Posted by Sav 
Withdrawal/recovery is one of the most destructive things towards a relationship. one of two things usually happens;
1: The person comes through fine, but has "too many bad memories" of that time, and associates the memories with the person they were with.
2: The person does/says terrible things that damage the relationship forever, and they later regret...but the damage is done.
Try to look at this in a positive light. Perhaps he senses the above...and is pushing you away so that he won't damage your relationship any further.
I'm tempted to move out when I go through this myself soom in a few months, for fear of the things I might say/do with my loved ones. Distance myself physically so I don't do something irrepairible. Then, when I'm *stable*, come back.
Perhaps in some months, when his body and mind have stabilized, he'll give you a ring. My advice would be to step back, be supportive and understanding, and be overall "distant". Anything else will put pressure and stess on you both that will just make it worse. Then, when he's feeling better, you can see about hooking up again, or at least being *shudder* friends!!! (I know, kiss of death, but still...)
1: The person comes through fine, but has "too many bad memories" of that time, and associates the memories with the person they were with.
2: The person does/says terrible things that damage the relationship forever, and they later regret...but the damage is done.
Try to look at this in a positive light. Perhaps he senses the above...and is pushing you away so that he won't damage your relationship any further.
I'm tempted to move out when I go through this myself soom in a few months, for fear of the things I might say/do with my loved ones. Distance myself physically so I don't do something irrepairible. Then, when I'm *stable*, come back.
Perhaps in some months, when his body and mind have stabilized, he'll give you a ring. My advice would be to step back, be supportive and understanding, and be overall "distant". Anything else will put pressure and stess on you both that will just make it worse. Then, when he's feeling better, you can see about hooking up again, or at least being *shudder* friends!!! (I know, kiss of death, but still...)
Sav I love you. because what u just said just held so much truth. during our last meeting he kept saying "u will be ok.... u are so young.... u will meet so many people.. go and do fun things.....I am old, and used... and washed up...messed up in the head, i am no good anymore, dont u see all this bad stuff happening to you? (i think when he said that he was hinting HIM in my life)"
I think part of leaving me is because he feels guilty for the way i am feeling... or he feels someone young like me shouldnt have to deal with someone in his situation.... he really stressed this....................
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but if he gets better.... will he still have those guilt feelings? he always speaks about never being happy.... he is never happy and nothing makes him happy.. like he has this block... (lack of a chem in brain)...
will he be happy when his body and mind have stabilized?
will he be happy when his body and mind have stabilized?
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd
How could anyone know or answer that?????????????
well sorry I even posted that. jeez, if i could delete it i would.. sorry. :s
maybe i was just venting.... holy smokes.
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Okay, pineapple, I'm putting in my two cents here, for what it's worth. Could you post something that doesn't mention him? You don't have to delete anything you post. Liveweyrd gave an opinion. As they say in the rooms, "take what you need and leave the rest."
Addicts obsess. They obsess when they can use or drink, how much, what particular substance, how early in the day, etc. You are obsessing. And, yes, you can control your thoughts. You can control what you say and to whom you say it. Other than that, life is pretty much a crap shoot.
So I'll give you a little of my ES&H: I have been married to TWO alcoholics. Nope, one didn't do it for me, I had to go out and get me a second drunk. I have walked the walk of obsession, anger, rage, frustration, severe depression, going crazy ... you name it, I've done it.
It took me a really long time to give it up. But I finally did. I looked at myself one morning and realized I hadn't cleaned my house in three months, I had gained 30 pounds, I didn't give a rat's a$$ about life. My life was gone - I'd given it all to two addicts. Just like my AH was gone - lost in an alcoholic haze - I, too, was gone. So I crawled back into Al-Anon, got a good counselor, and decided it was time to be able to answer the question: "So what do you think?" I couldn't answer that question for a very long time, but I finally decided I wanted to know who I was and what I thought. My life today is worth living. Just for me.
Addicts obsess. They obsess when they can use or drink, how much, what particular substance, how early in the day, etc. You are obsessing. And, yes, you can control your thoughts. You can control what you say and to whom you say it. Other than that, life is pretty much a crap shoot.
So I'll give you a little of my ES&H: I have been married to TWO alcoholics. Nope, one didn't do it for me, I had to go out and get me a second drunk. I have walked the walk of obsession, anger, rage, frustration, severe depression, going crazy ... you name it, I've done it.
It took me a really long time to give it up. But I finally did. I looked at myself one morning and realized I hadn't cleaned my house in three months, I had gained 30 pounds, I didn't give a rat's a$$ about life. My life was gone - I'd given it all to two addicts. Just like my AH was gone - lost in an alcoholic haze - I, too, was gone. So I crawled back into Al-Anon, got a good counselor, and decided it was time to be able to answer the question: "So what do you think?" I couldn't answer that question for a very long time, but I finally decided I wanted to know who I was and what I thought. My life today is worth living. Just for me.
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ya i hear u. my situation is unique. and the feelings i am feeling are not only about him they are also about the loss of the strong and steady recover period i once had (before the vacation) but it is DAMN HARD TO COPE WITH THESE EMOTIONS ..... that vacation was my #1 acomplishment for the year.. it is the one thing i look towards each year.... because i work damn hard all year (for my $), i am a full time college student working part time paying rent.. and also putting myself through school. and when we boke up it wasnt that bad..because i had the vacation coming up... to look forward to
when i was getting over him like i said the vacation was going to be my kicker to get my 100 steps forward....but it did the EXACT OPPISITE. and i am so angered by this. its just all of this at one time that is so upsetting...knowing i have to start all over again...and why does it feel 200 times WORSE ?!?!?!
when i was getting over him like i said the vacation was going to be my kicker to get my 100 steps forward....but it did the EXACT OPPISITE. and i am so angered by this. its just all of this at one time that is so upsetting...knowing i have to start all over again...and why does it feel 200 times WORSE ?!?!?!
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Originally Posted by prodigal
It took me a really long time to give it up. But I finally did. I looked at myself one morning and realized I hadn't cleaned my house in three months, .
but i cleaned it... i remember when it was clean....its back to gross again...
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I didn't mean to offend. Really. I just meant to get across the total impossibility of that line of thought.
It's hurtful to you to keep stuck in that thinking.
I only know because I spent like forever and a day there. And it was so futile.
Worse than that, it made me sicker and feeling worse than I all ready was.
It's hurtful to you to keep stuck in that thinking.
I only know because I spent like forever and a day there. And it was so futile.
Worse than that, it made me sicker and feeling worse than I all ready was.
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Originally Posted by pineapple2007
my situation is unique.
Take care of YOU and the rest will follow.
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd
I didn't mean to offend. Really. I just meant to get across the total impossibility of that line of thought.
It's hurtful to you to keep stuck in that thinking.
I only know because I spent like forever and a day there. And it was so futile.
Worse than that, it made me sicker and feeling worse than I all ready was.
It's hurtful to you to keep stuck in that thinking.
I only know because I spent like forever and a day there. And it was so futile.
Worse than that, it made me sicker and feeling worse than I all ready was.
well it has been what,...3 days? it is fresh as hell. and it is the first weekend. weekend are the HARDEST. getting this all out is helping...but i kinda know i have to sit in it and ask stupid and irrational questions for a while...before i get pissed and want to pick myself up. true or not true?
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Originally Posted by pineapple2007
and people are talking about even more scary things he is probably going through
this is hurting me so much right now .........
Well, on a good note...he's trying to get sober!
Many never do (like my exAH,who just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage rather than quit drinking; he's not ready yet,I guess) they just go on killing themselves.Sounds like if he gets to feeling bad enough that he can/should get in contact with people who have been there. There are plenty at an AA meeting that are willing and able to help; with REAL help. Babying him will just prolong the misery for you both, I fear. JMHO
p.s.Glad you are here! It's a good place for support!
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when i was getting over him like i said the vacation was going to be my kicker to get my 100 steps forward....but it did the EXACT OPPISITE. and i am so angered by this. its just all of this at one time that is so upsetting...knowing i have to start all over again...and why does it feel 200 times WORSE ?!?!?!
Maybe because if you stuff the emotions they will come up to hurt you again and keep you attached to him, But if you hurt and feel them today while he is away from you... if you can mourn the relationship and get a fresh perspective (after being apart for awhile) you just might find out that you dont want to go back to that. If your right in the middle of the pain you will not be able to make a objective decision.
There is a reason for everything.
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What's true and right for you, may not be true and right for me or anyone else. You have to make that call yourself. I don't think your questions are "stupid" or "irrational." Somewhat obsessive, but you don't strike me as a stupid or irrational person. People are giving their opinions who have walked through the fire and come out the other side, so it's their perspective on your situation that may differ, but I don't think anyone here is trying to hammer you. We've all been in your place at one time or another.
Sorry, but I don't think your situation is unique. I worked as a maid to pay my way through college. I also moonlighted by taking in ironing, babysitting, and working in a department store. I didn't have much, but my car ran and I had a decent apartment. Like Denny said, get into a meeting and you will find that people have had similar life experiences.
Yes, hurtful emotions are difficult to handle. Read some of the other posts here. There are folks who have had partners walk out on them and their kids leaving them holding a mortgage, debts, you name it. It stinks, big time. Weekends stink. I hear your pain. Imagine how I felt after waiting nine months for my husband to come home from Iraq (we'd only been married 5 months when he was sent "downrange") only to find that he had turned into a mean, nasty, rejecting drunk. Oh, he was an alkie prior to leaving, but always on good behavior - quite charming.
I know what it feels like to have the bottom fall out of your life. I've lived it, as I'm sure most people here have too. It's devastating. But it's not unique. We are all individuals who have our own characteristics and reactions to living with addiction, but when it comes down to a lot of the situations we encounter - they are eerily similar.
Do you have some friends you can hook up with for the weekend? I know you feel like crap right now, but if you think being with a friend might help, don't hesitate to reach out. If you want to be alone, that's fine to.
Sorry, but I don't think your situation is unique. I worked as a maid to pay my way through college. I also moonlighted by taking in ironing, babysitting, and working in a department store. I didn't have much, but my car ran and I had a decent apartment. Like Denny said, get into a meeting and you will find that people have had similar life experiences.
Yes, hurtful emotions are difficult to handle. Read some of the other posts here. There are folks who have had partners walk out on them and their kids leaving them holding a mortgage, debts, you name it. It stinks, big time. Weekends stink. I hear your pain. Imagine how I felt after waiting nine months for my husband to come home from Iraq (we'd only been married 5 months when he was sent "downrange") only to find that he had turned into a mean, nasty, rejecting drunk. Oh, he was an alkie prior to leaving, but always on good behavior - quite charming.
I know what it feels like to have the bottom fall out of your life. I've lived it, as I'm sure most people here have too. It's devastating. But it's not unique. We are all individuals who have our own characteristics and reactions to living with addiction, but when it comes down to a lot of the situations we encounter - they are eerily similar.
Do you have some friends you can hook up with for the weekend? I know you feel like crap right now, but if you think being with a friend might help, don't hesitate to reach out. If you want to be alone, that's fine to.
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I don't know about you. I just get depressed...and that's no answer. Sooner or later I get sick and tired of myself being sick and tired.
If your way is faster then I wish I was better at reacing in anger instead of hurt and curling up in a ball.
My anger never lasts long enough.
If your way is faster then I wish I was better at reacing in anger instead of hurt and curling up in a ball.
My anger never lasts long enough.
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Pineapple-
I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much....everyone here is just trying to help with their own stories of their "unique" situations. Some are further along in recovery and some are not but each thing that we have learned can help each and everyone of us in our own way-and if it does not then we leave it.
I know in the start when things were "fresh" with me I felt the same as you do now-and felt as if everyone was attacking me-my counselor especially when in reality the ones that felt like they were attacking me were the ones who actually made alot of sense! It will get easier you just need to go at your own pace-when people are stating about being stuck it is because if even if you were not in this current situation with the AB you might be in it with a fellow student or family member-and with them yes the situation and relationship is different but why would you stay stuck with feelings with them? It is IMHO the same principal-feelings are feelings and staying stuck will not allow for your growth as an individual-
Denny suggested as I know I did as well-to try an Al-Anon meeting or heck even an AA meeting- it is worth a shot! And the other suggestion of C0-Dependent No More! Is an awesome read! I like Live have read umteeth and twenty times! And read Cynays Language of Letting Go Post daily! They are a great mind set for the day to keep you on track of what is important! They will find their own way-we cannot save them!
There was once a member in here who I actually adored-with things she said they were just so on the money-there are alot of SR members like that in here-a few of them are on this thread! Take what you want from them and if you do not then try hard not to feel as if they are jumping down your throat-it is far from their intention-the intention I feel IMHO is that we are all here for our own unique situation but we are here because that situation created some type of chaos within us to seek out some help-we are all here to help each other-not to punish each other as our A's did to us-and we did to ourselves.
This one member has many good threads-you may want to do some more reading-knowledge is good for the brain! Take care of you! "Pamper" yourself-start there and the rest will come one day at a time...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...pamper-me.html
(((BIG HUGS))))
I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much....everyone here is just trying to help with their own stories of their "unique" situations. Some are further along in recovery and some are not but each thing that we have learned can help each and everyone of us in our own way-and if it does not then we leave it.
I know in the start when things were "fresh" with me I felt the same as you do now-and felt as if everyone was attacking me-my counselor especially when in reality the ones that felt like they were attacking me were the ones who actually made alot of sense! It will get easier you just need to go at your own pace-when people are stating about being stuck it is because if even if you were not in this current situation with the AB you might be in it with a fellow student or family member-and with them yes the situation and relationship is different but why would you stay stuck with feelings with them? It is IMHO the same principal-feelings are feelings and staying stuck will not allow for your growth as an individual-
Denny suggested as I know I did as well-to try an Al-Anon meeting or heck even an AA meeting- it is worth a shot! And the other suggestion of C0-Dependent No More! Is an awesome read! I like Live have read umteeth and twenty times! And read Cynays Language of Letting Go Post daily! They are a great mind set for the day to keep you on track of what is important! They will find their own way-we cannot save them!
There was once a member in here who I actually adored-with things she said they were just so on the money-there are alot of SR members like that in here-a few of them are on this thread! Take what you want from them and if you do not then try hard not to feel as if they are jumping down your throat-it is far from their intention-the intention I feel IMHO is that we are all here for our own unique situation but we are here because that situation created some type of chaos within us to seek out some help-we are all here to help each other-not to punish each other as our A's did to us-and we did to ourselves.
This one member has many good threads-you may want to do some more reading-knowledge is good for the brain! Take care of you! "Pamper" yourself-start there and the rest will come one day at a time...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...pamper-me.html
(((BIG HUGS))))
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