went to court today ...
 

It was awful .. absolutely horrible ..
We got there at 8:30 , didnt get called to see judge until 2:30 . That means 6 hrs of ah staring me down frm the other side of the room .

When we saw judge he asked me what happened that I had temp restraint . I first told him that ah was a very loving husband and father , when he wasnt drunk . On July 7th I came home from work and knew from looking at him he had been drinking . I know his look because he has been in 5 rehabs in 14 months . He fought with me upstairs , I went down the stairs , he kicked a couple of laundry baskets behind me and they made a lot of noise because they hit the hard wood floors , I went down a second set of stairs and my son was in that room and asked if I was okay . I told him I was and kept going to the kitchen .. Ah followed me yelling and broke one of my sons toys in my direction . He then drank a bottle of nyquil and passed out . when he came too the next morning at 10 I asked him to leave and he refused . I packed up our 4 kids and left . The following Thursday ah called to tell me he was going to kill himself , I called the police , they took him to hosp , I came home .

Then ah got a chance to speak .. he said that the 5 times he was in rehab were voluntary and that he was indeed an alcoholic . He also said he would never put his family in danger .

The judge said .. oh yes you will , and you did .

He granted the perm restraint and ordered ah to alcohol evaluation and either in or out patient treatment , which ever was recommended . He also has supervised visitation on Saturdays while Im at work with either his mother or one of two cousins .

At this point ah is about to lose it and is saying things to me under his breath that the judge could not hear like 'I hope ur f'ing happy now' or 'oh thats just f'ing great' . I turned my whole body away from him (we were only about 6 feet apart)
The officer in court finally noticed and came to stand between us . I was grateful .
When it was over the same officer told ah to leave the room and me to go to the back of the courthouse and wait there . I sat in the last row (very small room) . The door to enter the courtroom was in front of this row and there was a glass window . Ah stood outside that window and yelled at me .. 'are you happy now you f'ing b!tch' 'F u you f'ing b!tch' 'I cant believe you are doing this to me, FU' .. I sat in the last row of seats . facing the wall and cowering like a dog . I was hiding my face and trying to get the attention of the officer in the front of the room . ah continued screaming at me 'you cant even look at me you b!tch' I finally got the attention of the officer and his face turned as he ran out the door to the room ah was sitting in .

A few minutes later he came back and motioned to me to follow him . I did and ah was gone . He told me to wait about 5 mins and then I could leave .... I wasnt really ok with this but instead of speaking up I did what I was told ... BIG mistake .

When I was on my way to the parking lot I was nervous as can be . I was truly scared that ah was following me . The closer I got to my car , the more scared I was . When I saw my car I thought I noticed a shadow or a flash of light or something through the windows . I looked again and sure enough , it was him .
He started screaming at me from about 10 ft away .. every other word was a curse . All I could do was turn my back to him , cover my ears , and cry like a baby ..... very tough I know ! I wanted so bad for him to stop . He never came any closer to me and when he started walking away I quickly got into my car , there was a note on the windshield that I grabbed before locking the doors . I sat there and cried . He pulled his car in front of me and starting screaming again , I covered my ears so I couldnt hear him ... When he pulled away and I thought I was safe I put on my seatbelt and started to turn around to check behind me and there he was . Blocking me in ... I was scared . he screamed , I covered my ears and cried . He pulled away after about 30 seconds .

It was a nightmare .. I should have been escorted out but I guess they dont do that and I didnt know enough to ask ..

Thanks for letting me vent ! I changed my locks and have a dog so I feel safe . Im so sorry for him , I hope he finds his way .

Oh , his note said .... I cant b-lieve you are doing this to me .. you always said you would never use the kids as weapons.. bulls*it !!! You pay the $50 fine , I dont have it and tell the kids what you did because I wont be seeing them anytime soon .

Oh hunny......wow......now that was a tough day....are you okay? He is just upset because his little codie said "no"....you stand strong and stay the course hun...he will calm down after a while....I would show your lawyer the note he left for you or mail it to the judge....I guarentee you that this judge will order in patient treatment...and he sounds like he needs it too. What a scary situation...I am really surprised that someone from the court didnt escort you to your vehicle....I wish you had taken someone with you today..

((((((((((((((((LG))))))))))))))))

he already broke the restraining order! did you report it? he should have been arrested again for his actions.

i would call and report it. it needs to be on record and he needs arrested for breaking it.

jmho

i'm glad you are safe, but if he would act this way in the presence of a courthouse, what do you think he may be capable of in any other setting?

(((((((huggs)))))))
jeri

Thanks for the encouragement janitw...I was surprised myself about not getting walked to my car but I it was my first time so I didnt know what to ask for .

I should have reported him embraced . I know that I should have . At the time I was just wanting to get myself out of the situation as fast as I could so it didnt get worse and I think part of me is still wanting to protect him . Do you think I can still report it even though it happened yesterday ?? I do still have the note .

Baby steps

Yes, report it now. If nothing else there will be a record of it.

Be strong and know that you have many in here supporting you.

(((LGLGO7)))

I'm so sorry!! What a horrible day. You did right though. He really needs help. I don't have a lot of simpathy with guys who try to intimidate women. He didn't even have the "excuse" of being drunk, did he?
_____________________
Trish

What the h**l, I can't believe someone didn't escort you out!!!!!!!!! He should have been put in jail right there. Do you have a woman in crisis center near you? They helped me tremendously ,they just showed up the day I filed my order and came to the hearing with me for free. I wish I was there to hug you right now, I am so sorry you are going through this, my experience in getting a PFA was so much more peaceful. Please be careful have extra locks put on your door ans keep your order with you at all times. Good Bless and take care.......

I was hoping when I started reading about his behavior in the parking lot,that I was going to read that you went back inside with the note,etc or a security guard came over and he was arrested on the spot and taken to a facility.

I am so sorry you had such a difficult day and circumstances all around. Hoping today is MUCH better.

Easy for me to say but please report his violation (note) and any further ones so that he knows you and the system are serious. For your peace of mind and your children and also,it is in his best interest,too. JMHO

:Val004:

sending you support, k

lg, hon, i was shaking in my shoes when things were like this with my xh....so i know that feeling of just wanting to get out of the way and all the settle down.

but, yes, i would report it immmediately.....the restraining order is only as good as you are willing to follow through with. and although it is only a paper, and he can walk right through it, at least the law will know, and hopefully will be quick to respond when and if he breaks it again.

love and hugs to you....i understand
jeri

just a memory that popped up for me......my x was arrested for violating the restraining order and put in jail....guess who he used his one phone call for????.....yup...me. so he was arrested again, right in the jail for contacting me. my lands, it was recorded for crying out loud? shows you the insanity.

I remember those feelings of helplessness and terror. I went to some counseling sessions for abused women and they helped me a lot.

The hardest thing for me to do was to NOT take his calls, NOT read his emails and to not get sucked back in to the drama. I learned that "no contact" means just that - NO contact.

After a certain amount of time, be it a month or 6 months or a year, you'll be able to finally relax and be working on your recovery. You'll be able to look at your life, your family and your relationship with fresh eyes. That's the time when you can finally reevaluate things.

Please take care of yourself and your children. You're worth it.

HUGS

Cats

(((LG))) I got a feeling he's going to be hitting bottom real soon. Please report this and any other time he is even near you. The more he violates the order and you report it, the better. Judges don't take to kindly to people violating their orders and will order in patient alcohol treatment and/or jail time (even Family Court - at least in NY). When my RAH was taken to the hospital psych ward two months ago for threatening to kill himself, he kept calling me screaming for me to "get him out of there or you'll be sorry"... "Are you happy now????", and all those other mean things they scream when their codie isn't there for them. I just ignored him and his phone calls, he finally sought the help he needs. Good for you that you showed him you mean business. Be strong, keep it up and remember, anytime he violates that order, call the police.

((((LG))))

I'm sorry you had to go through that - your strength was definitely displayed, big time.

Take care of you and those children, you only did what YOU felt you had to do to protect yourself. Hang in there, one day atta time its going to get better.

Many Hugs n Prayers your way!

HOLY MOLY
Bon bon, is that really you????

Welcome back.

(((((LG)))))


I hope you get the strength to report him. Take care of you.

What I remember thinking was that OF COURSE someone would 'notice' or someone would 'save' me. The worst feeling was finding out that someone... was me.

Please take the action you need to in order to set this boundary. Not reporting him last night tells him it is ok to do this to you again.... next time he feels "wronged". It is not too late to report it today.

Please keep your doors locked, change the locks if he has a key (the hardware store can help you with a kit that you can install to change the door locks).

You can do this. And things DO get better. That is something that is so difficult to remember in the midst of all this.... (((hugs)))

((((LG))))) Super big and what a tower of courage and strength you displayed! It sounded like you were talking about my X! The terror I remember so well- but, please let me share with you-as BigSis stated-not reporting it means that you are ok with this to happen again-and it will happen again!

Please take that note as others have stated on her and take it to the police and report him!

Mine violated his restraining order 5 times (could be more I lost count) and each time it was my fault! It was my fault the one time when he followed me and then got yanked over for drunk driving! (last time he violated)

The reason the courts grant restraining orders are for protection of us-and our children if they are in the picture-I know that I battled with my feelings for him and the guilt blah blah until I realized that not only did he quack like a duck but, I was doing the quacking to the police and everyone but especially me! I had wanted this restraining order because I was in fear! TERROR so I had to stop playing the little boy (girl) who cried wolf and stick to my boundaries! NO CONTACT it is very hard to do when there is feelings involved! But it can be done-you asked for the courts to give you a paper to say NO CONTACT well stick to your boundaries as the court is sticking to it!

(((HUGS and PRAYERS))))

Please go report this-not to worry you but I have gone through this and it is overwhelming and physically damaging to yourself to live in fear-I did and i could not handle it.

Re changing locks - I did find in my case it was cheaper to just re-key them.

thank you all so much .. it was so great to sign on and see all these responses , especially considering how long my thread is!!

Im working today but I called my local police dept and told them about the harrassment and the note , I have to go there tmrw to bring it to them and they will
make a record of it . I have no addr or ph# for ah so they have no way of finding him either until he surfaces .. who knows when that will be !

The judge yesterday gave ah permission to come to the house to get some pers belongings . I knew he needed a police escort but I also knew there was no way he was showing up with one so I called the cop in our neighborhood thats a friend of ours and he met me at the house (he was on duty) . He walked into the house behind me and was on his cell phone in 1/2 a second making arrangements for a locksmith friend of his to come and re-key (just like you said denny!) my locks .
Then he told me I could leave and he would be there when ah got there so I left .
Sure enough he showed up with no cops .. He went through house and only took his own stuff . Told our friend that I was obviously being coached and told what to do by somebody and do you now what our friend said to him .... He said ..
'actually , this is what alanon does....makes woman and men not be afraid to stand up for themselves'

I thought that was a great response !

I do feel a lot better about things today . He still blames me but thats his problem .
I know Im doing the right thing , still when I think back to who he used to be it makes me sooo sad . I never in a million years thought he would treat me this way but I know , its his disease .

I guess the lesson here is stop looking back and start looking ahead !

thanks again all my friends ... could not have done this without all your support and sharing !! (())s to all of you !