Could Use Support and Advice Today...

Old 07-19-2007, 05:43 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Nothing has change din his life so no he isn't going to do a huge 180 and live a wonderful life with a white picket fence and the perfect woman. He'll just keep on as he is.

Go to your therapist and some Alanon meetings. Focus on you.

Earthworm

Originally Posted by hbb View Post
Anvil & Pick ~ thank you, i appreciate it, i know i'll somehow get through. Sometimes if feel good and it's the right thing in the long run but then my heart overtakes and wonders if he's going to do a 180 and life this wonderful life and i'm the one that will have the negative effects.

Japic ~ thank you too! I know what you mean about not getting info, i kinda think i'm going to hear it regardless and i'm dreading the day i hear if they get back together but i guess it comes down to losers are meant for losers and once the again honeymoon is over i'm hoping to be long gone. Can't wait to see who gets that "prize".
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Old 07-19-2007, 05:59 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Kg and Earth....your both right, i just got back from counseling and it was really good to get more stuff out It's sooo weird, but my dad of all people who doesn't say BOO about anyone said he didn't want to say at the time but that J wasn't the one for me...i couldn't believe he said that because he doesn't really voice an opinion. It meant alot, and it means alot coming from you ladies who know that i will be sooooo much better off.
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Old 07-19-2007, 06:14 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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In my humble opinion I think you should focus on …… working on you.
Alanon is a great start, even if you don’t like the idea keep going anyway.
If you do see a councilor or a doc, see if they have dealt with alcoholic relationships and families.
This will help also.


KEEP BUSY! I can not stress enough, go out, have fun, get a hobby, and take a class!

In time, you will see that the best person in your life is not another, but yourself.
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Old 07-19-2007, 06:21 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Thank you Mr. C.....I enjoy my Al Anon group and i kind of have a sponsor after the meetings too, she's great. My counselor seems to be in touch with alcoholic symptoms in relationships too which is good. Thankfully i have a ton of great friends to keep me busy and roommates. I know in the long run he did me a favor but getting my heart and brain in sync is tough some days!
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Old 07-19-2007, 07:15 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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i think keeping busy is huge.

i've made tons of new friends the past few months and try to have something planned every night of the week. even if i am stuck at home alone, i try to keep my mind busy by reading or doing a puzzle or watching a movie i've never seen.

i promise, promise, promise you that it gets so much easier. it will take time (god, i used to hate when people would tell me that!) but i would swear my life on the fact that you will gradually think about him less and less.
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Old 07-19-2007, 07:23 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Thanks Inthis....thank god for you too here you've helped me so much this past week or so. My counselor said to me it sounds like he's a dry drunk and hence the poor treatment while sober. I think it's cause i know how long/hard it was to meet him when i did and think i'll be alone forever but i guess better to be alone for now than with someone so unhealthy and uncaring.
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Old 07-19-2007, 08:12 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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sweetie, you won't be alone forever, i can promise it! i know it's a real, valid fear, but it's better that you learned all of this about him now than years down the road. you can now learn more about yourself and what you want and deserve and put it into action in the future. there's no sense in settling when there's plenty of fish in the sea!
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Old 07-20-2007, 03:58 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Heather,

I know you don't believe it now but yes you will be better off and really he isn't worth it.

Think of it this way "Do I want someone treating me this way? I'm worth more than that."

You can also use this as a gauge of how you want to treat yourself and the people around you. NOT like he treat people.

Earthworm
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Old 07-20-2007, 06:08 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Thanks Earth, i guess i chalk it up to loneliness and it hurts to hear that he doesn't even seem to be effected by this at all according to co-workers. But like my counselor said, who knows, he's probably not showing or saying much of anything to get back to me. I know it shouldn't matter anymore and he did do me a favor in the long run but why doesn't this stuff bite them in the ass???? In hindsight maybe it has, he will be in debt for a very long time, no white picket fence, barely getting by in life as a previous post mentioned. I definately want nice or decent things, a house, kids, just keep thinking it will take me sooo long to meet someone new. It just felt so right when J and i met and things were great. Better to find out now right???
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Old 07-20-2007, 07:04 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I keep wondering why it is so important to find someone....Another person cannot give us what we do not already have.... I know that hormones and a desire to procreate drives many young people to find someone. It is a strong drive and very hard to resist. which makes me think that finding someone could be done logically...what would I want in a man if I was young and knew what I know now:

I would run a retail credit check, criminal background check, observe their behavior and pay attention to their words to see if their actions match their words. I would want to talk to ex-girlfriends or wives to find out what caused the break-ups. I would look at how their family functions and if all of this did not add up to seeing that they have good credit, no criminal history and a functioning family I would not want anything to do with them. If I found that nobody I was meeting could meet with this I would think I need to change where I am looking....

takers will take givers will give. I want to be able to give and take and it be balanced.

I want to take my time and give myself a break
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Old 07-20-2007, 07:15 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Splendra, I know, and you know, when i think about how nice it would be to be with someone "healthy" and have this "perfect" life. I know that's not the case deep down inside right now. I know i have ALOT of work to do on myself or i will fall in the same trap of a relationship i just got out of. I guess it's because society kinda puts timelines on things, like i should be married but such an age, and kids by such an age. I do realize i put way too much pressure on myself and maybe that's why i wanted things to work so badly with me and J. I often said it was like putting a square peg in a round hole. But i guess i thought over time we had so much laughs and good times that it would all work out and we would gel.

But with that said, it's NOT ok for him to have treated and disrespect me like that. I"m so quick in my head to forgive him that he has a disease and he's sick, and screwed up. But why should i fogive that treatment that he gave me. He's an adult, he knows better, he intentionally went away with his X. There is NO excuse for that what so ever. Gosh, you can see by this my brain is MUSH i do feel better today but it's always the day after counselor or al anon...doesn't last very long.......
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Old 07-20-2007, 07:23 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hbb View Post
i do feel better today but it's always the day after counselor or al anon...doesn't last very long.......
I am finding that as time goes by, the strength I gain thru therapy or a particularly supportive conversation with one of my support circle lasts longer and longer because I am internalizing the insights and knowledge.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:15 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Well its kinda of ironic, i was just emailing a family friend of his that i met through my X and she said that all his life he's always been on a distructive path and made bad choices but thought that since he was newly sober and met me that it would all turn around. It really is nice to see that even someone like her wants to stay in touch with me and told me not to sit around and wait for him to realize he screwed up and SHE'S the family friend on his side.
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:18 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
let it grow!
 
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hey hbb - what you are going to do for you today? blessings, k
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:21 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Today is a hard one...i'm alone all day, lots of time to think unfortunately. Going to a friends house tonight with the girls. Haven't cried yet and it's noon which is a plus!
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:24 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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get out for some fresh air - a walk always distracts me. . .

k
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Old 07-20-2007, 09:59 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Im thinking of you hbb, im in the same boat it's day 14 days now since i last saw him. it's friday night and i would be going to his home to stay for the weekend, but im not. i havent cried today which is good and i am going for a meal with my friend. to be honest i dont want to go but i must, im sure my xab will be in a bar somewhere drowning his sorrows.

They fill your life with so much chaos and drama so when they leave there is nothing to worry about and it's empty. im taking time to fill my life with my own dramas (healthy ones).

i used to enjoy going out for a drink with my friends, so im going to learn to be that person again. hbb you will feel better soon and so will I. keep in touch

M x
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Old 07-20-2007, 10:04 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Mair, i think about you too. I'm "forcing" myself too. I used to have a blast with my friends to the point of not caring about meeting anyone. Your so right, there is sooooooooooooo much drama and chaos in his life and when your used to that (healthy or not) and it's gone, it's like whoaa, now what? We don't need this lifestyle, just trying to get back on my feet. You know what i try to remember is when i was on the phone with him on the 4th of July, he was flipping out because his sister in law cracked up yet another car due to drugs.....this truly is a lifestyle i'm not familar with nor do i want to in the long run. My family friend also said to me that i mentioned before that my X over the several years is not used to someone treating him so well but that i definately deserve better. Putting all this knowledge to work sux. I want to wake up from this nighmare called my current life.
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Old 07-20-2007, 11:42 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Hi,

Have you ever of "What goes around comes around." or

"We reap what we sow."

As I progressed in recovery I grew to realize that my self-worth didn't depend on if someone missed me or why they wouldn't overcome their addictions for me.

As I came to these awarenesses I realized that my self-worth epends on me and how I treat myself not on another person who just wants to exploit me if I let them.

This was very empowering for me. It has helped me to change the type of people I spend time with
and change how I treat myself.

Hence my life has changed tremendously.

And yours will too. You'll learn you don't have to give your personal power away to a sick person who will mistreat you.

Earthworm






Originally Posted by hbb View Post
Thanks Earth, i guess i chalk it up to loneliness and it hurts to hear that he doesn't even seem to be effected by this at all according to co-workers. But like my counselor said, who knows, he's probably not showing or saying much of anything to get back to me. I know it shouldn't matter anymore and he did do me a favor in the long run but why doesn't this stuff bite them in the ass???? In hindsight maybe it has, he will be in debt for a very long time, no white picket fence, barely getting by in life as a previous post mentioned. I definately want nice or decent things, a house, kids, just keep thinking it will take me sooo long to meet someone new. It just felt so right when J and i met and things were great. Better to find out now right???
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Old 07-20-2007, 01:48 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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That was such a difficult thing to deal with.....what if he finds someone else? Will they go to the same places we did? Will he say the same things to her as he did to me? Will she make him happier than I could?

It drove me crazy. It consumed my thoughts. It kept me awake at night. I figured out the password to check his mobile phone records (which was my source of getting information about him) and I checked them several times a day. It was a compulsion. When I think of how silly that was i'm ashamed. I can safely say that I will never do that again and i'm so thankful for the lesson.

But the truth of the matter is that as long as your xbf is in his disease he will find someone else. He will say the same things to her as he did to you. They will go to the same places and do many of the same things. But, she will never make him happy. This is the process he has to go through to obtain his source of supply (which is what you were). Alcoholics are very needy....love, sex, adoration, validation, justification, distraction, someone to put blame on, someone to rescue them....they cannot be alone. Many times when they cannot find someone new they cycle through the old ones to see if there's anything left.

Nothing outward can make him happy and that's why he medicates with alcohol.
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