Wanttobefree

Hi all. I need your input please, I am really at a loss here. After26 years of marriage to an A, SEVERE mental and verbal abuse, to me and my now grown children, I came to the point of being unable to tolerate one more minute of it. And to my surprise, I must have made that clear to the A this time. For the first time ever, he has been sober for 14 days, attends private and group therapy, has a prescription for anxiety medication, hopefully to alleviate the intense, all consuming rages, and is really actually enjoying the program and says he enjoys being sober and working towards having a real life.

What I am having a hard time with, is how does a person get past the past? Now that he decides that everything should be better, how do I let go of the feelings of hate and fury and disgust, not only at him, but at me also, for letting it go on so long? Does an A get to ruin people's lives and then expect that the family he destroyed will just embrace him with open arms? I know that to hate just hurts me, I have been quiet and stuffed my feelings away for so long, I'm not sure I have feelings anymore, but I don't seem to be happy for either him or me that he is getting the help he needs. And I don't know how to deal with that. My joy is gone and his is just beginning. Any thoughts to share?

lillian

it may seem that he is just turning over a new leave, and everything is forgotten and new just because he's new-- and you're left with all the old hurts and neurosis and complexes. but your joy isn't gone-- his pain isn't gone-- you are both beginning something new. cut yourself some slack--you need to think about having a "real" life too-- i mean, the old life was a real life-- it doesn't disappear. you don't have to get over the past in a night, or week, or day-- 26 years of marriage is a lifetime. focus on making small changes for yourself, and i would recommend getting couselling together-- slow and steady, if you can. any change is a shock-- hang in there.

denny57

Do you attend Al-Anon? Lots of experience, strength and hope there. People who have gone, or are going through what you are. It might be great to have some friends to hang with who understand.

Keep posting! ((()))

WhatAboutME

I have struggled with the same exact feelings in the past 6 months. I have come to the conclusion that while I do need to let go of some of my anger for my own sake, I cannot "forgive" him in the sense that we can come together again as husband and wife. And that decision alone has brought me some much needed peace. We have been married almost 7 years and together for just over 10. That's enough for me. Like you, I have felt indifferent to him seeking help for his drinking and even maintaining sobriety, which made me feel guilty beyond belief. And during the "good" times (when he was in treatment and/or not drinking), I still found myself on edge, which was not fair to me or him. We are seperated now and I am in the midst of filing divorce papers. But that's just me, I know others have been very successful at resuming a normal life with their recovering A. I just couldn't get there.

ladyjane

Wow, this threads close to my heart!!

My ah drank for the first 27 years of our marriage. When I'd finally had enough, he realized that I had indeed had enough and quit drinking.
At that time I didn't care if he did or not, I just knew I wasn't going to live with him if he ever drank again!
During the early days of his sobriety, I fully expected him to come home drunk again. I didn't trust his will power at all. Surprisingly enough, he remained sober.
I certainly wasn't easy to live with. I resented him and all the bad treatment I had received from him for so many years. He must have realized this and was very kind and patient with me, although I can't say I was very kind to him.
Then one day, totally out of the blue, he looked at me and said " I'm so sorry, Patricia". And I said " What are You sorry for?".
And he said "For wasting so many years, drinking and raising hell, when I could have been home making memories with you".
After that, I finally felt that big chunk of ice around my heart begin to melt. I really looked and him and gave him credit for trying so hard to make amends to everyone in the family. And yes, I began to love him again.
We recently celebrated our 37th anniversary. Ten years sober for him and I'm very proud of him.
___________________________
Trish

parentrecovers

alanon helps me with letting go. and forgiveness. blessings, k

Wanttobefree

Ladyjane, thank you so much for taking the time to write that heartwarming story. It makes me feel so much better.

queenteree

Ladyjane, That was a heartwarming reply cause I've been struggling with the same feelings as wanttobefree. I didn't have severe verbal abuse, and the mental abuse I'm sure was due to some of my own doing, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the past 4 years of my relationship with RAH. He's been sober now almost two months and is going to AA, but at times I think he thinks now that he's not drinking, it's all good. He's really been trying to be a sweetheart, but I guess it's up to me to let the past go.

Wanttobefree:

"Now that he decides that everything should be better, how do I let go of the feelings of hate and fury and disgust, not only at him, but at me also, for letting it go on so long? Does an A get to ruin people's lives and then expect that the family he destroyed will just embrace him with open arms? I know that to hate just hurts me, I have been quiet and stuffed my feelings away for so long, I'm not sure I have feelings anymore, but I don't seem to be happy for either him or me that he is getting the help he needs. And I don't know how to deal with that. My joy is gone and his is just beginning. Any thoughts to share?"

I had these same exact feelings when I took him to rehab two months ago, and posted them here (I also conveyed them to him, while he was at rehab so he could digest what I was feeling). It's been a hard road, especially cause I got used to detaching and I got used to ignoring his drunkeness. Then I came to the conclusion that I was so used to a drunk husband, talking my ear off constantly, being a pain in the ###, undependable, etc. and all that goes along with being drunk, that I have to get used to my new sober husband and realize that I really have to get to know him all over again. I'm giving it a shot and I hope it works. As Harleygirl once told me, try to give it a year before making any rash decisions. Hope this helps.
Teree

ladyjane

(((Queenteree)))

I know what you're going through. It's tough and it hurts. I think like any wound you have to give yourself time to heal as well. Wheather you can accept the past and forgive is something only you can decide. I do know that you can never forget. I sometimes find myself slipping back into the old memories and remembering the old pains.
I guess you have to decide if he's worth staying for and if your marriage is worth saving. Only time will tell, so give it a little time and then decide. When my husband quit drinking I felt that if he made the effort to quit, then I would try to make the effort to stay. It was worth it for me. We're best friends now and do everything together.
_________________________
Trish