Bernadette

I just want to point out to all of you suffering from the lazy A partner to take the alcohol out of the equation when evaluating whether your needs are being met in your relationship.

Behavior is what counts.

My marriage sucked because of my ex's irresponsibility and laziness and lack of participation in family life. I too spent years feeling aggravated, un-appreciated and ran around like a chicken with my head cut off making it all work and resenting his inability to contribute.

I went through 2 stages:
1st: I finally started being grateful that I COULD manage life with my 2 boys - I COULD physically get them to games, school, fed, dressed, read to, played with, listened to, teach them responsibility and life lessons, etc, etc, all the million things! I was like - wow, thank goodness I am ABLE.

2nd: I FINALLY asked myself, why am I with this person who doesn't accept the responsibilities of adulthood? All the practical requirements of raising children/marriage/life didn't come from ME- they are not MY tasks to dole out or handle for him - they are the responsibilities of maturity and adulthood. Period. So it didn't matter whether I knew he could have done them, or should have done them, or had the potential to one day do them. He wasn't doing them!!

Behavior, actions, every time they tell me what I need to know. It didn't matter WHY he was the way he was. Alcohol? Mental illness? Narcissistic? Didn't matter what the excuse was. The REALITY was he was not being a full participating partner in the way I needed and deserved.

So since I was doing it all myself anyway I left him and it was such a great relief. It was not easy: I loved him, I was broke, we were in debt, it was lonely and strange and challenging. But it has been SO MUCH better - like 10,000% than how it felt to be in that place with him and his "inability" to bear his responsibilities. And I had to unlearn my alcoholic-family-codie-mania in order to step completely away from him, and find myself. Thank God for Al-Anon and books and therapy!

Just my 2 cents!
Peace,
B.

painthorse60

Wow do I feel better after reading all of this! My husband has been the exact same way through 15 years of active addiction and 3 1/2 years of recovery. That's one thing that definitely hasn't changed! He does absolutley not one single thing around the house - EVER! Not sure if it's a habit or if it's just become a permanent part of who he is.

We also have animals - horses and dogs. I'm fairly sure he's forgotten how to clean a stall. I just can't let an innocent animal suffer for his laziness, so I do it all myself. Annoying cause I get up at 5:30 am and do all the chores before I leave for work. He's asleep when I leave at 7:00 and when I return at 4:00, he's already home from his "long day". Does some paperwork for the business, showers and goes to a meeting. Oh wait - he DOES complain if I don't have supper ready before he has to leave. He owns his own business and makes his own hours - only possible because I have the insurance through my work!

We have a million half finished projects here too. I honestly believe that he intends to finish when he starts, but loses interest long before they're done. We have a fairly nice place, acreage, own our own business and I'm a school administrator - so why does every plumbing fixture in the house leak and why is the linoleum in our main bath half ripped up for the last 5 years??? Some days I could tear my hair out!

Thanks to everybody for posting and letting me know I'm not alone. I honestly believed that when he became sober, he would use some of his drinking time to work around here. That is SO not happening and doesn't look like it will. Some days I have to ask - WHY ME????

HisMaid

I got such a kick out of reading the first four posts after mine, I was laughing out loud because I felt like I had written all three myself and it just felt good to hear others telling my story. I felt like I could hang out with all of you and just laugh the night away with stories. But I must say Barbara52 brought me down. I haven't complained to anyone and have been in this for years and I finally found an avenue to get it out. Then Barbara52 shook her finger at me and said "What are you going to do about it other than gripe?". Now I can't complain and share my stories, it ended so quick. Seriously, I do realize that some day I may just walk, God knows I have threatened to a million times, but I really don't want to leave. Yes he is lazy, yes he is an alcoholic, but he does have a good side, the side I fell in love with. Maybe I've always been an optimist/dreamer, but I keep hoping that he will revert back to that guy I met so many years ago. In the meantime, I love our home, our pets, our property. I was never much of a social person (by choice) so it suits me fine to take walks on my property, bird watch, garden, etc. I like things done a certain way, so he can use it as an excuse not to do things. I took over cutting the grass because he cut plants down that he said he thought were weeds. Yeah yeah I know, he did that on purpose so he wouldn't have to cut grass anymore. Oops I guess I'm griping again. Anyway for the most part, I am happy, I have moments like last night when it was great to talk to people in my situation, but I'm not ready to walk, it breaks my heart to think of it. So please let me gripe when I feel the need and let me hear other stories that cheer me up when I need a laugh.

Barbara52

HisMaid, you totally misunderstood the point of my posts. You might want to try to read them as they are and not read anything into them. I try to be very careful with my words so that I do say what I mean and nothing else.

cem001

I understand what B52 is saying here, and she's not shaking her finger at anyone. She just making the statement that you have the ability to change things (situations). If you choose not to change then griping is all you are going to do. Believe me. I gripe enough for the world. As I posted after she made a comment, I can either sit there and listen to it and get angry or hand the dumb dust rag over to him. WHICH I DID LAST NIGHT... Yeah for me. He was hurting too bad to go to work, stayed in bed all day and slept, then when I got home from my 10 hour day at work, to start dinner, he started in on the house looking like crap. I walked over to the dusting stuff and handed it to him. I told him he had 30 minutes to work on it until I had the hamburgers ready....

Score one for me.

FormerDoormat

What's just as common as laziness and lack of responsibility in alcoholics is acceptance of this crapola by their partners. What was more beneficial to me in my recovery from co-dependence was realizing that my boyfriend was able to get away with this crap because I accepted it.

Once I ended the relationship, his irresponsible behavior no longer had a negative effect on my life. So while I'm still doing all the work myself, now I do it for me only and not some lazy man who won't carry his own weight, and surprise, surprise, my resentment is gone.

I am the cause of my resentments, so only I can relieve myself of them.

FormerDoormat

So what you're saying is that money and material things are more important to you than being treated respectfully? If you have children, what message would this send them?

What's even more telling to me is that you defined yourself as "HisMaid" even when you chose your forum name. If you define yourself this way, why wouldn't he?

If you could latch onto to someone who would relieve you of every responsibility in life for FREE plus be your maid, cook, personal shopper, and gardener and on top of that fulfill your intimate needs, too, would you pass up the opportunity?

This is actually not a laughing matter and venting got me no where. Venting is a waste of time; action is not. I realize one has to first define the problem in order to address it, but anything thing more than that is a monumental waste of time.

Like MallowCup once said, "every vent requries a solution."

tryingtofly

For me it's funny, I always hated to clean. When RAH and I were first living together he was on me constantly about how messy I was. Then I tried harder to clean and he fell by the wayside with cleaning. It seems like only one of us can be neat and tidy at a time. lol
I used to resent him while I was cleaning, doing laundry, washing dishes etc but all it did was put me in a bad mood. So I joined FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home and got a schdeule together and just started doing it. I noticed that when the living room was clean and orderly RAH would bring his coffee cup into the kitchen (I guess it was more noticable!) Sure he didn't do it right away but it's better than nothing.
We put new siding on our house two years ago and RAH has yet to finish it ("it's too cold, it's too hot"....Goldilocks syndrome I guess!) so I told him that if it's not done soon I was going to hire someone to do it and we would have to cut back on a lot of things in order to pay for it. He has the choice - get it done by August or cut back on smoking, coffee, groceries. He's outside working on it right now!

I guess what I'm saying is yup, I have a lazy RA at home, but like Barbara52 said - "What are you going to do about it?" No, I'm not going to leave him cause he's lazy, but I'm also not going to be bitter or cranky over it. I'm gong to make a plan and stick to it

steve11694

At open AA meetings I have attended and recovering folks i have interviewed ; they confirm that a JERK before alcoholism, will continue to be a jerk in and after recovery.

Barbara52

Excellent! That is indeed what I meant by taking action. Good for you.

Jadmack25

I don't know whether to laugh my head off, or bawl my eyes out at this thread.

I was lucky in that my now dead xah was wonderful for 22 of our 27 years of marriage.
I got home from work (theatre sister) and he had dinner started, kids doing homework, and washing taken off the clothes line. He wasn't afraid of housework or caring for kids if necessary, and did a lot of both after my accident 30 years ago.
When he went into full drinking mode and changed into Mr Yuk, after 5 years I finally left.

My RABF as I have said before, is a clean and tidy nut when sober, and a pig when drunk. He will pull weeds from a 95year old neighbours garden on his way to my place, do heavy work in my small garden and keeps our co-owned old car serviced etc.

Drunk, his place has looked like a cyclone hit and blew a beer truck thru it, judging by the dozens of stubbies around. Of course I have cleaned up afterwards (not for a damn long time tho) and wondered how he could change so easily.

My daughter left her husband after he lost his temper and kicked the 3 yr old, in fact they were gone next day. He worked but did SFA from the minute he came in the door, except for moaning and complaining, the main gripe was that dirty dishes were on the "temporary" bench in the kitchen area. Month before all blew up, my girl was diagnosed with PND, but of course he said it was all rubbish, she was just lazy.

She was still waiting for a proper work bench, cupboards, drawers, stove top, oven, and sink with taps and draining board. Heck, she needed a real kitchen.
Apparently he slapped her a week earlier, because she told him to finish building the place.

Well, she has been gone over 14 months now, and he actually finished the en-suite for the main bedroom....but not 1 other thing has been done, yet $43,000 for getting the whole house finished is gone from the house account.

I do not go near him, because I loathe lazy, bullying and pig ignorant people, and for what he did to my daughter and grandson I could batter him into mush with my cane.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I don't have any wise words for how to stir up or cope with lazy men, other than cease doing what they should. Let them do their own laundry or go dirty, let them starve or learn to cook (or eat out), not do a darn thing for them.

A pal of mine arranged a long weekend camping in a friend's back yard, for her and her kids. She knew the power was going off at home, as hubby drank the money just like times before, but this time she was ready. She and kid had a ball, enjoyed every minute, but hubby was miserable....his beer got hot, he cut badly himself shaving, had no money to go out boozing, finally drank the hot stuff and fell over breaking his ankle.

I still get a big smile on my face when I recall that glorious time.

Uh OH!!! I think I just sinned again.

God bless you all

FreeingMyself

OH I can so relate...and for my AH it is not alcohol that makes it horrible, his laziness is ridiculous without. We have 5 children who I am totally responsible for, housework - me, outside work - me etc. Finally about 3 months ago I refused to do his laundry ever again because he would get mad at me for it not being done. I told him he could do himself then. SO....when he runs out of socks and underwear he goes to walmart and buys more. He probably has at least 60 pairs of each....and NEVER does he put his stuff away. His day consists of - going to work (if he happens to work that day) then spending the rest of the day with his computer on our bed and the tv on....great role model for the kids........i despise laziness!

Ann

MUCKIE's posts have been removed as he is probably quite drunk and most certainly disrespectful.

This thread began in 2003, was revived in 2008 and again now in 2010 and, for me, is difficult to follow.

If you would like to begin a new thread on this topic, we can close this one...or we can leave it as it is. Please let any moderator know if you want it changed.

Thank you to all those who reported the nasty posts by MUCKIE.

Hugs
Ann

BrightFuture

Lol, are you sure this isn't my boyfriend?!

DMC

I left. Or rather, I made him leave.

I put up with it as long as I did because I was working so much I was hardly ever home. I accepted that a clean house wasn't going to happen and lowered my standards. Still, I could have written most of these posts as well, as I did just about everything anyway.

The part that drove me up the wall was his constant use of the word "exhausted."

Buddy, when you've spent the last 30 hours straight in the trauma bay, on your feet, running around trying to stave off death and disaster, THAT, my deluded STBXAH, is exhaustion. Drinking beer and not sleeping well has nothing to do with it. Except perhaps land you there on the other side of my trauma shears.

Once I was done, (with my training as well as the relationship) I kicked him out, and hired a maid and a contractor. Now, my house is cleaned every week. My honey-do list is done. My bathroom got renovated. Oh, and it was all done on time, on schedule, without nagging or beer cans or cigarette butts.

Jadmack25

DMC, Oh how I second that part about "on your feet and death and disaster".
I worked 7am to 5pm, Monday-Friday, as a theatre sister and by the time I got hom at 5.30pm, I had feet that wanted to cry.

My late exAH had done more than most men I knew of, to help run the household.

I swear, if I came home to some slob, slurping booze and complaining how tired he was, he would have been on the emergency theatre list for life saving surgery, within the hour.

As my daughter said some years ago, "my dad and husband have cooked and cleaned and helped all they could, and L (her son) is going to learn it all too. I am not raising a rod for some girls back."

Can you hand these chaps back to their mums, and tell them to finish their job properly, cause their boys haven't been raised right.

Wish you all luck

God bless