venusinlibra

My ABF has been sober about six months. He has been 13 stepping for awhile but is still sober. He still is financially irresponsible and basically exhibiting all the behavior of a dry drunk. I'm working my program and I am growing weary of our old routine. I pay most of the bills, clean, carry the relationship, etc.

We made plans this weekend to do something and he was invited to go to a friend's party. I assumed we would go...he said not it's too much of a hassle. So basically if I want to go, he is not going. If I don't want to go, he will go.

This really bums me out. I really want out of the relationship and struggle to find the strength to end it. My rational mind says I can do it, my heart keeps thinking it will get better. How long did it take for all of you to make the break? Or get better.

I am starting to feel physically ill from all of this. I love the guy...but what an ass.

splendra

((((VnL)))))

What were the original plans? His friend invited him to a party right? Were you invited?

As far as ending the relationship goes it probably will get better when you listen to the reasons you have for wanting out and act on it. I am hoping you can let your heart feel what your head knows...

It took me a really long time to get over thinking it would get better. I hope for your sake you won't waste too much more time on this. You need to get better.

venusinlibra

Yes, I was invited. I ignored the invitation because there will be TONS of drinking. I figured he would not go. Now it seems like if I don't go...he will...and who knows what would happen. He is strange that way...we don't socialize much together as a couple.

denny57

When you say he has been 13-stepping for a while, are you saying he is seeing other women?

Bre38

I understand what your saying my ABF is sober 6 months. He was ordered again to treatment or go back to jail again. Went for 2 months of a 6 month program and just stopped again about 1 month ago. He still hasnt drank, but he is still the same angry, selfish, and controlling person he was before. I thought taking the A out of the relationship things would get better. But he is still very angry, cant and wont communicate, and life revolves around him. I have been the stable one, providing the financial and responsible factors. Some people are just plain jerks with or without alcohol. I am at a loss also and hope I will find my way to the happiness I deserve and I hope you do also.

prodigal

I can tell you from my own personal experience that the deeper AH sunk into his addiction, the less he wanted to be seen with me or do anything with me. I made a few attempts to get him to go places with me - it ALWAYS ended in disaster with him starting some sort of "war."

You've been put in a terrible position. He's telling you he will only attend this booze-a-thon if you don't go. It could be that the "other woman" will be in attendance, if you mean by 13th stepping that he is having an affair with another woman. It could be he wants to go alone so he can start drinking again without you seeing it actually happen. I'm only speculating here, mind you.

However, I am not speculating now: WHY? This guy is treating you like garbage. You say you really want out of the relationship. You also say you are becoming physically ill (I assume from the stress you are under). There are no such things as completely clean, civilized breakups. Well, if you have two totally passive-aggressives breaking up, they generally just back out of the relationship to keep up the appearances of how "nice" they are. But psychobabble aside, you're miserable. Yes, he is certainly contributing to making the situation miserable, but you are responsible for your own misery when you stay even though you really want to leave.

If you walk, you will be trading a known pain for an unknown pain. However, breakups are painful if we've emotionally invested a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. It sounds as if your bf has already moved on to me, so you can prolong the inevitable or you can leave now.

You love the guy, but he's an ass. How about placing a higher value on yourself, quit waiting around for him to un-ass himself, and get serious about your own recovery. I believe you will discover that you deserve better than some financially irresponsible guy who is an "ass."

How long did it take me to cut my losses? As long as it took me. Nobody could tell me when I'd had enough. I told me when I'd had enough. Basically, it happened when I no longer loved or hated him. I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I woke up one morning and realized life can be good and doesn't have to be lived down in a stinkin' cesspool of misery with an active addict or a dry drunk.

WhatAboutME

I was going to ask the same question as Denny57 about your reference to 13-stepping.

venusinlibra

When I say 13 stepping...it means he doesn't go to meetings anymore.

venusinlibra

Prodigal I needed that. I had to laugh...I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sometimes I feel like I have lost the woman I was. I never use to put up with crap like this...maybe I am addicted to him and my rational self does not know why. The one silver cloud in all of this...it has gotten me to Alanon. The program is helping me to deal with childhood issues and this relationship got me there. Maybe that was the purpose.
Thanks for your support.

Rella927

It took me a loooooooooooooooooooong time to answer your question to stop going over and over in my head what I needed to do (I needed to do)hmmm wrong!! by wrong I mean I should not have had to be the only one working so hard) in order to keep our relationship together and "I know it will get better" he is in counseling now-he is going to AA-RIGHT! I had been in counseling dealing with childhood issues but not really applying or rather allowing it to sink in-because I was to busy trying to "fix" him and our realationship.(What relationship???) I wasted so much time waiting for it to get better and then realized I was the one that needed to get better-and that this man may see the day when he does or not it was not my job to wait around any longer-I lost who I was and I needed to find me.

LOVE HIM? Yes of course we love our A's. FormerDoorMat is a prime example of what loving an A is.....(read some of her posts as they are truly motivating) we can love them but not allow them to consume US and LOOSE who we are!

You say that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired-? Maybe it is time to do for you now-and let him do for himself! I now am on the road of finding my total self again and it is hard but worth every step of the way! Also you mention "addicted" to him. That could be a possibilty-I was addicted to the chaos and drama of it all-and now-I see I cannot live life like that it is not worth it-

Have you looked into Al-Anon? Just a thought.....and what Anvilhead stated I believe is what I always was told about the 13 stepping.

((((hugs))))

hbb

Some people are just plain jerks with or without alcohol.

Mine appears to be a dry drunk as well. This is what i found out with my Xrabf......the drunk jerk is also the sober jerk....

Rella927

DITTO

mine as well-and still lies!

chrisea

Seems like there are alot of these guys... unfortunetly ...... Big Jerks and that's putting it nicely. It always took me way too long to figure it out. This time, it's taking a long time to try again, if ever... On my own, financially stable (again) and Loving it!!!