C_n_S

I am a newly sober man (3/17/03 - age 49) who is struggling with my daughter in law who seems to now be making up for the drinks I am not having.

She & my grandson live with me so this is an in your face kind of experience for me. The narcissism, the manipulative behavior - such as picking fights, leaving messes, not coming home, etc. are what made me look for more input. I am totally at a loss for how I should procede. It would be the easiest thing to simply send her packing - but then my grandson suffers. Knowing that I will protect him she procedes as she wishes. It is a maddening catch 22.

Somewhere I must find an effective approach that wll protect my grandson yet stop enabling her.

Any & all suggestions are welcome.

Ann

C_n_S

Welcome to our forums, and congratulations on your sobriety.

Yours is a tricky situation. Sadly, it appears the grandchild is the hostage/negotiating tool here and his safety matters most, since he is the only one here who has no options.

My suggestion would be to keep notes and dates, when her behaviour is such that she could not be a good mother. I suggest this in case you ever have to fight her for custody. And do what you can to ensure the safety of this child. (I am presuming that your son is not involved in this situation. Please correct me if I am wrong).

And I would suggest Al-Anon meetings, even if you already go to AA. The steps are the same but the issues are different and many people like you do both.

I also would recommend setting boundaries about what is acceptable in your home. It is YOUR home and you have every right to peace and serenity there, regardless of what she feels entitled to. My son, an addict lived with me (unsuccessfully) and I know the chaos that can erupt in a situation like ours.

Read the "sticky" posts at the top of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and hopefully you will get some strength and support from them too.

And please feel free to post here as often as you like.

My prayers go out for you and your family.

C_n_S

Hello Ann. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have started that behavior log but hope it will never come to that. However, one must prepare for all eventualities I suppose.

I am currently in an early recovery program which includes anger management. I spoke with my counselor today regarding this situation and she also suggested Al Anon as well as a family group that the program runs. I will take her up on that next Tuesday. As for Al Anon, I will look into it then.

My daughter came home at 2:30 PM and was apparently expecting me to be enraged by her behavior. By then I was just relieved to see her. I quietly spoke with her about her wasting her talents & potential by anesthetizing them. How this is stealing from her son. I spoke about her needing to have a sense of self outside her role as mother to her son. In short I tried to emphasize her good qualities and how she can have a more fufilled life.

While I seriously doubt that this conversation was a magic pill (bad comparison?) but it was - at least a starting point for a more constyructive approach by me. In short, I didn't lose my composure and fan the flames of knee jerk defenseiveness on her part.

I can't know what might work, but at least it buys my grandson some time with, hopefully, some peace.