AskingWhy

AW's parents have always been very nice to me. I thought we had a good relationship as we've always laughed, talked and even discussed AW and her heavy drinking at times...but never to the extent that they thought it was bad enough to act on it.

Anyway, we've been married two years. Last week, her parents decided to ask her to go away for a week with them on vacation. They made it clear to her that it was just her..not me, not her brother or any other family member.

Since then, they've both asked me if I'd be mad if they took her away for a week. I'm not mad, but I am hurt by it. I've stood by and gone through hell with AW and have been nothing but supportive by her parents. It does hurt my feelings they didn't want to include me in their trip.

Am I over-reacting?

Astro

Just a thought, but I don't think it's about you, nor does it have anything to do with you.

Maybe they'd just like some time alone with their daughter and nobody else? My kids are very young, but there are times when I like to have some special time with just my daughter, and vice-versa with my son.

I wouldn't take it personally, and I think it was pretty considerate that they asked you what your feelings were.

MsPINKAcres

It's hard to read another person's mind, and I don't know how old you & your wife are, but if you are still young - maybe your in-laws are thinking that if they take their daughter away from it all - then maybe they can get her attention about her drinking?

If you have a good relationship with them, can you ask them if everything is ok or if you have upset them in anyway? Maybe offer that you are just trying to keep the lines of communication open with them.

It might not be about you - it might be about her & her behaviors.

Hope you are able to be at peace with this soon,

Rita

AskingWhy

From what they said, they aren't upset with me....and they do know she is a heavy drinker. They said they wanted to take her away and spoil her for a week. I just wasn't sure how to deal with it since nothing like this has happened with me before and I didn't want to make a mess out of it.

Astro

How about using that extra time alone to focus on your recovery, maybe take in some extra Al-Anon or CoDA meetings? Or maybe you could take a trip too, do something nice just for yourself?

CarolD

My son and I do have a special time alone
each week.
And we have taken trips that would not be
interesting to his wife.
She also has alone time with her adult
children...trips that my son is not invited
to join.

Just because you are married does not
mean that special bond between
parents and off spring is cut.

I do hope you can find peace with this.

It's not about you

lostnfound1961

It could be that they want to talk to her about her drinking. You know, mom and dad to their little girl.

AskingWhy

Thank you all...your advice has been especially insightful. In some way, it has really opened my eyes.

sthrnraizd

I would agree I do not think this is about you. But a great chance fo ryou to work on yourself, do somehting special for you, treat yourself! You've done good by her, now do good by you! Let her parents take her, look at it as them doing you a favor by giving you time just for yourself......it raelly can be a good time ;-)

LGLG07

when I first read this I thought , how lovely .. you are putting up with the crap and she gets rewarded with a week vacation to get spoiled !

Maybe thats how you felt too ?

But I do agree with everyone . It may not seem fair because of the circumstances but her parents certainly have the right to go away with their daughter . I dont think it has anything to do with you and it might not have anything to do with her disease either .

Do something you enjoy ! I would love to have a week to myself !

Spiritual Seeker

Tell them to have a good time. I travel with just my mom, my husband takes trips with his grown children, sometimes I travel with gal friends. It is important to nourish all of our relationships and allow our spouse freedom to grow all relationships. There will be other trips for your whole family. Maybe you can visit with your own family that week.

minnie

Whenever I have been in long term relationships, I have always had time on my own wth my parents, including vacations. Regardless of whether I am with someone, I am still a whole person in my own right and I like to spend time with my family, and they do with me. I have to say, though, that it did cause some problems with my last ex, but that was to do with his issues.

Perhaps they feel that some one-on-one time might make a difference to your wife? What if that is the case?

aztchr

Maybe it's a blessing that you'll have time for yourself. Think of it as a vacation for you, too.

Mr. Christian

The real question is why your wife would go without you?
I think you need to look at that.

AskingWhy

Trust me...I am and have looked at that Mr.C. I don't have any answers...

denny57

I see nothing wrong with two people in a committed relationship spending time doing separate things. JMHO.

cagefree

I thought about this too. If this were my XABF and if I was you I would be po'd. Thing is my ex withdrew emotionally and wound up doing nothing but coming home from work, watching TV and mowing the lawn in his free time (and drinking behind my back when I wasn't looking). I was angry because the one time he would decide to take a break from couch potato yoga or cuting grass or sawing trees, I knew he would spend it in a place, without me where his odds of drinking and me not knowing were increased.

I was neglected as his girlfriend and jealous of his other girlfriend - alcohol. I hardly ever got any attention and she filled his mind all of the time - and that's why.

Are you over-reacting...no, your feelings are your own and very real to you. Figuring out why you feel the way you do is where working on you helps big time.

MsGolightly

i think going on separate vacations is incredibly healthy for couples.

it will give you both a chance to regain "yourselves" and show you that you're not entirely dependent on someone else. i think it's unreasonable to think that once you've entered into a relationship, you have to do everything together. this could be very good for both you, her, and the relationship her parents have with her.

it's not like your parents are asking her to go on vacation with them... leaving you to sit at home.