8675309

A couple weeks ago I posted about my fears of going on vacation with my AH who I have been seperated from for 2 months. I agreed to go on the vacation for our son's sake prior to my AH moving out since it had already been planned and paid for.

I'm here to say that I stayed strong in my convictions. The first couple days of the trip were rather tough. When we arrived, our son became sick from heat exhaustion and slept for a good 12 hours. That night I told the AH I was planning to sleep with our son to keep an eye on him. There were no issues, he went to the other room without incident.

The second night however wasn't quite so pleasant. I was going to bed and he asked me if I wanted company. I told him no and went to bed. The next day was not fun at all. I was snubed with attitude early in the morning and enduring snide comments (in front of our 7 year old) by the afternoon. The evening came and he apologized for his actions. I explained my expectations of the trip and he explained his. They were VERY different.

My thought was to get along and give a nice time to our son without focusing on "us". His were to re-kindle the "spark" (what spark) and renew our wedding vows. WOW! After this conversation the rest of the week went much better. We slept seperately and got along.

I still believe he has VERY high hopes for us but I don't feel there is much hope for us after all that has happened.

The funny thing, discussion of the drinking being a problem for me is not a new thing. I was very clear the end of last year when we had a big discussion. As he was dening that his drinking had anything to do with our problems, I told him that I would put up with it for as long as I could and then when I am done, I am done. Now that I feel done, he wants to make things right, cut down on the drinking (that won't last long, been there done that) and move back home.

The problem is, the damage has been done. We have been together for 17 years and another woman (just a friend according to him) came into the picture. Mind you, there were many lies and lots of deception. There are some things I can't go for. I'm not sure that I can forgive or trust him again. I'm also not sure that I want to at this point. I have lots of anger and resentment that I need to deal with.

I am attending Alanon meetings when I am able (have childcare) and want to continue to focus on keeping myself healthy. The toughest thing is dealing with my son's questions and emotions. I am doing my best to stay strong and be truthful with him without too much detail but boy is it hard.

duet_4-8

You sound very level-headed to me. All your feelings are understandable and your life is your own to decide what to do with. It sounds to me like you are in a pretty good place right now to be able to figure out what that is. Keep your boundaries strong and focus on yourself and your child. You are doing great!

8675309

Update - I just stopped home for lunch and found a dozen roses on the dining room table thanking me for last week. He states that last week helped him realize what is important in his life. I don't get it. The roses didn't make me feel happy at all, in fact it made me want to cry. This is so confusing. I don't know what to think. Is this part of the manipulation tactic? Because now I'm feeling guilty for the way I feel about things.

Any insight is appreciated.

Barbara52

I'd say manipulation is a good part of it.

I feel for you, knowing how difficult it is to stay strong and determined to detach. Maintain the boundaries you have set and let yourself heal some.

GlassPrisoner

Probably not. He knows he has a problem , he knows he wants you back in his life. He's an active alcoholic, and our brains just don't work right when we're in our cups. Our perceptions and decision makng capabilities are skewed.

In all probablity, it most likely makes perfect sense to him. I 've done the same thing, or a variation thereof.

parentrecovers

it's nice to hear that you continue to exercise your power of choice. blessings, k

LaTeeDa

It could be manipulation, desperation, or even that he has seen the error of his ways. The only way to know for sure is to give it time. Actions, over the long haul, speak way louder than words or one-time gestures. My husband is clean and sober now, and after two years of separation, I believe he truly does regret all the things that were his part in the undoing of our marriage. Even when they do change and are sincere in their regret, sometimes it's just too late.

Instead of trying to figure out his motivation, you would do well to follow your own instincts and do whatever is best for you.

L

guineapigjude

He may even realize that you are moving on, and be desperate to try and get you back. I went through a lot of the same sort of thing, where XAH would get scared when he knew I was fed up and try his darndest to mend fences. In our case, the "other woman", alcohol, eventually took him over completely, and I don't know if he'll ever get away from it. Your AH may or may not be different, but you'll never be able to figure out why he does what he does. All you can be sure of is you, so trust yourself.