Cynay

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Insisting on the Best

We deserve the best life and love has to offer, but we are each faced with the challenge of learning to identify what that means in our life. We must each come to grips with our own understanding of what we believe we deserve, what we want, and whether we are receiving it.

There is only one place to start, and that is right where we are, in our current circumstances. The place we begin is with us.

What hurts? What makes us angry? What are we whining and complaining about? Are we discounting how much a particular behavior is hurting us? Are we making excuses for the other person, telling ourselves we're "too demanding"?

Are we reluctant, for a variety of reasons, especially fear, to tackle the issues in our relationships that may be hurting us? Do we know what's hurting us and do we know that we have a right to stop our pain, if we want to do that?

We can begin the journey from deprived to deserving. We can start it today. We can also be patient and gentle with ourselves as we travel in important increments from believing we deserve second best, to knowing in our hearts that we deserve the best, and taking responsibility for that.

Today, I will pay attention to how I allow people to treat me, and how I feel about that. I will also watch how I treat others. I will not overreact by taking their issues too personally and too seriously; I will not under react by denying that certain behaviors are inappropriate and not acceptable to me.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

hbb

Cynay,
This very point has been a tramendous struggle for me the past couple of weeks. I've had no contact since the 4th of july with my xrabf other than he left me a vmail that Sunday and i never responded or acknowledged the call. How do you let go? I've been taking big steps in my life these past couple of weeks with Al Anon and therapy but just can't seem to shake that feeling that i'm not going to talk to him again or he's not going to realize we had a really great relationship and how supportive, loving and caring I was. Do you think that some men can't/don't appreciate someone who has it together, caring, supportive, all those qualities? Which I know by his actions i shouldn't want him back but i do miss him alot and every day seems to be a struggle. I thought I would be alot better by now but can't seem to shake wondering where, what, how he's doing and wondering if he's thinking of me. I know i shouldn't but can't help it.

Everyone tells me "you'll meet someone who deserves you" but i don't want that, I want to be with my X and sort through those problems. There are alot of issues other than drinking which makes it hard but i just love him so much.....Any thoughts, do i hold on to the very very hurtful things he recently did to keep me in check, I believe not responding to his call was the best thing but so hard to grasp.

thanks for listening....
heather

cookconfay

I do know how hard it is to "not respond" and to "not call"!! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers

MsGolightly

hbb, i think letting go, as painful as it is, is the only way for you to move on and really see the whole picture. i'm willing to bet you (real money!) that a year from now, if you haven't had contact with him, you'll look back on your relationship with him and wonder why the heck you held on for so long. you'll wish you would have let go sooner. and most of all, you'll see that you really didn't want to be with someone who treated you badly (or less than what you deserved). you'll see that he did you a favor.

it all just takes time and distance. letting go is hard and painful, but it very well could be the best thing you've ever done for yourself.

hbb

Thank you Inthis, i know your right, everyone's so right but getting i my thick head. To be completely honest, it's not even so much him, it's the thought if he gets back with his X is what is TEARING me up inside. I know i shouldn't be wasting my time and energy on "her" if there is something going on but i'm going crazy. I was just out at lunch and got teared up once again. Why can't i take the info i do have, he took a break with me, snuck away with his ex and then denied anything going on and hopes to talk soon.....why can't i get mad for longer than 2 seconds......i read all these people that get so much better, i'm a lost cause in the getting better department i feel

MsGolightly

you know, i thought that my ex ending up with the person she cheated on me with would destroy me. they live together this summer, about 50 feet from my apartment, and i'm doing much better than i ever thought i would be. it was almost a blessing in disguise. it was incredibly hard at first, i cried and cried and i still have times that i cry a lot, but i've given up. i can't change what's happened, i don't want someone back that has the nerve to lie to me or to hurt me, and every day i let more and more of my relationship go.

it's not easy, but i promise that it does get better. i told someone else today that i used to think about my ex 100% of the time. now, it's a lot less. like, 10%. sometimes a day will go by and i realize i never even thought about her at all! it took about 6 months for me to get here... and you will too. i promise.

hbb

Thanks, i know, i've been through this before with a much much longer X but there wasn't alcohol involved and recovery and standing by day to day and so much involvement. I guess i could have grasped it better if he was just honest and said things weren't working instead of all the lying and cheating and nastiness. I'm a firm believer of what goes around, comes around. I certainly hope he follows through recovery and doesn't slip but i guess i just learned who his "true colors" are as sober J. I also heard that they revert back to their age of starting drinking, so we're talking a 17 year old.....SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT!!! Its still fresh for me, only a week at a time without contact in a month. I never get a long time without any......not by my doing though

kglast

(((hbb))) I have to tell you, what ITFM says is true- I am not quite where she is yet but I do wake up some days and realize after an hour or so that he was not the first thing on my mind when I woke up...it is CRAZY when that first happens...or the time I actually got through the entire grocery store/shopping and realized when I was home putting the food away that I didn't think about him once during shopping (the grocery store is always tough for me for some strange reason...sappy music, seeing couples shopping together, maybe??)

In my experience, no contact was the only thing that made that possible....hang in there!

hbb

Thank you KG, and from what i read and commented on earlier, your so right and you did exactly that yourself!! I do find i talk about him alot still and i think that's the problem because it's "keeping him alive" in my head because he is the first thing i think about waking up and last going to sleep. I am able to laugh a bit more and do get distracted more easy.

I actually came to the conclusion that if we DID get back together and got married down the road that we would DEFINATELY be divorced. I say it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. We are just not a good fit and not meant to be, i'm healthy and he's DEFINATELY NOT and doesn't want to get better for himself or me. It's a tough reality but the more i read here, the more the outcomes unfortunately are similar with A's and recovering A's......thanks for supporting me, it's nice to have friends that understand

heather

MsGolightly

kg, i didn't even realize that i've stopped thinking about my ex first thing when i wake up, too... wow!

hbb, i'm so glad you came to the realization that you would end up divorced. i can look back on things now and see that maybe things weren't as perfect as i thought they were at the time. i was trying to make something happen that just wasn't meant to be. you're gonna get through this ... i'm positive of it!

kglast

thank God for you guys and SR!!