Mair

I have detached from my abf now for 6 days (wow good for me). And until today i thought i was doing really well, ive had no contact with him at all, it's wierd cos today i'm starting to feel like im greiving that he's dead or something and i'm finding it really hard being on my own .

Last Sunday he went drinking i knew it would be one of those hard drinking days and the sick feeling i had in my stomach confirmed this. He never made it home that night, he sent me a text in the morning saying "just let me out, phone you later", i heard nothing from him for two days apparently he'd hit a policman and they put him in the cells for the night. I told him no more. Im sick of it every month he destroys everthing. So why in God's name am i missing him? I am getting stronger i think? Well i thought i was until today, ive been crying like a silly woman all day. Please knock some sense into this silly welsh womans head. Thank you for reading this.

CE Girl

Hey Mair, welcome to SR!!!

Wasn't too long ago, I was excatly where you are. Hell, still am at times

Your grieving. Pretty simple. It's a loss and your gonna go through the "stages"

I've expereinced, sadness, anger, denial, lonliness, acceptance. And everyhting in between. Sometimes I even go back and "redo" one of the levels. Much to my chagrin,,lol. I spent the first week, CRYING until I couldn't cry anymore. And I was SO angry at my A for making me so sad and leaving me no other choice but to save myself.

Stick around. If you haven't already done so, read the sitckys at the top fo the page.

And stay strong for YOU!!!

Others more smarter than me will be along,,,,he,he,he

Peace

Mair

Thanks CE Girl, it's just a horrible feeling, im sat here wondering how he's feeling then i remember he's probably DRUNK lol... See you made me feel better already your pretty smart.

M

ARealLady

Hey Mair! It's Sunday afternoon here. Haven't heard a word from STBXABF all day but that's getting to be par for the course. Of course he's drinking or feeling like crap today because he tied one on yesterday after a sober phone call to me. I know he was out doing the grocery run aka stock up on wine/beer.

Initially, before I really began to understand how the disease works, I tiptoed around him all the time and made myself feel worse. I allowed him to blame me and others for his binges and backsliding. Shed your tears for what was but know that YOU are better off without him until HE has worked a programme for at least one year. Then? Who knows? But you don't need the man he is today!

Stay strong! No contact is a good boundary for you!

ARL

Mair

Working a programme i wish ARL!!! He has no problem apparently, it's because his son is smoking pot, it's because his father died 2 years ago, it's because it's raining!! and yes ive heard it all. He said to me that i always abandon ship when things get rough for him, and it used to give me a good old guilt trip. But when the same old excuses come up they get pretty boring.

Only one one occassion has he admitted that he's an alcoholic, but he was drunk when he said it so i think he cant remember telling me. I bought him "under the influence" book and read it myself first what an eye opener, it is gathering dust in his room.

He is such a lovely man when sober and i love him too bits, but he leaves me no choice.

Ive written a letter to him today explaining my feelings and i felt better for it but i havent posted it I'm thinking should i send it or throw it in the bin?

ARealLady

If you send it, Mair, have NO expectations that anything will change on his side of things. On the other hand, writing your feelings down helps YOU, doesn't it? I sometimes journal my immediate gut responses to situations and it's good to have those thoughts handy for later if I feel myself weakening at all.

I am getting to the point where I am going to have to write my own letter to end my relationship, once and for all, with STBXABF. Something is stopping me. Some fear. Fear of???

ARL

Mair

Fear of regret if he ever makes it to sobriety, fear of being alone, fear of never seeing his sober face again, fear of making him worse, fear of never falling in love again.. the list is endless isnt it.

Three weeks ago i walked away from him (again) he rang me and lucky for him my daughter answered the phone, he couldn't breathe and was begging me to go to him. He was sober that day, i went there to find him on the floor fighting for breath, i took him to the hospital where they told him he had pneumonia and pluerecy he was in hospital for 8 days. Then i dawned on me my god what if i hadnt answered the phone just like im doing now.. that scares me. by the way when he got out he went for a drink his excuse was "ive been in for 8 days". i went home tierd and deflated. I will send this letter i think, for ME. Thank you.

Mx

hbb

Hi Mair, welcome! I know how you feel, it's been about a month for me and my boyfriend left me after helping, loving and supporting him and he's six months sober. You will go through a million phases, i thought i was past crying but just got home from my parents sobbbbbbing all afternoon. It totally is like a death, but it's a process and you will feel mad soon i'm sure. I've been there too, can't really stick with angry like i would like to though! Anyway, your here and there's a TON of support on here and i guess like the other stories, guess we should be lucky we are not married to them. I'm thinking of you

heather

p.s. my xbf left me a message last sunday about dropping off my stuff and hoping to talk soon...there's nothing to say to him and i agree with the others, no contact IS the only way, as much as it KILLS me not to call him back, he's wrong and a jerk and i can't subject myself to any more abuse from him.....hang in there.

CE Girl

"Nothing Changes if nothing changes"

Mair, A Real Lady, FEAR is preventing you from "changing"

We can "what if" ourselves into the toilet with our A's

Or

We can change what we've been doing that hasn't WORKED!!

So , let me ask ya Mair? Do you think your A woulda laid on that floor and not called SOMEONE else if you did not come running?

And A Real Lady. I can SO relate to you. My relationship with my A was "long distance". And he used to do "sober calls, emails" to me too. After so many drunken conversations, guess he got smart enough not to call me when he was toast Sometimes he'd take a calcualted risk and call after a "few". But when I tried to call him, SURPRISE, he didn't respond!!!!Freakin SICK!! How can you use the excuse "I was drunk" when reminded of an assinine thing he did, then turn around and be so cunning that he can be in his disease enough to figure out how to fool!!!

And frankly, WHAT THE HELL Is wrong with us to put up with it?!?!?!?!?

Peace

ARealLady

CEGirl...As are cunning...that's a good word to describe their behaviour when they are refusing to get the help they need but pretending that all is normal.

When I stated my boundaries with STBXABF a few months ago after his drunken visit here, he said that the future we had discussed and planned BEFORE he went completely off the deep end was just "smoke and mirrors"....more cunningness. I pointed out to him that HE had control over that outcome and that that was his interpretation of what everyone else saw as his alcoholism.

Re the fear....I am getting stronger. Reading here helps me so much. I will let you know when I have completely signed off with him. Counting days now...I hope!

ARL

kglast

Hi Mair - ((((())))) - so sorry you are in so much pain. I have been there too....I wrote so many letters that I didn't send. The one I finally did send I wrote after several weeks of not seeing him and several weeks of being here, on SR, reading, posting and getting stronger....IMO, put the letter away for a week or two and re-read it then...you might feel quite differently by then. hang in there!

Zoey

I would suspect he wouldn't read it, and I would forever wonder.
I have a male friend with 20 years of excellent recovery, but when he gets a letter from a gal, he throws it aside as he thinks he knows what everyone is thinking, and what they are going to say.

If they read while under the influence they won't remember or they will twist it.

just my thoughts.

redbear

I had to walk away from the father of my little girl, he was nice when sober, mean and nasty drunk and hung over...and the fun days were when he was coming down from crystal meth. It was the hardest thing I ever did because my lil girl does not have her bio dad and I don't have the man I thought I would stay with forever...I gave myself self a year to completely care for myself and lil girl, no men no him...I felt like I lost myself and grieved for awhile over myself and him...it does get better...find things that are going to be good for you...Sunday night movie night with a couple of girlfriends....beachday with friday...thursday nite cooking class....aquatic arobics at the YWCA....and please check on-line for Alanon meetings in your area...it really does help and the friends you will meet there are life saving in its self. take care

StandingStrong

Just another thought for you - that I learned from my own experience. In hindsite, I realize that often-times when I thought I was missing my A - it really wasn't him that I was missing. I was missing having a companion, I was missing the familiar, I was missing alot of things - but not always him.

Once he asked me if I missed him and I said "no, not really" andhe was hurt and couldn't understand after all those yeras, how could I not miss him? I explained to him that he wasn't home a whole lot anyways, I didn't miss the not knowing on a daily basis if this was going to be another day of drinking and what came with that, I didn't have the insecurity of never knowing anything anymore, nor having my feelings dismissed or the verbal abuse that came. There were many things that I didn't miss - which is what made me take a really good look at what I thought I was missing.

For me - yes, I may have missed him. But I also came to realize that I didn't miss the man that I'd kicked out - I missed the man that I'd married years ago - or the man that I thought he was back then. Truthfully, I didn't miss the man that he'd become.

Sometimes when we grief, we have a way of making things out to be a little better than they were. Our minds (and hearts) forget the bad things - it's a way of survival, I believe. Grieving is normal. And we go through alot of phases through the processes.

Hope you're doing better today.

hbb

Your so right Standingstrong....i said those same words today, it's not always that i miss HIM, it's i miss the companionship, the partner, the person to sleep next to at night and the person i loved. When my xrabf came over for the last time and we ended things, he looked so cute on the outside but his INSIDE made him soooo unattractive and ugly. I only wish he could have seen himself. It's amazing how someone you could love so much could hurt you so badly in the end.

I go back and forth EVERYDAY but like the ladies have said, each day does get a little better and you do laugh a little more. Al Anon and therapy have been my backbone for the past month. Hang in there i know it's the hardest thing you will probably ever go through but there IS light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there. Grieve, be sad, be mad, be all of those things, it truly is the process.

heather

denny57

Detaching is not just removing myself physically from someone. All your posts still focus on him. I had to focus on me and my own recovery, separate from what he was doing, thinking or being. Al-Anon is a great program to gain the tools for this. It works if you work it. Good luck!

Mair

Thank you so much for all your replies, today is Monday a new day it's 8am here in Wales and it's raining. Im off to work in a while, and im going live a normal life today i hope and think of tedious things like what's for dinner. A week today i was thinking about him and what disaster did he caused this time. What a difference!!! I think ive spent so much time around him ive forgotten how to think about me.

It's so good talking to you all even though your all probably sleeping xxxxxx

M

Barbara52

I just left my AH and while my most prominent emotions are peace and gladness, I am also mourning the end of my marriage. I am fighting the little demon voices that keep telling me to deposit some money in the bank and to not be so tough on him. But I listen to the wise woman in my head more often. I know I need to cut him off emotionally, financially, in everyway to move forward in my recovery and healing.

It would be unreasonable to expect ourselves not to mourn a very real loss, even if that loss if by choice and the right thing to do.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, mair. addiction is hard to be around, i understand. blessings, k