Coming To Terms
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 16
Coming To Terms
I have very recently admitted to myself that the man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with is an alcoholic. Awareness of this, the letting go of denial has felt like something inside of me has died because I am all too aware of what this means for a future with this man.
I feel as though my vibration inside is all messed up from the months and months of lying to myself about the gravity of the situation, and I have a little guilt for enabling him to continue on this path. About a month ago I began to question why he would not introduce me to his family, and only selected coworkers and friends. Since we intended to move in together, and I have a minor child I began to relate that I did not see how I could take that step without meeting his family. His behavior began to change toward me, he became insulting, more controlling, and basically he ended up breaking it off with me in such a way that seems to be designed to cause the most emotional kind of negative impact that there is. There have been emails in which he promises to call, and then never does. There are emails in which he states that we have to become "friends", and yet he still wants to know what I do with my time and demands to know this information as a condition of "friendship" with me.
It was at this point that I began adding two plus two, and it equaled four. He sent me a rather hurtful email about my acceptance of the end of the relationship... and I sent him back one in which I addressed all the behavior that led me to the conclusion that he has a problem with alcohol. He never responded.
I suppose I worry that I may have made the situation worse. I worry that something bad will happen to him. I worry that he will contact me and attempt to charm me back into a relationship with him... I am filled with worries. At first there was this sense of relief that I was honest with him and myself for the first time in months... but I suppose I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I tell myself that I will have dodged a bullet if he chooses to never contact me again... it will be out of my hands. The other part of me worries that he may never contact me again. I know these thoughts are not productive, they just are....
There is also the little seed of hope that he gets help... as remote as that hope is, it is one I still have.
I just feel alone.
I feel as though my vibration inside is all messed up from the months and months of lying to myself about the gravity of the situation, and I have a little guilt for enabling him to continue on this path. About a month ago I began to question why he would not introduce me to his family, and only selected coworkers and friends. Since we intended to move in together, and I have a minor child I began to relate that I did not see how I could take that step without meeting his family. His behavior began to change toward me, he became insulting, more controlling, and basically he ended up breaking it off with me in such a way that seems to be designed to cause the most emotional kind of negative impact that there is. There have been emails in which he promises to call, and then never does. There are emails in which he states that we have to become "friends", and yet he still wants to know what I do with my time and demands to know this information as a condition of "friendship" with me.
It was at this point that I began adding two plus two, and it equaled four. He sent me a rather hurtful email about my acceptance of the end of the relationship... and I sent him back one in which I addressed all the behavior that led me to the conclusion that he has a problem with alcohol. He never responded.
I suppose I worry that I may have made the situation worse. I worry that something bad will happen to him. I worry that he will contact me and attempt to charm me back into a relationship with him... I am filled with worries. At first there was this sense of relief that I was honest with him and myself for the first time in months... but I suppose I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I tell myself that I will have dodged a bullet if he chooses to never contact me again... it will be out of my hands. The other part of me worries that he may never contact me again. I know these thoughts are not productive, they just are....
There is also the little seed of hope that he gets help... as remote as that hope is, it is one I still have.
I just feel alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Aww, hon, you are not alone. We're all here!!!
I used to think that the problem was alcohol. Then it dawned on me that I had an issue with the behaviour. Whilst I went through a long period of trying to understand why he behaved in that way, the bottom line was that I deserved better. The reasons why he was a jerk didn't change the fact that he was a jerk.
Why would I want to be with a partner who insulted me? Heck, I would not be friends with someone who purposefully insulted me, so why would someone like that be even considered as my partner? Likewise, there are red flags flying if I am not able to meet their family. Someone who has nothing to hide would let me make my own mind up if there were some odd family dynamics, rather that do everything to stop me "finding out". I would suggest that the finding out was about him, not them.
Making things worse? Well, you could make it "better" but only to the detriment of you and your child and it would only be temporary anyway. What has happened os just a consequence of his actions - we all face those, so most of us choose our actions with care. Others don't and have to reap what they sow.
Glad you have joined us. There are some good stickies at the top of the page. Have you considered any counselling for yourself to sort through some of this stuff?
IMHO, you have had a lucky escape.
I used to think that the problem was alcohol. Then it dawned on me that I had an issue with the behaviour. Whilst I went through a long period of trying to understand why he behaved in that way, the bottom line was that I deserved better. The reasons why he was a jerk didn't change the fact that he was a jerk.
Why would I want to be with a partner who insulted me? Heck, I would not be friends with someone who purposefully insulted me, so why would someone like that be even considered as my partner? Likewise, there are red flags flying if I am not able to meet their family. Someone who has nothing to hide would let me make my own mind up if there were some odd family dynamics, rather that do everything to stop me "finding out". I would suggest that the finding out was about him, not them.
Making things worse? Well, you could make it "better" but only to the detriment of you and your child and it would only be temporary anyway. What has happened os just a consequence of his actions - we all face those, so most of us choose our actions with care. Others don't and have to reap what they sow.
Glad you have joined us. There are some good stickies at the top of the page. Have you considered any counselling for yourself to sort through some of this stuff?
IMHO, you have had a lucky escape.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle, wa
Posts: 118
I so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Today is exactly 3 mos since the breakup with my ex fiance A. The road your on will contain spurs, and tears, but please remember as I have today. That our choice is that of LIFE and yours will become so much better if you focus on you. And move ahead with you. The harest thing I had to realize is that I couldnt do anything for him....nor was it my place.
Keep SR close, we are here for you!~
Keep SR close, we are here for you!~
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 9
I recognize these feelings....
My ABF goes back and forth between admitting that things in his surroundings need to change in order for him to reach his goal of quitting drinking and thinking he can quit by himself while still hanging out at the same places and the same people as his did when he was drinking--which of course lead to him drinking.
I'm suddenly staring in the face of the possibility that I can no longer be with this person because he is not yet ready to be fully committed to his recovery. The thought of not having him in my life is scary. He never drinks when he and I are together so I really get to be with him when he's at his best. This has kept me dreaming of the great person he would be "if he just quit drinking". Being here, on SR, has helped me understand that this is a thought that we all have--the "if onlys". And that we could spend forever waiting for him to become that "great person".
For me, it's a matter of not understanding why he would choose a day of drinking over a day spent with me doing something fun--when he's been so adamant about wanting to quit and, here I am, offering him an alternative. It makes me feel rejected. Rejected by someone I sometimes feel superior to since I do not have the addiction, and I do not make my loved one feel secondary to my addiction. That may be unfair but I just cannot understand why they do it. .. Why they continue to partake in something that they know is so terrible for them, that makes them hurt people, and that generally lowers their overall quality of life.
You mention "worry" a lot in your post. I worry a lot too. I worry about what he's doing when I can't be with him, I worry that he won't ever recover from his addiction. I simultaneously worry that I'll have to tell him I can't be with him any more, but that when I do so, he won't fight for me...fight to keep me.
I'm still trying to decide if that is about insecurity or about control.
My ABF goes back and forth between admitting that things in his surroundings need to change in order for him to reach his goal of quitting drinking and thinking he can quit by himself while still hanging out at the same places and the same people as his did when he was drinking--which of course lead to him drinking.
I'm suddenly staring in the face of the possibility that I can no longer be with this person because he is not yet ready to be fully committed to his recovery. The thought of not having him in my life is scary. He never drinks when he and I are together so I really get to be with him when he's at his best. This has kept me dreaming of the great person he would be "if he just quit drinking". Being here, on SR, has helped me understand that this is a thought that we all have--the "if onlys". And that we could spend forever waiting for him to become that "great person".
For me, it's a matter of not understanding why he would choose a day of drinking over a day spent with me doing something fun--when he's been so adamant about wanting to quit and, here I am, offering him an alternative. It makes me feel rejected. Rejected by someone I sometimes feel superior to since I do not have the addiction, and I do not make my loved one feel secondary to my addiction. That may be unfair but I just cannot understand why they do it. .. Why they continue to partake in something that they know is so terrible for them, that makes them hurt people, and that generally lowers their overall quality of life.
You mention "worry" a lot in your post. I worry a lot too. I worry about what he's doing when I can't be with him, I worry that he won't ever recover from his addiction. I simultaneously worry that I'll have to tell him I can't be with him any more, but that when I do so, he won't fight for me...fight to keep me.
I'm still trying to decide if that is about insecurity or about control.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Julia & Sommer, i feel your pain.....
I said to my friend today, that i wish my xrabf would fight for me, everything he and i have been through with his recovery, loving him, caring for him, supporting him....why aren't i worth fighting for? Is the grass greener or are some of these guys the type that they feel they don't deserve better than their past? They want the woman that will treat them like crap, and are not worthy of better......my only guess??
I said to my friend today, that i wish my xrabf would fight for me, everything he and i have been through with his recovery, loving him, caring for him, supporting him....why aren't i worth fighting for? Is the grass greener or are some of these guys the type that they feel they don't deserve better than their past? They want the woman that will treat them like crap, and are not worthy of better......my only guess??
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I don't know about anyone else, but I gave a heck of a lot of help without being asked. Then bitched about it when it wasn't accepted. I thought I knew best.....
Welcome to you too, Summer. I too went through the "am I not good enough to stop drinking for?" thing. Truth is, no. Because I didn't provide the salve that alcohol did. And alcohol didn't give the salve that a partner did, which is why me ex is never alone. Until he learns to provide it for himself, the cycle will continue. The fear that the alternative is worse than the here and now is over-riding.
Welcome to you too, Summer. I too went through the "am I not good enough to stop drinking for?" thing. Truth is, no. Because I didn't provide the salve that alcohol did. And alcohol didn't give the salve that a partner did, which is why me ex is never alone. Until he learns to provide it for himself, the cycle will continue. The fear that the alternative is worse than the here and now is over-riding.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 9
I find myself letting the promise of hope of change or progress drown out the hurt feelings and disapointment of him having another drinking day. Even just now, I can say to myself "screw him, I deserve better" but when the phone rang, I was praying it was him.
I'm afraid I'll make things worse if I say "that's it, we're through" then with a little display of progress I'll go back. Then the next time that threat will lose its effectiveness. I guess we can't force them to do anything not to lose us, can we?
I'm afraid I'll make things worse if I say "that's it, we're through" then with a little display of progress I'll go back. Then the next time that threat will lose its effectiveness. I guess we can't force them to do anything not to lose us, can we?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
My ABF goes back and forth between admitting that things in his surroundings need to change in order for him to reach his goal of quitting drinking and thinking he can quit by himself while still hanging out at the same places and the same people as his did when he was drinking--which of course lead to him drinking.
It's not people, places or things around me that have to change, it's Me.
I can't do it by myself.
I have to change my behaivors, including the places I go to and the people I hang out with.
Until your A realizes and embraces this, he is (IMO) hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
The most helpful thing you can do for him, IMO is to step out of the situation for now. Cut off contact. Just be prepared for him to start calling, emailing, and playing mind games with you. It is my firm belief that you have GOT to get out of their way in order to leave them alone with their addiction.
Just the addict and his or her addiction. Nothing else. They'll either die or they'll hit a bottom and seek help. As for you, I believe you have gotten out of your own way in this mess, as we all have in similar situations. Now is the time for you to understand that your HP gave YOU a life. You can only live it; nobody else can do that for you. Get active in Al-Anon, go to open AA meetings, educate yourself by reading about addiction and codependency. Find a good counselor. This is your life. You can invest it in worrying and trying to help an addict - who can only help himself - or you can invest it in your single most valuable asset - YOU.
Just the addict and his or her addiction. Nothing else. They'll either die or they'll hit a bottom and seek help. As for you, I believe you have gotten out of your own way in this mess, as we all have in similar situations. Now is the time for you to understand that your HP gave YOU a life. You can only live it; nobody else can do that for you. Get active in Al-Anon, go to open AA meetings, educate yourself by reading about addiction and codependency. Find a good counselor. This is your life. You can invest it in worrying and trying to help an addict - who can only help himself - or you can invest it in your single most valuable asset - YOU.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Just one more thing ...
If you think you are going to get hurt "from time to time" while he's "sorting" out his recovery, let me share my experience with you. I have been married to two alcoholics. There is nothing I could write on this board that would have sufficient impact on you via cyberspace to tell you what you're in for if you think standing by your man and getting hurt now and then is acceptable.
You are buying a ticket on a one-way trip to he**. Believe me, I've been there not once, but TWICE. It's a progressive disease. I have seen and heard insanity that defies explanation. However, folks on this board who have lived with an A for any period of time know what I'm talking about. Hurt? You will end up with a lot more than hurt if you continue to remain involved with his addiction or his attempts to control it.
Just listen to your initial post. You're worried about this, you're worried about that. What is worrying accomplishing? Give me one good reason for worrying. Worrying equals control. "Why won't he stop drinking?" "What role can I play in helping him to keep from drinking?" "What support can I give him to help him maintain sobriety?" Hon, he's the A, not you. IT IS UP TO HIM TO WORK A PROGRAM AND WANT SOBRIETY AT ANY COST. As many of us have learned the hard way, it's okay to love an addict, but generally it's best to love them at a distance. Step aside. Gain some perspective. Leave his addiction alone - he owns it, not you. Get your focus on Y-O-U.
You are buying a ticket on a one-way trip to he**. Believe me, I've been there not once, but TWICE. It's a progressive disease. I have seen and heard insanity that defies explanation. However, folks on this board who have lived with an A for any period of time know what I'm talking about. Hurt? You will end up with a lot more than hurt if you continue to remain involved with his addiction or his attempts to control it.
Just listen to your initial post. You're worried about this, you're worried about that. What is worrying accomplishing? Give me one good reason for worrying. Worrying equals control. "Why won't he stop drinking?" "What role can I play in helping him to keep from drinking?" "What support can I give him to help him maintain sobriety?" Hon, he's the A, not you. IT IS UP TO HIM TO WORK A PROGRAM AND WANT SOBRIETY AT ANY COST. As many of us have learned the hard way, it's okay to love an addict, but generally it's best to love them at a distance. Step aside. Gain some perspective. Leave his addiction alone - he owns it, not you. Get your focus on Y-O-U.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
i'm new here too although ive been reading and learning from all these wonderful people in SR for over a year now. i know how you are feeling i am going through the same thing. i decided to detach from my abf 4 days ago and it's hard, i miss him (not the drinking). I could handle the rejection better if it was another woman i had to compete with. Wow competing against a pint of larger NO CHANCE. Let's be strong together. Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 16
I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and their warm welcome.
I know I should not desire to be with someone that has been emotionally abusive to me no matter what the reason. Part of me wonders how common it is for alcoholics to treat us this way, is it the alcohol or is it who they truly are? I suppose I will never have my question answered. It is just that he finds these little covert ways of being cruel and taking jabs at me, one way is over the internet by blogging little things about me and how "crazy" I am, or hinting that I am lazy or lacking motivation in life. It is so hurtful because I thought he loved me and held me in esteem, and now he trashes me. He posted in his online journal that "everything that has a beginning has an end".. these were the last words he emailed me, and yet he does not change his online profiles to reflect that we are not seeing each other. It is as if this is the only way he can strike at me that he does it, yet he does not tell anyone that we both know that we are not seeing each other anymore. I just do not understand it, I guess I may never understand it. I do not understand trying to intentionally hurt another person.
I have told myself that I need to quit reading his internet posts because the most important thing is that I get myself into a feel good place again, and since he knows I have always read his internet writings he also knows this is a way to get at me... but only if I allow it.
Since this is the first time he has ever done anything like this I wonder if he will go through the typical behaviors that I have heard about from others.. being cruel for no reason, getting revenge for some imagined wrongs, and then coming back after I attempt to move on... I suppose if I can get strong enough in myself it does not matter what he does.. and every day I do get stronger
Thanks for the welcome again... I plan on reading a lot of threads because I think it may give me some perspective.
I know I should not desire to be with someone that has been emotionally abusive to me no matter what the reason. Part of me wonders how common it is for alcoholics to treat us this way, is it the alcohol or is it who they truly are? I suppose I will never have my question answered. It is just that he finds these little covert ways of being cruel and taking jabs at me, one way is over the internet by blogging little things about me and how "crazy" I am, or hinting that I am lazy or lacking motivation in life. It is so hurtful because I thought he loved me and held me in esteem, and now he trashes me. He posted in his online journal that "everything that has a beginning has an end".. these were the last words he emailed me, and yet he does not change his online profiles to reflect that we are not seeing each other. It is as if this is the only way he can strike at me that he does it, yet he does not tell anyone that we both know that we are not seeing each other anymore. I just do not understand it, I guess I may never understand it. I do not understand trying to intentionally hurt another person.
I have told myself that I need to quit reading his internet posts because the most important thing is that I get myself into a feel good place again, and since he knows I have always read his internet writings he also knows this is a way to get at me... but only if I allow it.
Since this is the first time he has ever done anything like this I wonder if he will go through the typical behaviors that I have heard about from others.. being cruel for no reason, getting revenge for some imagined wrongs, and then coming back after I attempt to move on... I suppose if I can get strong enough in myself it does not matter what he does.. and every day I do get stronger
Thanks for the welcome again... I plan on reading a lot of threads because I think it may give me some perspective.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
ditto to what Prod says.....ladies....you are not married to these men...run and run fast. Your children will suffer...mine did. GO NO CONTACT and do it now. They cant love or appreciate anyone because they dont care about themselves....listen to what Glass Prisoner says...its the truth.
By their fruits they will be known.....take this statement literally.
You are setting yourselves up for a world of hurt by loving these sick people....and thats what they are and you too if you cant pull away from them.
By their fruits they will be known.....take this statement literally.
You are setting yourselves up for a world of hurt by loving these sick people....and thats what they are and you too if you cant pull away from them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 16
I thank you for your insight... I just thought I would clarify something... my son is going to be moving out of my home in a couple of months to explore opportunities... he is 17. I have not lived with a man since I left his father when he was 8 1/2 months old. I have intentionally created a stable loving home for my child for many many years. I know it was not your intent perhaps, but your statement came off a little as though I would casually discard the well being of my offspring, which is kinda unfair since it was the well being of my son that prompted me to begin to examime the alcoholics behavior so intently, and to demand to know more about his past.
I just thought I would point out, I am a damn good mother that has sacrificed much for her child.
I just thought I would point out, I am a damn good mother that has sacrificed much for her child.
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