What have you done?
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
What have you done?
Its one of my sons 20th Birthday next week and the whole family is going out for tea. My neice asked me if (mum) can come (thats my sister of course).
See, she is in rehab and has been for 2 1/2 weeks. So that would mean she would have to get permission to leave anyhow.
Ok, What do you guys think? Not a problem with her being there, but the fact some will be drinking. What have you done in this situation. I guess I dont want to leave her out, but Im worried of how she may cope.
See, she is in rehab and has been for 2 1/2 weeks. So that would mean she would have to get permission to leave anyhow.
Ok, What do you guys think? Not a problem with her being there, but the fact some will be drinking. What have you done in this situation. I guess I dont want to leave her out, but Im worried of how she may cope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi justjo
out of respect for her recovery efforts, i would choose a non-drinking place. i think popular opinions are that it shouldn't matter, but alcohol is her demon, and she is still so fresh from the demons clutches. i would just choose a non-drinking environment out of respect for her efforts. she is so eary in her recovery. some may think my idea is enabling, by changing plans to help protect the recovering alcoholic, but to me, it would be a matter of respect and support at this stage. later.....when one has some sobriety and strong recovery under their belt would be the only time i would consider having alcohol in any event.
best wishes.
you know, this may be a real good question for the forum.....new to reovery, or something like that....or the alcohol forum. i bet you would get some really good advice there
jmho.
out of respect for her recovery efforts, i would choose a non-drinking place. i think popular opinions are that it shouldn't matter, but alcohol is her demon, and she is still so fresh from the demons clutches. i would just choose a non-drinking environment out of respect for her efforts. she is so eary in her recovery. some may think my idea is enabling, by changing plans to help protect the recovering alcoholic, but to me, it would be a matter of respect and support at this stage. later.....when one has some sobriety and strong recovery under their belt would be the only time i would consider having alcohol in any event.
best wishes.
you know, this may be a real good question for the forum.....new to reovery, or something like that....or the alcohol forum. i bet you would get some really good advice there
jmho.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
I think she needs to stay where she is at and work on herself....this will only be a set back for your sister....going out and seeing others drinking will be a major and I mean a major temptation for her. JMHO of course. When in doubt....don't. Your neice will just have to understand that her mother is in a place that she needs to be right now.
janitw
janitw
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Unfortunately I agree with Janit on this one. I think any "family" gathering might trigger her at this point especially if there will be drinking.
I have been on the wagon for over 20 years and family gatherings are still very stressful for me and often times I feel like drinking but I don't do it. I stayed away from my family for almost 7 years after I quit drinking just so I would have the strength to not drink.
I am not saying you should turn your back on her but the situation at this time could be more than she could handle. Just like you would not expect a person who had just had abdominal surgery to do acrobatics after only 2 weeks of having surgery you wouldn't want to put an alcoholic trying to get clean in a drinking situation after only 2 weeks of not drinking. 2 weeks is a very short time she is barely detoxed at this point and her mind may still be able to convince her that it would be alright to drink again...
Not that you really have any control over her going back to drinking but, you don't want to lead the horse to water in this case and you would feel terrible if going to this party became her excuse to go back out....
I have been on the wagon for over 20 years and family gatherings are still very stressful for me and often times I feel like drinking but I don't do it. I stayed away from my family for almost 7 years after I quit drinking just so I would have the strength to not drink.
I am not saying you should turn your back on her but the situation at this time could be more than she could handle. Just like you would not expect a person who had just had abdominal surgery to do acrobatics after only 2 weeks of having surgery you wouldn't want to put an alcoholic trying to get clean in a drinking situation after only 2 weeks of not drinking. 2 weeks is a very short time she is barely detoxed at this point and her mind may still be able to convince her that it would be alright to drink again...
Not that you really have any control over her going back to drinking but, you don't want to lead the horse to water in this case and you would feel terrible if going to this party became her excuse to go back out....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I was thinking that maybe when she is out and has some recovery under her belt ,you could meet for a second celebration; if she feels up to the event. If not,maybe just one time she will skip. JMHO
Is she in Inpatient or outpatient and what does she say about it (and her counselors) ?
Is she in Inpatient or outpatient and what does she say about it (and her counselors) ?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
What have you done
Something similar. People I know but don't socialize with planned a fishing trip in which a RA was to be part of. When it was realized that there would be drinking involved, they were ready to cancel so as not to tempt the RA. The RA gracefully bowed out so the plans could continue.
From what I have been learning and reading, an A has to adapt to the world while maintaining sobriety. The world won't suddenly stop serving alcohol.
If you have the kind of relationship with your sister that you can talk to her and share your desire for her to attend but only if it won't jeapordize her recovery it will empower her to make a healthy choice for her self. If she isn't ready for making those kind of choices, I would go ahead with plans and tell her later and why you made the choices you did at the time. I think Pick's suggestion for a second celebration later on is a good one too.
JMHO...The day should be about your son. It's his birthday and the celebrations should fit him.
I am getting the message clearer everyday that it's an A's problem not anyone elses.
It's hard to make the first reaction but it's a must.
Hope all turns out well.
From what I have been learning and reading, an A has to adapt to the world while maintaining sobriety. The world won't suddenly stop serving alcohol.
If you have the kind of relationship with your sister that you can talk to her and share your desire for her to attend but only if it won't jeapordize her recovery it will empower her to make a healthy choice for her self. If she isn't ready for making those kind of choices, I would go ahead with plans and tell her later and why you made the choices you did at the time. I think Pick's suggestion for a second celebration later on is a good one too.
JMHO...The day should be about your son. It's his birthday and the celebrations should fit him.
I am getting the message clearer everyday that it's an A's problem not anyone elses.
It's hard to make the first reaction but it's a must.
Hope all turns out well.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
we did small doses of family time when my daughter was in treatment - folks went to see her and when she came home, we kept it between us (hubby and i) and her. that was just enough for all of us at that time.
blessings, k
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i agree with those above me... either choose a place where no one will be drinking and where alcohol isn't served, or don't invite her... she should understand why. i also think being in rehab is a place they should remain for that time, so giving her a taste of the outside world before she is ready might be harmful to her. like pick said, have two parties!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Gosh, I have to disagree with most of the opinions on this thread. What happen to the three C's? I think open, honest communication is the answer. It should be her choice to make, not everyone else's.
JMHO,
L
JMHO,
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i still think, though, with all that justjo's sister has been through the past few months, her entering rehab was a HUGE step, and wanting it to work this time isn't wrong, or controlling it. i would never, ever put someone i loved in a situation they just might not be ready to handle. a few days of sobriety is nothing, so why tempt her? if it was me, i either wouldn't have the party in that location (with alcohol around) especially since it would be a trigger for her. i just couldn't live with myself knowing i thought someone as sick as she is could handle it, when i should know by now that she can't... especially so soon.
just my thoughts!
just my thoughts!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by InThisForMe 
i would never, ever put someone i loved in a situation they just might not be ready to handle.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
denny, i know what you mean. i just meant given justjo's previous posts about her sister and all of the problems she's been having and struggling with... it seems pretty clear that she wouldn't be ready to face this situation... watching others, including her loved ones, drink around her? i just wouldn't find that to be very supportive, and i definitely know i wouldn't be able to withstand something that tempting.
i don't know what she can or can't handle, either, it just seemed pretty clear that a few days in rehab doesn't make her totally sober, so just in my opinion, i sure as heck wouldn't put her near the substance that's ruined her life thus far... i guess just out of courtesy to a loved one. but again, that's just me! she might be able to handle it, but i just wouldn't want to take the chance of putting her in the candy store and telling her not to eat.
i don't know what she can or can't handle, either, it just seemed pretty clear that a few days in rehab doesn't make her totally sober, so just in my opinion, i sure as heck wouldn't put her near the substance that's ruined her life thus far... i guess just out of courtesy to a loved one. but again, that's just me! she might be able to handle it, but i just wouldn't want to take the chance of putting her in the candy store and telling her not to eat.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner
Let's see. Recovery, or a birthday party. Hmmm. The choice should be obvious.
When I make choices for others, I am showing them they are too incompetent to handle their own lives. Which only adds to the problem...
Again, JMHO
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hmmmm, ltd, never thought of it like that. from my past experiences with xah, even family get togethers were too stressful for him to handle fresh out of rehab.
i've read that others would keep alcohol in the house for their guests, too.....but i always emptied the house of alcohol.....thought i was being considerate....maybe i was still trying to control. but honestly, as i think back, i felt like it was out of respect for his attempts to sobriety.
wellllllllllllllllll.......now i have another issue to look at within myself....lol
i've read that others would keep alcohol in the house for their guests, too.....but i always emptied the house of alcohol.....thought i was being considerate....maybe i was still trying to control. but honestly, as i think back, i felt like it was out of respect for his attempts to sobriety.
wellllllllllllllllll.......now i have another issue to look at within myself....lol
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You know, Jeri, that was a tough pill for me to swallow. My counselor was the one who pointed out to me that the relationship I had with my husband was more akin to a parent/child than a wife/husband. I just knew I knew what was best for him. 
And you know what else? He all of a sudden started behaving more like an adult when I stopped treating him like a child. Who would've thought he could be trusted to make his own decisions? LOL
L
And you know what else? He all of a sudden started behaving more like an adult when I stopped treating him like a child. Who would've thought he could be trusted to make his own decisions? LOLL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by InThisForMe
it seems pretty clear that she wouldn't be ready to face this situation... watching others, including her loved ones, drink around her? i just wouldn't find that to be very supportive, and i definitely know i wouldn't be able to withstand something that tempting.
i don't know what she can or can't handle, either, it just seemed pretty clear that a few days in rehab doesn't make her totally sober, so just in my opinion, i sure as heck wouldn't put her near the substance that's ruined her life thus far... i guess just out of courtesy to a loved one. but again, that's just me! she might be able to handle it, but i just wouldn't want to take the chance of putting her in the candy store and telling her not to eat.
i don't know what she can or can't handle, either, it just seemed pretty clear that a few days in rehab doesn't make her totally sober, so just in my opinion, i sure as heck wouldn't put her near the substance that's ruined her life thus far... i guess just out of courtesy to a loved one. but again, that's just me! she might be able to handle it, but i just wouldn't want to take the chance of putting her in the candy store and telling her not to eat.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I would suggest that it is highly unlikely that she would get permission to leave rehab for her nephew's 20th birthday party anyway.
Denny and LTD speak sense, as always.
Why not just give that little girl who is missing her Mum a big hug and leave your sister to get on with what she is in rehab to do without any distraction?
Denny and LTD speak sense, as always.
Why not just give that little girl who is missing her Mum a big hug and leave your sister to get on with what she is in rehab to do without any distraction?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
This may be a little off the topic, but that niece sounds a little too familiar - like an old me - like "my mom's in rehab now - so please can everyone be nice to her again"; like she is trying to mend fences for her mom.
Not sure if this is really what is going on or not - I think probably the birthday boy's party should be planned as normal - the rehab counselor & aunt can decide if it is the right time for her to get a pass to attend or not -
But, I might would suggest - and only suggest, because just like you can't force an alcoholic to treatment, you can't force a family member to get help for themselves - Maybe the daughter might need some counseling for herself.
I don't know the whole story, hopefully she is already attending some family classes & if I'm way off base - I apologize - it just sounded too familiar to my old behaviors. Wanting everyone to make nice and smooth things over.
Hope your son has a Happy Birthday & that your sister continues her recovery path.
Just my e,s, & h - Take what you like & leave the rest.
Rita
Not sure if this is really what is going on or not - I think probably the birthday boy's party should be planned as normal - the rehab counselor & aunt can decide if it is the right time for her to get a pass to attend or not -
But, I might would suggest - and only suggest, because just like you can't force an alcoholic to treatment, you can't force a family member to get help for themselves - Maybe the daughter might need some counseling for herself.
I don't know the whole story, hopefully she is already attending some family classes & if I'm way off base - I apologize - it just sounded too familiar to my old behaviors. Wanting everyone to make nice and smooth things over.
Hope your son has a Happy Birthday & that your sister continues her recovery path.
Just my e,s, & h - Take what you like & leave the rest.
Rita
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
