I am a social drinker.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
I am a social drinker.
Fortunately, I have never had a problem with alcohol. I can have a beer tonight and not touch one for 6 months. My wife however is an alcoholic. I have made a point to never drink when she is around. When we are at a restaurant she says, "order a beer if you want one". I say no, I don't want one, even if I do. Comments please...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
If it's a "non-issue" for you,I don't see what there is to talk about! 
As for ordering a beer,if you want one,around your wife,I'd say do what you want to do; esp. if your wife is still active in her disease. She might like you to drink with her,for her own sake,but that would be her issue,not yours.
As for ordering a beer,if you want one,around your wife,I'd say do what you want to do; esp. if your wife is still active in her disease. She might like you to drink with her,for her own sake,but that would be her issue,not yours.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
If she is still drinking... in my opinion...
You are setting a good example and showing her that you don't need beer to have a good time.
If she is in a good recovery...sip away at your beer.
I can have "a" beer and not touch one for another 20 years.
I can not have 2 beers though. 2 would become 20 real fast.
How often we drink isn't what makes an alcholic...how alcohol affects us when we drink it is what makes an alcoholic. For me ...if I don't have the first one, I won't need worry about the second one.
My wife will have a drink when we go out. It doesn't bother me unless she had plans of driving the car. It doesn't bother me when I sit with her as she is drinking her drink either... then again I have a few years collected of being sober.
You are setting a good example and showing her that you don't need beer to have a good time.
If she is in a good recovery...sip away at your beer.
I can have "a" beer and not touch one for another 20 years.
I can not have 2 beers though. 2 would become 20 real fast.
How often we drink isn't what makes an alcholic...how alcohol affects us when we drink it is what makes an alcoholic. For me ...if I don't have the first one, I won't need worry about the second one.
My wife will have a drink when we go out. It doesn't bother me unless she had plans of driving the car. It doesn't bother me when I sit with her as she is drinking her drink either... then again I have a few years collected of being sober.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
my husband and i are social drinkers, and we keep no alcohol in our house and we don't drink in front of our alcdaughter. it's just one way we feel we can support her and give her a safe place to be. blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
As a former smoker
I used to smoke. It's still difficult for me to be around a bunch of people who are smoking. I don't know personally how difficult it is to stop drinking. I have only been addicted to cigs. But I presume the cravings are worse??
So, I don't drink in front of my AH. I have before, years ago when he'd tell me the same thing, that it didn't bother him. I found that I didn't enjoy my drink anyway, because I was wondering if he was having cravings.
Over the years, I have had a real problem with the fact that I force myself to play Ms. Goodytwoshoes. I don't have booze in the house, I don't drink around him. But he drinks whenever the hell he feels like it, whether I drink or not.
I do miss having a drink at a restaurant. And it just so happens that I'm usually with him when I'm at a restaurant.
One thing that I like to do is go on vacation with my best friends. We have the same things in common and I don't have to think about AH and his problem. The only problem is, 2 of my best friends smoke, so I wind up with my own temptations. But I feel like I can handle my temptations better than AH can handle his.
Last week I bought some Bailey's and have it sitting in the fridge in the garage. It's unlikely he'll see it. It may seem like now I'm hiding booze from him, what a turn of the tables that would be, lol. But I felt like having a drink so I bought a small bottle. And the rest of the bottle is still sitting in the fridge.
So, guess my advice is, if you think you'd enjoy your drink without focusing on how much your AW may be tempted, perhaps you could do it. I just couldn't.
So, I don't drink in front of my AH. I have before, years ago when he'd tell me the same thing, that it didn't bother him. I found that I didn't enjoy my drink anyway, because I was wondering if he was having cravings.
Over the years, I have had a real problem with the fact that I force myself to play Ms. Goodytwoshoes. I don't have booze in the house, I don't drink around him. But he drinks whenever the hell he feels like it, whether I drink or not.
I do miss having a drink at a restaurant. And it just so happens that I'm usually with him when I'm at a restaurant.
One thing that I like to do is go on vacation with my best friends. We have the same things in common and I don't have to think about AH and his problem. The only problem is, 2 of my best friends smoke, so I wind up with my own temptations. But I feel like I can handle my temptations better than AH can handle his.
Last week I bought some Bailey's and have it sitting in the fridge in the garage. It's unlikely he'll see it. It may seem like now I'm hiding booze from him, what a turn of the tables that would be, lol. But I felt like having a drink so I bought a small bottle. And the rest of the bottle is still sitting in the fridge.
So, guess my advice is, if you think you'd enjoy your drink without focusing on how much your AW may be tempted, perhaps you could do it. I just couldn't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
i used to be a social drinker and didn't have a drop of anything with my A while she was in recovery. ultimately, i know it's her choice to drink or not to drink and it's no one decision's but her own, but i couldn't live with myself knowing that i was putting the thing she craved more than anything in front of her face. it was watching everyone else drink, and her being unable to, that eventually led her to relapse. peer influence is a major force and often underestimated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
InThisForMe, I agree with you. Cigs were my best friend. They felt good when I was sad, happy, mad, nervous, etc. But they were never better than when I was sharing a smoke with a friend. So when I'm around a bunch of people who smoke, it's just really tempting. I struggle with my own thoughts of maybe being able to have just one, or why can they do it and not me. It is difficult. It is more difficult when the person I'm with is smoking. Then it's even more attainable in my mind.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
During my 16 yrs recovery, my spouse respected me enough
to not drink in front of me....of course drinking wasnt something
high on his list...he was one that could take it or leave it....
Of course im sure he very well remembered my last day drunk
when i tried to end my life..and the next day when he tried
to haul me off to the hospital to get my stomached pumped....
I fought him with every ounce of strength i had as i told
him i was ok....however,,,,he needed help and thus thru
a court order i was picked up by the police and taken to
rehab where i spent the next 28 days recieving the tools
and knowledge of my disease of alcoholism.
When my husband attended a few counciling sessions he learned
a few things that was important for my recovery....
To stay away from people places and things that would affect
my recovery....and so he removed everything out of the house
that was alcohol....eventually i got rid of all my little souviners...
glasses and saves bottles....
Anyway....today even tho im 16 yrs sober...i still feel uncomfortable
around others that would drink....so i dont place myself in
situations that make me feel uncomfortale.....why? because my recovery
is just that important to me...without that then i have nothing....
Anyway....why would i want to be around someone who is under
the influence...i should know right off hand that they r not themselves...
So why carry on a conversation with someone tipsy....??
I will say...there were times i suggested to my husband to
go get a drink....because i thought he needed one after being
married to me for so long....he chuckled and still remained respectful.
I sure did put that man thru some hard times.... oh well....we r still
friends...at least for now.
to not drink in front of me....of course drinking wasnt something
high on his list...he was one that could take it or leave it....
Of course im sure he very well remembered my last day drunk
when i tried to end my life..and the next day when he tried
to haul me off to the hospital to get my stomached pumped....
I fought him with every ounce of strength i had as i told
him i was ok....however,,,,he needed help and thus thru
a court order i was picked up by the police and taken to
rehab where i spent the next 28 days recieving the tools
and knowledge of my disease of alcoholism.
When my husband attended a few counciling sessions he learned
a few things that was important for my recovery....
To stay away from people places and things that would affect
my recovery....and so he removed everything out of the house
that was alcohol....eventually i got rid of all my little souviners...
glasses and saves bottles....
Anyway....today even tho im 16 yrs sober...i still feel uncomfortable
around others that would drink....so i dont place myself in
situations that make me feel uncomfortale.....why? because my recovery
is just that important to me...without that then i have nothing....
Anyway....why would i want to be around someone who is under
the influence...i should know right off hand that they r not themselves...
So why carry on a conversation with someone tipsy....??
I will say...there were times i suggested to my husband to
go get a drink....because i thought he needed one after being
married to me for so long....he chuckled and still remained respectful.
I sure did put that man thru some hard times.... oh well....we r still
friends...at least for now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
9 days is a good start and attending the outpatiant rehab is also
good. He is recieiving the tools and knowledge of his disease....just
like i did and countless others before and after me.
AA does work....recovery does work....the only way it doesnt
work is if we dont follow the 12 steps provided to us as mentioned
in the Big Book Of Alcoholic Anonymous.
Alcoholism is a disease....its not a crippling disease...its not one
that u have to go take radiation for...its not something u have to
go get shots for or take medicine by mouth for,,,,
Which is pretty cool...do u know of any other disease that is
like that...?
All we have to do is follow the steps.....attend meetings...which
in my opinion is very helpful to me....Meetings are where i can
find others just like me going thru the same thing as i and who
understand me....no questions asked....
There are quite a few marriages that make it because everyone
in the family gets involved and learns about the disease....
In ur case it will help u take care of u and help u as ur other
begins to go thru different rewarding changes in his recovery....
There will be roller coaster rides of emotions....but realize that
that is just one step towards a healthier recovery,,,,
Also know that there are many available to help each of u...so
that u both dont have to got thru this journey alone....
There r promises mentioned in the Big Book as well....those will
materialize as he goes thru the steps....
Life and marriage can be wonderful in recovery if the 2 of u
work at it with help love and guidance from Above and the
program of recovery.
good. He is recieiving the tools and knowledge of his disease....just
like i did and countless others before and after me.
AA does work....recovery does work....the only way it doesnt
work is if we dont follow the 12 steps provided to us as mentioned
in the Big Book Of Alcoholic Anonymous.
Alcoholism is a disease....its not a crippling disease...its not one
that u have to go take radiation for...its not something u have to
go get shots for or take medicine by mouth for,,,,
Which is pretty cool...do u know of any other disease that is
like that...?
All we have to do is follow the steps.....attend meetings...which
in my opinion is very helpful to me....Meetings are where i can
find others just like me going thru the same thing as i and who
understand me....no questions asked....
There are quite a few marriages that make it because everyone
in the family gets involved and learns about the disease....
In ur case it will help u take care of u and help u as ur other
begins to go thru different rewarding changes in his recovery....
There will be roller coaster rides of emotions....but realize that
that is just one step towards a healthier recovery,,,,
Also know that there are many available to help each of u...so
that u both dont have to got thru this journey alone....
There r promises mentioned in the Big Book as well....those will
materialize as he goes thru the steps....
Life and marriage can be wonderful in recovery if the 2 of u
work at it with help love and guidance from Above and the
program of recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
I have the same quandry with my AW. She will say go ahead and have a beer when we are out and I politely say no thanks and get a coke or water. Maybe I am that distrusting of her but I feel that is her way to have an excuse to drink or try to get me to drink with her. She has even said that she misses the times we used to have a few beers and talk.
I believe in the school of thought that I will not be an excuse for drinking in any way shape or form.
I believe in the school of thought that I will not be an excuse for drinking in any way shape or form.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
sb0804,
I miss the times I used to be able to drink with AH too. I thought we were both social drinkers. Loved to go to a sport's bar on Friday afternoons after work and shoot pool. Or we used to play softball together and hit a pub after a game. Those were some good times. But they will never happen again.
We used to go out with a bunch of my friends. I remember thinking a few times that it was odd that he always had a drink in each hand. There was only one other guy in our crowd who did that and he died Dec 2005 at the age of 40. Wish I knew then what I know now.
Now I practically never drink and he's still been drinking. How come I wound up being the one who quit drinking??
I miss the times I used to be able to drink with AH too. I thought we were both social drinkers. Loved to go to a sport's bar on Friday afternoons after work and shoot pool. Or we used to play softball together and hit a pub after a game. Those were some good times. But they will never happen again.
We used to go out with a bunch of my friends. I remember thinking a few times that it was odd that he always had a drink in each hand. There was only one other guy in our crowd who did that and he died Dec 2005 at the age of 40. Wish I knew then what I know now.
Now I practically never drink and he's still been drinking. How come I wound up being the one who quit drinking??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I always thought my husband held a resentment
towards me because i changed on him in the
middle of the marriage....Here he marrried me at
the beginning stages of my drinking, but neither of
us thought of it as alcoholism....
We blamed my drinking on a bad childhood....
Anyway...he married a lively person..always
willing etc....and then i got into trouble with
alcohol thus sending me to rehab for 28 days....
After that.......i began the transformation
in recovery and changed before his eyes....now he lost
the girl he first married....
Im not that same person....and i dont think he ever
came to terms with that....
Anyway,,,,i do recall at times that maybe id just
give in and drink just so he can be with the same
girl...but when we play the tape a little further...
both of us see the distructon alcoholism had on us
as a family and as a married couple....
But no....today...there is no way i would ever
go back to what was....not now since im filled
with lots of experiences, strengths and hopes
in recovery.
towards me because i changed on him in the
middle of the marriage....Here he marrried me at
the beginning stages of my drinking, but neither of
us thought of it as alcoholism....
We blamed my drinking on a bad childhood....
Anyway...he married a lively person..always
willing etc....and then i got into trouble with
alcohol thus sending me to rehab for 28 days....
After that.......i began the transformation
in recovery and changed before his eyes....now he lost
the girl he first married....
Im not that same person....and i dont think he ever
came to terms with that....
Anyway,,,,i do recall at times that maybe id just
give in and drink just so he can be with the same
girl...but when we play the tape a little further...
both of us see the distructon alcoholism had on us
as a family and as a married couple....
But no....today...there is no way i would ever
go back to what was....not now since im filled
with lots of experiences, strengths and hopes
in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 71
I'm also a social drinker, but when my ex-abf got out of rehab I chose not to drink while I was with him especially during early recovery. And even though I'm only a social drinker, I have to admit that there were times where I would have absolutely loved to have had a glass of wine or a cold beer. Normally, I would have never even gave it another thought and have got out without having a single drink, but because I felt that I couldn't drink with him I actually wanted to. Perhaps, its that whole 'desiring what you can't have' thing. Who knows? Jo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bend, OR
Posts: 9
The drink at dinner was actually my A's idea. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. I talked with my sister and she is using me drinking a beer at dinner as the reason she relapses. Bull pucky, she started drinking on the plane when I wasn't even around. Looks like you have to make the choice. If I would have known I would say no. But in reality I can't make her drink and I can't make her not drink.
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