Please remind me that all may not be what it seems
 

My xabf has been out of jail for almost a month now. (was in for a year). He has admitted that he has drank twice, but no more. Once again, he got a break and is working on cars in this garage of a buddy of his. He will not go to any kind of treatment as he is "doing good on his own" and "is too tired" at night to go to meetings.

I feel like, wow, he is making it on his own. He is "cured" no more drinking, is working (under the table as always at 41 years old, but still). He keeps telling me how will I know he's doing good if I won't go back with him. He swears he has no desire to drink. He says that he can make great money at the garage, the first step to his own business. That he is done with the BS and wants to get his life in order. Now I know he still has issues - he still is blaming me for alot of stuff, has reverted to name calling on a couple of issues when I don't say I want him back. But still...

P.S. I know I shouldn't have any contact. I'm working on that with my counselor. Why I still take his calls yet tell him it's over and we will never be together again. I wish I was at that point, but I'm still, even after all this time, not ready for no contact - as wrong as I know it is.

If you dont want him back, you need to honestly ask yourself why you need to have contact. Jail for 12 months, then ok, why?

((((brdlvr))))

Take it one day at a time. Make one choice and stick with it. Be gentle with yourself.

Remember if he is being verbally abusive over the phone while trying to talk you into taking him back....what would he do if you let him back in.

Maybe the next time he calls you could just say to yourself this one call is not going to be answered...

Speak of the devil. He just called me. He admitted that it's all not as good as it seems. He said the guy is not giving him the work that he promosed, that he didn't work yesterday and the guy isn't working again today so he can't work at the shop either. He said he spent all day yesterday and is again today, going to put in applications around town. Sheese, my mind always goes where it shouldn't - worry over nothing. Ugh

Justo -- I ask myself that and have for quite some time - and I don't know why. I guess there is a tiny, tiny part of me that still has hope he'll make it

Like I should talk here but..... Think of it this way. Why are you so consumed with him when he is bad for you? Why arn't you out there meeting people who are good for you. You could be missing out of something so wonderful by letting him still have this bit of controle over you.

Guess I should be taking my own advice.

Lost - I know. I have met men, but I'm not ready to date. I'm going to AA myself to deal with my own issues w/alcohol and so far, the men I've met (since bf and I officially broke up) all are drinkers and don't seem to be the one or two drink normal kind.

But still what?

you have choices, brdlvr. blessings, k

If he wasn't trying to manipulate you then he'd respect you and give his recovery and you time to trust him again.

If he is being verbally abusive he's obviously trying to manipulate you. Don't answer the phone if you can I KNOW IT'S HARD.

Earthworm

I saw my couselor tonight and she said - I normally don't tell my clients what to do, but you need to get away from this man. She see's it as you all - heck after the rotton phone conversation with him this evening- I sooo see what a manipulator, he is. He blames, It's YOUR fault I say what I say, YOU made me so mad. See what YOU did to me/us. Ugh. I hope, hope I keep the anger I feel towards him right now. I saved all his message he left on my cell phone tonight so I can replay them when I get weak and he starts the "but I love you... crap. And that's just what it is.

What does this man have to offer you? A lifetime of stress, abuse and disappointment..that's all I see.

You are right. I know - just what my family and couselor says. I keep trying to figure out why do I take his calls, why do I allow the drama. She said stop trying to figure out the why - just do it. End it. I'm praying to my HP to help me do just that. This man brings nothing postive into my life. the more I think back and see what it is now. That is the dang truth - nothing.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, but are you attending Al-Anon too? Seeing a counselor is certainly a positive thing to do, but in Al-Anon you'll be with your "own kind" who understand why you're maintaining contact.

JMO, but you're maintaining contact because you want to and you get something out of it. I mean, the guy keeps blaming you for his disease, he's not working a program, and frankly he sounds like he's full of total b.s. to me. You can drive yourself nuts trying to look within yourself to find your motivation while continuing contact, or you can get active in Al-Anon, work a program, and get on with your life.

Again, JMO, but it may be you are stuck in "victim" mode. Why else would you tolerate listening to his abuse? Maybe it's time to break free of the victim mentality.

You did it again Prodigal, I agree totally.
We do things because we want to if we are honest with ourselves.
Maybe, maybe not, brdlvr you are afraid to be on your own totally? You need to know this guy still wants you? He's giving you something you need? The answer is within.
Good luck

my experience is once an "A" always an "A" and recovery only comes through help and counseling.

I havent posted here for a long time because I am dealing right now with my own issues, but I am lurking almost every day. I couldnt help respond to this.


It is just a matter of time and my AH was back to drinking again. Slowly like yours BF and then since things seemed ok around him.... the addiction increased as time went on.
Now I am physically and emotionally distant from him, even though he is still in the house.
Good luck and remember to take care of yourself. Sometimes just taking care of yourself and doing the "next right thing" is all you need. Only our Higher Power can see the whole picture.
Get your but to a-alanon and hear all the great experience of others help you.
Missy xo

Ditto to Prodigal.....she is right on the money....

Thank you all for the truthful words and advice. Last night, becasue I didn't go meet him for some sex ( have no desire even to kiss the man let alone that) and I had my phone in another room charging the battery - he could not get ahold of me. So he left over 10 messages telling me, it's done, he's going out to get some (sex elsewhere), he's leaving, I'm making him so mad. Then he calls me all calm and said he's at some dive bar, but he's not doing anything wrong and I love you. -WTF.

He called me this morning to tell me that his aunt has two days to live and his grandfather is dying. I told them I'll pray for them, but I'm done with his B.S. and said goodbye. I was calm and really, felt good about not engageing in his crap. I'm sure he was waiting for me to ask him did he get lucky, was he drinking, why did he go to the bar. I did none of that.

What I did do tonight - go to an AA meeting for me and figured out how to reprogram my Tivo. A good night and I didn't even worry where he was

Way to go! You rock! And it just gets better from here!
Thanks for sharing!

good for you!!

Your recovery is shining!