Is Al-Anon a springboard to divorce?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Is Al-Anon a springboard to divorce?
I go to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. AH is in week two of intensive outpatient rehab. I went to a meeting with him Saturday. He threatened to quit the program this weekend, mentioned divorce and I told him to go for it.
So he shared in his meeting last night. Apparently the counselor told him my reaction is pretty common for someone who just started Al-Anon. I recall someone here said yesterday that it's a fairly common thing for people to wake up all the sudden, realize what they've been dealing with and bolt.
AH said last night that he was told (and believes) that AA for him and Al-Anon for me can make our marriage much better, as long as he stays sober. But he also knows that the realizations I will have through Al-Anon will mean that I'm not putting up with his drinking anymore. He said he knows that he will lose everything dear to him if he continues to drink.
Does anybody ever stop drinking? Does anyone stay married? As much as I am realizing how similar most of the stories are with alcoholics, and realizing that we are so very representative of the masses, just wondering if divorce is a 99% probability.
I do give him credit for repeating to me what he is learning in rehab, about triggers, cravings, and encouraging me to go to Al-Anon, despite knowing that it means I may leave.
So he shared in his meeting last night. Apparently the counselor told him my reaction is pretty common for someone who just started Al-Anon. I recall someone here said yesterday that it's a fairly common thing for people to wake up all the sudden, realize what they've been dealing with and bolt.
AH said last night that he was told (and believes) that AA for him and Al-Anon for me can make our marriage much better, as long as he stays sober. But he also knows that the realizations I will have through Al-Anon will mean that I'm not putting up with his drinking anymore. He said he knows that he will lose everything dear to him if he continues to drink.
Does anybody ever stop drinking? Does anyone stay married? As much as I am realizing how similar most of the stories are with alcoholics, and realizing that we are so very representative of the masses, just wondering if divorce is a 99% probability.
I do give him credit for repeating to me what he is learning in rehab, about triggers, cravings, and encouraging me to go to Al-Anon, despite knowing that it means I may leave.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Al Anon is a start/springboard to "your" growth and rebuilding of life that alcohol has pulled apart over time.
Go for it or as my wife put it... I can make my own choices, she wasn't going to make them for me.
Do we stop the alcohol intake? Yes many of us do.
Do we grow and learn to become better people? Yes if we work at it and work an honest program of the steps.
Do we get frustrated and say things like...divorce? Yes because it can seem like an easier way to do things. Low selfesteem, seeing the hard work ahead for us, starting to see the pain and hurt we caused others... or just lazy and still looking for the easier way out even if it doesn't work. Saying it and wanting it or saying it and doing it are two different things. More times it would be said as an emotional outburst or as a sounding board to see where things may be at. Your answer was good. Lets him know you are holding boundaries and lets him know that it is his choice to do what needs be done or be accepting of what could be.
Al Anon can be what helps you learn and understand so that divorce doesn't happen.
You learn and grow at your own speed...he learns and grows at his own speed.
You set a plan for the future...he can catch up or stay behind.
Someone had a nice sig that answers your question well.
"I stay married one day at a time"
Hope I quoted that correctly *smile* Al Anon can help people grow and gather tools to get through what ever life brings our way...one day at a time.
Go for it or as my wife put it... I can make my own choices, she wasn't going to make them for me.
Do we stop the alcohol intake? Yes many of us do.
Do we grow and learn to become better people? Yes if we work at it and work an honest program of the steps.
Do we get frustrated and say things like...divorce? Yes because it can seem like an easier way to do things. Low selfesteem, seeing the hard work ahead for us, starting to see the pain and hurt we caused others... or just lazy and still looking for the easier way out even if it doesn't work. Saying it and wanting it or saying it and doing it are two different things. More times it would be said as an emotional outburst or as a sounding board to see where things may be at. Your answer was good. Lets him know you are holding boundaries and lets him know that it is his choice to do what needs be done or be accepting of what could be.
Al Anon can be what helps you learn and understand so that divorce doesn't happen.
You learn and grow at your own speed...he learns and grows at his own speed.
You set a plan for the future...he can catch up or stay behind.
Someone had a nice sig that answers your question well.
"I stay married one day at a time"
Hope I quoted that correctly *smile* Al Anon can help people grow and gather tools to get through what ever life brings our way...one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
I can only speak from my own experience, but I don't think Al Anon is necessarily a springboard for divorce. At first, I was scared to go because I thought that surely I would have this huge realization and breakup with my A. But one thing I did learn is that we are powerless to predict the future (one day at a time) My A and I are still together after us being in AA and Al Anon for about a year. I understand that if my HP wants the relationship to end next month, it will.
I will say that staying together has not been easy. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people think that when the drinking stops, everything will get better. Not the case! There have been numerous challenges. However, we have both grown immensely and everyday I learn how to better focus on myself (i.e. I no longer ask him about whether he shared at his meeting, what his sponsor said about this or that, or even if he went to his meeting, etc.) Al Anon has helped me to deal with challenges without totally "freaking out" like I used to. And I have even discovered some things that I really enjoy doing on my own--I never had time for that before because I was so consumed with worry.
Sometimes I HATE going to Al Anon (esp. at first). But I realized if I hated it that much, it was probably exactly where I needed to be. It is an acquired taste, but well worth the effort.
One day at a time....very important. Good luck.
I will say that staying together has not been easy. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people think that when the drinking stops, everything will get better. Not the case! There have been numerous challenges. However, we have both grown immensely and everyday I learn how to better focus on myself (i.e. I no longer ask him about whether he shared at his meeting, what his sponsor said about this or that, or even if he went to his meeting, etc.) Al Anon has helped me to deal with challenges without totally "freaking out" like I used to. And I have even discovered some things that I really enjoy doing on my own--I never had time for that before because I was so consumed with worry.
Sometimes I HATE going to Al Anon (esp. at first). But I realized if I hated it that much, it was probably exactly where I needed to be. It is an acquired taste, but well worth the effort.
One day at a time....very important. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: edinburg, va
Posts: 7
I personally think that al anon is the only way to avoid divorce. If your A is in recovery and you are not, only one person in the relationship is doing any changing. Al anon teaches you the tools to become an independent person, rather than a codependent spouse of an addict. Any person, whether affected by addiction or not, can grow tremendously in al anon. Remember, alcohol is only mentioned in step one. It is really a program for living a better life. There is a book called Al Anon: How it Works. I seriously recommend it to anyone who doesn't have a true understanding of what the program is about. Through my work in the program my active A and I have a more peaceful relationship, I am involved in more activites outside of the house, I have made more friends, and I am a happier more content person. I am no longer obsessed with his addiction. I am not saying the program can fix your A, that is not what it is about. I am also not saying that it fixes everything in one's life that is wrong. But, I know from first hand experience that I am not the same person I was 1.5 years ago, and I directly credit the Al anon program.
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