2many2count

Is it validating someones drinking if you always respond to apologies over and over? What if you told them that you didn't want to talk about it? Then their drinking excuses aren't validated. Am I like totally out there? I used to say Oh its okay that you ripped down the door and oh yes honey everything is fine and he continued to act violent during his binges. When I stopped responding at all to his apologies it has dwindled to not much violence and less binges. Is it because I validated his excuses before and "gave him permission" to act stupid while intoxicated? I think I just got sick of hearing how sorry he was and then he would turn around and do it over and over to the point where the I'm sorry's were pointless in my mind.
Just curious about what you guys think about this subject...


2many2count

2many2count

Last night my husband toldme that he was sorry about the other night and I told him that I was disappointed but I really didn't want to discuss it. Should I have let him speak or has he lost that right with me???????

2many2count

lyn_blossom78

2Many:

I don't have an answer for you, because I don't get apologies. That is, unless it goes something like this: "Uh, I'm sorry if what I said hurt your feelings, uh, but I can't help it if the truth hurts!" Nasty man, nasty man.

I think you are doing fine.

Hugs,
Lyn

Summer

I always tell mine that "actions speak louder than words"! Then walk away, no need to say anything else.
Summer

Gabe

the phrase "What you did was unacceptable" really works wonders. If you say "I don't want to talk about it" then you are ignoring the situation. If you screech and holler, you are making the situation worse. If you calmly tell your alcoholic that what they did (whatever it was) is unacceptable, you are telling them the truth in a hearable way. That doesn't mean they will hear it, but you have done your part to let them know that what they did is not "okay".
I think one of the hardest things that we Anons have to learn is to STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. It's NOT OKAY that they punched a hole in the drywall when they were raging and slamming Jack Daniels. It's NOT OKAY that they yelled at your child so much that your child went to bed in tears. It's NOT OKAY that they called you every name in the book and then passed out on the couch. Those things are NOT OKAY because we deserve so much better than that.
Peace,
Gabe

JT

I am with Gabe here...altho I hate the word "unacceptable" I won't elaborate...it just sounds so...so...judgemental.

Anyway by not acknowledging their attempts to worm their way out of what they are responsible for you leave it firmly in their lap. If you scream and yell they can turn it around and blame you. If you say "There there hon...that's ok" well...that speaks for itself.

"I am sorry" loses some of it's punch after 76,543 times. Personally I am fond of "actions speak louder than words"...or "Don't tell me...show me"

Hugs,
JT

2many2count

Thank you all for your thoughts.
I was very upset and I knew that if I let him justify his actions to me again then he would walk off feeling okay about it and I would still be miserable. I really believe that he already knows before he opens his mouth that he is wrong or he wouldn't open his mouth. If I respond to him and let him speak it'll just make me mad and I know this so I just tell him I'm disappointed (I'll try unacceptable) and I'm not going to discuss it with him. I hate Pity Parties! I can never have my own and I'm always the first on everybody elses invitation list
I refuse to be a doormat and let him make me miserable (and my kids)!!!!!!!

Thanks Again~~~~

2many2count

spedteach

Wow, some wonderful ideas here as to what to say when they are sorry for their behavior...but honestly, I think what the A is saying is more then that...I do believe my A is sorry but I also believe that he needs to wake up and make wiser choices. I think he's sorry he has a problem with drinking, for being such an a$% when he does drink, for letting our son down and for everything he's done to our family over the years..but I think that he uses all of these reasons for more excuses to drink! The idea of stating simply that its unacceptable or actions speak louder then words is WONDERFUL!!

I will definitely try those...right now, he's been very lowkey at my house...he hasn't drank since Saturday and he's been on this "we need to spend more time doing things together as husband and wife" kick...he has also made a few statements that what he did was "stupid"...I've left it alone and am letting him deal with it...before, I've bought right in and then the circle continues.

Thanks for the wonderful ideas!

Dreamer2

Believe me I can identify w/all of your post about hearing the same words over and over, which mean absolutely nothing. At some point, it becomes an insult to our intelligence and I love the phrase, "what you did was unexceptable". The walking on the egg shells was hard, never knowing what reaction to expect.

My alcoholic gave me the whole song and dance how he has seen he light, wants to get help, has to stop doing this to himself, and b/c of various accidents on his toys, (dirt bike, 4-wheeler) he said he will probably end up killing himself. Not to mention he is not setting a good example for his son, 17.

I thought, ahhhh, this is a breakthrough, finally, but the day he left, I asked him about that conversation about coming to his senses, and he told me it was all bullsh...., just what I wanted to hear. But it was all true, so how could he deny the truth? One accident did almost kill him on his dirtbike. He had to have emergency surgery and was lucky to be alive. This was nine months ago, and he is still under treatment and still healing.

2many2count, I think you are just tired of hearing the same old things and it hurts that he is insulting your intelligence too, and as Just Tired wrote, there is nothing more to say and actions speak louder than words at this point.

Is this life really worth all of this? He is not living w/me right now.

If someone had told me 5 years ago that my dh would have substance abuse problems, along with being emotionally abusive to me, blaming me, until it became apparent that it was not me, I would have told you you were nuts. I have been going through this w/him for 2 years now, and it is still so hard for me to accept this person who I don't even know anymore, as my dh. This person is a stranger to me. It's a very difficult thing to try to accept.

Hugs to all.

Dreamer2

Hi Spedteach. Just wanted to wish you and your s/o the best of luck with his problem. Sincerely hope you are not disappointed again, and that this may really be a start to getting back what you two need.

Sending good luck hugs your way.

spedteach

Thanks Dreamer2,

I hope this is something that is for the best for he and I...but I'll be guarded...and a realist!!! I hope things are well for you and your loved one as well.

I only hope for all of us that we can find peace and happiness and that our loved ones all find the strength they need to overcome this awful disease and we all find the strength we need to continue on.

2many2count

Spedteach...I'm glad to hear that you are having some peace on the homefront. It's nice, huh? Mine has been quiet as well and I'm enjoying it for the moment.

Everyones thoughts are awesome. I must remember to stay in control. I sometimes say things under my breath but he can't hear it His actions are his own and they belong to him and not me! There! I said it!


2many2count

spedteach

You go girl!!! Keep telling yourself that EVERY DAY!! I too am trying to remember that HE is in control of himself NOT me!! I am so use to being the "boss" in the classroom..you know, I set the rules, I enforce the rules, I correct my students when they break the rules...not that I am THAT wicked of a teacher, but I honestly think that I have an issue with liking to be in control....so it IS hard to sit back and watch someone hurt themselves...and not control them! hee hee!! I've said before "If everyone would just do what I want them to, I'd be happy 24/7"....but then again, we are all unique individuals and that is what makes us special!

I am enjoying the peace and quiet and the time we've been spending together..but, like I said before, I am cautious..enjoying it, but being realistic!! To be honest, we do have a long weekend ahead of us and it makes me wonder....but I won't go there, I'll live for today

Have a super evening! My bed is now calling my name

Tigeress

I never get "sorry" from him. He never remembers what he says or does the next day. Says, "I didn't say that or I didn't do that." He has no clue really.

2many2count

I used to never get I'm sorrys either. That was because I trampled on him as soon as he sobered up for tearing down the walls or wrecking the car, etc. Now I have learned to keep my mouth shut and go on with my life even if he has to stay home and be excluded. YOU HAVE TO GO ON, you have to move forward. You have to take care of you and kids if you have them. Y'ALL Come first! Put that in your mind and say it over and over and JUST DO IT!!!You will find peace there instead of constant pain.

Hugs to you~~~

2many2count

Dreamer2

You care, then you don't, then you feel sorry, then you don't. It's a love/hate relationship. Why do we do this?

Thanks to this board, reading everyone's experience learning that it is not our fault, has helped me tremendoulsy. I was starting to think it WAS me....NOT, and I'm trying to put some happiness back in my life. Without him I might add.

Hugs,

Sunshine28

I never get Im sorry either....but I still expect it. But that's when I usually say.....did you know what you did yesterday, which is usually answered with a "No"......but never an I'm sorry which of course then makes me feel like ok so you don;t give a shi*. But I do like that response "that was unaccaptable", I'll have to try that when I have the opportunity.

2many2count

Y'all I think that if we feel sorry for them we are making excuses for their behavior. Besides, who is out there feeling sorry for us for having to put up with such crap! I think you can love someone and not feel sorry for them. I guess I have gotten sick of my inlaws saying"He has a problem. I feel sorry for him." Well, excuse me but who in the heck am I? I'm raising your grandchildren you idiot. And I have to put up with your son acting like a fool and of course I have to put upwith your insane comments as well. I feel like I've married into the Funny Farm!


Sorry, just had to vent a little

2many2count

Dreamer2

Spedteach, I hope this gets to you. This is the first time I have used this option to post. I was hoping and praying that this holiday weekend went well w/u and your dh. Holidays always bring out the best in our A's. Hugs and hopes,

spedteach

Dreamer2,

Well, the weekend started off very rocky...he was cranky as all get out on Friday night and was asleep before 7pm for the night...Saturday, he was crankier!! He said he needed to "get away" for a couple of days...from our house, our son, me, everyone...finally, he blew up and went to the store...no surprises there, I knew it was coming...I could sense it you know?

I have been so busy with work and track that really, I haven't spent much, if any time at home so I promised myself that Saturday, no matter WHAT I was staying in my pjs as long as possible and not going ANYWHERE all day long! Well, he drank his beer, and I did what I wanted to do with laundry or cleaning or watching tv...just chilling. Finally, he said to me that he really needed to talk...he doesn't do that often, so I sat there and listened...besides, arguing wasn't worth it. He said "Why do I let things all boil up inside of me and wait until AFTER I've had a drink before I talk to anyone??" He went on to say that he wished he could talk and open up BEFORE he started drinking because then maybe he wouldn't even want to drink (hm....back to admitting he has a problem??)....I offered no advice..which is rare for me He did go on and on about his dad and their relationship and the only thing I did was validate his feelings about that...I do think his dad has been pretty rotten to his kids lately, since he got his new chick and acts like his kids/grandkids no longer exist...and then he said something that shocked me. He said that he had something to tell me that he knew would upset me...I said "What is there someone else?" and he said "Yes, but it's not what you are thinking." I knew right away where he was going with this. Before we met, he dated a girl for 6 months and had just gotten engaged to her..they were engaged like 2 weeks and she was killed in a car accident....she was 17 or 18..he was 19....so, really, who knows if they would have ever gotten married but, it's not like they broke up..she died.... He told me that not a day goes by that he doesn't think of her and wonder what might have happened had she lived....I sat there VERY quiet....I knew that when he was drinking was not the time to approach him...I knew what I wanted to say and how but I also knew my timing was important (wow, I am growing here huh ) Then, he said it didn't mean that he didn't love me or that he didn't want us to be married, that in fact, I was the best thing that has ever happened to him....he was very loving...wanted to hold me and all that....and he stopped drinking... I waited and on Sunday, afternoon...well, really, early evening, we chatted. He hasn't had a drink since, but again, I am just being cautious, don' know if he made any break throughs or not with all of this, but he was the sweetest, nicest, most helpful guy...we worked on our landscaping all day Sunday and did a super job if I may say so myself!! We had a great day on Monday as well!

Okay, I did have a talk with him...I've discussed this issue with a counselor and know that when someone dies, it can take YEARS for them to really deal with it...and that especially when someone dies so young and unexpectedly, it can be something you question forever...I am not feeling threatened by what he said for a few reasons, one I am alive..I am here.. secondly, it's been 12 years since she died and he himself has stated a few times, he doesn't know what would have happened with them. Most importantly, it's not like they broke up..she DIED...I can not imagine how hard that would be to deal with, but I do know that honestly, in some ways, this has made him and I closer...I mean, I never knew her, but I am the only person that he has really ever talked to about it because everyone that did know her, wants to avoid the situation...unfortunately, it did happen and it is a part of his past but I did tell him that he needs to not worry so much about what could have been or what might have been with her, when he has a wife and a son NOW and that he needs to think about us! I also told him, I think it's normal to think about her...I mean, my grandma died, so has my grandpa and an uncle and I think of them from time to time and miss them...so that is totally normal! I think I made him feel better about thinking of her sometimes...It's taken me a long time to get to this point....It's not been easy....but I am there and it will be something we may have to deal with again...
I hope you had a good weekend!