Can we talk about
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Can we talk about
intimacy?
So, the circle goes.....
He thinks he deserves sex
I don't want to have it
He thinks the wife should put out
I still have vivid images of him comatosed in the recliner with drool hanging out of his mouth from last week
He complains if he doesn't get it
I worry that he's going to get mad, but I still don't want it
He drinks & makes comments about not wanting to have sex with me either
Now I REALLY don't want it
He gets sober.. errrrr, I mean "clean", and now I should have no excuse
But I still don't want it
Just asking for it doesn't get me in the mood, neither does pouting, drooling, poking, pinching, drinking, showing me the goods, waking me up, complaining or pitching a fit. I can't say yes just so he "may" not drink. I can't say yes when he's actively drinking (without losing more of my self-esteem).
When did he either completely forget how to romance me, or just quit trying?
So, the circle goes.....
He thinks he deserves sex
I don't want to have it
He thinks the wife should put out
I still have vivid images of him comatosed in the recliner with drool hanging out of his mouth from last week
He complains if he doesn't get it
I worry that he's going to get mad, but I still don't want it
He drinks & makes comments about not wanting to have sex with me either
Now I REALLY don't want it
He gets sober.. errrrr, I mean "clean", and now I should have no excuse
But I still don't want it
Just asking for it doesn't get me in the mood, neither does pouting, drooling, poking, pinching, drinking, showing me the goods, waking me up, complaining or pitching a fit. I can't say yes just so he "may" not drink. I can't say yes when he's actively drinking (without losing more of my self-esteem).
When did he either completely forget how to romance me, or just quit trying?
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
I never got how my X would say something that was meant to hurt my feelings, then act shocked that *gasp* I didn't want to roll over and put out!
He was also shocked that a case of diet pepsi burst in the trunk of his car in the middle of a negative-degree, new england winter. He said he thought diet wouldn't explode. Above the laws of physics, I guess...
Life and physics on his terms...
He was also shocked that a case of diet pepsi burst in the trunk of his car in the middle of a negative-degree, new england winter. He said he thought diet wouldn't explode. Above the laws of physics, I guess...
Life and physics on his terms...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Thanks for reminding me why Im glas AH is not here.
He had to have it twice a day, and if real irritated would complain half the time too. The more he wanted it, and never tried seducing or ramance, the less I desired it, and thats not me.
He should make you feel loved and like a woman if not he doesnt deserve it
He had to have it twice a day, and if real irritated would complain half the time too. The more he wanted it, and never tried seducing or ramance, the less I desired it, and thats not me.
He should make you feel loved and like a woman if not he doesnt deserve it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
My STBXH (not an A) thought he deserved sex too. Now, he was a workaholic and I am discovering many of the same dynamics in relationships both with As and other types of addicts. If addiction is all about compensating for what is missing in life then I am going to suggest that all addicts are unable to form healthy give-and-take relationships as first they need to satisfy the addiction.
I couldn't have sex with my STBXH on his terms as I felt that he wasn't giving to me what I felt I deserved within the relationship....emotional intimacy! And, I have discovered that sexual urges with ABF have waned to almost nil because, once again, I am not getting emotional intimacy from him. There was a time when I believed in him but then his addiction became more important.
You can't carry on a proper conversation with a drunk so ABF is no longer meeting MY needs within the relationship. I can barely have a conversation with him on the phone any more.
As for sex? Forget it...I got turned off last time I saw him for ten days last January. He arrived drunk and stayed drunk for the entire visit. He stank of alcohol. Combine that with frequent sessions in the bathroom of him throwing up or coping with an upset stomach well.......sorry.......ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ww. Most of the time, he talked drunken gibberish and I can't get those sounds and images to go away now. I think he'd have to be sober for a year around me to convince me to climb back into bed with him.
I quite understand your reluctance, respektingme!
ARL
I couldn't have sex with my STBXH on his terms as I felt that he wasn't giving to me what I felt I deserved within the relationship....emotional intimacy! And, I have discovered that sexual urges with ABF have waned to almost nil because, once again, I am not getting emotional intimacy from him. There was a time when I believed in him but then his addiction became more important.
You can't carry on a proper conversation with a drunk so ABF is no longer meeting MY needs within the relationship. I can barely have a conversation with him on the phone any more.
As for sex? Forget it...I got turned off last time I saw him for ten days last January. He arrived drunk and stayed drunk for the entire visit. He stank of alcohol. Combine that with frequent sessions in the bathroom of him throwing up or coping with an upset stomach well.......sorry.......ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ww. Most of the time, he talked drunken gibberish and I can't get those sounds and images to go away now. I think he'd have to be sober for a year around me to convince me to climb back into bed with him.
I quite understand your reluctance, respektingme!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I guess in some ways I've been fortunate that my AH lost all interest in sex some years ago. It bothered me at first since I've always enjoyed that part of life, but Lord knows there is no interest now on my part.
It sounds to me as if this may be a boundary issue for you. One where you need to decide jsut what it is you want and under what circumstances.
It sounds to me as if this may be a boundary issue for you. One where you need to decide jsut what it is you want and under what circumstances.
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
It's bad enough when you are dating and you fined your self getting intamet with someone who could care less about you, but when it's the one you love and he wans what he wants and what you want and how you feel is not even in the furthest corner of his mined..... Not only is that a turn off, it hurts like hell.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
My XAH lost all interest in sex, to the point that when he left, he told me he "Hadn't turned gay". He has so many issues with alcohol, drugs, and chemical imbalance that the man who once bragged he would never need viagra, well, needed viagra. I had lost that "lovin' feeling" long before, when I started needing to hold my breath when he kissed me, because his breath reeked of Bud, pot, and unbrushed teeth. Romantic, huh? Towards the end, he tried to push me into wierd stuff to try to get himself excited. Then, when I refused, I was a lousy f^&*. Addiction is great for the love life, huh????
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I went thru 25 yrs of so called togetherness....or marriage...
We definitely had our ups and downs....in all areas of our
life...
In our marriage i was the one with the disease of alcoholism....
He was the normal one.....7 yrs into the marriage the family did
and intervention on me and thus spent 28 days recieving the tools
and knowledge in rehab....they did for me what i couldnt do
for myself....
However,,,when i got sober i began to change....which is what
we r suppose to do....but as they say,,,,when one person in
the family is sick everyone is affected by the illness....
Anyway...all the things i use to do when drinking...i didnt
feel comfortable doing any longer....
The intimacy part...well...that part was good when all
was good between us...when we agreed and connected...
but if something pizzed me off or if things didnt go my
way,,,,watch out....
Of course men and their high testosterone levels 24 7
a day well....women are not like that....women associate
everything with emotions...men its all mechanical.
I guess once a couple gets married and u begin to take
each other for granted.....then it begins to cause problems
or friction between the 2.
Theres a give and take in a marriage and and over looking of
lots of things....
In our case we fell apart...im not sure if i got married
for all the right reasons in the beginning....i was however
at the beginning of my drinking carrer....
Anyway,,,,today after 25 yrs...we r separated,,,,he remains
in Houston where he wants to be and me i returned home
to Baton Rouge where i also want to be....
Looking back on my 25 yrs...would i go back....i dont think
so....im happier today and freer than ive ever been...
As far as intimacy and relationships in recovery....well...im planning
on being in a long term courting session if it ever happens...
All the feelings and excitement that one has when u first
meet someone and u never want it to end....well thats what
im looking for....no strings or attachments....nothing serious...
It's time to live my new life single and sober in recovery....
No pawing, no harrassing, no snoring, no bad breath, no scedules,
no rules....well....the right rules in recovery,,,,for me....
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people like
you here in SR i havent had a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and u i am truely grateful.
Thanks for letting me share.
We definitely had our ups and downs....in all areas of our
life...
In our marriage i was the one with the disease of alcoholism....
He was the normal one.....7 yrs into the marriage the family did
and intervention on me and thus spent 28 days recieving the tools
and knowledge in rehab....they did for me what i couldnt do
for myself....
However,,,when i got sober i began to change....which is what
we r suppose to do....but as they say,,,,when one person in
the family is sick everyone is affected by the illness....
Anyway...all the things i use to do when drinking...i didnt
feel comfortable doing any longer....
The intimacy part...well...that part was good when all
was good between us...when we agreed and connected...
but if something pizzed me off or if things didnt go my
way,,,,watch out....
Of course men and their high testosterone levels 24 7
a day well....women are not like that....women associate
everything with emotions...men its all mechanical.
I guess once a couple gets married and u begin to take
each other for granted.....then it begins to cause problems
or friction between the 2.
Theres a give and take in a marriage and and over looking of
lots of things....
In our case we fell apart...im not sure if i got married
for all the right reasons in the beginning....i was however
at the beginning of my drinking carrer....
Anyway,,,,today after 25 yrs...we r separated,,,,he remains
in Houston where he wants to be and me i returned home
to Baton Rouge where i also want to be....
Looking back on my 25 yrs...would i go back....i dont think
so....im happier today and freer than ive ever been...
As far as intimacy and relationships in recovery....well...im planning
on being in a long term courting session if it ever happens...
All the feelings and excitement that one has when u first
meet someone and u never want it to end....well thats what
im looking for....no strings or attachments....nothing serious...
It's time to live my new life single and sober in recovery....
No pawing, no harrassing, no snoring, no bad breath, no scedules,
no rules....well....the right rules in recovery,,,,for me....
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people like
you here in SR i havent had a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and u i am truely grateful.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You're not a piece of meat. He can't order you. Think about it. Sex? Yeah, I had to put up with the groping and fondling for awhile, but I said no and I meant NO. I also found it helped to have separate bedrooms. Of course he'll get mad, he'll pout, he'll act weird, he'll try to scare you. I put up with that stuff for about 18 months. Sometimes I gave in just to get him to leave me alone. Finally, I stood my ground. When AH realized I meant business and wasn't going to back down from that boundary, he slithered away.
Fortunately, he finally lost interest in me completely, and that included the sexual part of the relationship. It's bad enough I tolerated being emotionally manipulated for six-plus years. I was doggoned if I was going to be sexually manipulated too. As far as I'm concerned, AH can find or pay someone else to perform services needed, take the self-gratification route, or do his online porno "thing". As long as he doesn't invade my space, I don't concern myself with his sex life or lack thereof.
Fortunately, he finally lost interest in me completely, and that included the sexual part of the relationship. It's bad enough I tolerated being emotionally manipulated for six-plus years. I was doggoned if I was going to be sexually manipulated too. As far as I'm concerned, AH can find or pay someone else to perform services needed, take the self-gratification route, or do his online porno "thing". As long as he doesn't invade my space, I don't concern myself with his sex life or lack thereof.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sex is a functional act, making love is an emotional one. When there is no love, no emotion, no respect, I am not interested. I just say, no.
I may be way off tract here, but it's how I feel.
I may be way off tract here, but it's how I feel.
Getting Over It
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
sex has been a BIG issue with us since he got sober in Jan. When I refuse, I "must have a boyfriend." Last wk, he even suggested I might be involved with a female!!! We went to our first Christian Counseling, and the therapist says that I am sinning by refusing my husband sex and that it was in the Bible!!! He was quite smug after that and I would have liked to strangle the lady!!!!!! Then she asked if he thought he was pushing me to do it and he said he didnt think so.... Yea, okay! She then told him not to touch me, kiss me, hug me until our next session to give me time/space. Well, that didnt last 4 hrs!!! Sigh....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
That is one thing i could not agree on...the saying in the
bible....i mean i understand how we are suppose to obey
and all that cr**.... and that its a sin if we hold back...
sex should not be used selfishly or lightly.....
Being a Catholic...i do have faith in my HP but i cant believe
he would want any of us to feel used or abused or anything
but loving in a relationship or marriage....
For many yrs i felt like i was being pawed on...groped at...harrassed...
Even when i tried to explain how i didnt like it or not like being
treated like a piece of ...whatever....he never understood....and
i got tired of explaining how i felt....Youd think after saying it once
dont touch me there or that way and i meant it...it would sink in....
maybe for 5 minutes...or a day then here we go again....
Does my word mean anything to u.....
How pizzed id be...How angry i felt....i felt like i was a no body...not
respected....
And i had my reasons why i held back....he pizzed me off a many a times
....many....i cried so much over how i felt for so long....
Today im free....we r separated due to a chance for me to move
back home to Baton Rouge where he wanted to stay in Houston...
of course he will say i abandoned him....
Would i go back....not to Houston I wont....lol
Him...whatever my HP wants or has in store for me....
Right now...my heart and soul and recovery is in
Baton Rouge.
bible....i mean i understand how we are suppose to obey
and all that cr**.... and that its a sin if we hold back...
sex should not be used selfishly or lightly.....
Being a Catholic...i do have faith in my HP but i cant believe
he would want any of us to feel used or abused or anything
but loving in a relationship or marriage....
For many yrs i felt like i was being pawed on...groped at...harrassed...
Even when i tried to explain how i didnt like it or not like being
treated like a piece of ...whatever....he never understood....and
i got tired of explaining how i felt....Youd think after saying it once
dont touch me there or that way and i meant it...it would sink in....
maybe for 5 minutes...or a day then here we go again....
Does my word mean anything to u.....
How pizzed id be...How angry i felt....i felt like i was a no body...not
respected....
And i had my reasons why i held back....he pizzed me off a many a times
....many....i cried so much over how i felt for so long....
Today im free....we r separated due to a chance for me to move
back home to Baton Rouge where he wanted to stay in Houston...
of course he will say i abandoned him....
Would i go back....not to Houston I wont....lol
Him...whatever my HP wants or has in store for me....
Right now...my heart and soul and recovery is in
Baton Rouge.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by daisyjen 
We went to our first Christian Counseling, and the therapist says that I am sinning by refusing my husband sex and that it was in the Bible!!!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by aasharon90
That is one thing i could not agree on...the saying in the
bible....i mean i understand how we are suppose to obey
and all that cr**.... and that its a sin if we hold back...
sex should not be used selfishly or lightly.....
Being a Catholic...i do have faith in my HP but i cant believe
he would want any of us to feel used or abused or anything
but loving in a relationship or marriage....
bible....i mean i understand how we are suppose to obey
and all that cr**.... and that its a sin if we hold back...
sex should not be used selfishly or lightly.....
Being a Catholic...i do have faith in my HP but i cant believe
he would want any of us to feel used or abused or anything
but loving in a relationship or marriage....
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by daisyjen
sex has been a BIG issue with us since he got sober in Jan. When I refuse, I "must have a boyfriend." Last wk, he even suggested I might be involved with a female!!!
Originally Posted by daisyjen
We went to our first Christian Counseling, and the therapist says that I am sinning by refusing my husband sex and that it was in the Bible!!!
Originally Posted by daisyjen
He was quite smug after that and I would have liked to strangle the lady!!!!!! Then she asked if he thought he was pushing me to do it and he said he didnt think so....
Originally Posted by daisyjen
Yea, okay! She then told him not to touch me, kiss me, hug me until our next session to give me time/space. Well, that didnt last 4 hrs!!! Sigh....
I agree with her but I disagree with her maybe more so.
1 Corinthians 7:5
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Did she tell him to be in prayer till the next meeting?
The satan tempting part of this verse is why I would agree with her.
In this verse I find the answer and how I would have counseled him...
1 Corinthians 7:4
The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
My selfish desires as a husband vs my needs as a male... I need be Christ towards my wife and think of her first above my own needs.
If it takes 29 days of backrubs for her to get in the mood... as male Christian husband...that is what I need do. All that my wife is and does is for my pleasure BUT.... "All" that I do or don't do should be for her pleasure.
In God's eyes... the responsabilty rests on me as the man to do what is right.
God made Adam first. God set things up so that the man "should" be the leader and take his responsabilty as such and that the women is an equal helpmate.
The guy acts...the woman reacts to help him in a Godly manner.
As for what scripture says of each of our rolls in a marriage... We do as God would like so to please God...if one of the two isn't following as God would like...the other may win them over by example.
Boundaries and proper actions need come into play in the middle of all this but one thing that should never happen...sex should not be used as a tool to punish or manipulate.
A reality that happens often...satan will tempt and a weak spirited person could wander... for that reason I agree with the counselor...I see no other reason why she should say such to you. She also set a boundary... hands off till the next meeting with her. I would follow through with her boundary as your own till the next meeting and see what she says next.
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