Can't do this anymore....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2
Can't do this anymore....
Hi everyone, I'm new to all this but it seems I've finally found my voice.
I'm a 31 year old mother of two beautiful boys, aged 4 and 11, my 11 year old is from a previous relationship (with a heroin addict, but thats another story) I have been with my boyfriend for almost six years, and the drinking has always been a problem, but its a problem I always thought would just "get better"
I'm not that naive any more. I need to take my children and myself away from this, but I don't know how. We live together in my house, I owned it outright when we met so I am reluctant to leave, besides my children it is all I have. His name is not on the title or on any bills. If I ask him to leave he gets angry, threatening to take my house and my kids off me. My rational mind knows this wouldn't happen, but he is very good at playing mind games and I start to doubt myself. I think he is scared because he doesn't really have anywhere to go, drinking has caused him to burn a lot of bridges.
I can't get help from my family, they are drug addicts themselves ( anyone seeing a pattern here ? lol) and I don't really have any friends. I've been too busy the last few years trying to hold everything together. But I can't do that anymore. I can't believe anything my bf says, the promises that he'll go back to AA next week, no next week, NEXT week for sure. He went to four meetings last year, told them all how easy not drinking was, then couldn't face them when he inevitably relapsed.
How do I literally get him out of the house ? I'm so, so tired and confused. Any advice much appreciated, sorry if this is rambling, I've been up all night making sure drunk bf didn't set the house on fire, he gets the urge to cook sometimes.
I'm a 31 year old mother of two beautiful boys, aged 4 and 11, my 11 year old is from a previous relationship (with a heroin addict, but thats another story) I have been with my boyfriend for almost six years, and the drinking has always been a problem, but its a problem I always thought would just "get better"
I'm not that naive any more. I need to take my children and myself away from this, but I don't know how. We live together in my house, I owned it outright when we met so I am reluctant to leave, besides my children it is all I have. His name is not on the title or on any bills. If I ask him to leave he gets angry, threatening to take my house and my kids off me. My rational mind knows this wouldn't happen, but he is very good at playing mind games and I start to doubt myself. I think he is scared because he doesn't really have anywhere to go, drinking has caused him to burn a lot of bridges.
I can't get help from my family, they are drug addicts themselves ( anyone seeing a pattern here ? lol) and I don't really have any friends. I've been too busy the last few years trying to hold everything together. But I can't do that anymore. I can't believe anything my bf says, the promises that he'll go back to AA next week, no next week, NEXT week for sure. He went to four meetings last year, told them all how easy not drinking was, then couldn't face them when he inevitably relapsed.
How do I literally get him out of the house ? I'm so, so tired and confused. Any advice much appreciated, sorry if this is rambling, I've been up all night making sure drunk bf didn't set the house on fire, he gets the urge to cook sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, beautymustdie, glad you're here!
Have you spoken with an attorney yet? There are always choices and opportunities, and when I finally met with a lawyer, I had the information that gave me strength.
Keep posting - you are not alone.
Have you spoken with an attorney yet? There are always choices and opportunities, and when I finally met with a lawyer, I had the information that gave me strength.
Keep posting - you are not alone.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
welcome beauty .. glad you are here although sorry for your circumstances .
I would contact a lawyer and also talk to the police in your town . I know it sounds drastic but really , he has no right to stay in your house and the cops should be able to make him go . Then you will also have a record of his drinking and abusive behavior so if he shows up again the police will know what they are dealing with .
Lots of luck to you , knowing what the right thing to do is , doesnt make it easier to do it , be strong and keep posting ..
((()))
M
I would contact a lawyer and also talk to the police in your town . I know it sounds drastic but really , he has no right to stay in your house and the cops should be able to make him go . Then you will also have a record of his drinking and abusive behavior so if he shows up again the police will know what they are dealing with .
Lots of luck to you , knowing what the right thing to do is , doesnt make it easier to do it , be strong and keep posting ..
((()))
M
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I found myself in same position with house and kids and AH having no real rights to it. For me what helped was seeing a lawyer, he assuredme the threats of my husband and my fears couldnt happen. Husband still played mind games and I still doubted so I called attorney again and he faxed me specific statutes or laws on that subject I have them posted inside my bathroom counter and a few other places so whenever I worry I can reassure myself of the law on it.
Im still struggling with it and havent atually files for divorce yet, but Im more sure of my rights and lack of, and when Im ready for the court thing nothing he can say will intimidate me
Im still struggling with it and havent atually files for divorce yet, but Im more sure of my rights and lack of, and when Im ready for the court thing nothing he can say will intimidate me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The advice to see and attorney seems right to me also. You can get him out of the house with a court order if necessary. And if he seems threatening in anyway, call 911 and the police will help you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Welcome aboard Beauty......ditto to all the above.....what will it hurt for you to get a professional opinion on the subject? Just call a lawyer - alot of them will give you a phone consultation...free. Make the call hunny
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
welcome beauty ((((()))))
here in the states, in my county, there are also advocacy programs available through the court systems......all we have to do here is call the prosectors office and ask for help....they refer us to the advocacy program, and these people are on it like a duck on a junebug. sadly, too often, the person seeking the help, relents and goes back with the person they are trying to get away from.
good luck
and the advocacy help is free.
here in the states, in my county, there are also advocacy programs available through the court systems......all we have to do here is call the prosectors office and ask for help....they refer us to the advocacy program, and these people are on it like a duck on a junebug. sadly, too often, the person seeking the help, relents and goes back with the person they are trying to get away from.
good luck
and the advocacy help is free.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Beauty,
I had the same issues; it was my house, he wouldn't leave, I wouldn't leave, the situation was dreadful and I finally decided I had to save myself.
I had to sell the house out from under him. I put it on the market, sold it, and THEN I was free. I didn't want to, but my freedom was worth having to find another house that I loved....even if I had to rent for a spell while I was looking. The freedom from danger and worry was downright intoxicating, worth it all.
The other suggestions here are excellent too. He's blowing smoke, and it's time to get an attorney involved because That Will Shut His Pie Hole (as they say) and get him to stop playing mind games with you.
Save yourself and your kids.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I had the same issues; it was my house, he wouldn't leave, I wouldn't leave, the situation was dreadful and I finally decided I had to save myself.
I had to sell the house out from under him. I put it on the market, sold it, and THEN I was free. I didn't want to, but my freedom was worth having to find another house that I loved....even if I had to rent for a spell while I was looking. The freedom from danger and worry was downright intoxicating, worth it all.
The other suggestions here are excellent too. He's blowing smoke, and it's time to get an attorney involved because That Will Shut His Pie Hole (as they say) and get him to stop playing mind games with you.
Save yourself and your kids.
Hugs,
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
In Florida it is very easy to get a no trespass order, simply call the prosecutor's office or the police. Fill out the forms and they are no longer allowed on your property. If they violate this they are arrested.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2
Wow, thank you all for your advice and support. I posted all that after a long, sleepless night with highlights including drunk bf ripping down the back gate and urinating in a box of candles in the living room.
When he finally regained consciousness that day he had no memory at all of the night before and when i filled him in and told him he had to leave he broke down. Begged me to drive him to the next AA meeting. Went to two meetings that day, and nearly every day since.
I so badly want to believe that its for real this time, but I can't let myself. I've been let down too many times. It has been six days now, and to my thinking it's all seemed very easy. Too easy ? Confused.
Either way I think I'll consult that attorney, for my own peace of mind.
When he finally regained consciousness that day he had no memory at all of the night before and when i filled him in and told him he had to leave he broke down. Begged me to drive him to the next AA meeting. Went to two meetings that day, and nearly every day since.
I so badly want to believe that its for real this time, but I can't let myself. I've been let down too many times. It has been six days now, and to my thinking it's all seemed very easy. Too easy ? Confused.
Either way I think I'll consult that attorney, for my own peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Beauty, we all wanted to believe that "This time" it would be different, "this time" would be the time our A would change, etc. For a few, that "This time" finally came (after countless "this times") and for others, it never did come - whether we stayed or not.
I hope that you'll continue to post here and share your journey. But I also hope that you'll still go see an attorney for your own peace of mind. There's no harm in being educated and prepared.
I hope that you'll continue to post here and share your journey. But I also hope that you'll still go see an attorney for your own peace of mind. There's no harm in being educated and prepared.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
