Its time to leave
 

I reached a decision this evening that it is time to leave. After one last attempt to get my AH to understand that his drinking is not at "normal" levels and asking him to go to AA or a recovery program and being told he doesn't have a drinking problem, he can quit whenever he wants but he doesn't want to, yada, yada, yada, I have decided to go apartment hunting tomorrow. I do not intend to tell my AH that I am leaving until its a done deal since I do not need the arguments and drama that are inevitable. In fact I think its probably best to not tell him until the day before and to then ask him to go away while I pack and move out.

Once I'm out, the next step will be to see an attorney and protect my rights concerning our home and draw up a formal separation agreement.

I told my 18 yr old son who lives with us that we will be movign as soon as possible. He was initially surprised but after a few moments the surprise left 'cause he sure knows what life is like around here.

The time has come to separate myself from this man and save my son and myself.

Hi, Barbara52. I understand where you're coming from. When we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, when we've nagged, begged, pleaded, and exhausted ourselves we let go and leave. What you are doing is saving yourself from going down with the ship, and that's an act of self-love. I wish you the best in finding a place where you can live in peace and serenity. You have made a wise and courageous decision.

I don't understand why you have to tell him anything until after the fact just wait until he leaves pack and go...then there will be no drama.

Thing is if you leave he will have possession of the house. As far as I know the one who leaves has less rights. So you might want to check that before you leave.

Thank you prodigal. I konw its the right thing to do for me and my sons. Its also the right thing to do for AH. He's not ever gonna admit to his disease until he has to face it.

If it weren't for the house payments, this would be a no brainer. I'm going to have to get a lawyer to tell me how to handle that one. I'm going to have to keep up the payments out of the equity line for some period of time (since its in my name too) until a way can be found to make him agree to sell it. But first things first. I learning to accept making baby steps. Although this is a pretty danged big baby step.

He's unemployed and sits around the house all day. I will have to specifically ask him to leave the house for the day so I can throw everything into boxes and get out.

The mortgage is based solely on my income (easy enough to prove if necessary) since he's been out of work for close to 2 years now. He will not leave. He will not accept that we have to sell the house since we can't continue to live the way we used to on just my salary. He will end up realizing he has to move when the utilities get cut off because he has no money at all coming in. Lord knows what way he'll find to buy the booze.

We got married 4 years ago and added a second story to the house he already owned. Its now worth a whole heck of a lot. If he can find a way to buy me out, I'd be happy as a clam. I probably could get a court to order him out but I'll take my chances. At worst, I lose my share of the equity. At this point, leaving is worth that financial cost. But I don't think that is a likely outcome.

Good luck with everything - do you mind if I ask why you and your son are the ones moving out?

It sounds as if both of your names are on the title to the house. If he wants to stay and you want to leave, he has to pay you half the equity in the house. The other choice is to sell the house and split the profit from the sale. I agree with splendra on this one - don't leave until he's out of the house, then get some movers to come in, pack your stuff and get out. However, don't do this until you consult an attorney. In an equity state, it's a bit more challenging regarding who should stay or leave. Also, the division of property depends on the length of the marriage, who contributed what, minor children, if any, and other factors. It sounds as if the two of you have been married for quite some time. The longer the better in an equity state.

I don't mind you asking at all denny57. Mostly its because I don't want to live in this big old house anymore. Too many bad memories. Its a 6 bedroom house, built when we married to acccomodate his 3 daughters and my 2 sons. His daughters are basically out of his life because of his drinking. My older son is rarely around because he's in college and stays with his dad when in the area. Only my 18 yr old is withus full time while he goes to college locally.

The dreams this house was built to accommodate have been broken beyond repair.

We married 4 years ago and his minor daughters live with their mother.

I will give a quick call to my attorney on Monday to make sure I won't be screwing myself though.

AH will probably try to convince his mother to either buy me out of the house directly or try to get her to refinance and pay me my share of the equity that way. I don't know if he'll have any success. Selling the house is the only really viable option. Even if he suddenly manages to get a job, its not going to pay enough to meet the mortgage payments.

Good luck to you in your apartment search, Barbara. You will succeed. You can't control what isn't yours to control.

ARL

I understand your need to want to get away from your house, just make sur eyou don't screw yourself financially.

Earthworm

Barbara, bravo to you on reaching this decision and best of luck in finding a place to live. We're here to support you through the process.

~ghm

I did think I knew what AH would probably do, too. I was wrong on many counts. I didn't anticipate the depth of the anger and the lengths he'd go to. On the flip side of the house issue, AH was the one who left and 2 years later I am still here. I know he thought I'd have no way of affording to stay in it; would agree to sell, etc. In those 2 years he and his attorneys have tried numerous times to get me to go. I've learned the process can drag out for a very long time.

I think speaking with the attorney before physically removing yourself is a great idea.

Good luck!

Perhaps you would be wise to talk to the attorney FIRST,unless you have already done that. He /she may have others recommendations (and even suggest that AH leave).

Best of luck to you;I know it is hard. I see how "lucky" I was that AH did the leaving in our family.

Keep us posted.

opps.I see you covered this already! ;)

I found an apartment. It great. Real big and at a great price. Only problem is its not available until 9/8. Temporary housing in the DC area would run somewhere around $4000 which is way beyond my limits! Amazingly my first husband and his wife have offered me the use of their house for about 3 weeks before I move in to the new place (you coulda knocked me over with a feather when they made that offer!).

So how the hell do I manage to stay here and stay sane for 6 wks or so?

don't have much advice, but wanted to send you support. you and/or your son going to alanon?

blessings, k

Barbara52,
What helped me stay sane while planning my move was the knowledge that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. You've done it this long, it's only another two months, and then you'll be in your own place. It will give you time to get your other ducks in order too (if you have to). Much luck and peace to you in your new place, and stay strong for now!!!!
Teree

My son has an excellent therapist who will be helping him thru all this. I've asked her to start seeing me also. I do intend to start going to Alanon as soon as I find a meeting time/place that works for me.

Thank you for your support.

Barbara, you're not alone. I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. We'll go virtually together. Good luck to you in your quest for a fresh start. I think you deserve it, everybody deserves happiness and peace.

Six weeks isn't so long in the grand scheme. Any conversations with a lawyer?