Barbara52

respektingme, I am coming to realize what a long road I have before me and am so thankful a recovering alcoholic I know from another forum pointed me to this place. It has been so helpful to share my story and read other people's stories. And the support is very real in here.

Welcome and I hope you find this as useful and uplifting as I have.

Barbara52

Yes, I've hired an attorney and she is great. There is no real problem with me moving out since she will be serving him with the initial papers the day I do move out to thwart the only possible snag, that of him trying to claim abandonment. She is a great attorney and I feel real good about having hired her.

Barbara52

I have also finally talked with my pastor and, wonderful man that he is, I feel so loved by him and thru him the rest of the congregation. He fully understands that I ahve to get out and to a place of safety and serenity and that this is also the best thing I can do at this point for my AH.

One good thing that has come out of talking to him is the bare bones of a plan on who can be there for my AH when I leave since he is going to need help. We will be keeping in touch and work this out so that perhaps they can do an intervention.

dollydo

I am a planner, both short term and long term...mainly long term.

When I knew I had to leave my first husband, I had a long term plan, believe it or not, it was a 3 year plan. First I paid off my car, then I saved and saved, then I lined up a new job out of state, then I put the house up for sale...and then on 4th of July weekend 1984, I made my move, literally, he was served with the divorce papers, the moving van pulled up, loaded up my stuff, I got in my car and drove to New Jersey to start my new life. All my planning went off without a hitch.

I endured the 3 years by working on my plan, I was on a mission from god, and living those three years were the easiest three years of my life with him, because, I knew it was over, and I would go no further.

My planning tecniques are not for everyone as I am not an instant gratification type person, I am a planner, left, right, left, right.

I am happy that you found a nice apartment, and you have a strong support system.

You sound strong, good for you!

Barbara52

One of the reasons to get out is that the divorce laws require living separately for at least 6 months. I want that particular clock to start ticking.

I am blessed with a wonderful group of friends and allies in real life as well as the cyberworld. Both help so much.

cinderellawkids

I moved from my premarital home, paid only morgage cause Im trying to sell, AH had not worked for a ehile besides occassional sporadic, in 4 months has worked maybe 4 days, not paid a penny on the house or in childsupport, all his utilities are cut off, he has no money for food, yet he manages to somehow keep finding liquor , almost by the truckload (and thats the amouiunt of empty bottles in the backyard.)

He's started collecting scrap metal and making $15 a day which is just enough for McDs and another bottle. On top of that he's managing to find more enablers to allow him to shower, wash his clothes ect. even someone to allow him to use their truck

I thought for sure he'd leave without utilities, its been 8 weeks without them and he's still there, Had a lapse of judgment and let him stay with me a few days, all that did was fill his belly and he's back washing his pain away with a bottle

dollydo

Yes, each states requirements are different, and you have to go with the flow.

You have all your ducks in a row.

Barbara52

Things are moving fast for me. I decided I have to get out ASAP, more for the well being of my sons than myself. I could wait it out but they are having a hard time with the idea. My older son doesn't live with me (he's 22) and feels guilty 'cause he didn't know how bad it was. Although I've told him there was no way he could have known since he lives elsewhere and that I hid it from him, he is very worried about me staying. My 18 YO is really having a hard time of it. He has the option to go stay with his father but won't since he thinks he has to stay and protect me.

So today I rented a basement apartment that's available immediately and will get us to the move in date with the permanent apartment. I have to say it also makes me feel like a load is off my shoulders, knowing I will be out of this situation.

I am now in the process of arranging to move Saturday late afternoon while AH is out picking up his daughters at the airport. (The Lord knows I need AH out of the house and has arranged this, I am certain.) I am not saying anything ahead of time because I do not want the drama and inevitable anger. I am going to leave a letter for him to be given to him by my pastor, who will be waiting for him when AH gets home. My pastor, a RA who has been where my AH is, and perhaps some other good men will try to do an intervention.

I'm scared and excited at the same time. I so need to leave. I know its the right thing to do. But, boy, is this a big step.

And I have my first appointment with a therapist Friday evening with my son.

Pick-a-name

(((Barbara))) you will all be in my prayers. Please keep us posted.

TexasGirl

I definitely know what you mean about not telling him. I knew he had the ability to change my mind if I gave him the opportunity, so I didn't say a word. Then again, I didn't plan the exact date I would go either, although it had been building for some time. I woke up knowing it was the day, so I packed, got dressed, and woke him up on the way out to let him know. I was breathing so hard, and I was terrified, but I just stayed focused.

I know it's hard, but you sound so strong.

Best to you.

Barbara52

I am being strong. I am being strong for my sons, much easier to do than being strong for myself. And I have found I have a wonderful support system, more than I even knew I had. Its such a wonderful sign of God's blessing and Grace.

I will let myself react fully once I am in my new place, where it will be safe to do so.

One other thing, just because overall I am being strong, making plans, and working toward the goal of getting out doesn't mean the doubts aren't trying to get out. There's a little voice that keeps trying to tell me things like "oh its not as bad as you are making it out to be" or "how can you hurt your AH this way" or a multitude of other negative thoughts. But I keep pushing those thouse back in the trash where they belong and going forward. So far I've been successful with that.