sunkissed71

Hello! I'm so glad I found this forum, thank you in advance for listening. DH and I have been married 5 years. He has always had problems with alcohol, some weeks seem better than others. He drinks every day, though he holds a good job. He doesn't drink at work (supposedly) but when he comes home he pounds drinks and on the weekends he starts drinking in the morning (whiskey!) I hate it. I'm so embarrased by this. This past year has been very stressful for us. We have twin boys - age 1, they are the loves of my life! One of them was diagnosed with Cancer (Hepatoblastoma - liver cancer) in December, he recently had a liver transplant in May and is now in remission. He is a true miracle. During this time DH's drinking became worse. he would show up drunk at the hospital, I would come home from the hospital to find him wasted while caring for our other son. We have no family here, it's been really difficult. I have no where to go when times are bad. He is not a physically abusive drunk, but he can be verbally mean. Last night he got in my face in front of the boys telling me that since I was a stay-at-home mom no judge would ever grant me custody (grr - I left my job in advertising to become a stay-at-home mom - it's not like I can't go back to work).

He is always lying about his drinking, I find bottles everywhere. He looks me straight in the eyes and promises he hasn't drank, but it's so obvious he is lying. He refuses treatment. He went to one AA meeting and said all the people there were loosers. (uhh, what do you think you are!!).

Our son is immunocompromised with anti-rejection medications and can't be in daycare for at least a year and when he does go back, chances are he will be sick frequently requiring me to take off work from a new job alot. I feel truly stuck. The boys don't deserve this kind of life and I need to leave. I'm scared to death! What do I do! I have no savings, medical bills are astronomical, no family here to help. I'm so depressed and full of anxiety and feel so angry that he is letting alcohol ruin ALL our lives. Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I'm a sinking ship. Also if we are seperated, my biggest fear is leaving the boys in DH's possession if he gets partial custody! I have no proof he has a problem, so what judge would grant me full custody I'm in such a stuck mess and I'm embarrased to even be in this situation. This is certainly not happily ever after.

Thank you for listening, I really appreciate it.

Mr. Christian

Greetings,

It sounds like you have some work to do.
Attorney shopping should be on your list of priorities. A good one will make sure you and your children get what you need.
I strongly suggest you getting into Alanon also.

minnie

Hi there, and welcome.

Sounds like you've been having a tough time lately.

A lawyer would be a good start, as would al-anon meetings and a counsellor if you can get to them.

I've also found that contemporaneous notes do hold some sway, so keep a diary of his behaviour too - it will come in handy for your own recovery as well.

And, of course, check out the stickies at the top of the forum, and see if you can get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.

Hope you stick around.

Barbara52

You have my prayers and empathy.

First steps might include checking with social services in your area and find out what resources may be available.

Godhelpme

(((Sunkissed))) Hugs to you and your boys. Welcome to SR. So sorry you have a need to be here but glad you found us.

Do you have family / friends / neighbors /a church that could assist you finanically to remove yourself from the situation? Many attorneys do pro bono work and will assist you at no charge. Contact a family lawyer and inquire about their help. Social Services is also a good resource. Churches also provide free assistance. You don't have to be a member of a particular church to receive their support. Reach out to everyone. Help is available.

The fact that you aren't working does NOT mean a judge wouldn't grant you custody. In fact, most mothers are given custody of their children although courts prefer shared custody or shared parenting arrangements. I believe that was a scare tactic your A used to keep you there. Don't buy into it!

You don't need proof that your A is an alcoholic in the eyes of the court to pursue a divorce or to win custody of your children. Don't worry about that.

I'm so sorry for your pain, all you've been through and continue to endure. Please continue posting (and reading) here.

Above all, know we care, that we support you and are here to help you.

Peace to you~
ghm

denny57

Welcome, sunkissed, glad you're here!

hopeangel

hi sunkissed! welcome to our family i'm so sorry you are going through this. i can't even begin to imagine how tough this has been on you. i am so grateful that your boy is healed. he is a true miracle you are right! both your boys are.

how do you get out? let your motherly instinct to protect be your guide. the environment your children are in is not safe. you first and only priority is to protect them and make a good life for them.

contact social services, churches, shelters, whatever you must do. if possible pick them up and move them back with family.

your ah is giving you nothing but empty threats and lies. you should have absolutely no problem getting custody of your kids. maybe take pictures of the alcohol and him passed out? keep a journal (this was extremely helpful to me)

you cannot care for them if you do not care for yourself also -remember that.

we are only as stuck as we allow ourselves to be.

please keep posting, we are all here to support you!

sprylynx

It sounds like you're living together, am I wrong?

The thing is you may be able to prove it, but it will take some sneakiness on your part. When one purchases an item there is usually a record of it, especially alcohol which is more often than not, purchased at a liquor store. Using credit cards, POS (Point of Service), Debit or checks provides an excellent record of the dates and amount of alcohol purchased. One could also subpoena the actual receipts, as most stores hold them for 1 to 2 years, depending on their archive system. I would start finding and collecting any reciepts for alcohol purchase your DH makes as soon as possible.

If you own a video recorder, you could start video taping the times your DH is inebriated. Pretend your video taping the children, but actually use it to show how often DH is drunk as a skunk. You should also buy a small tape recorder and have it ready to be turned on when DH is verbally abusing you, or at times you find he's impaired...slurring words, talking non-sensical, etc. My AH did this all the time -- I wish I had video recorded him drunk, just so he could see how ridiculous he looked and sounded!

Additionally, you should start finding people who will do a 'home inspection' when your DH is drunk. Explain your situation to a local pastor, neighbor, nurse that you befriended at the hospital, all of whom would make an excellent eye-witness (have at least 3 to 4 independent parties). Invite them over as 'friends' when your husband is inebriated, and who can then personally attest to the amount of times they have seen DH drink/drunk.

Any or all these might be a good way to gain full custody of you kids, but also request that your DH have only supervised visits. I know you are in a very difficult position, and I truly hope it all works out for you.

lilac

Welcome, glad you are here.

Patient Dreams

Run

respektingme

I'm so sorry about your son. You are enduring the struggles of being a mother to twin baby boys, plus one who has been seriously ill, and having to put up with his problem as well. What a struggle you've been through. So much drama. Who is there to take care of you?

I, too, think he is making a threat. My AH has done the same. He made a threat this weekend that he was going to move downstairs, and said I wouldn't leave him because he'd lose his job (boss is radical conservative) and I wouldn't get CS. I told him I'd love for him to lose his job, than he'd have to go to another state to get a new one, and me and the kids would be free from his drunk self. Alcoholics are directors. They think they have everybody's role all figured out. Your AH is telling you your future. Why? Because he hopes you'll believe it. He is controlling you through his actions.

I had cancer in 2005. I had to have 2 operations. My DH was SOOO concerned, SOOO worried, that he drank like crazy. My mother flew in to care for the kids and he was drunk around her. Why? Because he was so worried. Yeah, right. He used MY illness as an excuse to drink. How gross was that? Your AH used your son's illness to drink. I would imagine that someone who was really concerned would pick THAT time to be sober, to be there for someone else and not to use the opportunity to have the world continue to revolve solely around themselves. Nope, didn't happen. Listen to this. I came home from the hospital, and noticed that my DH was drunk. I shuffled him upstairs for a "nap" hoping my mom wouldn't notice (turns out she had been witnessing it for 10 days while I was in the hospital). He came staggering back downstairs because he wanted to watch tv. So I shuffled him to the master bedroom (where I was SUPPOSED to be recovering from my surgery) so he could watch tv in there. Oh my, he felt so terrible for being drunk. He sobbed and I held him, comforted him, and told him we'd work through this together.

Hmmmmmmmmm, I just came off having a gastric tube in my gut for 7 days and not being able to eat or drink. I just had major surgery and could barely bathe myself. But I was comforting him..

In hindsight, wouldn't I have been better off if I took him for a one-way drive to a hotel, handed him $50 and told him to find a way home when he was sober?

Then I could have had a drama-free nap in my bed.

I'm starting to realize very quickly, that we overlook SO much garbage. If you really start to pay attention to what you are losing (i.e. self-respect, self-image) by listening and believing his lies, you'll really realize how terrible the situation is.

I've been in one group session with my AH so far. And in that ONE meeting, the counselor described alcoholics and it was my AH to a perfect "T". They practice the defensive offense. They'll shred you to get your mind off of pointing out they have been drinking, or you want them to stop, or saying that you found another bottle. They'll point out your weaknesses to knock you off your feet, to make you confused, to doubt yourself, to GET YOUR EYES OFF OF THEM. They'll blame you for their drinking, and you might start believing it. You may start cleaning more so he won't drink. You may start mentioning his drinking less, so he won't drink. And guess what??? He loves that. He'll take advantage of your willingness to appease him... and then.... he'll drink anyway. See, it allll revolves around him wanting to drink. Oh, but sometimes they can be nice. The counselor used the word "charming". Why? Because they want something. Like, when your AH gets drunk and you've yelled that you're going to leave. Welll then, your AH may get really nice, mushy even, and pour out his soul. He loves you so much. You can't tear apart the family. What about the kids? What will they do without a dad? He loves you. He promises things will be different. But are they ever?

Here's what I see. I don't know that many people who are adults and attend counseling sessions because their parents divorced. But man oh man aren't there a number of adult children of alcoholics who are still seeking counseling. So I'm realizing there is only one way out. My AH is going to stop drinking and stop tearing me down. Or I will leave. Yes, I'll be incredibly sad that my children will wind up from a broken home, something I never wanted for them. But that's got to be better than living with a drunk dad.

One thing I started doing about 8 years ago. I kept a log for about 3 months of how much he drank. I marked a tiny line on the vodka bottle every day, poured out the vodka measured it and then wrote down how much was gone since the line drawn the day before.

I can't do that now because he hides his booze in water bottles. He pays for all his booze with cash. There is never a receipt or actual vodka bottle around.

However, after most of our big alcohol drama events, I have written (without emotion) the facts of what happened, what he said, etc. and emailed it to myself. I have a file that I keep all my notes in. And as a backup, in the event he ever gets ahold of my email password, I have a separate email account used solely for storage that he doesn't even know exists.

I have seen an attorney before and presented my notes. She said she has never seen someone so well prepared. I asked all my questions and was liberated by knowing the answers. This is what I did. An attorney charges by the hour. Make an appointment to see one and write down all your questions beforehand. Rambling takes time. Keep to the point and only speak about things that are relevant. In other words, don't expound for 20 mins. about how crappy his drinking makes you feel. The attorney doesn't care and it's on your dime. Each time my attorney had answered a question to my satisfaction, I cut her off and moved to the next question.

My attorney charged $150/hour and I saw her for 30 mins. Cost me $75 to know my rights, know how much CS to expect, know my chances for custody, know if I'd be allowed to leave the state, etc. Was well worth it for peace of mind.

Do NOT depend on predictions about your future from your AH. He will tell you what he thinks you need to hear so that he can get what he wants, period. Only trust an attorney.

parentrecovers

just wanted to welcome you, sunkissed. you too - patient dreams!

keep posting, k