Confused
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 3
Confused
I'm new to this site but I've enjoyed reading LOTS of threads for the past 2.5 hrs! Anyway, my husband of 13 years went to recovery 60 days ago. After 30 days he was "released" and I told him I wasn't ready for him to come home. After much drama he decided to live with his friend and sponsor in another state. He's been there for 30 days. I am going up there the beginning of August for a few days alone and then will meet up with him toward the end of my week (it will be our anniversary). I had told him last week that I thought I was ready for him to come home and that if he felt ready that he could fly back with me.
Am I getting back together with him too quickly? He has been drinking our entire marriage (although I didn't know it until 3 yrs. ago) and using for 3 years and had an affair at the beginning of this year.
I think I'm ready for him to come home although everyone keeps telling me I need to have some clear boundaries for him when he gets home. I read Boundaries in Marriage but I really do not even know where to begin in setting my boundaries.... well, except that I will not live with an active alcoholic anymore. Any suggestions?
Am I getting back together with him too quickly? He has been drinking our entire marriage (although I didn't know it until 3 yrs. ago) and using for 3 years and had an affair at the beginning of this year.
I think I'm ready for him to come home although everyone keeps telling me I need to have some clear boundaries for him when he gets home. I read Boundaries in Marriage but I really do not even know where to begin in setting my boundaries.... well, except that I will not live with an active alcoholic anymore. Any suggestions?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I can only give you my personal experience with AH coming home right out of all three rehabs. The first time, I didn't take it seriously nor did he, so I just figured he'd drink before he was deployed to Iraq about a month after being released from rehab. After all, it was stressful for us both and I must admit I was drinking too much myself at that time. I also wasn't educated about the disease of alcoholism, so I had no idea how it would progressively get worse. I also did not know how to set boundaries, nor did I realize I was getting sicker myself.
The second go 'round came 26 months later and it was far more serious. He came home out of inpatient (I couldn't very well refuse to let him in the house - his name was on the title of our former house, not mine!) and he began intensive outpatient. I think he stayed sober about a week or so after finishing outpatient. In the meantime, I got into Al-Anon and practically lived in the rooms just to survive what I was beginning to see as the chaos and insanity.
The third inpatient detox/rehab, he came home after 28 days. I knew before he got out he wasn't going to make it. Did I want him to come home? Nope. My name was on the title of the house, but so was his. I couldn't throw him out of his own home unless he became physically abusive. He lasted 16 days before getting thrown in jail for boating under the influence. I wasn't with him when this happened. However, being the enabler, I posted bond and managed to get him out of jail the following morning.
Only you can decide if you think it's time to let him come home. Some folks say wait a year. Some say six months. Some say, follow your own gut instincts. I can only speak from my own personal experience. In hindsight, after the second rehab, I saw this wasn't going to work and he wasn't serious about sobriety - he was only serious about saving his job. Heck, if I hadn't been a sick-o I would have walked out back then.
You have set a boundary. You won't live with an active addict. That's a good start. Are you in Al-Anon? If not, I'd suggest you give it a try. While he's working a program, you can be working one too. Please keep posting, and I hope your husband maintains sobriety. Please consider Al-Anon for yourself. It can really help over the rough spots when you're living with someone who is just starting on the road to recovery.
The second go 'round came 26 months later and it was far more serious. He came home out of inpatient (I couldn't very well refuse to let him in the house - his name was on the title of our former house, not mine!) and he began intensive outpatient. I think he stayed sober about a week or so after finishing outpatient. In the meantime, I got into Al-Anon and practically lived in the rooms just to survive what I was beginning to see as the chaos and insanity.
The third inpatient detox/rehab, he came home after 28 days. I knew before he got out he wasn't going to make it. Did I want him to come home? Nope. My name was on the title of the house, but so was his. I couldn't throw him out of his own home unless he became physically abusive. He lasted 16 days before getting thrown in jail for boating under the influence. I wasn't with him when this happened. However, being the enabler, I posted bond and managed to get him out of jail the following morning.
Only you can decide if you think it's time to let him come home. Some folks say wait a year. Some say six months. Some say, follow your own gut instincts. I can only speak from my own personal experience. In hindsight, after the second rehab, I saw this wasn't going to work and he wasn't serious about sobriety - he was only serious about saving his job. Heck, if I hadn't been a sick-o I would have walked out back then.
You have set a boundary. You won't live with an active addict. That's a good start. Are you in Al-Anon? If not, I'd suggest you give it a try. While he's working a program, you can be working one too. Please keep posting, and I hope your husband maintains sobriety. Please consider Al-Anon for yourself. It can really help over the rough spots when you're living with someone who is just starting on the road to recovery.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I can't suggest what your boundaries should be. Only you know what you can tolerate during the recovery process. But I can suggest that maybe it would be a good idea to figure this out (have your plan in place) before the two of you reunite.
I wish you much luck and welcome you to the board. I wish I was Colorado bound -- my favorite place on earth
I wish you much luck and welcome you to the board. I wish I was Colorado bound -- my favorite place on earth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 3
Thanks to you both. Yes, I have been going to Alanon since February and have found a better way to live as I work my program. I will be finishing step 5 this week.... wahoo!
AND I'm not in Colorado yet but hope to someday. That's my dream home. Right now I live in a very hot and flat place BUT my family is here and right now wouldn't have it any other way. One day I'll be climbing mountains again... and not just in my mind!
AND I'm not in Colorado yet but hope to someday. That's my dream home. Right now I live in a very hot and flat place BUT my family is here and right now wouldn't have it any other way. One day I'll be climbing mountains again... and not just in my mind!
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