Should I help him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Metro, TX
Posts: 29
Should I help him?
Hi, all. I have been here off and on and am so appreciative of the advice and support I get when I need it. And I need opinions again.
Background: I've been married to AH for 9 years and we have 2 children, 8 and 3. Of the past 3 years, we have been separated for 2 1/2 of them. Currently, we are on our third, and what I consider to be our final separation. We have been separated this time since February.
AH went to rehab for the 2nd time last August and remained sober until the first of December. He is depressed, 200 lbs overweight, has diabetes, high BP, reflux, severe apnea, etc., etc. He drinks himself silly every night. If I am going to be honest with myself and everyone, the reason that I have never filed for divorce is for the fear of what he will do to himself. I know that is no reason, but I am struggling b/c he has lost all of his friends, most of his family, and everything. He has managed to keep a great job, but that's about it.
Here's my dilemma. He called tonight and asked if he could stay with us for a little while, so that we could help him not drink. He's asked if I could basically babysit him b/c he doesn't have the willpower to fight the cravings himself. He has a bottle of Librium from the doctor for the medical detox, but it still doesn't wipe out the cravings.
His family and I were in the process of staging an intervention as it was. We had talked to the interventionist and actually what he is asking is what we were going to offer, with a few added conditions. Inpatient rehab isn't an option right now b/c of 1) his job and 2) the lack of $. My offer was going to be for him to stay here on the condition that he go to intensive outpatient 3x per week and AA the other days, among a few other things.
Should I do this for him? I have a difficult time determining if this is enabling when he is asking for help. Yet, this could be another manipulation. Any advice would be appreciated.
Background: I've been married to AH for 9 years and we have 2 children, 8 and 3. Of the past 3 years, we have been separated for 2 1/2 of them. Currently, we are on our third, and what I consider to be our final separation. We have been separated this time since February.
AH went to rehab for the 2nd time last August and remained sober until the first of December. He is depressed, 200 lbs overweight, has diabetes, high BP, reflux, severe apnea, etc., etc. He drinks himself silly every night. If I am going to be honest with myself and everyone, the reason that I have never filed for divorce is for the fear of what he will do to himself. I know that is no reason, but I am struggling b/c he has lost all of his friends, most of his family, and everything. He has managed to keep a great job, but that's about it.
Here's my dilemma. He called tonight and asked if he could stay with us for a little while, so that we could help him not drink. He's asked if I could basically babysit him b/c he doesn't have the willpower to fight the cravings himself. He has a bottle of Librium from the doctor for the medical detox, but it still doesn't wipe out the cravings.
His family and I were in the process of staging an intervention as it was. We had talked to the interventionist and actually what he is asking is what we were going to offer, with a few added conditions. Inpatient rehab isn't an option right now b/c of 1) his job and 2) the lack of $. My offer was going to be for him to stay here on the condition that he go to intensive outpatient 3x per week and AA the other days, among a few other things.
Should I do this for him? I have a difficult time determining if this is enabling when he is asking for help. Yet, this could be another manipulation. Any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
I can only speak from experience. I am the alcoholic/addict, now almost 10 yrs clean & sober, but I HAD to be in a controlled environment. In patient treatment was what it had to be for me. Jobs, money whatever did NOT matter. In the end and I went more than once, I had no job, I had no money, I was homeless etc etc. The job may not be there after much longer anyway??? Are there any charitably funded programs in your area? Not any really around here, I had to go a long ways away from home in '97. I will keep you all in my prayers and hope that you can get through this with your head held high.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
"we are on our third, and what I consider to be our final separation."
Personally, I would keep it that way. You and your children are in a healthier place now and you must feel that you have moved on or else you wouldn't be thinking of this as your final separation.
They say that the A has to hit rock bottom before he/she can begin to get better. Your AH sounds like a medical mess but it is NOT your responsibility to "babysit" (that is enabling!) him nor expose your two small children to him when he is like this. And, what if his "solution", doesn't work for him? Are you prepared to deal with all the fall-out and the blame he might throw at you?
This is a dilemma but you must look after yourself and your children first and foremost.
ARL
Personally, I would keep it that way. You and your children are in a healthier place now and you must feel that you have moved on or else you wouldn't be thinking of this as your final separation.
They say that the A has to hit rock bottom before he/she can begin to get better. Your AH sounds like a medical mess but it is NOT your responsibility to "babysit" (that is enabling!) him nor expose your two small children to him when he is like this. And, what if his "solution", doesn't work for him? Are you prepared to deal with all the fall-out and the blame he might throw at you?
This is a dilemma but you must look after yourself and your children first and foremost.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
This is a tough situation for you to be in. It sounds as if he wants YOU to take the responsibility for his getting clean and sober. I guess if you don't succeed, then it will be all your fault, and not his. It also sounds like an excuse to get back into the home with you.
I think you might help him more if you continue on your current path (the separation). The ideal solution would be for him to go into inpatient treatment -- especially given all of his medical problems. There are drugs that can curb the cravings, but he would need to be involved in a serious, supervised treatment program in order to be a candidate for them.
I'm sad for him. It sounds like he really wants to climb out of this hole, and I've seen how hard this is to do. But, ultimately, sobriety is a choice and a commitment that only he can make for himself, by himself.
I think you might help him more if you continue on your current path (the separation). The ideal solution would be for him to go into inpatient treatment -- especially given all of his medical problems. There are drugs that can curb the cravings, but he would need to be involved in a serious, supervised treatment program in order to be a candidate for them.
I'm sad for him. It sounds like he really wants to climb out of this hole, and I've seen how hard this is to do. But, ultimately, sobriety is a choice and a commitment that only he can make for himself, by himself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Has he tried AA at all? I would make very strict conditions, AA being one of them, and stick to them.
Even though he made a preemptive move, which is good, the situation is no less serious. Go ahead and have the intervention telling him everything he will lose if he keeps drinking, etc.
Even though he made a preemptive move, which is good, the situation is no less serious. Go ahead and have the intervention telling him everything he will lose if he keeps drinking, etc.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
First off he is i sthe mess he is in because of himself and his choices. So don't feel sorry for him.
He wants to make you responsible for his drinking, he needs the help of professionals who are detached and can't be manipulated, NOT his family who he can manipulate.
Earthworm
He wants to make you responsible for his drinking, he needs the help of professionals who are detached and can't be manipulated, NOT his family who he can manipulate.
Earthworm
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: small town, USA
Posts: 50
I think no.
To me, this one's setting off warning bells. It's ensuring that you do the work and also making sure that the family's attention is on him instead of a healthy family routine. And what are you supposed to do after the initial detox? Babysit him the rest of his life to make sure he doesn't relapse? You're going to have to get rid of him a fourth time if you let him in now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
If he has a great job then either he has health insurance or enough $$ to start getting some medical help.
An appmt with a gp and a p-doc would be my first suggestions.
But your home is not a medical center.
An appmt with a gp and a p-doc would be my first suggestions.
But your home is not a medical center.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
imo......this sounds very familiar from my experiences with xh.
1. i was not an expert on detoxing.
2. i was not an expert on "helping him".....any help i had given up to that point sure didn't work.....why was he trying to make me think that this time would be different?
3. why was i willing to believe, after all i had experienced, that i held the key to being the one that could "help him"?
4. why was i willing to put myself in the role of taking responsibility, when my gut was telling me differently?
just a few thoughts, looking back.
best of everything to you. i say, leave him to the professionals, and concentrate on yourself and your children.
1. i was not an expert on detoxing.
2. i was not an expert on "helping him".....any help i had given up to that point sure didn't work.....why was he trying to make me think that this time would be different?
3. why was i willing to believe, after all i had experienced, that i held the key to being the one that could "help him"?
4. why was i willing to put myself in the role of taking responsibility, when my gut was telling me differently?
just a few thoughts, looking back.
best of everything to you. i say, leave him to the professionals, and concentrate on yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
I'll throw in my two cents. After the 2nd rehab and detox I drew up a VERY detail contract for living at home. I thought it would provide structure she/we would need. The consequences for breaking the contract was separation......she relapsed in 60 days. The alcoholic needs therapy, AA and to find the character defects contributing to the disease without being part of a co-dependent relationship. DON'T take him in.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Should you help him? NO
Can you help him? NO
Can you and the family help with your intervention ? Um… NO
He needs to help himself, get his butt into AA and work the damn program.
The furter awy you keep yourself and you kids away from a walking time bomb the better.
It sounds like the family support could be better used for you.
Get to some Alanon meetings .
Can you help him? NO
Can you and the family help with your intervention ? Um… NO
He needs to help himself, get his butt into AA and work the damn program.
The furter awy you keep yourself and you kids away from a walking time bomb the better.
It sounds like the family support could be better used for you.
Get to some Alanon meetings .
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