thinkmink

my AH agreed to him staying at his mom's so that I could go back and we could start counseling together. We had a relatively nice conversation since and now he's not willing to live at his mom's now. Now he thinks because he was able to not insult me for one conversation that means we can live together. It's so ridiculous. He has put me and our daughter through so much trauma there's just no trust left. I don't mind working to regain the trust. But I am not willing to just jump back in the fire because of any half-hearted promises. I have been down that road too many times. Honestly, if it were just me I would already be back in it. I have my daughter's welfare to consider now too. So it's just not me that suffers, she would too. I can't subject her to anymore. I have to see some results, not just promises. He just doesn't get it. Of course not, he's still drinking. The way he's sees it is that all he needs ifs for us to come back and for him still drink. THEN he'd be happy...oh for about a week. Then it would be something else that I would be failing to do for him that was keeping him unhappy. No thanks. The way I see it is that if he is going to be unhappy anyway, then why do I need to be so close to let it drag me down too? I guess misery loves company.

The funnt thing is that when I came up here he said he was jealous because I had it "made in the shade" (not taking care of our house, paying the bills, caring for the dogs, etc.). But somehow if he lives with HIS mom it suddeny becomes a huge burden. Sorry to moan, just needed to vent a little. I realize that this is all pretty typical alcoholic behavior.

minnie

I remember those days, tm, all too well. That "give an inch, take a mile" attitude of my ex's was actually the thing that cut me to the core. It was such a blatent demonstration of his lack of respect and empathy for me. All he cared about was getting what he wanted, by any means necessary. I felt so used and as if I was just talking into the wind.

Some people just want everything their way, regardless of anybody else's thoughts on the subject, never mind their feelings. Compromise does not enter their vocabulary, unless it is to accuse the other of not being able to do it (i.e. do what they want).

You are perfectly entitled to live your life how you wish, as long as it is not harming anyone. As is he. And if he is a risk to you or your daughter, then you have a responsibility to both of you to keep out of harms way. You had an agreement, yes? Is there any reason why this should be up for renegotiation?

I remember that my life became a lot simpler when I realised that having a boundary of not living with an active problem drinker worked for me. That ultimately developed into one of not having an active problem drinker in my life, period, but I had to start somewhere. (fwiw, it was never really about the drink, but about the behaviour, but I only came to that realisation later.)

CE Girl

Ya know Mink, I don't get why they don't get it either?!?!? Maybe one of the A's that drop in on us once in a while can tell us?

What I DO know, is no matter how much I try and explain my program, it falls on deaf ears. I want to tell him to take the cotton out!!! What about "I don't want contact until you are sober a year" do you not get?!?!?! We both speak english (I better than him, its the native in me he,he,he) But seriously, why does he think that just because I said that simple sentance, it entitles to him to think we can have "open dialogue"?

Emails, phone calls and then accusations I am "confusing" him,,ummmmmm,,ok,,I said ONE sentance?!?!?!

I've come to the conclusion, even though so many people have told me, the man is such a master manipulator, it is no longer what he's manipulating to get!!! He just HAS to do it.

My A has been sober 8 days and thinks we should "build our future",,Ummmmmm is 8 days a YEAR?!?!?

Head down, plow forward is all I can too. Interprut away ya BIG DOPE, I can't control it. But I can CONTROL me. My boundary, and what I want for ME. The rest is solely on him.

I'd send him home to mommy with his pillow and blankie

Peace

Astro

You really don't need one of us to tell you this, but for me it was being a delusional, controlling, manipulating, self-centered, psychotic martyr. If you allowed me to make nice-nice and I saw the door open even the slightest crack, I'd jam my foot in thinking that I'd been forgiven for every last piece of wreckage I'd blessed you with.

Elana says it nicely in this post http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...them-curb.html Why I don't have a boot print on my @ss and a curb mark on my forehead is beyond me.

GlassPrisoner

Makes sense to me

That's an inside joke in the rooms of AA, whenever anyone shares something they did or thought that's totally off the wall.

The As reasoning , decision making abilities, and perception while active or recently sober are non-exsistant. (obviously). It's scary, because we don't see it, and it really does make sense at the time.

minnie

Been thinking about this a bit more.

I know that my ex would think he could take a mile because I had given him a mile before. And if I hadn't, he would try it on anyway and see what happened.

Classic example. In April, we finally reached a settlement on a long running legal dispute between us over money. It was a very straightforward issue, unneccessarily complicated by him, which is not surprising. Whilst he was waiting for the paperwork to come through from my lawyer for him to sign, my ex emailed me asking for a loan. Not just a loan, but one on the exact same terms that we had spent the previous 18 months arguing about via lawyers! I didn't even respond. Not even to his reminder. He has emailed me once since then to pass on some news of an ex colleague ( no response) and now nothing. A very long overdue lesson in not giving credence to nonsense.

denny57

Yep, Glass, we use that one too, in the other rooms.

(((thinkmink))) sometimes just venting gets me through the day. I know what I'll be doing in the end, but I've got to get it out somewhere. As someone reading your post, I think you sound like you know what is best for you and your daughter. Looking for support in that decision is healthy living as far as I'm concerned.

Hang in there (you may even be "helping" the alcoholic more than you know)!

thinkmink

thanks everyone! He acted aloof the rest of yesterday. I know that was also typical A behavior too. It really helps knowing what behavior is expected from A's.

hopeangel

hey think sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

"That "give an inch, take a mile" attitude of my ex's was actually the thing that cut me to the core. It was such a blatent demonstration of his lack of respect and empathy for me. All he cared about was getting what he wanted, by any means necessary. I felt so used and as if I was just talking into the wind."

minnie, that is exactly the eye opening experience that happened to me with my ah's last " i'm done drinking" ploy to try to break my boundaries. the minute he found out it was not going to work and he was not going to get me to let him into "my space" and have sex with him. it was insulting to me how quick he thought he could just go for sex- it was AMAZING how quick he went right back to the drinking and attitude when he found out it wasn't going to work..

light bulb - i knew it was his usual behavior that had worked before, but somehow it became so clear to me like never before - complete manipualtion and control! (ah even admits this is what he was trying to do) let me tell you how glad i was and am that i am not falling for it this time!

DII

I'm with you on the "made in the shade" comment. My AW is living in an apartment about a mile from me and our son's. Nice place! She isn't working and I pay for the apartment, car, furniture....everything until she finds a job (i hope) and she tells her Mom that I'm living high on the hog! My motto is do what's right and the rest will follow....