jillybean

ABF and I just had a long discussion/somewhat controlled argument about the same old issues and he threw me a curve.

He told me he could be drinking everyday again and I wouldn't even know it. Is there a way that I would not be able to smell it on him? I could usually tell by the way he acted and the smell. Bagged him everytime he relapsed (for one day only each time) but I had this run through my mind just this past week and BAM he makes that comment!

He loves to gaslight me but this taunt made my blood run cold.

Please don't tell me it's his problem, I know that, but if he is drinking again, I want nothing more to do with him. I have enough to handle without this added back into the mix.

Please share experiences. I'm not afraid of the truth and I have to know how he is doing it. I have heard that vodka is hard to detect but Is there anything else that can be as hard? My nose has never betrayed me but he has. I think it was just a cruel taunt but I have to be sure.

Yes he is sick and no it isn't right. Please understand that I know what I must ultimately do but right now this issue is pressing. I have no way of leaving right now. I'd rather do it when I am safe and able to survive without his help.

Thank you for helping me.
Jilly

WantsOut

I too thought I always knew when exAH was drinking and then found out otherwise. No one is more crafty than an addict.

gns

I don't have any concrete advice, but I can say TRUST YOUR GUT.
In retrospect, whenever I was suscpicious - I was right.
More often than my therapist, more often than the psychic, more often than my rationalizations.

P.S. On a medical note, you can only smell alcohol above a certain blood alcohol level

parentrecovers

maybe from now on you can just walk away from these kind of arguements - doesn't appear to be a good situation for you.

i do this with my daughter - when she gets/i get into conversation that are/is not healthy, i tell her in a calm voice, "this is not helping my recovery." and walk away.

blessings, k

Astro

Baloney. I know I wouldn't be able to hide it for one day, or even an hour for that matter. I thought I was hiding it for years, but my ex would tell you otherwise, so would her family, my co-workers, friends, etc. etc.

I've heard that about vodka too, but the behavior of an alcoholic can't be covered up by anything, no matter how masterful we think our disguises are.

MsGolightly

i think my ex THOUGHT i wouldn't be able to tell whether or not she had been drinking, but it was pretty easy for me. i could either hear it in her voice or i could smell it on her - even though she would use mouthwash and lots of gum to cover it up. i think a lot of them think we're stupid, or are really delusional and think we won't be able to tell. mine was a beer drinker, though, so i'm not sure about the other kinds of alcohol.

but, my question is, why is he even throwing this in your face? why is he talking about this at all? that would be a red flag for me... especially if he wants to see what he can get away with. relationships shouldn't be like that.

CarolD

my first thought?
He is switching to other drugs.

There is no alcohol that does not smell.
Even the expensive Vodka has an odor.

I speakk as an ex bartender
and an alcoholic in recovery.

ARealLady

"if he is drinking again, I want nothing more to do with him"

Is he working a programme? If not, he still believes he can control his drinking and...control you by implying that he is so clever and skilled that he can fool you into believing he is not drinking. This is a vicious circle, Jilly, and I fully understand what you are saying. Remember this IF will always taint your relationship. Is that what you want?

Try putting the focus on yourself in the IF part. That's what I am doing as I work at extricating myself from a long-distance relationship with ABF. Say....

IF I am detached (and leave this relationship), I will want nothing more to do with him (because it won't matter to me if he is drinking again).

As for "hiding" his drinking well I am learning to recognize the signs that he is still drinking even from a distance...so I don't even need my nose there...lol.

I don't hear from him because he has "the flu" (how many times in a year do YOU get the flu?) or has been "under the weather...24 hour thing" (again, how often does that happen to YOU?). He takes a day off work because he is "tired" (um? hangover?).

Or, I hear from him and the conversation is peppered with key expressions which I realize are signs he IS drinking ("no worries", "getting my ducks in a row", "lots of irons in the fire", "focussing on my priorities" etc.). It is all blah, blah, blah NOTHING!

I keep learning!

ARL

Pick-a-name

I think my exah knew/knows I know him sober well enough to know when he is not and although I probably have not have said anything about it (I probably have given him a "look") he knows I know. One of the main reasons I think he moved out of our house.

jillybean

Thank you all for replying.

Safely leaving for me is being able to put distance between me and him where he can't contact me or "run into me accidentally." Funds and resources barely exist right now. One goal is to keep looking for ways to change that. I don't fit the criteria of programs so that is out of the question. Believe me, I have done lots of homework. Trying to set up options. No magical thinking and I'm not on hold while the clock ticks.

He can't address his cruel mindgames until he addresses his lack of sober thinking. That is his work and mine is to always seek the truth and do what is right for me. Asking for your help is right for me.

He is not working a program and yes the relationship is not healthy. Whether or not that will ever change is unknown. His comment triggered me and I came here for help in understanding. That is what I am doing for me right now. I'm also working on my issues in therapy with eyes wide open. It's been my experience that not many people understand without judgement.

Please don't ask me to justify my situation. I have had way more cases of doing that to last me lifetimes. I need understanding support. I don't have a network of friends and family in my life and sites like this are all I do have.

Again, thank you for taking the time to answer me.
Jilly

splendra

To me there is no worse smell than vodka I just don't know how people can believe it has no smell....

Take care of you.

BigSis

Does this mean you don't work an Alanon program? Or that you don't fit criteria for a house/rental assistance program?

Sorry... some days my brain just stutters...


As to your original question - it became a real red flag to me for my daughter to say, "I could be using right now..." because during one of her multiple rehabs, she shared that when she said that, she WAS using.

The fact that he thinks it ok to taunt you with that leaves me with the picture of a man whose idea of a relationship is more like a "game".

Is that what you want, too?

If not, you might give your local women's shelter a call just to check out all the options available.... counseling, housing assistance, legal assistance. Maybe a few sessions in counseling or a half dozen Alanon meetings might just help you think more clearly. Edited to add: I say that because both counseling and Alanon did help ME to think more clearly... and at the time, I would have SWORN I was thinking just fine, thank you!!

I couldn't see the fog until it cleared away. Amazing how clear thinking can make a big difference and open up "options".

I wish you the best.

AWEDA

I always knew just by the way he spoke to me,then again he was so far in that it didn't take much to see his behavior get worse and worse. Also he was very argumentive, it was the only time he wanted to "talk" about serious issues.

denny57

If you found out an hour from now that yes, definitely, he was drinking again, what would you do?

GlassPrisoner

This.

But, being a recovering alkie, how do you NOT know ? If he's very far advanced, then if he's drinking it should be really obvious. If he admits to drinking a little when pressed, that means he's drunk. We don't have "a couple of beers".

fluffyflea

My ex said the same exact thing to me and he was right and he was drinking and probably shooting dope. In a nutshell not much you can do until

A. You are sick of it or

B you find out for sure he is.

Earthworm

cagefree

Is he drinking, is he not drinking...does it really matter?

The man is playing mind games with you. If Alcohol were the be-all, end-all of alcoholism then when you take it away - *presto* problem solved.

The man is toying with you - who cares if he's drinking or not...it's unacceptable.

(((Jillybean)))

minnie

Indeedy, cage. Whilst it was a drinking episode that was the straw that broke the camel's back, it was the behaviour in the (long) build up that put the pressue on in the first place.

Anyone who loves to gaslight must have red flags all over the place. Do you know why you stay?

CE Girl

Hey Jilly,,,

(((((((((HUGS GIRL)))))))))

I HATED the feeling of questioning my gut. There were times I would not even open the door and I'd smell vodka. My A was in "recovery"

Not being the "shy" type, I'd ask him "have you been drinking?". I bet NONE of you guys here could guess his answer?!?!?!? LOL

SO, of course, it was me. I was "imagining" it. sort of a 'phantom pain" he,he,he,. I really beleive I wanted to BELEIVE him so bad, I ciinvinced myself it was my OWN paranoia.

And of course, it exposed a "weakness" to my A.

He never came out and "taunted" me quite like yours did, but turns out, after I left his sorry arse, that Yup, sure as ummmmmm shooting,,,he was drinking EVERYTIME i suspected it. A master at deception? Naw, I was in full fledge denial.

Go with your gut. I wou;dn't presume to judge your circumstances, mine were MESSED up enough,,lol.

And keep posting. Take what you need, and leave the rest

Peace

DII

Jilly, sorry to hear your story but as you has seen from the posts all addicts lie about drinking. What concerns me is that the comment was made to you. It's a power and confidence thing. When they feel you getting strong they do something to make you insecure. The focus turns on your insecurity. I bought a little alcohol breathalyzer and would a have my AW "blow" when she was working a program and she would blow for alcohol and still deny it! You'll be suprised how much friends will help you until you get on your feet. Ask for help...you might be suprised by the answer.