want to check his email :-(
 

I really want to check his email. I want to see if he is still dating the other girl while he is sleeeping w/ strippers. I think I am trying to prove that I meant something? am special? I am not really sure why this is such a compulsion for me.

P.S. So much for not referencing the qualifier, and focusing on my recovery!

i used to snoop around in my daughter's stuff - it made me feel miserable and never solved a thing.

blessings, k

I used to check my ex's cell phone logs or hit redial on the home phone. Same result every time, made me miserable and resentful.

What I don't know can't hurt me, best not to open those cans of worms.

You want to know all and control all, just like a good codie ;)

Go swimming instead ...

What happens if you check his e-mail and find out he is still dating the other girl and sleeping with strippers???? Then what??? What is your next move after?

And how will finding out this information HELP YOU??

oh goodness, i regretted it absolutely every time i found out something i didn't want to know about. through emails, phone calls, secret meetings, you name it. i knew i had been cheated on, i knew it would no longer work between us, and i still kept making myself miserable - almost on purpose! it was like a compulsion, i just had to know the truth, and i can't even tell you how physically and emotionally sick i would be after i uncovered a secret. i was so destroyed, and i could have easily avoided it.

now, months have gone by, and i have no desire to read emails or learn about anything more than what was offered to me. i try avoid my ex at all costs... no more checking in or keeping tabs. my feeling was to always follow your gut - if you think something is going on, it probably is. but i'd rather not confirm it by snooping... nothing good can come from it. in this case, i think ignorance is bliss.

I have found that the truth has revealed itself TO ME....if i need to know it and at the "right" time. I try to remember that, and refrain from the "spy" missions. All those do is make me feel worse and keep the focus on him instead of myself.

Try to fight the urge...it's in your own best interest! (easier said than done for me sometimes!)

*hugs*

My thoughts exactly. I think you need to convince yourself that you are special. Who cares what the hell he thinks!

Thank you all!!

I agree with all of you. How is it going to help me in anyway? I keep justifying it by saying it helps me see things more clearly.

I would not have known he was on a hardcore porn site/giving presciptions illegally and that he is perfectly capable of manipulating women very well if I did not check his email. That information helped me realize the kind of person he REALLY is and helped me detach??

rationalization?

Learn to trust your gut. You would have figured this all out on your own, I am sure. You really need to give yourself more credit.

He's an ex right? Forget him and move on.

I wanted to do the same thing but said i would feel worse about it after the fact. Especially if something should work out between us down the road. I would feel really guilty for doing it....but i did think about doing it!!! But actions speak louder than words and everything i've found out is because he's careless and an idiot being sneaky!

I get you, but the consequences aren't the same anymore, right? You're not together anymore (and for good reason! You deserve better.)

If you realize the kind of person he really is, then why keep checking to verify it over and over? This is what I call "inflicting pain on oneself." You're also trying to remain attached to him in any way you can. I went through this years ago when I figured out how to hack into exAH's email account from my office computer. What did it get me? I already knew he was a lying, cheating slime. The knowledge I gained was that I was obsessed on focusing on what he was doing and it was giving me a "life" in a sick sort of way.

I've been there, and I've done that.

I did it when I moved house a few months after we broke up, but were still running a business together. I was switching computers for the move and whilst I was transferring data, I saw that he had a ***** account that I didn't know about. Not that it was any of my business, however it intrigued me because he is a technoidiot. I should say at this point that he was harrassing me continually about us getting back together, including trying to get me to go on holiday with him to Jamaica, which is where he was at that time. As I had access to his work email account (for legit purposes), I did the "forgotten password?" thing and got access to his ***** account.

What I found both horrified and delighted me. I found out he was not only on holiday with someone (what would he have done if I'd said yes when he asked me to go a day before he left?!!) but he was playing her off against 3 other women. Not only that, but he was using the EXACT same words and MO to all of them that he used with me. I left the house the next day with a sense of validation that I had never been able to get from him. I needed to know that it wasn't about me and I got all the proof I needed right there. I subsequently got more proof than I ever wanted later, but that's another story.

I am not proud of what I did. I massively invaded his privacy, although in mitigation that evening I did tell him what I had done (when he made his nightly call from Jamaica to tell me how much he missed me),and told him to change his password. I have no idea whether he did, because I never checked that account again. And I will never again check email, phone, bills or anything that are the property of someone else without their express permission. My gut tells me all I need to know. I get enough proof in actions.

The thing that makes my story somewhat different to yours, though, is that I had no idea what was going on prior to me checking. Some might say that I didn't need to check anything, given that I had left. And that is a fair point. Had he not been bombarding me with emails/texts/phone calls/flowers/messages behind planes (well, not quite!), then I would not have done it. However, I guess I needed something extra to validate my decision and to add some strength to my "No". Also, I think I was still reeling from the chaos of the previous few years and the fact that so much was ethereal, rather than concrete, and I wanted some hard proof that I had made the right decision.

I got what I needed. It wasn't I really wanted (i.e. to be thought of as special), however it was what helped me move on. You already have much of this information, so why do you need more? Do you think it might be the whole drama thing? Or are you just being plain nosy? LOL!

If you are done with him, then be done with him. Period. When it's over none of this matters.

As I said before, he has moved on, time for you to do the same.

As a faithful 12-stepper, I believe everything happens for a reason. So I would say discovering the email account and being able to access it was a gift. In my case, AH left his password on my computer one night while he was (drunk) checking his emails.

I say this, of course, because I did the same LOL. Not only emails, but journals. For 18 years AH kept journals and not once did I ever look in them. When he came to get some of his stuff from the house, he left the journals behind. Still don't know if it was subconscious on his part or not, but I began to read them. Mostly I went to the dates where I had doubted my sanity on his behaviors. There is one page from those journals that I still carry in my therapy notebook. It illustrates the absolute insanity, fear, self loathing and everything else I've heard about from attending open AA meetings. All of it isn't important to share here, but in one page he starts with expressing his absolute terror at the thought of losing me, and ends with his fear that his resentment and rage against me is so strong, he will kill me in a blackout.

I changed the locks and installed a security system. I consider those journals being left behind a god shot and I have no regret at reading some of it. i haven't looked at them since and don't really have an interest.

I can't imagine ever doing something like that again, because I hope I'm learning enough to know to leave an unhealthy relationship before it gets to the point of having to check emails and journals.

STOP STOP STOP!

What does it matter what he’s doing?
It’s his life you got your own.
Make the best of it.
Get over this dork and move on to a new wild life. Dance, go out, meet some strange guy name Ramon and get crazy.

He does not matter, not one little bit.

Wow, great responses!

I didn't really know before I started checking his email. I would get anxious, look at his email, catch something a littlle off kilter, and he would make some excuse which I believed. Ultimately the emails were made me see who he really is.

There was no other way to really know. I now know he cheated on me and is capalble of manipulating. I want to know if he is manipulating this other woman or trying? Was he trying with me, or just manipulating?

You really need to get out from under this.
What does it matter what he's doing with her?

What are you getting out of this?
How is it working for you?

What does your gut tell you?