Saint Francis

For those who don’t know, brief history. AH’s been to rehab twice, detox 3 times, and been a binge this week. Every night there is drama. Every night he wakes me up and screams at me, calls me names, throws things, and basically terrorizes me (hasn’t hit me). He threatens to spend $ on credit cards, and wasted some on fireworks and yesterday it was flying lessons. He lies about going to AA, goes drinking instead. None of his friends want anything to do with him, nor do I. I want out SOOOO bad.

Twice this week he woke up and threatened to call the ambulance. It was 3 am on the 4th for a headache, and then 3 am this morning for his leg. He broke his leg March 5 and had a titanium rod put in. He broke it then because he was so drunk that he couldn’t walk well and fractured it coming out of the car (he drove for 2 hours). Well, last night at 9 pm, dejavue, he’s laying in the driveway, again, screaming in pain, again. Thinks he broke his right rod-leg or something. He proceeds to blame me and call me names and deny how much beer he’s had. There were 12 Buds in the car. I try my best to sleep. But every time he wants a cigarette and beer, he gets up and moans. Finally, he again screams at me at 3am. Says he’s going to the ER and will call the ambulance if I don’t take him. I take him, anything to save $1K ride.

Xrays turned out that his leg is intact so they release him. But he kept b*tching about getting something for the pain to the dr. The dr. knew the drunken circumstances and actually said, “Maybe this is God’s way of punishing you!” Yeah, but what did I do? Why am I being punished? I’m trying to get him away from me, but he has nowhere to go and now he’s convalescing. I’m very resentful that I’m expected to be his slave and nurse after the way he treats me. I am doing my best to not enable him and I think I’m detaching well. He’s always sabotaging my life. I can’t escape the drama. I’m seeing the lawyer ASAP but how do I get away from him now?

parentrecovers

you might call a local women's shelter for safe places to stay? family or friends you can stay with?

agreed - way too much drama and stress. and he sounds dangerous with the anger and blame and violence and all.

please be safe - blessings, k

LaTeeDa

I can't tell you what to do since each and every situation is different. The statements I quoted above give him way too much power over you. I hope you can find a way to take your power back. You are not responsible for him, whether he has a hurt leg or not. And you do not have to take his abuse. You have choices. Is there somewhere you could go for a few days to get some peace? Friend, relative, motel, cabin in the woods? When I feel stuck and trapped it is an indication that I am giving control of my life to others. When I take back my power, I no longer feel stuck. Give it a try.

L

Godhelpme

((((Saint))))

Do you have any family or friends near-by that you can stay with? Is short-term residence at a hotel financially feasible? Some churches offer hospitality stays also.

You do not have to accept UNacceptable behavior. Not now. Not ever.

Take good care of you.

ghm

Saint Francis

Thanks, I think I will get a motel room and/or visit friends a few hours away. I'll get him situated with cigarettes and give him his car keys back. His right leg is in bad shape and he shouldn't be using it to drive, especially to get beer, but I guess I'll give them back and pray that he doesn't hurt anyone else. How do things get so bad?? 9 years ago we were so in-love and nice to each other.

Spiritual Seeker

When he is not home have friends help you move your stuff out-to storage if necessary, and go stay with someone. Or get a restraining order on him and have him out.

parentrecovers

hey sf - anvil is right on this one - you don't need to help him with keys and cigs. if he's like other active addicts/alcohlics - he'll figure that out all on his own.

go get yourself safe - that's your priority today.

hugs, i know how difficult it is - k

Sailorswife

I think sometimes as a woman or mother we feel the need to take care of others in our life. We put ourselves last on the list. How fair is that?! Well, it's not! You HAVE to look out for yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.

He's a big boy, he can fend for himself.

Good luck!

an'ka

I think this is the highest and most despicable form of arrogance to heap endless abuse on somebody and then expect them to care for you! Anvilhead is right, if you want this to stop, pack your bag and leave. Are you waiting for his permission? He will continue to dish it out as long as you dutifully take it. You are not his slave, you are not his nurse, and you are not anything you don't want to be.

LGLG07

what ive learned on this site is that the only person i can control is me .. i cant make my ah stop bringing chaos into my life , but i can remove myself from his .
good luck , its never easy , but you will feel so free !

ARealLady

"pray that he doesn't hurt anyone else"

Save the prayers for you, Saint! Don't give him the car keys.

ARL

Live

Pull money out of your joint account and open your own ASAP. Like tomorrow morning.
If you don't he may clean out the account. This is a very typical thing that happens.

Anytime a woman leaves,...I have seen this happen more times than I can count.
It leaves her up a creek without a paddle. And without resources and choices.
And exerts control over her.

We would all like to settle things amicably....but that is a rarity.

prodigal

How do things get so bad? It's alcoholism and it's a progressive disease. I, too, was married to some guy years ago who was nice to me. Today, he's turned into some sort of monster I don't even recognize. A's are very resourceful when it comes to getting what they want - be it booze, cigarettes, people to wait on them, people to use ...

Let him figure out how to get his cigarettes - I'm sure he'll find a way. I hope you realize that if he gets behind the wheel and damages another vehicle or the vehicle's passengers, you are liable as well.

You don't have to take the abuse. Walk away from it, drive away from it, go visit family and/or friends. I spend my days in a bookstore and my evenings in my home office. I don't so much as open my mouth to acknowledge AH is alive, which works fine for me. Thankfully, he doesn't speak to me anymore either. At least he finally shut his nasty pie-hole!! He requested that I go f*** off the other night, so I obliged his request and did just that. So it IS possible to get away from the abuse, believe me!

AWEDA

Even though he hasn't hit you,you may qualfify for a PFA order. I got one from my AH crazy emotional abuse that my children and I feared for our lives. As someone else saild ake your half out of the joint checking acct and open a account at another bank. Mine went to jail after flipping out and walking through the neighborhood with a sword that landed him 2 months on jail. Things will get worse quickly. My children and I now have PEACE. It was a long time coming after all the H**L we went through. TRy to get a PFA. It is a start to getting him out of your home. Good luck Prayers are with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saint Francis

I did give him his car keys. I know, I know. But! I started to view this as controlling and stopping him from “his bottom.” Since losing me, losing his ability to walk, losing friends are not his bottom, perhaps totaling his precious Mustang may be his bottom. He already dented front and back bumpers this week from drinking while driving. I don’t know how he drives now with his left foot either. He had somehow acquired a 12 pack of Bud while I was at work. I asked him where it came from. He just smirked, “Ha, ha, I have sources, you dumb *ss.” It was like staring at Satan. As I packed my things to leave for the weekend, he was on the phone with family (all far away). They had said to me they would cut him off if he started drinking again…but they, like me are not following through quickly on their boundries. He’s blaming me on phone with them that I’m the problem and the alkie and caused him start up again. I guess that hurts that he can find people to believe his lies. He’s been trying to turn my sister against me too, but she knows better. He’s a stage 5 alkie and drs have confirmed that if he drinks for a few weeks, he will lose his ability to walk and talk soon. I just cry because I love him so much but hate so much what this disease is doing to him and to me. I contacted lawyer Friday but she’s booked for a month. I am getting a new bank account Monday per your suggestions, and I’m thinking of canceling all the credit cards that he has (all in my name), but that will evoke anger. BTW, no kids involved. Just a lot of pieces of my heart Thanks again, I listen to good advice when I feel paralyzed to make decisions.

Pick-a-name

(((sf)))

chero

SF, I'm so sorry. My heart is beaking for you. It's awful the things we endure in the name of love. But the man you married isn't there. That IS someone else staring at you and mocking you and saying terrible and hurtful things to you. That man you loved wouldn't want you to endure all you been through. He would want you to get out and get help for YOURSELF and live YOUR life.

I've been listening to this old Patti Labelle song, I Wanna Be Free, There is a line in that song that says, "There's a life out there that my name is on."

SF, there is better! It can be better!!!

HUGS!

Wascally Wabbit

Things never ever get better, they get progressively worse with alcoholics. They hate you more, they treat you worse each time, they blame you for every single thing.
Until they realize that they are addicted to alcohol, and truly seek help and work that program in earnest, things will remain the same. The drama, the screaming, the stress, it just gets worse.

The thing to realize is while you can't do anything to fix them, you have to fix yourself.
You learn how to respond, or not, to the alcoholic.
You learn that just because you love him, you don't have to tolerate ugly behavior!
You learn that you are a person worthy to be treated in a respectful manner.
You learn that you can have a life of your own, doing things you want to do.
You learn that you don't have to invest every single ounce of your being into an degrading and dangerous relationship. That you can use your energy for your own self.
You learn to have a plan B in case you decide to leave.
I do hope that you will seek help too. Alanon is an awesome place and you make friends there who can help you tremendously.
Take care.

Godhelpme

((Saint))) More hugs to you.

Contact another attorney (unless there's some reason you need to stick to the one who's booked for a month?) Cancel those credit cards, close out the accounts, etc. etc. Do all that you need to do to protect yourself and your finances. Leave him to his own devices. He'd find a way just the same. Save yourself!

I understand how hard it is to walk away, that feeling of responsibility for the A and wanting to protect them from their self-destruction. This is no longer about him, honey. It's about YOU.

Please keep posting and letting us know how you are and where you're at it in the process.

Thinking of you and sending you peace.

~ghm

denny57

If the cards are in your name and he is just a signer, you can have him removed as an authorized signer. Ask them to issue you new cards with new numbers (so he can't use the old ones). Unless you feel you can easily and quickly replace them by applying for new. That way you'll have something immediately to pay hotel bills, etc.