PattyJo

Hello, I'm new to this. I posted on the newcomers board and they told me to come here. My husband and I have been together for nine years, during which he has been in and out of our home many times. Currently he is not here. I am having a very hard time with it. All of the things I hear about what he is doing and where his has been drives me crazy and just tears my heart out. I don't doubt that I can make it without him, it's just that I love this man and no one seems to understand that. He has done AA every time he leaves but I don't think he has ever been really devoted to it. I really thought the last time he came back it would work but it only took a few weeks until it fell apart again. I haven't heard from him in a week. Last night he showed up at his mother's house. I am just not emotionally ready to confront him. I just am not strong enough not to fall apart trying to talk to him. I have thought about this all day and it just brings me to tears. The person he is without Alcohol or drugs is so beautiful I wish he could see that. I really appreciate this it is so nice to be able to get it out. Any advice would be more than welcome.

Live

Hi, Patty,

I am sorry you are hurting so. It is very painful when someone you love dearly is bent on self-destruction ...and it affects all of us.

If you are able to get to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting, they are lifesavers for those of us who are going crazy from the fallout.
A true source of strength, perspective, support...and even laughter.

You might check out the stickies a/k/a power posts at the tops of the al-anon and nar-anon boards here.

And I am sure someone wiser will be along soon....with words to share....

hugs,
live

Debbie

Hi PattyJo and welcome

I hear you, boy do I hear you. I love the man sober. The sweetest, kindest, nicest guy you would ever want to meet but when he is drinking, not a person I want to be around much less spend the rest of my life with. But I perservere, hoping that one day through all the rehabs/hospitals/AA that it will click and he will get it.

I can not make him get sober and cannot force him to do anything he does not want to do. So I take care of me and hope while I find some serenity in living my life the best way I know how, it will eventually rub off on him.

People don't understand unless they've walked in your shoes. My family says leave him, how can I when I love him? They only hear about the bad but there is so much good too. I can definitely relate.

So what I am saying is take care of you. I know its hard, I've been there, still am there but its worth the effort.

Please read the power posts at the top of the forums and hopefully they will be helpful.

Keep coming back and again welcome.

Many hugs,
Debbie

liddy

Big Hugs to you ((pattyJo)))
and welcome !
your at the right place to mingle with us and know we are or
have been painfuly hurt by someone else's drinking I am also learning how to not just survive but live whether or not the alcoholic is drinking.
as barbie and live stated alanon is a good place to find support as well , my HP and alanon have brought me back from the edge.

God Bless you
liddy

Gabe

question of "do we love them?" I think the biggest question is "do they love us?" Or, more to the point, do they love us in the way that we DESERVE to be loved? I think those of us who end up severing our relationships with our A's get to the point where we "can't imagine our lives with him" instead of being at the point where "we can't imagine our lives without him".
My point is (and aren't I making it in a convoluted way) that there is life beyond the way you are living right now. You may not see it today, but you might see it somewhere down the line. You can not only survive, but you can thrive without this man in your life, if that is what you someday choose to do. You are not trapped in this relationship, there is a way out.
If you want to stay with him, there is a way to live that life as well. Both of those choices involve making your needs as important as his and learning to love yourself and consider yourself worthy of love.
I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. Two bits of advice:
1) Be particular
and
2) NEVER settle for less than you deserve...which of course is the the very best.
Peace,
Gabe

JustFedUp

Well said Gabe.

I'm with you PattyJo as far as the love part. I can do just fine without him, but I'm not yet ready to give up yet. I am however preparing for the possibility. I guess the way I'm preparing it is sort of like a death. If I do get to the point where I just can't live with it anymore, I don't want to go away from it with the bad memories. I'd like to go away with all the good memories, and that those parts, and that person died. Does that make any sense or am I just a loon?

EyesOpen

JustFedUp, you hit the nail on the head. It is a death. It's a death of the dream of "what could be" by accepting what is.

Months ago, I read something that said that like alcoholics, codependents are usually in denial. I got FURIOUS when I saw that. I thought "Me? Denial? No way!"

Now I realized that I was in denial. I was unwilling to let go of my dream of what "could be" or what "should be". I was not facing reality.

We go through the cycle of loving them when their at their best and enduring the pain of being around them when they're at their worst. And wear ourselves out in the process.

No one comes to love an alcoholic when they're drunk. Of course not! The person we meet is wonderful. It's after we've already given a piece of our hearts when we meet the other personality.

I saw someone here had used the term Jekyll/Hyde.... I thought that I was the only one who used that term to describe my A.

Gabe has it right. Maybe they do love us, but not in the way that we deserve to be love or need to be loved. They offer us scraps instead.