Reality
 

Here is a letter my 1st grader asked me to give to her Dad today. I am going to type it exactly as written. It breaks my heart.

Dear Dad can you please stop dreking. I miss you wen you ar sober. I love you we all do you need help dad so much. do you like dreking more thein us? yes no

all of us need you Dad we wut to see you with a smily on your face. you need air dreks and food. I hope you get all of that stufy you need to be halthy. you are not halhty. Dad come to my room at 7:00

love Janie

<3 my dade


SO I am looking at this reality in black and white. I feel like I need to do more to help her. Stop his visitation completely. I don't know but something... To everyone that doesnt share a child with their AH AB etc , thank whatever higher power you believe in.

My Mommy claws are out

I don't think 1st grade is too young for counseling. Do you have access to a counselor who works with children? I think at that age, it would be beneficial to have some time with Mommy and a counselor together.

BTW, it breaks my heart, too. :(

L

I'm so sorry to read that, Kelly. I do send thanks - not that I never wanted a child, but that one was not getting hurt in this whole situation.

(((kelly&janie))) and prayers for janie's dad

I totally feel your pain, I have been there myself, and after 12 years I am finally suing for full custody and supervised visits. We always make excuses for them in an attempt to embrace the man we know they are, and we know they love their children. But dont make the mistake I did ...sympathize ..but do whatever it takes to protect your children and yourself.

sending you giant hugs and Mommy strength,
Leah
Leah,

We all do counceling. Seperatly and together. I have a 15 yr old and 17 yr old also. The 15 yr old is very quiet and my 17 year old says in no uncertain terms she is done with him. Shes very angry, with reason.

I think I've pretty much made my decision. I am going to do as she ask's and give him this little letter writtn in brown crayon and make an appointment with my attorney. I don't think he deserves the right to place more pain into these childrens hearts.

Thank you all for your prayers and comments. I find I second guess myself so often. I don't post alot but I read every single day and I gain more strength from this board. It truly is my peice of mind at times.

Thanks again

As a little girl about 7 years old watching my brothers both A's and my Daddy-too! (Now passed on) it brings back my own memories of being about that age when I realized on my own that things were not right-It breaks my heart Heavenly to read your post-(blessed I can almost go back there to my childhood without crying)....

My heart and prayers go out to you! Do what you feel is right to protect yourself and your children. I commend you on being such a wonderful mother to look in any direction you can to protect those young hearts. I wish my mom did that! (Unfortunate she did not have the tools to do so, but I love her now so much)

Many prayers Heavenly! And this place is a foundation of strength and support! Another blessing in most of our lives!

((((HUGS))))

Hi, I am in a similar situation. AW, counseling for her, me and the family. I have two boys 14 and 17 and one is "done" with her and the other is always willing to give her a chance. She has an apartment now but the whole situation is just sad. Hang in there, your post helped me....I hope my sharing has helped you!

As a father and an AA who has been sober for nearly 8 years I can tell you that if "we" the alcoholic, are able to have a moment of clarity then recovery really begins. The definition of what something "cost" is what we have to give up to have it. My Canadian Club (whiskey) cost the association and trust of my then 16 year old daughter, 14 year old daughter, and their older brothers. When I really came to understand that it was more than I could afford I went to AA and have since re-established a loving and complete relationship with these wonderful children.

The sad fact is that a few of us are lucky enough to see the costs, others never do and keep trying to "pay the price" of that next drink. Eventually we are broke and broken along with our families. Heavenlyx3, you sound like a lady who would not let the spending habits of someone else, even a spouse, keep you from providing for your children. You can't stop the abuser nor can the children. Take care of yourself and your kids and if you are so inclined say a prayer for that clarity to be given to "Daddy", but just know that he has to see what he is willing to trade for the next drink.

Children learn that trust is something that is earned, not given. You keep setting the example of responsibility and your kids will see that your path is the one that they want to follow. I will offer a prayer that your daughter's daddy is given his moment of clarity, but as you no doubt know, only he can make the decision to stop. I might suggest that you give "daddy" the letter from his daughter and tell him that "as any good alcoholic knows, you have to pay the tab when the drinks have been served." Here is your tab! Can you pay it?

I haven't been able to stop re-reading this all day. I am the daddy of a 2-1/2 yr old boy, a beautiful child whom I adore, and a sober member of AA. When I was in rehab my counselor gave me an assignment which tore me apart more than any other thing I can ever remember, and that was to write a letter to myself from the perspective of my little boy, on the occasion of my burial at age 40, dead from alcoholism. It forced me into a position of listening to his little voice saying to me, "why...why..." I still have that letter in my files because it was a very deep and moving experience to pull that out of my own heart and lay it on the table for examination.

Your daughter's letter took me right back there, and I feel like crap, frankly. It hurts me terribly to know that I have wasted time and been absent when I was drunk. This is the kind of thing we can never understand until we become sober. I have decided that I don't want my son to remember me as a drunk, and I have sought a lot of help for my disease, but it's still a daily struggle for freedom. Your ex will have to get honest with himself and pull his humanity out of the gutter before he fully realizes the opportunity to share in his child's life he gave up while drinking.

I don't know that I have ever really had any answer that is good enough; the only answer is to do everything in my power to defeat or dismember my addiction, and not allow myself to be dragged away by my demons or selfish self-pity. I don't have any advice, but I hope you know that many of us AA dads have been able to become lovable again by getting help and turning our lives over to God. It will take time, even if he started now, but it's never too late. Maybe you can pray for him with your daughter.

This little letter brought me right back to my chidhood, living with two alcoholics. I remember writing something for school...the question was "If you had one wish, what would it be"? My wish was that my parents would get sober.

Well, some 50 years later, my mom still drinks, and my father finally stopped 10 years ago...part of my wish came true...but, today, it no longer matters, it's too late.

Do what's right for your children, you are their voice, their future.

Hugs,

Heavenlyx3,
i will never forget this. ever.
a deeply felt letter, written with the same feelings
that all of us are forced to express.
whether it's a 4 year old, a 1st grader, or a PhD.
We are all expressing similar feelings. Thank you so much.

Well, I gave him the letter. He never met her in her room at 7 to say anything and he left it stting on the coffee table. I'm waiting till my attorney gets to work so I can make an appointment. My children and I pray for him consistantly.

It just breaks me for my children. I'm a grown woman and I have the choices but they never asked for this. I promised them all a long time ago I would protect them and I will.

I'm taking them all out today for lunch and try and give them some sort of good time as plans with Dad for the 4th fell through. Yesterdays make up call fell way short and I think he's had enough chances with them.

Thank you all for your prayers and words. They mean so much to me.

(((Heavenly)))

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! It is just awful what A's do and do not do! That is all you can do pray for him and protect you and your children! It is times like these that make me look at our A's in this forum and commend them on finally "Getting it" ....unfortunate this cannot be done in your situation it has to be done on his own and making an appointment with the attorney sounds like a start of a plan!

(((HUGS TO YOUR KIDS))))

The one thing I have going for me is when we initially split he wanted to work things out. I told him I wouldnt without some sort of legal document protecting us. He signed a 30 pager and in it included being around my children within 8 hours of a drink. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt for the past couple weeks but his horns are out and he is into a full swing binge and has now breached the contract. I'll be hauling his ass to court. I don't really know what they will do about it yet but I'm sure something will be settled.

I also admire them all for getting it and include them in a group huddle as well as those in this forum in my prayers each day.

Good for you Heaven I hope that they do something! And you need to keep doing for you and those kids! Have you thought about asking him to leave? Just a thought-if he is not going to start some type of a program?

I admire you and your courage and strength to stick to your guns! Also maybe think of going to a counselor as was stated above with the kids? Anything to keep helping you and the kids!

Prayers and Blessings to you Heaven

Oh he is out of the house. He has been for a long while. We've dated and I've been really open with his visits. I have pretty much let him see the kids when he likes which since the split seems to be each day. Now, he has fallen into his pit again and I am gonna play hardball. These kids have been thru enough. I will not let him steal our joy. God promised it and I'm standing on it. I hope he chooses for himself to do the same.

GOOD keep that JOY! (((Hugs))) and yes kids as I know from my own childhood do suffer greatly from this and you honestly making my heart feel so good for being able to be there and help these kids! Alot are not due to getting sucked into deep with the chaos and loosing themselves so badly!

Blessings too! We can only do so much hoping for them! We have to come to a point and let go and let God!

I too grew up with an alcoholic mom and had no idea what was really going on. Dad left after it became too much and mom kept on. Today mom has 21 1/2 yrs. of sobriety. I myself have almost 10 yrs sobriety. I have 2 daughters 22 & 3! The oldest went to live with her father as a result of my disease! We have a wonderful relationship now. This youngest one I found out I was pregnant with a week after my husband, her father moved in with his girlfriend, nice you say??? Anyways, long story short, he would not, could not get honest, work a program and stay clean & sober, so . . .to save my serenity, sobriety and my own A** he had to go. Then, along comes Gracie, she's a blessing, I'm the winner. He, her father, has only seen her 2 whole times in her life! He's in prison now . . .again. . .and I'm sure he's sitting around whining about the missed years of her life. He doesn't see the days when she's behaving like a terrible two year old, and the sickness or the hurts. She has more than enough love from my extended family. I am grateful now that he didn't even try to come around and start something I would have to be answering for now. I dreaded and told him not to ever leave her standing at the door crying "Where's Daddy?" So grateful now he's not even in her life. She will be much better off than to have that chaos and sickness in her life.