Yesterdays fiasco
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Yesterdays fiasco
Ah was going to take kids to his aunts house but decided at last minute he was going to work with a friend who owns a pool store .. well the kids were alrdy excited to go so I bought them there and ah met us there a few hours later . he pulled me aside and apologized for being jerky these past 3 or 4 wks . said he spoke to his sponsor and was told that he was going through what they call a 'dry drunk' . So he says he is back on track w/his meetings and will be back at his mothers house (he also pulled his mom aside and apologized to her as well for being distant) He said he wasnt drinking but he was thinking about drinking alot over the past few wks and it was setting him off on these mood swings he didnt really know how to handle .. blah blah blah . So he stays at the party , drinks water , plays with all the kids there and enjoys his family (most of them he hasnt seen since hes out of rehab , abt 2 1/2 months) Everyone tells me and his mom that for what its worth , he looks great , sounds great . blah blah blah .
So he goes to his moms that night and his stepfather (who is a control freak and has been butting heads with ah since ah was 15 yrs old) tells ah that they need to have a talk before he can move back in there . ah says he had a good day although it was a little stressful (first party since rehab) could they talk tmrw (meaning tdy) after ah gets out of work and he goes upstairs to bed .. his mom goes and gets him out of bed and tells him if he wants to live there he will have to talk to the stepfather now , just for 10 mins .. Im sure ah wasnt happy but he got up and went downstairs and sat down . well his stepdad wasnt happy with his choice of where he sat and told him to sit in a different seat .
So that did it .. the 'FUs' were flying and the 'get the f out of my house & dont come back' followed by the 'no problem im f'ing out of here' .. his mom calls me crying and tells me all this . ah left in a huff w/all his stuff and isnt answering the phone . So i tell her to stop worrying and go to sleep . Shes gonna need to be rested when he surfaces again .
So he surfaced .. abt an hour later .. on my doorstep . He came in and was calm , asked if i spoke to his mom , I told him I did . He told me pretty much the same version of what she did . He said there is no way he can stay there now and doesnt know what to do because he has no place to go .
Im not sure what the right thing is to do now . he wants to come back home . clms he nds his family and some structure . its been to hard on him to not know when hes gonna see the kids or what our future holds . i told him its hard on my too .
90 days sober isnt much . I dont feel responsible for his sobriety because he will drink if he wants to so Im not basing my decision on that . He wants to start counseling together . All along I thought this seperation would be another 6 - 9 months but I feel like I cant leave him to sleep in his truck . Would that be fair ?
I would think that would harm our marriage more then help it at this point . We really cant afford for him to rent a place , even for 6 months .
Has anyone ever been faced with this situation ??? Please tell me what you have done and how it worked out for you .... thank you for reading
So he goes to his moms that night and his stepfather (who is a control freak and has been butting heads with ah since ah was 15 yrs old) tells ah that they need to have a talk before he can move back in there . ah says he had a good day although it was a little stressful (first party since rehab) could they talk tmrw (meaning tdy) after ah gets out of work and he goes upstairs to bed .. his mom goes and gets him out of bed and tells him if he wants to live there he will have to talk to the stepfather now , just for 10 mins .. Im sure ah wasnt happy but he got up and went downstairs and sat down . well his stepdad wasnt happy with his choice of where he sat and told him to sit in a different seat .
So that did it .. the 'FUs' were flying and the 'get the f out of my house & dont come back' followed by the 'no problem im f'ing out of here' .. his mom calls me crying and tells me all this . ah left in a huff w/all his stuff and isnt answering the phone . So i tell her to stop worrying and go to sleep . Shes gonna need to be rested when he surfaces again .
So he surfaced .. abt an hour later .. on my doorstep . He came in and was calm , asked if i spoke to his mom , I told him I did . He told me pretty much the same version of what she did . He said there is no way he can stay there now and doesnt know what to do because he has no place to go .
Im not sure what the right thing is to do now . he wants to come back home . clms he nds his family and some structure . its been to hard on him to not know when hes gonna see the kids or what our future holds . i told him its hard on my too .
90 days sober isnt much . I dont feel responsible for his sobriety because he will drink if he wants to so Im not basing my decision on that . He wants to start counseling together . All along I thought this seperation would be another 6 - 9 months but I feel like I cant leave him to sleep in his truck . Would that be fair ?
I would think that would harm our marriage more then help it at this point . We really cant afford for him to rent a place , even for 6 months .
Has anyone ever been faced with this situation ??? Please tell me what you have done and how it worked out for you .... thank you for reading
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
In his dealings with his stepfather, I see a lot of blame being put on the stepfather.
Only you know what is best for you and your family. He certainly seems to be talking the talk. I can't tell from your post whether any of his actions (besides playing nicely with the children) indicate to you he is working his recovery.
Good luck - I know it isn't easy.
Only you know what is best for you and your family. He certainly seems to be talking the talk. I can't tell from your post whether any of his actions (besides playing nicely with the children) indicate to you he is working his recovery.
Good luck - I know it isn't easy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
yes, i've been faced with this situation with my xh. i let him back in the door everytime, and everytime, it was a disaster. i felt sooooooo sorry for him, and after all, he was trying, and he didn't have anyone, and he really needed a chance, and, and, and...........
mine was so damn good at the game......always made it someone elses fault. for instance......when your hubs stepfather wanted to speak with him......but hubs was stressed out....god, i got so sick of hearing that phrase......well, i think that would have just about made me pretty pissed off too....after all, he was staying in their home, the man wanted 10 minutes of your hubs time, but in the usual alkie way, his needs/wants seemed to come first.
i finally got real good at slamming the door in hubs face. it hurt like hell to do it, but i was just about destroyed from living within his sickness, that i had to take care of myself first. he was a grown man, and a proven survivor.....he would find a way to live. and he always did......even tho that entailed other women from which he could live off of.
my therapist once asked me just how much i was willing to invest in a reltionship that was this toxic, if my hubs had a 10 per cent chance of recovery. at first, i was willing to invest freely. in the end, after experiencing all the hell, i wish i would have run as fast as i could, and cut my losses.
mine was so damn good at the game......always made it someone elses fault. for instance......when your hubs stepfather wanted to speak with him......but hubs was stressed out....god, i got so sick of hearing that phrase......well, i think that would have just about made me pretty pissed off too....after all, he was staying in their home, the man wanted 10 minutes of your hubs time, but in the usual alkie way, his needs/wants seemed to come first.
i finally got real good at slamming the door in hubs face. it hurt like hell to do it, but i was just about destroyed from living within his sickness, that i had to take care of myself first. he was a grown man, and a proven survivor.....he would find a way to live. and he always did......even tho that entailed other women from which he could live off of.
my therapist once asked me just how much i was willing to invest in a reltionship that was this toxic, if my hubs had a 10 per cent chance of recovery. at first, i was willing to invest freely. in the end, after experiencing all the hell, i wish i would have run as fast as i could, and cut my losses.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Salvation Army is free and as long as he is sober he can stay there, also they have a pretty dang good recovery program that coincides with AA. Plus Salvation Army has boundaries and restrictions and a 'structured' living.
If you are not ready to have him return that is YOUR CHOICE. he can also see what Oxford Houses are in the area, that he coud apply at.
Right now, IMHO you and the kids need your space and what peace and serenity you can find, and an alkie in early recovery is NOT CONDUCIVE to any peace and serenity at all.
Please keep posting...........................you know we are here for you.
Love and hugs,
If you are not ready to have him return that is YOUR CHOICE. he can also see what Oxford Houses are in the area, that he coud apply at.
Right now, IMHO you and the kids need your space and what peace and serenity you can find, and an alkie in early recovery is NOT CONDUCIVE to any peace and serenity at all.
Please keep posting...........................you know we are here for you.
Love and hugs,
Let Go Let God
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
thank u for your quick responses .. hmm .. where to start ..
i am afraid i am being manipulated again which is why i posted .. ah was working the program since rehab up until about 3 wks ago when he started to slack . clms he is back on track now and went to a meeting yesterday , he has a date book and in it wrote all the meetings in the areas he is usually in and the times so it will help him not to miss a day .
i dont mean to sound that i am blaming the stepfather entirely but honestly i did think that considering they spent the day together and it was clear that he wasnt drinking , and he had a conversation with his mother who told me she was really happy about how he was , and i saw him talking to his stepfather at the party too although i dont know what about ( neither of them told me ) , i am questioning his motives on why his stepdad was insisting on talking that night . If ah just walked in there after being gone for 2 wks without a trace and expected to be able to stay , then I absolutely would expect him to sit and talk before he moved his bags back in , but knowing his stepdad is very controlling and has a 'holier than thou' attitude and likes to make people feel like they are beneathe him , I wonder if his best interest were with himself or with ah ...
can we be too hard on the As and not give them enough of support ?
I hear what you are saying embraced and that too is my worst fear , Im so on the fence of whether this is manipulation or desperation . I feel for you and what you have gone/are going through . I dont want my situation to end up that way . i keep rereading your words ... aauughhh ... this is hard
I just saw your comments Laurie , thank u , that makes a lot of sense !!
i am afraid i am being manipulated again which is why i posted .. ah was working the program since rehab up until about 3 wks ago when he started to slack . clms he is back on track now and went to a meeting yesterday , he has a date book and in it wrote all the meetings in the areas he is usually in and the times so it will help him not to miss a day .
i dont mean to sound that i am blaming the stepfather entirely but honestly i did think that considering they spent the day together and it was clear that he wasnt drinking , and he had a conversation with his mother who told me she was really happy about how he was , and i saw him talking to his stepfather at the party too although i dont know what about ( neither of them told me ) , i am questioning his motives on why his stepdad was insisting on talking that night . If ah just walked in there after being gone for 2 wks without a trace and expected to be able to stay , then I absolutely would expect him to sit and talk before he moved his bags back in , but knowing his stepdad is very controlling and has a 'holier than thou' attitude and likes to make people feel like they are beneathe him , I wonder if his best interest were with himself or with ah ...
can we be too hard on the As and not give them enough of support ?
I hear what you are saying embraced and that too is my worst fear , Im so on the fence of whether this is manipulation or desperation . I feel for you and what you have gone/are going through . I dont want my situation to end up that way . i keep rereading your words ... aauughhh ... this is hard
I just saw your comments Laurie , thank u , that makes a lot of sense !!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
We all know how you feel, but you have to decide whats right for you and yours. Laurie makes some valid points with the help that is available to him, but unless I did all the legwork, he'd never seek that kind of help...and that would be enabling wouldn't it???? It's a tough one and no one else can tell you what to do...it sounds like he's pretty early into recovery....Is this his first time trying to get you to help??? Has he done it before???? Can you let him in under strict boudaries and stick to them????
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Laurie makes alot of sense and checking out oxford houses or the salvation army would be in his best interest and yours. I know you feel sorry for him but he's only 90 days sober and stopped working his program 3 weeks ago, allow him time to get back on track and prove he's serious about wanting his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Actions speak louder than words.
His actions--He stopped working his program and has been "being jerky" for 3 or 4 weeks. He created or allowed a situation to happen where he now has no place to live.
His words--He's back on track and "needs" his family and some structure.
Just from my perspective of an outsider looking in, based on what you wrote, it seems that recovery is turning out to be a lot harder that he expected and wants to be rescued. I don't know the whole story, obviously, but that's how it reads to me. Please remember to put your own best interests first, no matter how needy he seems.
L
His actions--He stopped working his program and has been "being jerky" for 3 or 4 weeks. He created or allowed a situation to happen where he now has no place to live.
His words--He's back on track and "needs" his family and some structure.
Just from my perspective of an outsider looking in, based on what you wrote, it seems that recovery is turning out to be a lot harder that he expected and wants to be rescued. I don't know the whole story, obviously, but that's how it reads to me. Please remember to put your own best interests first, no matter how needy he seems.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Ah the drama......you know I remember when I lost the ability to remember when there was no drama in everyday events.....it happens to all of us in a dysfuntional relationship which includes an alcoholic. There are other options besides taking him in. Be clear that you will take him in for one night but he must find an alternative. Stick to your guns! Sounds like there is more to the story regarding his stepfather but that's not something you can fix either. Peace is possible.....
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
LG,
I'm voting against what they all say. He is your husband and the father of your kids. If you love him, 90 days sober isn't all that great, but not that bad either. Over 20 years ago, I gave my AH another chance (before we were even married) when he was only 90 days sober, and he remained sober for over 14 years and was the best husband and father anyone could ask for. He then relapsed, was a rough couple of years, but now went to rehab and is attending meetings, etc. He is living at home with me, and while I still have some emotional scars from the past couple of years (the lies and manipulation), I am willing to give him another chance and work on it. Recovery isn't easy, especially for the alcoholic early in recovery. Only your mind and your heart can really guide you. I wish you the best.
Teree
PS - Many years ago, after the first time AH went to rehab, a few months later, we were at the beach, and he was in a really bad mood. After much prodding, he finally admitted to me that he was moody cause it was a really good "beer drinking day". Even though he thought that, he still remained committed to recovery and sober for many, many years.
I'm voting against what they all say. He is your husband and the father of your kids. If you love him, 90 days sober isn't all that great, but not that bad either. Over 20 years ago, I gave my AH another chance (before we were even married) when he was only 90 days sober, and he remained sober for over 14 years and was the best husband and father anyone could ask for. He then relapsed, was a rough couple of years, but now went to rehab and is attending meetings, etc. He is living at home with me, and while I still have some emotional scars from the past couple of years (the lies and manipulation), I am willing to give him another chance and work on it. Recovery isn't easy, especially for the alcoholic early in recovery. Only your mind and your heart can really guide you. I wish you the best.
Teree
PS - Many years ago, after the first time AH went to rehab, a few months later, we were at the beach, and he was in a really bad mood. After much prodding, he finally admitted to me that he was moody cause it was a really good "beer drinking day". Even though he thought that, he still remained committed to recovery and sober for many, many years.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Just to clarify--I wasn't trying to suggest taking him back or not taking him back. That is a decision only you can make. I was only suggesting that you look at your motives and circumstances to make your decision. Would you be taking him back because you sincerely believe he is recovering and the relationship has a chance? Or would it be simply because of dire circumstances (which he is at least partially responsible for)?
L
L
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
All I can do is offer what I did in a similar situation,,,
When my A came to me recently to "help" him with a place to stay cause he has no place else to go.
I felt much like you LG, confused as to was this manipulation or desperation?
You know what? When I played the tape through, in the end it didn't matter. What mattered was if I was willing to do the codie/alkie dance again. Even if he WAS a early recovery alkie.
it's a crap shoot unfortunatly.
And I don't do well with games of chance. So I said no
Others, can take the gamble and are either hit the jack pot or go broke and try and rebuild their lives again. SWEARING they would nevr gamble again. We all have different levels of tolerance. Our decsions come at different times during OUR lives. You can see that from the responses your getting on this thread.
The question you ask is so personal, no one can give you the answer. All we can do is tell you about our expereince and hope it helps guide you while making yours.
When I need an answer to a personal question, I ask the spirits,,,
Peace and (((((((LG))))))))
When my A came to me recently to "help" him with a place to stay cause he has no place else to go.
I felt much like you LG, confused as to was this manipulation or desperation?
You know what? When I played the tape through, in the end it didn't matter. What mattered was if I was willing to do the codie/alkie dance again. Even if he WAS a early recovery alkie.
it's a crap shoot unfortunatly.
And I don't do well with games of chance. So I said no
Others, can take the gamble and are either hit the jack pot or go broke and try and rebuild their lives again. SWEARING they would nevr gamble again. We all have different levels of tolerance. Our decsions come at different times during OUR lives. You can see that from the responses your getting on this thread.
The question you ask is so personal, no one can give you the answer. All we can do is tell you about our expereince and hope it helps guide you while making yours.
When I need an answer to a personal question, I ask the spirits,,,
Peace and (((((((LG))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by LGLG07 
All along I thought this seperation would be another 6 - 9 months but I feel like I cant leave him to sleep in his truck .
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 84
No advice either other than pray about it. Ask God. Just a thought but on the one hand I think why doesn't he just apologize to his stepfather for saying the FU's? Even when someone else is a jerk, the 12 step programs still insist that we keep our side of the street clean. If he won't apologize, is it his pride that keeps him from doing so? Our egos are what get us into trouble and limit our choices. It's what makes us push out our higher power and puts us back in the driver's seat instead of God. Let it be God's will, not our own, right?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by thinkmink
Just a thought but on the one hand I think why doesn't he just apologize to his stepfather for saying the FU's? Even when someone else is a jerk, the 12 step programs still insist that we keep our side of the street clean.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
LGLG07, i want to thank you for a beautiful description of real people acting in common ways. i wish i could help more than the other posts, but i can't give better advice than the others have given.
but hearing that other people actually live in situations where people behave like you described sure helped me.
but hearing that other people actually live in situations where people behave like you described sure helped me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
