DII

Family Therapy, my therapy, my spouses therapy....... It is so tough. My wife has been an admitted Alcoholic for 3 years and in denial for 2 year prior to that. Inpatient, outpatient...all ends up the same. When sober is the BEST person but can't stay that way, always relapses. She is in an apartment now and I really feel it's over. I care about her but more than anything feel sorry for her. My therapist says I deserve to be happy. We see her therapist together and she says my "wall" is up because I have feelings I don't express. This all might be true, but we've been married 15 year have a 17 and 14 year old boys. How do I know I won't feel differently if she "get's it together"? Breaking up truly is hard to do.

dollydo

Welcome,

If she gets it together, and remains sober for a year or so, you can consider re-igniting the flame. If that is what you want at that time.

Until then, observe her actions from an arms length away, the answer to your question lies there.

Keep posting, it will help.

Janitw

Welcome D11....When is it time to leave? When you have had enough pain....please read the stickies at the top of this forum especially the one that entitled: The Pain Stops ...

Only YOU can say when you have had enough. Have you tried going to Alanon?

Janitw

DII

Thanks for the message. The problem with Alanon is that most of the groups are focused on wives that that have AH.

Mr. Christian

Hello DII,

As far as Alanon goes, I think your wrong.
I’ve been in it 4 years now and meetings do vary.
Now as far as it being tough to leave, yep it is.
But in the long run it would be even harder on everyone to stay.

The blind everlasting devotion that I have witnessed form people is almost maddening.
You and your children are worth much more then the life you are all leading with a progressive drunk.

Many people make a lot of excuses to stay, and they are just that.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if a person decides to stay in a toxic relationship, then they should not complain about it.

Movement is always your choice, it all depends how you want to live.

thinkmink

The issues are the same, whether the a is a male or a female. Plenty of people in al-anon are dealing with parents, siblings, and their children who are alcoholics. It's true much of the original literature of al-non was written "for the wives" but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't apply to anyone who cares for an alcoholic. You just have to hear the message on how it applies to you. Like they say, take what you like and leave the rest

denny57

Don't know where you are in California, but there is a very good men's stag meeting here. I can send you info. The meetings I attend have a healthy ratio of men to women.

CE Girl

Hey DII,,and WELCOME to SR

One of my biggest fears when I left my A, was that he would "get it" and I would miss out. The guilt of leaving played heavily on my mind. It's a symptom of the disease of codependancy.

One of the good people on this site, pointed me in the direction of a series of books called "getting them sober". You can find free excerts from the book if you type the title into your browser.

Whenever I feel I made a mistake by leaving, I "play the tape through". I find I'm usually "romacing the past" by thinking he will get well and we can live hapiily ever after. But if I play the tape through, I realize I need to remember the truth. The roller coaster ride of hope and despair of his attempts at recovery is the truth. To date, he is still active.

As I heal and recover through detachment and no contact, I feel stronger and more confident I made the right decision.

Stay strong,

Peace

DII

Thanks to ALL for your feedback. This site is a nice way to share and get the perspective of others.