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Its been a while ..

Old 07-03-2007, 03:02 PM
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Its been a while ..

Has been almost a month since I last posted, I thought my life was on an uphill swing, then .. reality hit once again. My AH had quit the drugs and drinking, but then after a couple or three weeks went out and bought some pot and probable some other stuff I don't know, and has spent about 5 to 600 dollars on booze at the liquor store on our company check book. And has stayed out again all night a couple times. He just won't quit, can't quit, or something. He pretends to be so attentive, then in the same minute is so grumpy and acts as if I am such a pain in his ass! I think that maybe he wants to be a responsible husband and father and just doesn't have a clue as to how to do this. I feel as if I am starting all over again. I plan to leave him as soon as I can muster up enough money and plan my escape, but he get so nuts even at the smallest fight that we have, he almost scares me, threatening and the looks he gives me are to kill. He tells me if I don't like it I know where the door is, but I just keep hoping things will get better. After 18 years, I am an idiot. The more I move on to my own, caring about only me and the kids and letting him go, the more he tries to enter into our lives and act like a caring husband and father, then BAM! he gets sick of it and puts us down, belittles the kids, goes out gets wasted, slacks on work, stops caring all together. The rollercoaster ride still isn't over, I feel as if I have had a slip back into to codependent ways and have to climb back up the hill all over again. I get pretty tired, some nights I just don't sleep, thoughts scramble through my head, I get nutty, and can't think rationally. I wish I would have never married him. I really wish I hadn't , but then I wouldn't have my two kids, who mean the world to me.... This life sucks....
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Old 07-03-2007, 03:28 PM
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"This life sucks"...so what are you going to do about this?

Time to take off your rose colored glasses, and make a plan and follow through. This man has some real problems, and so do you. Have you been to meetings? Have you sought therapy? Have you done anything at all?

You post for a week, then you disappear, then a few weeks later you pop back up.
Recovery from codependency takes hard work, day in and day out and it must be what you want.

I offer support and advice, you do nothing with it, why? Quite honestly, I don't get it. It's like listening to the same CD over and over again.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

I wish you the best.
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Old 07-03-2007, 03:43 PM
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Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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He sounds exactly like me when I was active in my disease, the traits and patterns arent unusual. And what you've shared mirrors pretty closely what my ex probably went through.

dolly said it perfectly. Nothing changes if nothing changes, or "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". You can protect yourself and your kids, but you can't control or change your AH. If you're not going to Al-Anon meetings you might consider them in an effort to gain some peace in your life, and to know that there are others out there who deal with similar issues.
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:34 PM
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Dolly's right Flwr and it does "suck".

"The ride isn't over" if you stay fastened in the cart. Weigh your options. Make a list of what you want and how you want to do it. With or without your AH, life can be better and you can step off the rollercoaster!!

Hugs!!
(((((Flwrchld)))))
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:10 PM
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Hey flwrchld,,,

By the way, like your name, reminds me of, "peace love and happiness" in the TRUE genre of the hippie lifestyle.

I got to tell ya though, I looked at your join date, and thought, "please don't let me be in the same place, that long after I started looking for help"

Your two kids, who mean the world to you? What are they learning?

I have found if I live by example, others will gain respect and admiration without my really trying. For me, deciding to end the madness living with my A, brought me closer to the people who truly LOVE me. They are PROUD of my strength and thank me for giving them their mom, friend, coworker, ect back.

Was it easy? HELL NO!! I loved that man more than life. But,,it came down to loving myself MORE!!!

Your post was all about what your A is doing. What are YOU doing for YOU?

Peace
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:17 PM
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What got me in trouble was pinning my "uphill swing" in life on someone else's actions. My life really started to go uphill when I made slow and steady steps for myself. That way, if AH continued to drink, which he did, I was still moving up and didn't crash with him.
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