Some insight, pls read - may be helpful

Old 07-03-2007, 01:03 PM
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Some insight, pls read - may be helpful

I am still working on how much of a sociopath my ex is, (I honestly think he is a narcissist in the clinical sense, and that he probably is really not capable of feeling much). He manipulates and lies all the time and now in retrospect I am starting to see how emotionally unavailable he was throughout!

HOWEVER, I had an amazing revelation about why I picked him. My abusive uncle is EXACTLY LIKE HIM! I think I wanted to "resolve that childhood trauma". I now know it is him, not me and am starting to detach my sense of worth from my uncle/my ex. I feel freed from a depression I did not even know was there. I am grateful that this horrible relationship has given me a freedom I never had. Maybe now I can really build myself.

For all of us who are/have been stuck PLEASE ask yourself are you playing out a childhood trauma/drama?

I am still devastated and destabilized by what I thought was there and who he seems to be - can't believe the discrepancy. I am trying to find SOMETHING redeeming about him.
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Old 07-03-2007, 01:17 PM
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Why worry about why ? Focus on the solution and recovery. If the why is important, it will be revealed when it's appropriate.

Emotionally unavailable is par for the course with an alkie. My ex used to say "You're here, but you're not here....".
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Old 07-03-2007, 01:41 PM
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sometimes knowing why can bring closure .. you can stop wondering now if thats what you have been doing and close that chapter and move on .

Im proud for you of your realization and happy for you . you sound incredible free at this moment ! good for you !
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Old 07-03-2007, 01:45 PM
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For me, understanding the why wasn't so much about closure as it was about forgiveness. I would not have been able to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made if I didn't understand the reasons behind those mistakes. Asking why facilitates learning for me. Although I do have to be careful not to focus on the why to the exclusion of the lesson.

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Old 07-03-2007, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by gns View Post
ask yourself are you playing out a childhood trauma/drama?
As I am beginning my understanding of why I am where I am, its become clearer that part of the reason I married my husband is tied to having an alcoholic father. The rescuer part of me most likely.

Dealing with all those issues will come when the time is right. First steps are to remove myself from this situation and learn to not enable AH.
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Old 07-03-2007, 10:21 PM
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gns, i can tell you that this was a HUGE turning point for me - understanding why i made the choice to be with ah and accept what was unacceptable to me. why i settled -everything suddenly became soo clear after i was able to answer the hard hard questions -what is it in me that put me in this situation?
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Old 07-03-2007, 10:42 PM
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Focusing on my own "why's?" has been invaluable for me. I finally started to see a pattern that was so imbedded in my choices for partners that I realized I was indeed trying to resolve something from my past in the wrong and completely counter-productive way.

My exAH was the clinical template of a narcissist to a tee. I mean, look up the definition of narcissist in Webster's and you'll find his picture there. But you know what? It didn't matter. So now I had him labeled. Just like current AH. Yes, I fully understand and know the clinical diagnosis of his personality disorder. Know what? Yep - same answer. Don't matter one dang bit.

What I found mattered to me more than anything was understanding my own motivation for picking the Who's Who in the World of Nuts. I feel free. I don't feel afraid. I actually have given out a sigh of relief and a thanks to my God. Know the truth, and the truth WILL set you free.

And the truth is when I start trying to figure anyone else out, I am on the express train to crazyville. When I start figuring out myself, I'm on the road to recovery.
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