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Breaking the news of wanting a divorce

Old 07-02-2007, 09:33 AM
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Breaking the news of wanting a divorce

Hi Everyone,

I have been separated from my (newly recovering) AH for nearly two months now. Our 3-year old daughter is living with me FT. Recovering AH is about to complete 16 weeks of outpatient treatment... and is doing the right thing and seems to be on the right path.

My problem is, the damage has been done. Years of damage. In my mind, it is OVER. I am ready to move on. He has more than one addiction (alcohol, smoking, and internet you know what) and I do not see a happy future with him, only one of more worry and anxiety.

He keeps asking about reconciliation, and I have told him firmly that I do not want to. He is devastated about that and blames me -- "our marriage meant nothing to you." He is still hanging onto that last little thread of hope. He thinks he is finally at the point of being the man he can be (fresh and in recovery) and that I am just casting him aside and haven't given him a chance. You guys know how many chances he has had without me having to explain!!!

Jerry Seinfeld once said that relationships are like eating a piece of cheese pizza. That cheese just keeps getting thinner and thinner until it eventually snaps. He said he prefers to eat his pizza with a knife and fork!

My question is: How do I "cut loose" of this marriage and still work at keeping it amicable for the sake of our daughter? Also, for the sake of splitting up our assets! I feel he is going to really get angry or depressed, etc. How do I word this? It's as if he will not take "no" for an answer. I don't want to string him along b/c the more his hope is going to build back. He wants "two more months" of trying to work on the relationship.... but I know the minute I would agree to give that a try, I would regret those words. And, I have a very strong inclination that things would quickly break down after a month + anyway, as do my parents, who know the situation fully.

I'd love some thoughts from those that have been through this. All of the sudden, I am the "bad guy."

Thanks in advance,
Troubled
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Old 07-02-2007, 09:55 AM
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I'm just going to tell you what my ex did. It worked and eventually I moved out.

Be firm, stand your ground, and do what you know is right to keep your sanity intact and give you peace of mind. We tried one therapy session, it was obvious it was never going to work out. Like you said, the damage has been done. Looking back, even though I wanted our marriage to work I know now that it wouldn't have lasted. The wounds were too deep. We used a mediator to split our assets evenly and to keep the divorce as friendly as possible. Yep, he'll probably get angry or depressed, and eventually he'll get over it too. Time heals, two years later my ex and I are not exactly the best of friends but our communication is slowly getting better.

As for your daughter, trust me when I tell you that children are incredibly resilient. Keep reinforcing that you both love her, avoid blaming your AH and remind him to do the same. In the beginning we told our kids "Mom and Dad love each other, but we can't live with each other anymore". Constant support and reinforcement of love are musts in my opinion. Having a family split up isnt an ideal situation, but I also noticed that our children were very much in tune to the unhappiness in the household. In the end a divorce was the best thing for all of us. My kids and I now have a relationship that's like a dream for this alcoholic, and I can see they have that with my ex too.

This article might be useful to you http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/hu...tsdivorce.html
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Old 07-02-2007, 10:05 AM
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sending hugs, k
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Old 07-02-2007, 10:08 AM
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I can see both sides..........good luck to you and I'd just say to pray abut it and you will get your answers; whatever the question is.
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Old 07-02-2007, 10:11 AM
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I was separated for just over two years. I filed for the divorce, not her. It was one of my last selfish acts I guess...all about me ya know.
Well what ended up happening is the Lord was working on me and I found a "full recovery" and gave up my selfish ways. I happen to be one that is an example that we can change. With 10 days left before the divorce became final...we stopped it and had gotten back together. These past 7 years have been the best 7 years of our whole marriage.

You know your situation. You know your choices, I am just sharing what I have seen happen in my own life.
As for him and his hopes... he could dump his hopes in a moment or he could continue on with them even years after if a divorce was granted.
Before making such a final choice...ask yourself this... If he was to prove himself worthy for an extended amount of time... would you give him that chance?
If yes...how long a time/ A year? Two years? (actions over time)
Think on such things and you will find answers.
If you have any doubts about a divorce as your choice and even the slightest amount of hope towards an improved marriage, this may be a good way to find more solid answers...

An answer to him when he asks if there is a chance...
You need time and 2 years or longer if need be... would he be willing to accept that challenge? His answer and his actions wil give you all the answers you will need.
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Old 07-02-2007, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by best View Post
I was separated for just over two years. I filed for the divorce, not her. It was one of my last selfish acts I guess...all about me ya know.

OT--best: thanks,again. That's what happened in my own situation and the feelings I have about it. Seeing that written out like that helps.
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