8675309

My AH and I separated two months ago. We have been going to marriage counseling where my goal was to understand if he is willing to admit and deal with the alcoholism issue so that I know what my next step will be. I have decided that I do not want to continue living with him while he is actively drinking. I also have made it clear that if he wants to address his alcoholism, I would stand beside him. He has made it very clear that he is not willing to do anything about it. I understand that is his choice and it is my choice to not live with it.

That being said, we had already planned and paid for a family vacation that begins in one week. Before he moved out, I agreed that we would still go whether we were together or not. In the time we have been apart, he has been contacting me through drunken text messages declaring his love for me and by phone crying about the end of his world. I have kept him at a distance only discussing issues that pertain to our son.

Now the time has come, vacation starts in one week. I am very apprehensive about it. I don’t want him to get false hope for our relationship during this time. I also don’t want the week to be one of fighting. I am hopeful that I have the strength to keep the boundaries set without creating or feeling undue stress. Does anyone have any insight on how to get through the week peacefully?

dollydo

Separate rooms, pops into my mind. You are much braver than I am, I wouldn't go with him.

Hope everything turns out ok.

embraced2000

wow.....well.......i've done the very same thing with my xh. i was so stressed, miserable, crying, the entire time because he was drunk, in my face, verbally abusing me, bullying me, drunken b.s. i would never, ever consider this an option again.

in my mind, i was hoping for a new connection, a new beginning...blah, blah, blah.

all i got was more of the same ole, only much more of it.

it was sooooooo miserable, that when we came back, i left for a week by myself immediately, just to recuperate from the "vacation from HELL" with him.

good luck

Mr. Christian

In my humble opinion , I ask why go?
Why put yourself through a drunken week?

Pick-a-name

I did this; several times in fact. Our kids were at an age where the "girls" shared a room and the guys had another. AH was the one who initiated the seperation, so he was not trying to "reconnect". The kids and I were used to doing things w/out him or including him in, so we went and enjoyed ourselves and let him decide what he was going to do. Some days he sat at the beach and didn't speak; other days he interacted with us....even had some fun together! He was not and still is not one to drink alot in public and stumble around making a scene,so that wasn't an issue. If it was, then I'd reconsider.

Good luck. The kids and I enjoyed ourselves and sometimes, so did AH. He was usually on good behavior because the kids and I even then were weary of the drinking and ISMS. If he wanted to be around them/us, he knew he had to "behave".

penneypoo

Wow, what a situation. Vacations are a sensitive subject for me, too many bad memories. If I were you, I'd go, for the sake of your son, try to enjoy yourself, no expectations, just see what happens. Sounds like your marriage is already over, so look at it as time away, to relax, and focus on yourself and your son. Good Luck!

LGLG07

I dont consider any time away with my ah a 'vacation' .. when I think of going away I am always with a girlfriend or my sisters , never ever with him . Its too much work for me .. good luck with whatever you choose

8675309

Thanks for all the support. The reason I agreed to go is for our son. I do want to give him a good vacation and do believe that my AH will be on his best behavior. Most of his drinking occurs when he goes out alone. I do like the idea of separate rooms. That way there are NO expectations on his part. I am rather nervous about the whole vacation but am sure will survive.

In addition, today, he went for an alcohol evaluation. She talked to him and then to me and was making a recommendation to the counselor. Funny thing, there was a discrepancy in the amount HE stated that he drinks daily and the amount he told the counselor. One thing I learned is that he does have depression. Which comes first the depression or the alcoholism? The rest of the outcome is yet to be discovered. I did feel rather sad all day.

LGLG07

hang in there . this is a long journey and its just beginning .. there are going to be ups & downs still but dont let knowing there will be a down keep you from enjoying the ups (???) does that make sense ?? take it one day at a time , try not to project . enjoy your vacation and your son . keep your boundarys firm

embraced2000

just a thought.....have you considered what sort of expectations your son may have from the two of you sharing this vacation? i don't know how old he is, but it may be something to consider.....if he is old enough, he may see this as a sign that mom and dad are going to be "ok".

CE Girl

Hey 86, not sure we've "met" yet? Welcome to SR,,,,

I have great respect for you and your putting your son first. Parenting is the toughest job inthe world.

I can tell ya though, theres no way in hell I'd go ANYWHERE with my A these days!!! In fact, I'm fortunate, we have no shared children. Just getting our "stuff" seperate was difficult enough

You asked the question, which come first, depression or alcoholism? In my experience with my A, I'd say they go hand in hand. It's like the proverbial question, which came first the chicken or the egg. My A would still be an alcoholic if he wasn't depressed and vice versus. I am of the opinion, at least with my A, that ALL issues need to be addresses. Daunting to say the least for him. BUT the bottom line it, he has to WANT to do it for him

You sound "healthy" as far as your detachment from your A. That is a most necessary first step.

Peace

8675309

Embraced, I have been very honest with my son (he's 7). Just last weekend he asked me the question "Are you and Dad going to be married forever" I responded by saying that I didn't know but whatever happens with our marraige that both his Dad and I love him and always will. The only thing I can do is continue to be honest with him and reassure him of the love from both parents. So far, he has adjusted very well to the seperation.

CE - Thank you for the welcome. I am very happy to have found this community. I feel that reading the posts has helped me understand that I'm not alone in this and helps me keep my sanity. You are correct, parenting is tough and my son is my first priority.

The depression of my AH is really affecting me lately. Just last night he called to ask what our plans were for the 4th. I told him that we did have plans to cook out with my family at my Mother's. He got real quiet and asked to speak to our son. That conversation is odd as well. He just told our son that he loved him and said bye.

I understand that I'm not responsible for his drinking or his depression but I can't help feeling sad each time I talk to him when he acts like that. I feel very sad for him and hope he can find recovery and happiness.

The lady who performed the alcohol evaluation did recommend that he continue with individual counseling. I hope he does.

DII

Vacations are tough......I have been on vacations, company award trips and my AW was drunk and sick......I wouldn't go on the trip with him. You'll just resent him if he is alcoholic or acting alcoholic.

kglast

welcome 867 - i too have a 7 year old son and ended my engagement to my XAF about 2 1/2 mos ago...he is not my son's father but they became very close....

the kids are much smarter than we think, they don't miss anything....i would go on vacation with just your son and have a blast - then no worries and no expectations, no scenes, no being uncomfortable...it just might be a better time....but that is just me...

again, welcome..