#5 Moral Inventory (What sucks about me)
 

My AH started drinking Sunday. He went 37 days this time after the last treatment out of 2 treatments and 3 detoxes. I feel very responsible and sad about this. He's been so angry with me lately and I haven't been a supportive wife because of my own issues. He ran off this afternoon after he said what a bitch I am and how he's not sure he wants to be married anymore because I'm not getting better. Then he went to the office where I found him several hours later consuming Bud's. He woke me up at 3 am to scream everything that's wrong about me. It made me think I should perform my own moral inventory. For some reason, after writing and crying, I feel better. What better place to admit my shortcomings to others than at SR.

What sucks about me...

1. I’m a miserable failure at life, at marriage. Last Wednesday was the 15th anniversary of my first failed marriage to my first AH, and I’m well on my way to a second failed one. It’s obviously me who make bad choices and can’t get along.
2. I’m a psycho bitch. I don’t feel very stable lately. I don’t mean to be this way, but it doesn’t really matter.
3. I’m depressed and negative almost all the time. It’s probably because I’m so acutely aware of what a failure I am. People see this and avoid me.
4. I’m lazy. Probably it’s because I’m depressed. And I’m fat because I’m lazy and depressed. Indecision has stagnated me.
5. I drink too much. Everything goes back to #1…I’m trying to escape the fact that I’m such a failure.
6. I avoid things. I play games, board games etc. I’m trying to escape the blame for failing AH and failing me.
7. I blame others for my problems. I blame AH. I blame his drinking. I don’t want to look deep inside myself to see my flaws and failures.
8. I’m not kind enough or supportive enough of the important people in my life. I’m incredibly selfish that way.
9. I’m a sinner and haven’t felt right with God lately. I keep making mistakes and I don’t learn lessons from them.
10. I’m lost. I lost my soulmate, my husband, my best friend. I just haven’t been good enough to attract good things into my life.

Ok, so the above is what you have determined to be your shortcomings, what are you going to do about them?

What is your plan to become the person you know you can be?

Saint, your post breaks my heart. I have to wonder if that list of shortcomings is how you see yourself or is it more representative of what your AH has told you over the years? Either way, my concern is that you believe it.

Are you involved in Al-Anon? Do you have a support system of friends & family? As Dolly asked, what's your plan to become the person you know you can be, to have the life you want for yourself?

Take good care of you.

~ghm

Just because I've made bad choices doesn't mean I can't get along with people. It's the person I picked to try and get along with - an active addict. I finally accepted I could do something about that and work on myself to not repeat it.

Living with alcoholism I became absolutely INSANE. By the end I was screaming at the neighbors, the cats, small children, grocery clerks and everyone on the road, to name a few. I was unable to articulate my frustration or confusion. I had no idea what was wrong with me.

The last few years with AH in particular I became extremely depressed and negative. Because I was so unhappy with my own life, I had nothing good to say about anyone else. I was extremely critical and judgmental.

It was definitely depression in my case. I put on over 40 pounds in the marriage, since taken off. Something that really scared me was how lazy I was becoming, especially in my career. That made me feel even worse about myself, which kept me trapped in a cycle of indecision and despair.

I certainly came to drink too much by being with AH. I didn't realize until later that this is pretty common in co-dependent relationships. Looking back I can see part of it was a subconscious effort to prove AH's drinking was normal (if I could keep up). Also, since that became all he wanted to do, if I wanted to spend time together with him I needed to do it, too.

This was another sign of my depression. My work requires me to be on the computer a great majority of the time. I conduct a lot of my business by email and do research, etc. One day I realized I was playing a lot more solitaire than was healthy. It was an escape from the stress and fed my denial.

Looking inside myself to see my flaws and failures has been one of the toughest things I've ever done. In doing it, I've come to appreciate what a struggle it is for everyone, including the addict.

Recognizing behaviors like these helped me get ready to do something about them.

Boy, did I feel I also lost my best friend and soul mate. Until I learned best friends don't call each other bitch and c***. I came to understand why I thought AH was the best I was going to attract to ME; why I didn't feel worthy of someone's genuine love.

((Saint Francis)) What helped me turn it all around was Al-Anon, therapy, education and the support of friends. If Al-Anon is not for you, there are other support systems out of there. Attending is not enough - it's working the steps; doing the work on me. Therapy is not going in and bitching about my life, but searching for ways to improve it. Getting involved in a real life free from the effects of addictions has allowed sanity back into both my thinking and life. For me, walking into that first meeting gave me hope that I could turn my life around it. But it took me taking that first proactive step on my own behalf.

It is not easy to change and learn new ways of living, but it is possible. I hope you will try and see that you are a good, decent person who deserves a rich and fulfilling life.

Keep posting!

What has your AH been doing to support your marriage?

And is he the picture of mental health?

Don't take this all yourself, it's a two way street. Can you get involved in Alanon meetings?

Earthworm

Hi,SF............sorry you are feeling this way; I was on a roll like this recently,too. I am glad you are here and hope you find it to be as great a resource to you as it has been and continues to be for me.

I want to thank you for posting "your list" (and Denny,too for your responses). Seeing this come out of someone else's mouth I can see it all more clearly. Alcoholism really does a number on not only the alcoholic, but us around it,too!

Please do not be so hard on yourself and also please realize that your AH is a sick man and he "needed" and excuse to drink.....you were it, and seem to be buying into the idea,too. I know how that goes,but just because he said it does not make it so! :)

Hope you stick around and that you feel better as the day goes on. Improve what you need to in your life, but please do not accept the burden for his dissatisfaction about his life...he is an active alcoholic and you did not cause that,nor can you control or cure it. That is his fight to fight.

(((SF)))

just wanted to send you hugs. blessings, k

Isn't part of this step to also make a list of your strengths?

ARGH!

At times I fill with tears at what we do to others when we drink. Right now I am feeling frustration though. Frustrated because I can't find the words that would say correctly how wrong your list is.
It may be how you feel but it is not the truth of who you are or where your moral inventory is lacking.
In my selfishness I gave my wife a list as well and when I reached a point of needing to deal with my own issues...I found that my list I gave her was my own list of me that I projected at her. It was not her, it was me in denial...I just blamed her.

Please go back over your list and dump his issues out of your list. His opinion should not guide your list. Your feelings should not guide your list. Look over your actions and if you find anything there... that is what should guide your list.

SF--
I can totally relate....I felt that way many many times and never had the courage to share it. I like what Dollydo said:
"Into the solution"---and there IS a solution!!!
If we stay in the problem, then we stay in the problem----just like
"nothing changes if nothing changes".
Keep posting--and know that you are understood, totally!

Thank you everyone, especially Denny, for your thoughtful posts. I know it was negative sounding, but it was 4:30 am. And I was still reeling from AH's rant. I am working the steps and what I plan on doing about this list is "humbly asking God to remove these shortcomings." It was liberating writing these down, so now I understand step 5. It sort of desensitizes me when I hear it now it from AH or my own voice. Now that I've admitted that I'm powerless over alcohol and that I have a lot of faults, maybe I can hand these defects of character over to God. BTW, I also emailed list to AH. He completely agreed with the list, of course, and wanted me to "get better." Personally, I think I was "a little" hard on myself.

Thanks,best! Reading your response brought me to tears and has helped me. :)

p.s. SF; for what it's worth, "my list" had many of the same things on it that were really his/ISM issues. Thanks again for this thread!

Hi SF.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. It's devistating what we alkies put our loved ones through.

A quick question, do you have a sponsor guiding you through the steps ? A sponsor really can help with all thes steps, but especially the 4th and 5th. I found things out about myself I never would have admitted during the process.

You were a little hard on yourself. It's a waste of time to e-mail that to him he'll just use it as ammunition. Again ask yourself what is he bringing to the table.

Earthworm

Wish I had a sponsor. I can only occasionally get to an Al-anon meeting because of schedule conflicts. It's only on Monday night, one meeting a week for the entire county we moved to. At least 3 AA meetings most days, but only one Al-anon per week...crazy. I guess all the codies is this county are doing better than I am.

Yes, what is he bringing to the table? The whole conflict started with me asking for a better relationship now that he's in recovery and more help with the business. How dare I have needs?! He's threatening to separate or divorce me now (since I caught him drinking?) MY boundry set 5 weeks ago was that I would leave him if he started drinking again. He switched the tables on me and all of a sudden I feel terrible and I'm clinging to him. How did this happen???? I feel so much better with the responses I've received today. Thanks for the perspective.

What he's doing is called manipulation. Please don't let it happen. You deserve better, he's just getting you at a vulnerable stage right now. (((hugs)))
Teree

It's only a boundary if you follow through. Otherwise, it's just an empty threat. It seems he knows this and is using it to his advantage.

When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of making a change, you will make a change.

It's okay to do what's right for you, even if he doesn't like it. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep before I had enough.

L

Just thought I would throw out there that you could try going to AA meetings too. It's still a step meeting and you listed your drinking on the list too. Many of the people in AA grew up in alcoholic families so they can relate to being concerned for another's drinking as well as your own. I have been to many, many Al-anon meetings that have suggested going to AA meetings. (I too have been to many AA meetings so I can vouch that it does help gain perspective, the ESH still helps, etc.)

Saint Francis
This is one thing that I have learned in Al Anon.....

Never make a threat unless you are willing to follow through with it!