AllMyFault

I am wondering.
I would set the following boundaries:
-if he would drink heavily I didn't want him near me, and sent him away
-if he discussed our relationship with someone that we both knew had no respect for our relationship, or him for that matter I would call him on it and discuss my feelings about it
-if he had contact with his ex(which I caught him writing drug induced love notes to her earlier on in the relationship) I would leave him
-if he drank his paycheck, I would not pay his share of the bills, rent or feed him
-if he pissed himself, I would not clean it up

He honestly believes that this was controlling behaviour. I believe it was me setting boundaries and demaning respect.

Your thoughts?

duet_4-8

I vote that it was boundaries, not controlling. He is likely just looking for something to blame you for because to not blame you would be to accept responsibility for his own behavior.

dollydo

Bounderies not controlling.

aztchr

What you believe is most important! As long as you follow through with what you say, then that's setting boundaries.

venusinlibra

You are setting boundaries. Give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it. They use our "codie" issues as an excuse to behave badly. According to him I am needy because I call if I am going to be late. Or leave a note on where I am. I said no in the "normal world" that is being considerate. Most people recognize they need to respect others feelings and needs. Don't let his addict talk get you crazy.

thinkmink

I think it's boundaries except the possibilty of maybe a control issue on who he talks to and "calling him on it" If he knows how you feel about the subject already then you telling him over again is probably just you trying to get him to do what you want.

denny57

I learned to question why I wanted a relationship where someone drank heavily, discussed our relationship with others, wrote love notes (drug induced or not), drank their paycheck away or pissed themselves. I had choices.

AllMyFault

I definately don't want a relationship with this guy anymore.
In terms of asking that he respect my personal privacy, in the case of the one friend I didn't want him discussing our relationship with(he was completely free to hang out with them, and also completely free to discuss with anyone else). I did it with good cause, and she even validated it when we did break up, by posting some really nasty lies about me on her myspace. I think it is entirely valid to not wish your laundry, dirty or not be aired infront of people that display these types of behaviours.

prodigal

It's true that you have a right for someone to respect your privacy and not air your personal business in public. But you were making that request of an addict. They don't respect our boundaries a lot of times and they see it as our controlling their behaviors. He's gonna blab to whomever he chooses, as he has already done.

Sometimes the only way to enforce or boundaries is to walk away from the relationship for good.

Janitw

If their lips are moving .... they are lieing....he's only doing what addicts do hun...
run....run fast.

prodigal

I was just thinking about how you mentioned your setting boundaries was a way of "demanding" respect. I personally don't think we can demand respect from anyone - sober or drunk. We may deserve respect, but that doesn't mean we'll get it. I don't think addicts have any respect for themselves, let alone anyone else.

I believe if you want respect, you would be better served keeping company with people who give respect, honor respect, and respect themselves.

minnie

What does it matter what he thinks, anyway?

I remember reading early on that we cannot set a boundary and expect the other person to be happy about it. That changed my whole way of looking at it - I had some odd expectation that he would understand and accept them without question.

thinkmink

I know exactly how hard it is to be in this situation. But my sponsor told me what other people think of me is none of my business. It's what I think about myself that important. When other people lie about me, that between them and their higher power. It's hard to embace this idea. REALLY HARD! But it's about keeping your serenity.

duet_4-8

It is entirely valid if you are dealing with a sane, fully functional partner. But you are dealing with an insane, non-functional addict. Big difference. He is going to do or say whatever the heck he wants to, to whomever he wants to, and the more you demand that he respect your right to privacy, the louder he will probably quack. The best way to handle it would be to ignore it.

All said from the experience of being married to an A for 25 years; he told all kinds of people all kinds of junk about our past when I left him-some with a nugget of truth- but mostly how he sees it from his twisted perspective. It bothered me at first, too. But then I got my mind around the statement "what other people think about me is none of my business". I know the truth and so do those that care about me and my kids.