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I am two-faced?? What???

Old 06-30-2007, 11:23 PM
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I am two-faced?? What???

Sorry this is so long, but it needed a little explanation.

I went out last night. It was the first time since I can remember going out without AH in at least a year. Probably several. I don't have many friends and never go out, but decided it was time I did. I am allowed to be my own person and have some sort of social life, however minimal. I went to an after-work gathering and then met up with an old friend from high school that I hadn't seen in ages. She said another friend I hadn't seen in even longer was coming out too, just like old times. So I decided it would be a good idea to make a plan in case I ended up no good to drive. I am not much of a drinker at all, so it doesn't take too much. Not to mention that it was pouring down rain. My friend said I could stay at her place, just a short cab ride away.

So I called home and told him I wanted to be responsible and what the backup plan was. And boy if I didn't get the most ridiculous response possible. I won't spell it all out, but basically he threw out every crazy idea including "asking" (more like accusing) if my friend and I really just had plans to have sex with each other (what?? so I am suddenly a lesbian?) or what other devious things I must be up to. Also he was convinced it was not raining, I must have been making that up. It was pouring cats and dogs, lightening and all. Why couldn't I just leave right then, he wanted to know. Well, I wasn't ready to go, the other friend was on the way and I had only been there for a little while. And come on, the ONE night I go out after YEARS of staying home and taking care of everything while he goes out several times a week without even letting me know, just not coming home and ignoring his phone. I let him know he was being ridiculous and I didn't want to hear it any more. And so I went on with my night, ended up staying over at my friend's house, and got up early and came home the next day (Saturday). No problems, right?

WRONG. Apparently I am the most appalling two-faced hypocrite on the planet. How dare I ever have gotten upset with him for his regular alcoholic binges that waste ridiculous amounts of money (over $500 so far this month, as opposed to the $30 I spent), keep him home from work (he owns his own business so it is regularly closed when he doesn't show up), lose my trust (he never sticks to what he says, and continues behaviour he swears off over and over again, let his kids down), etc. Bottom line is, he is an alcoholic. I am not. I felt I was making a plan to be responsible, and being respectful by calling early on to let him know. When he has called me late into the night, already trashed, after having ignored my phone calls, I always ask him not to drive. I am upset by his behavior, but never the decision not to drive. All I ever ask for is a phone call out of respect.

Please somebody give me your opinion. I don't think I have done anything wrong. It is okay for me to have a few drinks with friends once in a blue moon (not a crazy binge) and then take responsibility for myself. But today he packed his things and left the house, because I am so two-faced and set such a bad example. Is this a control thing? Is he angry that I went out on my own and he was unable to control me? Is he jealous that he can't just go out and have a few drinks now and then because he is addicted to alcohol? I don't understand how he can even compare our behaviours considering his problem. Just because he can't handle alcohol doesn't mean I can't have it (even though I rarely do). What is going on here? I am bewildered by the irrationality and keep questioning whether maybe I did do something wrong, but I seriously don't think I did.
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Old 06-30-2007, 11:51 PM
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It's all about expectations. I said to my AH around 5 I was going to the mall. I went to the mall, did some people watching, then took in a movie. I got home around 9:30. Fortunately, I just get the silent treatment - what a blessing! I don't have to put up with the looney quacking you have to contend with.

However, I have been accused of everything BUT adultery. Can't figure out why he hasn't tossed that one in my face yet .... maybe he's saving it for Christmas. I can tell you that I used to listen to him tell me what a piece of trash I am, how I have "anger issues," how I'm nothing more than a gold-digging leech, blah, blah, blah. I used to vent on the board here. I used to call my family and friends and carry on about the ridiculous accusations.

Then, I just got tired of it. I don't listen to him, I generally ignore him, and I know in my heart, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that what he thinks of me and tells me is HIS problem. It's a pack of lies, just like the lies he tells himself about his drinking. I got to the point that I realized I was living under the same roof with someone whose entire life is based on denial and lies and manipulation. That's when I could say to myself, "consider the source."

I built up a thick skin. I also refused to get into a discussion when he started on a rant. Sure, they accuse us of outrageous stuff. They have to blame someone other than themselves for their own mess, don't they? I would get in my car and leave if he started following me to another room. Sometimes I'd just look at him and not respond.

He eventually wore out. I just detached. Back in late '03 when my AH got home after 9 months in Iraq, he contemptuously said to me, "Well, missy, you got to live in a fine house for 9 months, didn't you?" Yeah, like as his wife I was supposed to move out and take up residence in a refrigerator box beside the freeway. I got so much of that looney stuff that I finally just didn't care anymore.

He's trying to control you. He IS abusing you. If you think he may escalate to the physical level, do something to get outta there fast. If you feel confident at this point that he's only going to just rant and rave, go out when you feel like it. You work. You earn money. You have the right (regardless of what the nut is telling you) to have a social life. I come and go as I please. Maybe I just got lucky, because AH gives me the silent treatment, but I don't get interrogated about my comings and goings.

You didn't do one doggone thing wrong. Don't buy into that b.s. he's trying to put over on you for a single second. Like I said, if you feel safe going out with your girlfriends, continue to do so. It's called having the right to have A LIFE - your's.
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Old 07-01-2007, 12:16 AM
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Wow, you guys. . .my hat is off to you. Now the question. . .How do you continue to stay with them? I am an alcoholic myself, recovering though. . .10 yrs in August. But, I have had my share of LOSERS and a couple of them turned into husbands. The last of which I had to ask to leave if he was going to act like that. Turns out he moved right in with his girlfriend! Dang, then after 3 1/2 yrs I am seeing an old boyfriend of mine and I think he may be trying some "controlled drinking". Can't say if he's alcoholic but. . .I really think so. He is very different than he was years ago and to hear his story, he's gave up on the whiskey, has attended a couple of meetings with me and wants to go more, but he's really into his church. So, maybe you can see where I'm going with this, but it's hard for me to wonder if he's stopped or not, if he's drinking or not, and to get way out there and wonder what it may do to our relationship if he's not done. Anyways, just curious how you can handle staying in that sort of place with all that nonsense they can dish out. I sure couldn't and had to stand up and kick him out. Boy, I was the bad guy too according to his folks!!!
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Old 07-01-2007, 12:17 AM
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Oh, and for what it's worth, I too agree you did nothing wrong!!! And, if it was me. . .well you probably can guess what I would have done or said. But, I also have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut in those situations!
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Old 07-01-2007, 01:01 AM
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My body is here - I didn't say anything about my mind! LOL!!!! Perfect example: while I was typing my initial response to cherryberry in the office, I heard AH say loud enough for me to hear, "Why does she have to be such a b****?" I dunno - maybe he was expecting his dog to give him the answer. That's his usual M.O. - to call me a b**** while he's in another room, but loud enough so I can hear. One night I came home and he was screaming it like some sort of Hindu mantra out in our garage.

I'm here in order to finish a college education; an education for which I sacrificed a lot of things I would rather have been doing. With that diploma, I have a shot at a far better job and in a field for which I am qualified. If things get bad enough, I have a fall-back plan to stay with a friend in Phoenix and look for work. It may come to that before I graduate in December. If it does, so be it.

It's all about detachment. It's all about looking at who is doing all the carrying on and realizing it's a sick, messed-up person. It's all about keeping my mouth shut if that is the best route to take. It's all about not believing anything I'm hearing. Period. I know God loves me, warts and all. I know I am not partaking in AH's little dramas any longer. I know it's not about me - it's all about HIM.

As a psychiatrist told me some years ago, "Alcoholics - they'll get ya comin' or goin'." So why get my dander up? I'm making plans to leave. I have a pretty good life on my own right now. Once I have a job that affords decent pay and benefits, I'll exit quietly, stage right. In the meantime, I hold onto God's love, walk in faith, and ignore the blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I didn't get this way overnight and I'm no great icon of recovery; after all, I'm still a codie! But I saw it for what it is: know the truth, and the truth WILL set you free.
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Old 07-01-2007, 06:03 AM
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You didn't do one thing wrong, you were responsible and considerate.

He was not. I call that control and verbal abuse.

I won't listen to it. I am not in that situation with hubby...but when someone starts disrespecting me, I pick up my purse, keys and such and turn right around and walk out the door. go to a motel if I have to...or back to spend the night with friends or family. And I don't contact them to tell them where I am and I don't tell them where I am going. (From other prior relationships)

Don't let him win this and isolate you. Go out MORE often.
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Old 07-01-2007, 06:59 AM
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This has nothing to do with you going out and everything to do with him losing control over you. His terror can be summed up as thus: "What if she starts behaving like I have? What if she starts doing whatever she wants?"

My son calls people like this "douches".

You did the right thing. He's being a jerk. He's also going to try to use it to justify his own future bad behavior, I would guess. It;s very childish.
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Old 07-01-2007, 07:08 AM
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Your an adult, you are entitled to go out and have some fun. He is not your father, and you are not a child.

This is all about control, most addicts/acoholics have serious control issues, they have no self control when it's about them, but, want to control everyone else...in an attempt to keep others in a box.

I wouldn't give his words a second thought.
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Old 07-01-2007, 07:51 AM
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(((((Cherryberry))))) you did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact you were being very very responsible.

And yes that is mental and emotional ABUSE.

The next time he starts one of those rants, just picture A BIG WHITE DUCK WITH AN ORANGE BILL, like the ducks in the AFLAC commercials, and the duck is saying:

QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK

Because that is what he is doing QUACKING. LMAO

If you can get in the habit of picturing the duck it will help tremendously.

As you continue to grow and change and practice 'detachment' his quacking will get worse. His verbal abuse may turn physical. Please get a plan in place to leave in a hurrry if you have to. Keep a bag packed in your trunk, with important papers, credit and debit cards, etc JUST IN CASE

Again, you acted responsibility. YOU WERE THE ADULT!!!!!!!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:04 AM
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Laurie is right! If the quacking doesn't stop you from going out next he will be trying to block the door etc.

Don't let him isolate you and cut you off from your friends and having a life!
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:08 AM
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It's manipulation...he didn't like you going out so he made a huge deal out of it..and now in his mind you'll know better not to do it again.
You did absolutely nothing wrong, you're an adult, he's not your father and you don't have a curfew.
Luckily I don't have this issue to contend with, my BF is always telling me I should go out more and have some fun.
If he did pull summat like that on me though I would completely ignore him....There's no point saying "well, you do this.." trying to justify things to him...You don't have to justify anything to him plus it makes no difference because he'll only hear what he wants to hear and will twist the rest...Quacking...Detach, leave him to stew and don't be afraid to go out and do it again!! Infact, I'd make a point of doing it again...
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:24 AM
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They can dish it out, but they can't take it!

Glad you had fun..........and hope you can turn down the volume on the Quack!

Maybe they know what is the real story when they have made these calls and it has started spinning in their minds what you could be doing,too (if you wanted! That must be a kick in their head!!)

Manipulation and control....you were out of their sphere and it must be frightening for them to think you might see that there is a life out there without them and you may leave them in the dust!

Glad you got out and had some fun and ignore the junk-talk.
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Old 07-01-2007, 09:02 AM
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Cherryberry, you did something nice for yourself, which was probably a common thing, BEFORE HIM. You did something that was NOT centered AROUND HIM. Heaven forbid. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why he is trying to make you feel bad. That's what they do. And they are good at it. Just don't waste your time feeling guilty, or bad or unhappy. That's what he wants to happen. It's just another way to control you. To isolate you. To make you a non person. Don't get sucked into the craziness. If you start believing the things you are hearing, you will be sunk and it will take a long time and hard work to realize the truth. Which is, he's the one with the problem, not you. He packed his things and left the house? Good riddance. I sound bitter, I know. They are allowed to do anything, anytime to anyone and we had better accept it. I did what I had to do and said what needed to be said, to keep the peace. It took me a lot of years to understand that I was not the awful person he made me out to be. I am still working on that. The damage they can do to us is horrific. Don't fall for it.
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Old 07-01-2007, 09:12 AM
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BTW; like someone else mentioned,don't start "defending yourself" about this! That way it turns around to being about YOU and what you do "wrong",how you are the "reason" for his problems,quack,quack,quack.... NOT!

I'd say let him go off and sulk (aka...drink and whine about how "you made him"). He just is using this as another excuse to drink,I'll bet you! Oh,well....if it wasn't this,it would be something else (in his mind!)

This is apples and oranges.............no discussion necessary.

Hope you enjoy a quiet day without him and his nonsense!

p.s. Thanks for sharing this....it is easier to see the ISMS/manipulation in someone else's situation; not quite as easy when my own emotions are involved. These examples are helpful for me to ID it easier when it happens in my own life.........and it does and will again in the future.
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Old 07-01-2007, 09:49 AM
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Thank you everyone for your responses. Just as I suspected, his reciprocation was to go out and "do it up" double time, like punishment or trying to one-up me. He is always telling me to go out and have a good time, and then the one time I actually do, he doesn't know how to handle it. Of course he masks it with "I'm glad you had fun, I just can't believe how your actions could be so two-faced. You went against everything you've ever preached to me." This gives him the excuse he is always looking for to go on yet another binge.

When I talked to him this morning, I said it doesn't make any sense that the thing he is supposedly so angry about with me is exactly what he had just gone out and done. So who is the hypocrite now? The saddest thing is that while he is out being so selfish, our son's birthday is today and daddy has a bad attitude and a nasty hangover I'm sure. It is an eye opener to just how self centered he is. I don't know whether to just let the argument go (I am not an arguer), but I know he will move forward acting like I have a big "stain on my record" and "little miss perfect" is not so perfect anymore, so I have no right to demand acceptible behaviour of him again. This is so twisted.
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Old 07-01-2007, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by cherryberry View Post
I don't know whether to just let the argument go (I am not an arguer), but I know he will move forward acting like I have a big "stain on my record" and "little miss perfect" is not so perfect anymore, so I have no right to demand acceptible behaviour of him again. This is so twisted.

He'll think what he wants/needs to think; no matter what.............already does. I have found,it is better (for me and my peace of mind) if I just save my energy and be quiet...took me awhile to get that thru my head! Works better for me. He doesn't hear or care anyhow!

Hope you and your son enjoy celebrating his birthday! That IS something great!!
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Old 07-01-2007, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
It's all about detachment. It's all about looking at who is doing all the carrying on and realizing it's a sick, messed-up person. It's all about keeping my mouth shut if that is the best route to take. It's all about not believing anything I'm hearing. Period. I know God loves me, warts and all. I know I am not partaking in AH's little dramas any longer. I know it's not about me - it's all about HIM.

As a psychiatrist told me some years ago, "Alcoholics - they'll get ya comin' or goin'." So why get my dander up? I'm making plans to leave. I have a pretty good life on my own right now. Once I have a job that affords decent pay and benefits, I'll exit quietly, stage right. In the meantime, I hold onto God's love, walk in faith, and ignore the blah, blah, blah. Believe me, I didn't get this way overnight and I'm no great icon of recovery; after all, I'm still a codie! But I saw it for what it is: know the truth, and the truth WILL set you free.
That is SO well stated, prodigal! I was right there with you for a little over a year before I actually took the leap and filed for divorce. It had my ex really confused...I could almost hear him thinking 'how come she isn't reacting any more???' I just used to look at him and grin slightly when he started one of his rants.

I am still a codie, too, and I still have my moments of insanity. *grin* But you are So right, the truth will set us free, just as soon as we can wrap our minds around it!

(((hugs)))
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Old 07-01-2007, 02:39 PM
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Any excuse to drink will do. that's all it was. He has to justify his behavir somehow, right? Plus, how could he resist pumping up his ego with his idignation?
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